Spewing Nonsense

Sounds so soulful don’t you agree?

2011-09-09T11:41:00.001-04:00

Ew, she's not going to continue a post about something that happened almost two weeks ago, is she? You're fucking right I am. It's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday.

And so it continues...

4. Chris Brown – I wasn’t totally sure how I felt about him since he beat Rihanna and also threw a chair through the window at the Good Morning America. I do think I was already on my way to forgiving him since A. he spits hot fire and B. every other song Rihanna has come out with since the incident has been about rough sex. At this point I’ve convinced myself that she literally said “hit me” to him. But that performance… WOW. His dance moves are on the same level as JTimbs and Usher. Mad skillz. He was literally flying. He defies gravity. I was like “Wait, am I attracted to him?” and then I was like “No, his face like isn’t attractive…” and then I was like “When has that ever stopped me?”

Get More: 2011 VMA, Music, Chris Brown

5. Adele – Classic and well done. Loved how it was lit from behind and kind of looked like an old movie. BUT I was watching the VMAs to dance... While laying on my couch… Alone. And since I’m dead on the inside I’m like not that into an emotional performance. But I guess I'm not actually dead on the inside because I did cry 8+ times during the show and during Adele was not one of them.

6. Britney – The Britney tribute was one of the most amazing parts of the whole show, but I did feel like I was extremely shortchanged. It's 90 seconds, which is WAY too short to squeeze in all of Brit's hits (stop, you love it when I rhyme). WITH THAT BEING SAID – holy shit what a bomb-ass performance. They got almost all of the major hits in AND they incorporated outfits and dance moves from each of the music videos. If I was Britney I would have cried... I’m me and I bawled hysterically. Also, hearing all the Britney songs at once like that really brought upon an acid-style flash back of my entire life. It was like traveling time. I am… the time traveler's wife. But also, were those little people, regular people or actual children? I really still don't know and I've watched it 8 times.

Get More: 2011 VMA, Music

7. Beyonce – I mean at this point I think we can all feel the love growing inside her. What an amazing line. And that song, it got a little long/repetitive at the end, but its still really good. I think it's what happiness sounds like. I think it's what the love growing inside her sounds like. It's like Dream Girls meets Jersey Boys meets The Shirelles meets Amy Winehouse (more to come on her soon) meets Doo-wop.

Get More: 2011 VMA, Music, Beyoncé

8. Young the Giant – ok well this started out with a super awkward intro from Jared Leto in a dress and Zoe Saldana looking pissed off and constipated. And because of that, I couldn’t even really concentrate on what they were actually saying. But I did catch that this was Young the Giant’s debut at the VMAs but no one told us how they were found or discovered or why they were chosen or what their fucking story is. So that was annoying because I bet there’s a good story there (which there is and can be found HERE). Their song was awesome and I have since downloaded their CD. It makes me really really happy (to the point of tears) when I see people doing something that they obviously really love and are passionate about and do well. I mean, that’s why I cried every episode of Girls Next Door… Wait what??? Anyway, the band’s 250 fans that came from Irvine, CA to see them were so fun. Also the set/stage design and lighting for their performance was super cool. I was really really into it.

Get More: 2011 VMA, Music, Young The Giant

9. Amy Winehouse – I’m not going to lie, I wasn’t that upset about Amy Winehouse’s death until the VMAs. I guess I just didn’t really realize how good she was. I knew she was good and I have more than a few of her songs, but I don’t know, seeing it all together like that was pretty emotional. And hearing someone as old as Tony Bennett talk about how legit her talent was and seeing video of them recording together at Abbey Road... Tear-jerker central. Then Bruno Mars’ performance? WHOA! What a voice. And those dance moves? Yes. Please. What a talent.

Get More: 2011 VMA, Music, Tony Bennett

Get More: 2011 VMA, Music, Bruno Mars

And holy Bruno Mars. What a performer. What a voice. What a mover and a shaker. Loved. And also Russell Brand managed to do a tribute that wasn't sappy and was really awesome. He's great. If you didn't fall in love with him after he hosted SNL earlier this year, then you're just silly.

Thus endeth my VMA recap.

I guess I got my swagger back

2011-08-31T14:18:00.018-04:00

Well… it happened. Something that has finally inspired me enough to write a blog post. There have been a few things in the past year that almost made me want to post...

The first was when I joined an over-priced gym, because I’ve got stuff to say to them and I'm sure as shit not going to actually say it to them. But when I started writing it, it sounded snooty and weird so I shut it down. But my master plan of stealing the free, shitty, one-blade disposable razors from them to make up for the exorbitant monthly charge is still very much on my back burner.

Then at one point I wanted to write about the smell in the 49th street NRQ subway station -- because it smells like actual rotting human flesh down there. Not that I really know what rotting human flesh smells like, but I’d put even money on the fact that that’s exactly what it smells like. But then I was like "Ew..." and I don’t even use that station any more... and who wants to read about a gross smell? So I moved on.

Then I wanted to write about the movie Ceremony. Max Winkler’s (yes, the Fonz’s son) directorial debut starring Uma Thurman and Michael Angarano (Elliot/Smelliot from Will & Grace). A. I love a good indie film B. I love a good rom com C. I love great movies that I watch more than once within 24 hours. Ceremony matches all this criteria and I got all worked up about it and then I let it go, but only after obsessively google-ing articles and other miscellaneous information about Max Winkler and the film itself.

But now, what has pushed me into action, my call to action, if you will, is Sunday’s VMAs. I can’t stop talking about them. I can’t stop talking about them. I re-watched them last night. It’s kind of my life right now. So I figured I might as well recap / share my opinions.

1. Gaga is weird. Like I get what you’re doing and you’re trying to like transcend race or something, but if you’re trying to be an “artist” and you’re going to be “in character” all night, then don’t break character all the time. She would randomly be herself instead of weird Joe Shmoe from Brooklyn or whoever the fuck she was pretending to be. All I know is that it seemed like a bad impression of Danny Zuko from Grease, and Happy Endings already covered that this year and it was hilarious. So shut up.

2. Kanye and Jay-Z. Amazeballs. Although I will say, as someone who has been to 4 Jay-Z concerts in the past 4 years, somehow Jay-Z doesn’t sound amazing on TV. He’s amazing live in concert but on TV I just like understand why older people or people who don’t like rap, wouldn’t understand that Jay-Z is different and better and ridiculous. Really, his voice is just, to steal a descriptor from Almost Famous, mellifluous.

But I still loved the performance and thought it was great. So patriotic, those two are with their giant American flag all the time. And, just like in their video for this song, they look like they're having the time of their lives, and for two guys who are as successful and rich as the two of them are, that's not somethin to sneeze at. Kind of sad Aziz Ansari didn't make an appearance this time around, but whatevs. I fully enjoyed Kanye's two-toned denim work shirt. Where can I purchase that? And also Kanye was very well behaved through the rest of the show even when Katy Perry called him out. Loved.

Get More: 2011 VMA, Music, JAY Z and Kanye West

3. Ne-Yo and Pitbull – that song is so fun and they both looked so happy and excited to be there it was really great and genuine. But whoever their backup woman was (upon a cursory Google search I have found out that this woman is Nayer -- #weird) was dressed in a truly bizarre lacy outfit. Not into it. And also, she couldn't really dance. She had one move and it was kind of weird and didn't need any actual skill to do. Like, I'm a pretty horrible/spazzy dancer and I'm confident I could do that one move.

But I still loved the whole performance, and how it sounded slightly different live but in a good way. Not in a better-than-radio-version way, just a good way. And you know what? After that I might just grab somebody sexy and tell them hey (but realistically, I definitely won't...)

Get More: 2011 VMA, Music, Pitbull

Ok, I hope you enjoyed that taste of nonsense. You get points 4-9, also known as the 2nd half of my post (and the actual VMAs) tomorrow. Don't be too sad, you know you wouldn't have read the whole thing if it was any longer than this. One page in Microsoft word is enough. I'm just trying to please the people. We'll see how long this lasts...

So, if the government could just GET the kitchen, REARRANGE some things, we could CERTAINLY party with the Hate-ians.

2010-10-27T11:42:00.005-04:00

Two nights ago I went to a meal and had some of the most absurdly bad service I have ever encountered.

Instead of yelping it I've decided to spew about it and my anger over America's tip policy.

As they say in the Sound of Music (which I've never seen in it's entirety because the end of the first VHS tape has them running from the Nazi's and I was always too scared to go on... I was also too scared to see the movie Twister until I was like 18... whatever) "LETS START FROM THE VERY BEGINNING!!!!!"

I got a blackboard eats coupon for this place Bombay Talkie, "Indian street food", whatever that means. But I had JUST been talking to a friend about how she loves Indian food and never has it so I decided to e-mail her and set a date to go. I made a reservation and everything, I wasn't fucking around. Reservation for 5 people. 8pm. Monday... The story continues...

One of the 5 calls in sick to dinner. It's ok. We forge on. Two of the now 4 arrive about 10 minutes early. Are seated and served some water. I would say they were not offered cocktails to start before the rest of the party arrived, but that is merely an assumption. But considering after I arrived it took approx 15+ minutes for any sort of wait staff to approach or table, I think it's a pretty safe assumption.

Then we had someone with allergies. So she asked our waitress, who was blonde and not really English speaking (in an Indian restaurant), if there was yeast or dairy in one of the dishes. Well, this woman did not understand the word yeast, so we had to spell it for her. And then she just basically didn't come back to the table to advise on what she found out in the kitchen re: the allergens and we had to ask her again.

Seriously, thank God that a. I was in good company (starring Dennis Quaid, Topher Grace and Scarlett Johansson?) and b. I wasn't that hungry... because the entire dinner ended up being over 2 hours. We put in our order and did not get our food for at least an hour.

The fact that in our society I still have to tip this person is just not OK, and it's a completely ridiculous aspect of America. Hanging with some Australians a few weeks ago I got a glimpse into how ridiculous outsiders think our tipping system is. And it really is.

So I'll be straight with you, I was no way no how giving this woman a 20% tip. It's one thing if it takes a long time to get your food. Waitresses aren't in control of EVERYTHING. But asking if we want more wine after we've been done with our first glass for 40 minutes is insanity. And you can at least check in once every 10 minutes to see if there's anything else we need instead of never doing that ever. Doing things like THAT is how you get a 20% tip.

Another thing that bothered me about this was that I had made a reservation. Like, if you're going to give poor service because you're too crowded (and it was crowded but not like insanely so) then do it to the people who showed up without giving you any warning. I told you we were coming. You better be fucking ready for us.

I've read Nickel and Dimed, I know that it's somewhere along the lines of humanly impossible to live on what you make being a waitress at most restaurants. But that doesn't mean you can go into work with complete disregard for your "trade" and still expect to take home full pay. It's ludicrous and I refuse to deal with bad service. And conversely, when I get good to great service I either leave extra money (if I'm in a restaurant or tip setting) or send e-mails praising people for their customer service. There are few things that make me feel better than an encounter with truly amazing (customer) service when I don't expect it.

We ended up giving like a 14% tip. If I was with people who weren't such good souls, I would have had no problem with leaving a 10% tip. And if I was with some foreigners (or anyone who would do it with me...), I would have gone straight 0% tip... And then ran out of the restaurant and continue running for at least 2 avenues.

And more than jazz, or musical theater, or morbid obesity, television is the true American art form.

2010-09-22T15:22:00.020-04:00

So this is it. We're smack dab in the middle of it right now -- premiere week. Let me tell you how my week has gone so far and how it's going to proceed.

MONDAY:
2 full hours of CBS sitcom fun. Seriously, what a great way to start out this premiere week. First there was How I Met Your Mother, which is always good. Like, I have never seen a bad episode of that show... Ever. So HIMYM kicked it off nice and good and really got my Monday night off to a fantastic start.

Then there was Rules of Engagement. Some know this as David Spade's show, also in this cast is Patrick Warburton (Puddy from Seinfeld) and a few others. The season premiere featured Jamie Presley who gets duped into sleeping with David Spade.

I think the only aspect of this show I have a problem with is that David Spade is constantly pulling tail when he looks like David Spade. But his hair is shorter now so he looks less like a woman, so that's a step in the right direction. I don't even know why I'm bad mouthing him right now, I'm actually a huge fan... but that doesn't mean I'd sleep with him (Or does it...)

Then the second half of the evening was Two and a Half Men. Charlie Sheen was also sporting a new haircut that I was not impressed with. But he's on the show and not in jail so I guess he gets points for that. Two and a Half Men was good as always, and it's funny and strange to see Jake growing up.

Then there was the premiere of Mike & Molly, a new sitcom about a couple who meets in Overeaster Annonymous. This was actually super cute and really sitcom-ing in a 90s kind of way. The classic sitcom set up, vibe, jokes, the whole thing. I'll definitely continue watching.

TUESDAY:
GLEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

So I think the people I talked to about Glee today are divided evently between those who were unimpressed and those who were obsessed. I fall into the obsessed category. The first song of the episode was Empire State of Mind, so after that, even though there was no where to go but down after such an AMAZING performance, the episode was still great, packed with the usual drama and some classic songs. I mean, with Telephone as the second song, I knew things would continue to be great. And as a Dream Girls hater the Dream Girls song that the little asian girl sang was AWESOME! I also like how they're working in the lesser known characters like Tina dating Mike Chang. Good stuff. Lea Michele's bangs look bad, but as always, her voice brings a tear to my eye.

Then after that I watched Running Wilde, the new Will Arnett and Keri Russell sitcom. Lets start out by saying if Will Arnett or Keri Russell is in anything I will watch it. So them in something together is really great. The show isn't THAT amazing yet, because with a first episode there's too much plot and background to explain but it was still good and funny. If Will Arnett's voice alone doesn't make you laugh outloud then you actually have no soul. The show is good and it's going to get better, especially since Mitchell Hurwitz is involved. In case you don't know Mitchell Hurwitz = Arrested Development. So... Done and done.

Here's what the rest of my week is looking like, in case you need any TV suggestions...

TONIGHT:
2 hour season premiere of Law & Order: SVU on NBC

On ABC there's The Middle on at 8, Better with You at 8:30, Modern Family at 9 and Cougar Town at 9:30.

Wow, that's intense right there. I wonder if I'm going to fit that all in toinght? Next Wednesday is the premiere of Law & Order: LA, which I'm suuuuper excited about.

The Middle is Patricia Heaton's show and I think it's extremely underrated. This show is fun for the whole family and I'm glad they brought it back for a second season even though I haven't really heard of anyone else watching it. Check it out!!!!

I read the pilot for Better With You a while ago and it was pretty good. I'm fairly certain this will immediately get added into my regular schedule. Here's the quick plot from IMDB, "Two sisters are at different stages in their respective relationships." So descriptive! Love it!

And seriously, I BEG OF YOU, give Cougar Town a chance. It started off rough last season but it became really great. It's fun and easy going and... fun. Seriously, take it for a test drive, I think you'll like it.

THURSDAY:
the usual NBC shows, which at this point are really just Community and 30 Rock. I might try and episode of The Office and see if I can repress the feeling of wants to brutally murder Steve Carrell every time he talks, but that's not looking good. Kind of excited for him to be off the show, but we'll see. For all you cheese balls out there Grey's and Private Practice is Thursday too. Unfortunately I have opted out of both of those shows since I don't like crying hysterically for hour long periods on the weekly. It's just too much.

Oh, and LAST Thursday was the premiere of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and The League. Sunny was exactly as it always is and exactly how it always should be. Hilariously awesome and tackling current events. I love when a show as ridiculous as Sunny manages to fit in social commentary. And they did. And it was gay marriage. And it was awesome.

The League... if you're a guy and you don't like The League then I have an issue with you. The season premiere wasn't that great, but every episode last season was like pee your pants hilarious. It's about a group of guys and their fantasy football league. As soomone who actually hates football and fantasy football I'm still able to watch it and really enjoy it. They do have some football stuff but it's mostly just funny goodness. I'm gunna make it real easy for you too, here's the link to the show on hulu http://www.hulu.com/the-league go to it, watch episode 1 of season 1. Enjoy.

Ugh. I'm so happy this time of year is here. I don't even know how I manage to work and live and be social and watch all of the TV that I watch. I'll probably get reaaaalll anti-social soon because I have hours of TV to watch nightly. Happy Premiere Week to all and to all a good night!

Why I don't break the rules.

2010-09-10T10:58:00.006-04:00

Ok, I know it’s been a while. We all need a little summer vacation, am I right? But with the passage of Labor Day and summer officially drawing to a close, although you wouldn’t know it from looking at my face as it drips sweat in the subway… I've decided it's time.

I've been called a wuss, a pussy, a wimp, scaredy cat, all of those. And you know what? I am those things. Because when put into a situation where I would be called one of those names and I've submitted to the peer pressure, if you will, I've always gotten caught in the end and gotten in some sort of trouble... Lets review these instances and you can laugh at the kind of luck that a gal like me has. Luck combined with the fact that I can't act or lie, so if I ever do something against the rules it's written all over my face...

The first and only time I snuck into an R-rated move. Me and two friends tried to sneak into Something About Mary. What happened, you ask? A movie theater worker approached us, while we were siting in the theater, asked us to see our tickets, saw that they were Mask of Zorro instead of Something About Mary and asked us to leave. Disaster.

That's only the beginning. The one time I had a kegger at my house in high school somehow the cops showed up and "arrested" me. The good/pathetic part was that the keg wasn't even tapped because my guy friends are apparently idiots. I didn't get hand-cuffed, which does make it seem way less bad ass. But I got a ticket and had to go to court and my lawyer told me I was going to have to shave my head because of the lice situation in the Bridgeport jails and also get raped by other women. So there's that...

Then there's the time in high school my girlfriends and I decided to get drunk at my house during the super bowl (cause if you're a girl, the only point in watching the super bowl is to eat and get drunk of course... oh yeah, and watch commercials.) My parents came home bizarrely early from a super bowl party and walked into the family room as 6 of us were bottoms up on shots of Absolute. Whoops. My mom literally reacted like we were sitting in a circle tying each other off and shooting up heroin.

And also in high school I was the "designated driver" one weekend and my friends left a half finished case of beer in my trunk. First of all, my parents knew I wasn't a big drinker cause A. I've always been very open about that and B. I like vodka. So OBVIOUSLY as the case of 30 is in my trunk my dad decides it's the perfect time to switch out my tires for snow tires (you need all the help you can get in CT in the winter with a car originally purchased in 1985 that has rear wheel drive and one airbag). They found the beer and again, trouble for this girl.

First WEEK of college. We were drinking boxed wine in a dorm room (OBV!) and we left to go to a party, taking out solo cups with me. Within a group of 5 girls, somehow the RA only stopped me (everyone else managed to scatter and escpae, but somehow I get asked what's in my cup. Obviously I respond with "Cranberry juice" (it was red wine) and I get written up and have to go to take an alcohol awareness class my first month of college.

Then senior year my friends got drunk and stole a street sign and left it in my living room. I wasn't even out that night. But we ended up with a giant orange "Road Closed" sign in my living room for weeks. So the blinds were up one night and the campus cops saw it, came in and did a search of my entire apartment, which was actually riddled with illegal goods but luckily they were all hidden. But the cop literally picked up a salt shaker from the table and inspected it like he seriously thought I had a salt shaker full of cocaine. Like I know coke is a popular drug but really, guy? A salt shaker full of it? Do you have ANY idea how much that would cost? So somehow in this situation I got in some minor trouble for something I didn't even do and got really lucky he didn't find the real stuff. Cause that... would have been really bad.

Those are a few that stuck out in my mind. The big ones. Apparently mostly alcohol related... There are so many more insane instances like this -- me getting caught in white lies and other random scenarios that most people wouldn't think twice about. But I think all the big ones happened in high school because I've learned my lesson (kind of, but not really) and I try not to break the rules if I can avoid it.

Then, finally, a few weeks ago, I caught a break. I went with a friend to the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater for a live College Humor show. She had free tickets and as we walked by the obscenely long line outside the theater to pick up our tickets at the box office we were like "Eek! Hope we don't have to wait in that." So we asked the guy at the box office if we could just stay down there instead of going to the end of the line and he said he had to get in line.

I don't know what came over me, but I decided that we should sneak in. So we walked into the tiny theater that had just been cleared out from the previous show. On our way in someone asked us if we were on the VIP list and we just said yes and kept walking. Actually, my friend said yes and I stood there silently because I would have just said no and turned around and walked out to wait in the heinous line.

As I'm literally shaking with nerves and bewilderment that we hadn't gotten kicked out already, we walk to some chairs and what do you know... But there are four chairs taped off with my friend's last name on them! SCORE! We got sweet seats and didn't have to wait in line. FINALLY! So I wasn't really breaking the rules, since I was indeed on the list, but you get the gist.

On an unrelated note I'm exhausted today because I stayed up until 2 am last night watching Marley & Me and 500 Days of Summer last night. I don't know how this all happened, but I do know that it was my first time seeing Marley & Me and I don't think I've cried that hard since I saw Pearl Harbor in theaters. Shit was intense. Jennifer Anniston and Owen Wilson are an amazing looking couple of blondes.

On a related note I apologize to all my tens of faithful readers who I've deserted the past few months. This begins my attempt at trying to post on the semi-reg again.

Just Shut Up Already

2010-07-19T15:30:00.003-04:00

Ok, so for someone who talks a lot (and loudly) I’m very familiar with the looks and general vibe of someone who wants you to just stop talking. Usually I’m aware of it and I just ignore it. But sometimes I will actually stop talking and try to stop annoying the person(s) I’m yelling stories at. And yes I realized that's a dangling preposition and no I don't care...

So this man who comes in to work to pay bills for my "company" once a week is just the worst. We sit in the same room for a few hours once a week and at some point he decides to tell me some sort of story that I don’t want to hear. I'm convinced he brainstorms what topic he's going to delve into each week.

I usually remain staring at my computer responding with phrases like “uh huh” and “yeah” until he’s done. And I don’t just stare at my computer, I actively partake in G-chat conversations while he’s talking to me. I also use his random burst of conversation to make myself seem really busy by shuffling papers and actually doing a little work. But he keeps on going until his story is done.

This week’s convo in particular stuck in my mind. I told him that I’m moving to California in a few weeks and he responded with tales of his own road trip to the wild wild west when he was in his early 20s. This man is probably in his 40s now and has a family and lives on Long Island. I’m pretty sure his wife is mentally unstable as she calls him at least once every time he’s in my office and he usually has to talk her off some sort of ledge and tell her to “calm down” 20 times.

Anyway, his story was about road tripping out west by himself and deciding if he was going to stay out there or come back. He said he kind of wishes he had stayed (surprise surprise, I have friends who graduated college a year ago who are more competent at accounting than you are). But then he told me a detailed account of going to Las Vegas alone and he literally used the words “ORIENTAL HOOKER” when talking about an apparently Asian prostitute who was hitting on him while he was gambling.

He also described a conversation that he, the dealer and the Oriental hooker had without saying any words. They all were just looking at each other and knew exactly what was going on. He declined said Oriental hookers advances (I don't remember if he did that with words or with his eyes...) and then got dealt a 21 and won some money and the dealer gave him a "you shoulda kept her around" look. And that was the story.

He literally had no clue that “Oriental” is a completely inappropriate word to say. And it’s not like we’re friends. Like if someone who I joke around with referred to an Asian person as an "Oriental" I would laugh because it would just sound strange coming out of the mouth of a 20-something and it would obviously be used in jest. But if you’re over 40 and saying “Oriental” you really are out of touch with the world. And PS, we were in a work place, yes it’s a man in an apartment but this is a job for both of us, we’re not out for drinks hanging and talking about the good old days.

So yeah… I'm not sure what the point of his story was. I guess it's good for him that he could reminisce about better days (back in an economy that rained Oriental hookers on us all!) but if anything it just disturbed me and made me want to get him out of my office that much sooner. But what if his story was about how he banged an oriental hooker in Vegas? I'm not sure if I would have more or less respect for him if that's how the story had gone... But I do know that I'm thoroughly grossed out either way.

HOLY. HILLS.

2010-07-14T12:47:00.013-04:00

Last night really made my life. I will give a quick run down of the final moments of The Hills, just incase you live under a rock and missed it. As Kristin pulls away from Brody in a town car (to go to the airport to fly off to Europe) we focus in on Brody with the Hollywood Hills and the Hollywood sign in the background. Then the background shifts to the side and the camera pulls back to reveal that they’re on a set. The car that Kristin has just departed in pulls back around and she gets out of it and hugs Brody on a soundstage – the final image of The Hills.

Can I just say, when this happened, I screamed at the top of my lungs and cried. But that shouldn’t come as a big surprise because I do that like once an episode during most shows that I watch. The Natasha Bedingfield acoustic unwritten was and INCREDIBLE touch.

This whole reveal was a slap in the face, but also an amazing exercise in honesty. Yes, they’ve been tooling us around the whole time. Yes, they made it out to be a reality show when in actuality it was totally fake. But at least they admitted it. It was like they said, “Gotcha!” to us after pulling a practical joke that lasted 5 years and took up an inordinate amount of my time, energy and life. The only way I can really describe it was the The Hills anally raped my mind with awesomeness last night.

Let’s start with Audrina. Aud decides she’s going to move out to Hermosa to live on the beach. BORING. Maybe it’s because she has issues with goodbyes. But I do kind of respect her cutting ties. She didn’t want to go to Kristin’s goodbye party at risk of running into Justin. This is probably the first smart life decision Audrina has made on all 6 seasons of The Hills. People do change! Although I do miss the days when Audrina was watching Justin cheat on her every week and then going back to him by the end of the episode... And the days when Spencer was sending Audrina flowers while he was dating Heidi. What… a classy guy.

So now I’ll move on to Heidi and Spencer, who have been MIA for the last few episodes of The Hills. It’s just like in life when people just get way too crazy and you just need to pass them on to the professionals. That’s how I feel about Spencer and Heidi. You just get so tired after hearing so much crazy for so long that it loses its shock value and isn’t even interesting. I say good riddance.

Yes, that's a pic of H&S before even Heidi's very first round of surgeries. Sad...

Aaaaaaaand plastic-ed out.

If Heidi and Spencer somehow get their own show or something it will just be so stupid and ridiculous and awful. I think we should all just pretend like they don’t exist. ALTHOUGH, it was super sad on the after show when they played clips to Holly of Heidi from when she was normal. Poor Heidi. I mean I guess there’s one in every bunch that gets sucked into the Hollywood scene and thinks they need 25 plastic surgeries to look good. I think by now everything has settled in and looks less plastic, that stuff gets more natural with time. But still, kudos to Spencer for being an expert brainwasher. You have to admit, that’s kind of impressive. I would be surprised if Spencer was the head of some sort of suicide/crystal cult in 10 years… or now…

Then there's Brody Jenner. I don't even have anything to say about him other than that he's so my type it's not even funny. I mean I know he's everyone's type because he's ridiculously good looking. But the ways in which he's an asshole, are the kinds of guys I'm always attracted to. Except they don't look like that, which is unfortunate for both me and them. It's really impossible to look at Brody without getting silly in the pants. He's a dime if there ever was one. What's he going to do now? I'm dying to find out. Maybe he should just join the cast of Keeping up with the Kardashians and call it a day. It's a shame his weird competition Bromance show was so bad, because I could really use some more Brody in my life and on my TV... And in my bed...

Let’s also get this out the way… I just feel like I need to say it so you can really get where I’m coming from. I miss Lauren Conrad. I miss her every day. I love her so much I just wish we could hang out all day and be best friends for life. She’s so pretty and perfect and I know she doesn’t have a personality that makes you want to like her, but you just have to like her anyway. And on the after party she really looked the happiest that I’ve ever seen her. And I know her facial expressions well… Since half the show was composed of them. I see an engagement in the not-so-distant future for her and my boyfriend, Kyle Howard.

Kristin Cavallari. I mean I love her. She’s great. And with the “surprise” ending exposing the show as a fraud you kind of get that Kristin was just there to be a part of the show. She wasn’t really sharing her life with us. She was doing what the script told her to do. She was playing along. But the only thing I still don’t get, is how Kristin pulled off those tears out to lunch with Lo when she was crying over Brody last week. I mean, I would buy into the fact that all of that was fake, but I just don’t think she’s good enough of an actor. I also saw her on Chelsea Lately a few days ago and she like oddly tip-toed around Chelsea’s question asking if her and Brody hooked up. Basically telling us that it was all just for the show. Whatever, it kept me entertained.

And then there's Lo... The only one who actually seems real. And at this point, the only one still with us since the very beginning in Laguna Beach. The only thing I didn't like about Lo in this episode is that they somehow have swindled her boyfriend into being part of the show when before he was never on camera. And his whole love confession thing made me really uncomfortable. It was just so awkward and obviously fake/scripted. Which, yes, the whole show is, but I don't like when it actually seems that way, duh. And I also didn't like that she kept talking about how ready she was to settle down. Just because the show is ending doesn't mean your life has to come to a complete stop. You're 25... Calm down. I'm hoping that's something the producers wrote and not how she really feels. But I did go to her website when it launched yesterday... The Lo Down (clever!!!)

I don't think I care enough about Stephanie Pratt to write a full paragraph about her. She looks better since she stopped drinking. And her awkwardness with her new boyfriend was kind of funny and cute. Good times.

So in conclusion, Although The Hills is fake, it’s still pretty real. I mean that’s not our lives and that’s not what we do, but at the same time, isn’t it? The producers might manipulate the characters into certain situations that wouldn’t have happened otherwise, but those situations have a realness to them that we can all connect to and relate to on some level. Yeah, our weeks aren’t filled with weeknight bottle service outings and daily alfresco lunch dates, but the problems and issues that occur among a group of friends and non-friends, co-workers almost, are similar to issues that we all have, and for that… For that I am thankful.

PS I’m watching this final minute of The Hills on repeat and crying actual tears every single time. I can’t help it. It’s just too good. So many emotions. Oh what a journey it’s been.

Stop Being Such a Slut.

2010-06-14T15:27:00.008-04:00

There are many things wrong with the sense of entitlement that kids these days have. It certainly came with the change in times. I quote my favorite show “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” to exemplify this phenomenon, “The kids aren't bopping anymore - they're banging each other and doing meth before grade school.”

Although that’s a little extreme, it’s true enough. Things are different now than they were just 10 years ago, when I was 15. Sometimes I think that my age group was the first to really make this transition into being completely inappropriate and slutty for our age. But the girls the age group below me (3-4 years younger) were a totally different breed of whore starting from early middle school.

It was like my grade opened the door to sluttiness and the younger girls ran right through it. As my mom liked to describe them, “Those girls will give you a blow job before they give you a handshake”.

So here’s my perspective. I’m going to again put partial blame for this on the girls (again). I’m going to put the another part of the blame on the parents. And of course the boys are to blame too.

In George Huguely’s case, he’s obviously had issues before. If he thought that it was OK to threaten a police officer to the point where she has to taser him, he has some pretty serious anger issues. And I’m going to assume that those anger issues existed long before he went to college. So here I blame his parents for not sending him to a shrink when he was in middle school to find out why he thought it was OK to go around the neighborhood strangling cats and lighting things on fire (I made that up, but I bet he did one, if not both, of those).

Something I’m surprised has not been brought up more since Yeardly Love’s murder is the SAT scandal of 2002. A group of Landon boys cheated on the SATs and got caught. This exemplifies the sense of entitlement more effectively than Yeardley Love's murder because cheating is a non-violent crime. These boys had no issue with breaking the rules to better their performance on a major test after their parents most likely spent thousands of dollars on tutors to prepare them for it. No one got hurt, they just thought so highly of themselves that they didn't have to follow the rules and they could get away with it.

Before I get all high and mighty I’m going to say I went to a high school where everyone cheated. There was an actual front-page article on the New York Times the year after I graduated that discussed the rampant cheating problem among children in wealthy towns. I cheated significantly less often than many people I know but to say I never cheated would be a bold-faced lie.

Maureen Dowd wrote an op-ed piece for the Times last week calling out Landon boys for having a draft-style game where they rated the incoming freshman girls. Maybe my school prepared me for this more than others. If there aren’t programs and forums for these kinds of things to be discussed before the middle schoolers enter high school then that’s just sad.

It’s time to accept that times are different and that stuff like this happens all the time. It’s going to keep happening if you don’t prepare the victims for it. We’ve already squashed the hazing problem in most schools -- it was done at my high school by the time I was a sophomore. For freshman volleyball initiation I had buy condoms and pregnancy tests at CVS and then read a poem to a senior football player. Gasp!

The fact that "all in good fun" stuff like that had to cease to exist because other girls thought it would be OK to make their freshman give blow jobs to carrots (the girls were blindfolded and did not think it was a carrot about to end their mouths) is unfortunate. But am I the only one with any spine? If someone blindfolded me and told me I was about to give my first blow job to God knows who at age 14 I would have said "hells no" and gotten the hell out of there. Is everyone really so desperate to be accepted??

The cheating, the slut-draft, and the drunk murder all have something in common – sense of entitlement. I could pretend like I know how to fix this. I know I see too many aspects of the world in a simple black and white and that I’m also totally jaded -- but Maureen Dowd and parents flipping out about this draft is weird to me. I don’t think the draft is a good thing, but if none of the girls went to this “opening day party” and slutted it up with the upperclassmen, then it wouldn’t be a big deal. And although Dowd’s article doesn’t go into that, I’m assuming that’s what happened.

And does anyone know guys (of all ages) are!? Are you aware if an older group of guys are inviting a younger group of girls to hang out that it’s not to play hop scotch and drink cream soda? Hop scotch is booze and sex and cream soda is semen. Stop being so naive.

My guy friends in high school used to do crap like this with the younger girls all the time. Invite younger girls over to a house and the girls would all end up performing some sort of striptease culminating in being naked in a hot tub. The guys continued to act like this through college and they continue to act like this now as 25-year-old young professionals. Everyone thinks this is OK because the fact that those girls are willing and able make it OK.

If the guys made a draft of hottest girls and none of those girls hook up with them, then who are the foolish ones -- the girls whose names are written on a piece of paper or the guys with blue balls and no girls to hang out with?

But there is always going to be at least 1 of the top 5 of girls on that list who has enough daddy issues to embrace being called hot enough to hook up with these losers. And that girl is the one who ruins it for everyone. The one who gives guys the idea that what they’re doing is OK. And the one who make sluttiness seem normal to the rest of the soon-to-be slutty girls.

I’m not taking the Tina Fey in Mean Girls stance, which is for girls to stop calling each other sluts and whores so that guys don’t think it’s ok to also do that. I think name calling is fine and all in good fun. I call for girls to actually stop being sluts and whores. And THAT is how to make a change. It would also probably help if politicians and professional athletes stopped cheating on their spouses and in their professions as well. But I don't see any of that happening anytime soon.

Where My Mother Fathers At?

2010-06-03T16:12:00.002-04:00

I feel like I’m posting videos like every day. But when someone sends me a good vid, I feel it my social obligation to share it with you all (that's ya'll for the southern readers). And it also usually provides for a shorter post in which I’m not angrily ranting about something while sweating with anger as I punch away at my keyboard.

This video came to me a couple weeks back courtesy of my soon-to-be-30 lawyer friend down in the District of Hell... I mean... Columbia. That reminds me, I really need to write a post about why I hate DC so much.

This video inspired me to write about something more, something important, something I hold near and dear to my heart - my love of minivans.

I used to have the typical anti-minivan mindset that is so popular for many last-name-keeping forward-thinking ladies out there - that minivans are ugly and embarrassing. A symbol of our youth coming to an end. The death of cool.

But mostly just because they’re ugly and you would prefer to drive a tricked-out giant SUV that guzzles gas and pollutes the environment so your grandchildren will die coughing up a lung at the age of 16. That’s fine, that’s your choice. Al Gore and Tipper broke up so I don’t even know what to think about global warming anymore! That’s a joke, I’m still a greenie, somebody buy me a Prius!

But one summer in high school I drove with two friends to Boston for a John Mayer concert (yea we did). Because my car was straight out of 1988 my parents didn’t want me taking it on a long trip. So I took the family minivan, and… I fell in love.

And it wasn’t just any mini van. It was a Toyota Sienna minivan. The very minivan featured in the video above, which is awesome and hilarious. Young people want to be old and old people want to be young. Benjamin Button really knew what he was doing. Ugh, Brad Pitt on a sailboat. Swoon.

Anyway, I thought that video was great and wanted you all to see it and I thought it would also be a pertinent time to come out of the closet, if you will, as a minivan lover. I might have to get one before I’m married with kids, because they’re just that amazing. And let's be honest, "married with kids" is not too close on my horizon. Seriously though, you will not find a smoother ride than in a mini van.

One part of driving a SUV/van as opposed to a sedan, and this is for the ladies, is the space between the driver’s seat and the passenger’s seat. It’s the perfect place to put your bag and other random shit. This space, in a mini van, is absolutely colossal. You could house a family of 4 in the space between the driver’s seat and passenger’s seat.

Ok, that’s all from me. I hope you don’t think less of me when I’m driving a mini van before I turn 30…

PSFD - Post Season Finale Depression.

2010-05-27T12:39:00.015-04:00

Ok, it hasn’t been easy for me. It really hasn’t. My Monday, Wednesday and Thursday shows are what keep me sane. What keep me happy. What keep me warm at night. But now they’re gone and I am sad.

Let me also say that I don’t watch dramas. I’m a student of the sitcom and it’s pretty much all I watch (aside from Law & Order), so I know that you’re probably crying about Lost being over but know that I am not going to cover that here…. Or anywhere…. Ever.

I will kick this off as the one week anniversary of the NBC Thursday shows that finaleed (I just made up that word) last week. If you haven’t watched yet, I advise you to stop reading here… aka SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!

Community

Can I just say… Wow. Community went from a really rocky start to being totally awesome. Maybe it’s because the characters grew on me or maybe it’s because when any group of misfits become a cohesive group of friends it’s fun to watch.

With the sexual tension between Jeff and Britta building since day one, it was really great to see Britta take a step out of her comfort zone and admit in front of everyone that she loves Jeff. I was kind of pissed when they didn’t address the fact that Jeff and Britta slept together in the episode after it happened, but it was worth the wait. And Slater came out of left field wanting to get back together with Jeff. Which was necessary to force Jeff to choose between them.

But THEN he decided to go for Annie instead… Which was pretty easy to see coming somewhere in the middle of the episode, but I don’t see it going anywhere next season. And if it does Britta will be PISSED, so it might be kinda fun.

Ahbed and Troy's friendship is amazing. The jokes about them being a couple are always funny. They are a serious comic duo. And also, Ahbed relates everything to movies and TV and essentially speaks in movie quotes half the time, so I feel like we're... one.

Parks & Rec

Always a pleasure. I mean how could guest starring Rob Lowe and Adam Scott not be totally awesome? And for more than one episode!? Yes, please!

I was not happy when Ben recommended that Leslie be fired in order to cut the Parks Department’s budget. I really thought those two had some sexual tension building and was sad to see that Ben would throw her under the bus like that. But he came around in the end and I still think they’re in love and meant to be.

I loved watching Ron have to stand up for Leslie, which of course he had to do because without Leslie he would actually have to do work. I also thought there was some sexual tension building between Leslie and Mark and was disappointed that we didn’t have another season finale with the two of them making out.

OMG OMG OMG ANDY AND APRIL ANDY AND APRIL!!!!!! This made my night/life. And of course they infused it with so much drama that it will easily run into next season (which will not start until January, grrrrrr!) First they admitted that they liked each other (I cried) and then April said she couldn’t be with him because she thinks he still has feelings for Anne.

THEN Andy gets hit by a car and has to go to the hospital. THEN while Anne is taking care of him as his nurse in the hospital she gets nostaligic and kisses him. THEN April comes back to tell him that she’s so sorry and that she does want to be with him. They kiss (I swoon/cry again). THEN he tells her how happy he is and that he doesn’t want to lie to her and that Anne just kissed him. And then April runs out of the room.

It’s kind of a cheesy and obvious way to dramatize the situation but I loved every second of it. I’m just really hoping the Jim-and-Pam effect doesn’t happen to April and Andy. But I have faith in them. I think they’ll be able to get around it.

And if you don't think Aziz Ansari is hilarious, then I don't like you.

30 Rock

Holy. 30 Rock. First of all, I screamed AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS in bed on Thursday night when Matt Damon appeared on my screen in a pilot’s uniform. "Yeah I'm a doorman... To the SKY!" Playing a character named Carroll (amazing) who Liz Lemon falls in love with at first sight. And he’s a TGS fan!!!! Perfection!!!!!

I’m VERY curious with what is going to happen to all of this season finale stuff next season… Kenneth got fired, Avery is preggers with Jack’s baby and he proposed to her, and Liz and Carroll decided to give it a shot. Two of these main plot points involve guest stars. So someone let me know if Lizzie Banks or Matt Damon has signed on to be in episodes for next season, because I don’t really see how this is going to work.

As far as 30 Rock season finales go, this one was pretty great. Not as amazing as the Midnight Train to Georgia finale a couple years back (I just looked for a video of that awesomeness but couldn’t find it. Damn you, NBC! Foiled again!)

I have to say that I really would have liked to get a Tina Fey – Matt Damon kiss on screen. Oh well. Maybe one day...

And I didn’t watch The Office finale because I don’t watch The Office, but I heard it was AWFUL.

Ok, that’s it. I don’t even know if I have the energy to recap my CBS Monday finale night from this week. So many feelings.

And that's what you missed... On GLEE!

2010-05-26T13:35:00.007-04:00

Glee is amazing. Sorry, I have this whole post set up recapping the NBC Thursday finales from last week and now I can’t even fathom doing that. And this wasn’t even the finale. And I HAVE to bring to your attention the greatest song/performance to ever grace the airwaves.

First of all, Lea Michele’s voice, quite literally, brings tears to my eyes most times I hear it. And you know what? She’s weird and obnoxious and strange but her voice is ground breaking. Glee couldn’t exist as a show without her.

I have a friend who writes musicals and I remember talking to him a couple years back about what he was up to and what projects he was working on. One of them was some sort of musical sitcom/tv show. In my head I was like “good luck with that, the world is not ready for such a thing.” But we are… We really really are.

I say we’re not open to just any musical TV show. Like a show in the Dream Girls style where people just burst into song for no reason half the time would be a disaster. But I also have to admit that I hate Dream Girls despite my love for anything musical.

In order to break the norm and come out with something totally different it has to be beyond fantastic. Lea Michele’s voice is unlike anything I’ve ever heard. And you know what? It deserves to be heard by the masses. It should not be restricted to Broadway. It should be on a show that appeals to a bunch of people, on a show that is the first of it’s kind.

Now lets address some fears I have for Glee. Glee is different not only because it has music, but it’s also a hilarious comedy. And yes there's drama in there too, but there's a ton of comedy. And comedies typically don’t run for an hour. Glee does. It’s just so funny and amazing when they’re being funny that I’m scared the greatness just can’t last.

It’s not easy to be funny for 24 episodes of a full season on a half hour show. How Glee has managed to do it is really impressive. I mean, they did take a longer hiatus than other shows, leaving us at the beginning of December and not returning until April, whereas most shows return in January. So that did give them some time to get their shit together.

But yeah, we’ll see what happens. You don’t want to have to go for so long that you start making up ridiculous plot points, like Grey’s Anatomy fake pretending to kill a major character every week (I stopped watching like 2 years ago when they tried to kill Meredith). It’s insulting.

My only issue with Glee is I’m pretty sure Quinn should have given birth like months ago and they don’t even make her look pregnant. At all.

PS I have been listening to Poker Face by Lea Michele and Idina Menzel on repeat for the entire time I wrote this. Normal.

Dear Mark Zuckerberg...

2010-05-12T13:39:00.009-04:00

Let’s talk about Facebook privacy settings for a hot second. I get that some people don’t want all their shit all over Facebook. And when I say “I get” I mean I understand that that is how some people feel but don’t understand why they feel that way at all. If that is how you feel then get the fuck off of Facebook and disappear from cyber space altogether, please.

It’s one thing to hide your shit while you’re looking for a new job or something. Or because you’re scared your boss is going to see you smoking crack or whatever the hell you’re so embarrassed about. Newsflash: If you're 21, you’re allowed to drink alcohol and get drunk while you're not at work. It’s not the end of the world. But if it is, then just un-tag inappropriate pictures or block your pictures from the people you work with. Fine. Do that if you have to do that. But if you’re on Facebook and you don’t have a wall and you don’t have tagged pictures then what the fuck do you think you’re doing? And don't even get me started on people who don't have profile pictures. Don't. Even. Get. Me. Started.

So this is what I need from Marky Mark Zucks- I need a privacy setting that blocks only those people (the ones without pictures and walls) from my pictures and wall. Because you know what? It’s a tit for tat world out there. And if you’re going to be a Facebook hermit than you shouldn’t be able to have the privileges of looking at other people’s Facebook info. The opposite of "I'll show you mine if you show me yours", if you will. You are a cyber Peeping Tom and it’s not OK. Real Peeping Toms get arrested. All you have is the internet. And you are a coward. COWARD I SAY!

I have to say that sometimes I think about deactivating from Facebook altogether. I miss the simpler time when you didn’t know what people you hate and tried to cut out of your life do every weekend… Or every second of every day. I mean I still successfully avoid it on Facebook by "hiding" them on my Newsfeed, but it’s still accessible and I don't like having that access.

And I’m not going to de-friend anyone. Because although I de-friend people in real life like it’s my job, I consider Facebook de-friending to be the most heinous of social faux-pas. Really the rudest thing you could ever do to someone. I'd rather someone call me a "cunt" to my face then de-friend me on Facebook. But hey, we all have different values.

That’s not even my main problem, though. Facebook takes out the surprises of the future. A college or high school reunions aren't going to be half as fun because you’re going to know most if not all of the good gossip beforehand. It’s similar to how I don’t love having e-mail access on my phone because now there’s no fun surprise when I log on to my e-mail on a computer. And that used to be exciting. Oh the fleeting memories of youth… Snail mail. Sigh.

But if I did deactivate from Facebook… What would I do all day? I don’t even like it but that’s because I’m on it so much. If I was actually busy and only had time to check Facebook once or twice a day, I think things would be way different. But I have no self control and I usually check it more than once an hour even though nothing at all has happened. That’s when I go into my own profile and admire my own beauty, like Narcissus before me. But sometimes I do like the info. Like the wedding pics and other info about people that I don't keep in touch with but don't actively hate. So... ya know, two sides to every story and all that.

But either way I’m an admitted addict. My name is Brady and I’m addicted to Facebook.

Flarhgunnstow

2010-05-07T11:58:00.003-04:00

As I prepare to depart from work early on this gorgeous New York day to head down to Orlando to freaking 90 degree humidity (kill me) I thought I should share this with all of you.

I wish this is what I did at work all day... Actually, I think this is what I do at work all day.

Paul Rudd is always a good time. And when I say always I'm excluding "I Love You, Man" because that movie had huge potential and ended up sucking balls.

Pandora: Not just where the Na'vi people live

2010-05-06T12:16:00.005-04:00

I thought we had a deal here… I thought you would play the same 20-30 songs on repeat on each station I create and I would pretend like I didn’t notice you can only find 20-30 songs with musical qualities similar to Cold War Kids (that’s the station I’ve been listening to the most lately. I highly recommend).

But no. You’ve led me on to believe we had this perfect relationship, and it’s not. You don’t want to be with me for more than 40 hours a month? How insulting. 40 hours a month? Do you know what I do all day? Nothing. Well, not nothing… But mostly nothing. And when I’m not doing nothing I’m doing something that I can listen to music while doing. And there is way more than 40 hours a month that I need your services.

40 hours is the normal amount that people work in a week, not a month. I’m just kinda sick of all of Pandora’s bullshit. They pride themselves on being commercial free… but there are still commercials. I mean, yeah, there are way way fewer commercials on Pandora than there are on normal radio. I’ll give them that. I’m not trying to take that away. But once every few songs there’s some stupid man talking about like buying tickets to Wicked or something else that I’m not interested in and highly annoyed by.

And all you need is $.99 for me to continue listening? How ridiculous. Don't spend it all in one place, Pandora.

And then Pandora tried to link to Facebook. Uh… NO THANK YOU! When I go in to see a new song is playing to find out the info so I can download it myself, the LAST thing I need to know is that Douchey McDoucherson “likes this artist”. What… a turnoff. Luckily I figured out how to disconnect from Facebook. Phew. Who knows what would have happened to my taste in music if I didn’t figure that one out.

And also, the alert that comes up saying that they don’t like playing to an empty room? That annoys me when I’m sitting there and it happens a bunch of times and I just want to be like YES. I’M RIGHT HERE. I AM IN THE ROOM. YOU ARE NOT PLAYING TO AN EMPTY ROOM. CALM DOWN. Or maybe it’s me who needs to calm down. Whatever.

If Pandora plays to an empty room, does it make a sound? They’re saying yes. I guess that solves the whole tree falling in the woods conundrum. Consider your mind blown.

Hm, what else can I gripe about? I guess I’ll just keep this short. My main point was that I had no idea that Pandora had any sort of limitations other than that you can’t push “next” more than 5 times in a row on the same station because of licensing restrictions. But I hope I’ve alerted you to this heinous injustice. And that together, we can make a change. Yes. We. Can.

P.S. As I wrote this… you can bet your ass I was listening to my newly created Phoenix station on Pandora the whole time. Whoopsies. Never said I wasn’t a hypocrite.

Oh Snap

2010-05-03T13:42:00.002-04:00

Ok, if you know me at all you know that I'm not one for politics. But I have to say, I really did enjoy Obama's stab at comedy writing. His silliness makes him even more attractive. I'm not going to lie, there are more than a few jokes in there that I don't get at all because I have no idea who the people he's talking about are but I know he's making fun of them and I like it. And also, I don't follow politics... Or the news. This is the first I've heard of this "oil spill" in the gulf... I'm kidding of course (or am I?)

Is it just me or does Jay Leno look chubby? His large head is looking even more bulbous than usual. I heard that he bombed but I don't think it's that awful. Leno wasn't as good as Obama, but who is? Obama is superman. A black superman. Slash President...

Enjoy

Rest In Peace (Part 2)

2010-04-19T15:15:00.013-04:00

And so I continue my tribute to Brittany Murphy...

There’s the movie Just Married. I… I can’t even begin to put into words my love for this movie. It is definitely in my top 5 RomComs. It was one of those movies that, in previews, looked absolutely awful and cheesy and stupid. I don’t even know how long after it went to DVD I actually saw it, but when I did I fell in love. Hard.

There are three movies in my life that I have watched 3 times within 72 hours of my first viewing. They are: St. Elmo’s Fire, The Royal Tenenbaums, and Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. I would put Just Married in the category of movie’s I’m surprised are not on that list, because I could watch it forever and ever and never get sick of it.

The on-screen chemistry between Ashton and BMurph in Just Married is OFF THE CHARTS. Maybe it's because at the time they were a couple in real life. Who knows. I'd venture to say I've never seen anything as good until last night when I saw An Education. Go watch that immediately. Peter Sarsgaard is ridiccccc. For the record, worst on-screen Chemistry goes to Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant in Notting Hill. Seriously pathetic for two people who usually rock the RomCom drama like total Pros.

Some of the lines I use from Just Married aren’t even Brittany Murphy lines, they’re Ashton Kutcher lines, but when I use them, I still have to say “RIP BMurph” because it’s just respectful. And I loooooove that her nick name is Pee Wee in that movie. I want my nick name to be PeeWee, but since there is nothing Pee Wee about me, that’s never going to happen. But one of my children will be nicknamed Pee Wee, I’ll tell you that much right now. I don't care if I have to marry a midget to make that dream become a reality.

Some fan favorites:

“Cheese and rice” – Because sometimes saying Jesus Christ just isn’t appropriate.

“Breathe through your mouth. Just do it. Just do it.” – Because sometimes you have to breathe through your mouth to have sex in a smelly airplane bathroom.

“BEAT IT STEW.” – referring to a flight attendant as stew while you’re having sex in an airplane bathroom is top notch.

“Bonjour! Merci!” – Because common words in languages that aren’t English are funny.

“Assbag” – That one’s Ashton, but it’s great.

“Those birds are psychotic” – Also Ashton. And I use it all the time because birds are psychotic and I hate them.

Then you have some classics like Girl Interrupted:

"Everyone likes to be alone when it comes out, I like to be alone when it goes in, to me the cafeteria is like being with 20 girls all at once taking a dump."

Uptown Girls:

"This sounds like the soundtrack to something you'd slit your wrists to"

"Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, sheets of Egyptian cot-ton." - She doesn't sing it, but it's an amazing song.

Don't Say A Word:

"I'lll never tellllll" - creepy/amazing/memorable.

8 Mile:

"So, I hear you're a real dope rapper."

While looking for stuff about BMurph on YouTube there are approx 100 video montages of her set to the song Breathe Me by Sia (which gained fame from being the closing song in the series final of Six Feet Under... Don't even get me started on that amazingness). And they're actually pretty good/touching. I also found this interview on David Letterman with her that I enjoyed:

Her laugh is the most endearing and genuine thing I’ve ever heard and it brings a tear to my eye. So genuine. I love her. RIP BMURPH.

Rest In Peace

2010-04-15T17:03:00.010-04:00

Ok, so I have this thing where I hate when people get upset about celebrity deaths. You didn’t know the person, you weren’t even that big of a fan (although you pretend now like you were), and there are conceivably thousands of people that this death actually affects way more than you. So stop crying about Heath Ledger and get the fuck over it.

But finally, one has come that has changed my life. Has really shaken me to my very core. And I know you’re going to laugh, and I know if I were in your position, I might hate me for saying this… But… The celebrity death that has affected me most, in my lifetime, is the death of Brittany Murphy.

Brittany Murphy!? Seriously? There are earth quakes in China and Volcanic eruptions in Iceland and this is what you're writing about? That coke head? Yes. That crack head had so many good movies (exaggeration) and so many good lines in those movies (understatement), that I do some sort of shout out to her almost every day. Yes, I know the Michael Jackson fans might feel a similar way, but he touched little boys’ peepee’s, so get over it. You should have been mourning his disappearance from legitimacy long before his death.

The Brittany-Murphy-timeless-classic of a line that just inspired me / reminded me to FINALLY write this well-overdue post was from the following BBM convo:

J: But don’t you guys sporadically see one another?
Me: No.
J: And does the word sporadically owe all its purpose to Alicia Silverstone?
Me: Uh yeah and Brittany Murphy God rest her soul
J: I was JUST about to drop an RIP
J: U wiley hoe
Me: I RIP BMurph almost everyday
Me: This just inspired me to start a blog entry abt that that I’ve been meaning to write for months.
J: That’s wat I’m here for.

Indeed he is. And so it has begun. I’m not going to pretend like BMurph had some kind of illustrious and/or versatile actress. But I liked what she was in. And she always made me smile. Obviously, many of the often-used Brittany Murphy lines come from Clueless.

But it would be socially irresponsible of me to not go through the major Clueless gems, and I'm going to start off with my personal favorite...

Anytime anyone says Rollin with the Homies you HAVE to throw out an “RIP Brittany Murphy”. This happens a minimum of once every other week.

A few more Brittany Murphy classics from Clueless:

“You’re a virgin who can’t drive” – my friends said this to me every day of high school. I was, in fact, a virgin, but I was definitely the best driver out of all of them, so to that part, I took offense. They might have kept saying it to me when we were in college… And I might have still been a virgin. But still, an excellent driver.

“I’m outie” – Everyone says that in Clueless but I envision Tai saying it when I say it.

“And my buns: they don't feel nothin' like steel.” – hilar.

"I hope not sporadically!" – as referenced above

"You know, I don't care either way — just as long as his you-know-what isn't crooked.” – True that, Tai. True. That.

And also, out of respect, I throw out a “RIP Brittany Murphy” any time any Clueless quote is used, and let’s be real, that’s at least once a week if not more. PAR example, one of my favorites that reminds me of Brittany is that I use often is, "Cher, I have the picture you took in my locker," said by my numba one stunna Jeremy Sisto aka EL-ENNNNN. The picture he is referring to (for those who are clueless when it comes to Clueless) is of Brittany Murphy aka Tai with a flower in her hair. DUH!

Although those are the best of the best, the cream of the crop, there are more Brittany Murphy lines and shout-out worthy films. And in the interest of not boring you, I will put the rest of them up next week. And trust me, there are some great ones. So tune in ;)

And in other celebrity/BMurph/Clueless news I saw Mr. Hall from Clueless at dinner on Tuesday night. You're so jealous that I saw that sexy beast in person.

If any of us get laid tonight, it's because of Eric Bana in Munich.

2010-03-29T14:02:00.005-04:00

Sometimes I have so much pride in my e-mails to my friends that I like to post them on my blog. This is one of those times. Happy Passover to all the Jews out there. I celebrated today by eating a bagel with lox for lunch. Yes, I know bagels are not Kosher for Passover, but it's not Passover until sundown, and also, I don't keep Kosher for Passover. And I basically only invited non-Jews to my Seder, which is less of a Seder and more of just... Dinner.

Subject: Ma nishtana ha-laila ha-zeh

For all you Goy on this email (that means non-Jew) I would like to formally invite you to a little Passover gathering at apt 818 next Wednesday, the 31st, for the THIRD night of Passover (not traditionally celebrated, but i'm a non-conformist). We will be doing little to zero religious observance and will be eating a lot to inappropriate amounts of food. I will be making my slow cooked BBQ briskit, that is sure to be life changing (no comments from you, dickie) along with many other delectable treats.

The meal will NOT be Kosher for Passover as I find religion in general to be repugnant and prefer to snub all traditions big and small unless they involve eating and drinking. Also because brickle tastes much better with saltines than the Passover abridged version made with Matzoah. OK, and I like singing too (hence the subject of this e-mail, which only the Jews understand). BYOH/Y (h=haggadah, y = yarmulke).

Anyhoo, call time is 7:30pm. Be there or be anti-semetic. But seriously, if you don't come, your first born will die and frogs will fall from the sky. So you betta watch your back. Please bring some sort of alcoholic beverage to consume. Seltzer will be provided (as always).

The chosen person has spoken,

Bloomar Shoshana (yes, that's my Hebrew name and yes it means blooming rose... "Brady" doesn't exactly translate.)

P.S. you weren't chosen for a reason.

Feeding people makes me happy. A Happy Pesach to all and to all a good night!

Excuse me sir, your balls are showing. Bumble bee tuna.

2010-03-23T11:16:00.007-04:00

I’m going to tell you something that is very hypocritical about myself…

I’m very often the loudest person in a room. Especially if I’ve been drinking. Getting a “Shhh” from someone, is not out of the ordinary and neither is people cowering in corners and scrambling for the nearest set of noise-canceling headphones. But I do this in confined spaces with people I know well. I have a little crew that has monthly dinner parties and after each and every one of them I think “Why was I yelling the whole night? I have got to control myself”. But I never do.

Anyway, the reason this is strange for me is because, in public, if someone I’m with is loud or causes a scene I get extremely embarrassed and usually tell them to shut the fuck up and get super annoyed with them. At Madonna Yoga on Friday night (It was a night of normal yoga but instead of the soothing sounds of Enya it was all Madonna songs… It was… AWESOME). Two of my friends were talking to each other, before class started, at normal volume.

I know this is weird for someone who typically talks at ear piercing decibels, but when I’m in public, if someone I know is talking loud I alert them to this almost immediately (or get really awkward and whisper in response to them while my eyes dart around the room to see who's staring at us until they catch on). There are certain social norms I am annoyingly adamant about upholding. And one of them is loudness when sober in public arenas.

I leaned over to my friends at yoga and said “You are talking way too loudly for a yoga studio”. Usually I would have been ignored but luckily my roommate was there too and agreed with me. So they quieted down and I was happy. The rules of whispered speaking also apply for trains and nail salons. Those are two places that, if I pick up my phone, I will whisper and get off the phone ASAP instead of chit chatting like a total inconsiderate jack ass. NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Ok, so the point of that really long intro was to explain what happened to me last night. This is something that if I was sober and if it was one of my really good friends doing the "inappropriate act", I would have been seriously pissed and embarrassed. But because I was drunk I was hysterically laughing about this for a good half an hour straight, all the way from the comedy club, to the pizza place, to my bed.

Last night I went to a taping of Last Comic Standing with my friend Liz and three of her friends. We went because her boyfriend works in production for the show and is here from LA to shoot a 2-night showcase, technically the “quarter finals” of the competition at Gotham Comedy Club.

Don’t ask me how I don’t have a job in TV or Comedy with SWEET ASS connections like this. Whatever. I’m over it (I’m not). I also felt like a total bad ass because I had seen 4 of the 33 comics that performed before from my dabbling in the New York stand-up scene. So I kind of felt like I owned the place. No big deal.

Anyway, the staff and crew were really into telling us that we weren’t allowed to look at our cell phones the entire time and that we had to put them on silent and not even vibrate and they weren’t allowed to be on the table. I was fine with that. A break from looking at my Blackberry is really refreshing, and it usually only ever happens if I’m being forced for some reason.

So the show was nearing an end. We’d sat through 33 comics each doing 3 minute sets. We had been through 3 bottles of pinot grigio (and I had been through 2 glasses of ice, cause I take my white wine on the rocks, thank you very much). We had kind of weathered a storm together and it was finally starting to wind down. But what I did not see was that Liz was texting her boyfriend from inside her purse. I’m usually pretty good at noticing when people are looking at or checking their phones. And I really didn’t see her doing it at all.

Which is why I was totally confused when a man in a suit and tie who obviously worked for the comedy club came over to her and whispered something in her ear. I had no idea what he said. When he walked away we asked her what happened and she was like “That dick just told me if I didn’t stop texting he was going to throw me out”. And I was like, Whaaaaaaaaaat!? How am I totally oblivious to this going on!?

The thing is, if you're asking someone to stop something for the first time, just be nice about it and threaten them the second time. Also, it was ridiculous because the girl at the table next to us had her cell phone ring twice throughout the night. So whatever.

So a few minutes later I was leaning across the table asking her what exactly she was doing and she demonstrated the inside-the-purse text, a move I had also done a couple times that night and probably millions of times in my life.

But what we did not bank on was the same man, from across the room, spotting her doing it and yelling at her “WHAT DID I TELL YOU!?” and then Liz screaming back “THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS. I WASN’T EVEN DOING ANYTHING” and pulling a ziplock baggie of advil out of her bag immediately to demonstrate that she did not have her phone in her hand (which I’m pretty sure she did).

What happened next is kind of blurry because I was drunk, confused and laughing hysterically. But it was pretty much Liz yelling, “YOU KNOW WHAT? I’M OUT OF HERE. FUCK THIS. THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS.” And as she angrily grabbed her jacket off the back of her chair it slammed to the ground and she stormed out.

It. Was. Incredible. After my laughing subsided I realized how annoyed I would be if this was going on and I was sober. I would have been hideously embarrassed. My face would turn bright red and I’d probably scold my friend afterward. But this was just so great. I think I thanked her 20 times for making my night. So that… that was my manic Monday. Two thumbs up.

Other things I learned last night: Natasha Leggero doesn't eat food and is possibly 5 feet tall (but I still love her) and Greg Giraldo is really really attractive.

Can you hear me now? GOOD.

2010-03-16T12:56:00.006-04:00

Ok, so if you’re not into watching TV, stop reading now. I’m not interested in you and you’re not interested in me. So lets stop playing this game of cat and mouse and just get over each other. Ok??? Ok.

This post is not about TV programming content, it’s about… wait for it… WAIT FOR IT…. Cable TV providers. WHAAAAAAT. Yeah, I done did it now. Everyone in NYC has some sort of horror story involving Time Warner Cable. It’s inevitable. Because Time Warner is the devil.

When I moved in August, I found out my new building was Verizon FiOS wired. We thought about making the switch but decided we would go with Time Warner because there was some $10 Time Warner bulk discount in our building (probably because of the FiOS presence, and/or the knowledge that all the Jews, seriously every door on my hall has a mezuzah, including mine, would definitely fall into this bargain trap… GUILTY!)

Then Time Warner totally fucked up our billing in the move and we just stopped paying them. We had to make a few "minimum" payments of varying amounts over the phone because they disconnected our service (true story) but they wouldn’t get the total of what we owed right. And getting on the phone is such a fucking pain. I think it got to the point where we’d rather just not have TV then talk to these assfucks on the phone.

Finally, one day while going over 6 months worth of Time Warner bills with the woman, we found that they had added a $300 charge between October and November for no reason at all. NOW do you get why we weren’t paying our bills? Don’t charge us late fees on money we don’t owe. Go fuck yourselves, Time Warner.

We had had enough. And we placed a call to Verizon FiOS to get the ball rolling. I’m not going to lie, it wasn’t the easiest thing in the world. Apparently my building doesn’t allow this sort of work to be done on the weekends, so I ended up having to take off a half day (that turned into a ¾ day) off in order to sit in my apartment while this really nice tall man installed our FiOS.

But he was really really nice and he spoke English with only the slightest of accents, so I was happy. And he looked Asian, so I was sure he knew what he was doing.

Now on to the meaty part of this post: The FiOS Review.

If you can get FiOS- fucking get that shit.

It freezes/skips a fraction of the frequency that Time Warner did. And when FiOS skips if you just push the magic button (to be explained in the next sentence) a few times, it will almost always fix itself.

The magic button… Oh the magic button.

Your goddamn right I made that.

When my roommate and I first discovered it on our Time Warner remote we just about died of happiness. I have ALWAYS been upset with the extreme inferiority of digital cable/DVR to Tivo. If you’ve ever had Tivo before, you know what I’m talking about. It is soooooo much better. And sooooo much more user friendly. When you Fast Forward on Tivo and then press play, it automatically jumps back 10 or 15 seconds because obviously when you’re Fast Forwarding at warp speeds you’re going to stop AFTER the place you actually want to stop. And Tivo remedies that for you.

Fucking digital cable, on the other hand, does not. So once you press play from your fast forward you are already 20 or so seconds into your show and then you have to slowly rewind to get back. But the magic button is a rewind jump back button (located above the rewind button) that you press once and it takes you back 10 or so seconds. Every time my roommate or I used the magic button we would comment on a. how amazing it was and b. how we wished there was a forward magic button.

Well low and behold, Verizon was listening. When we got our FiOS installed one of the first things I noticed was a jump forward button above the Fast Forward button. And not only that, you can adjust how much you jump forward or backward! I think the options are 30, 15 and 10. It was preset to 30, but that was way too much so I brought her down to 10.

Other cool FiOS features: When you “search” in the on demand section you can search for ANYTHING. And by that I mean if you start typing in an actor’s name, all movies that have that name in the description will pop up.

You can go on Twitter and Facebook on the TV, but I’ve yet to try that. My roommate’s boyfriend did it and tweeted the following tweets within 1 minute:

Tweeting from @spewnonsense new verizon FiOS setup. So sweet.

Tweeting from FiOS TV. Love it!

Getting my daily new fix.

Life is good.

Seinfeld – Best episode ever.

All I know is I wasn’t in town when this was happening and when I saw it on Twitter I nearly peed myself. What… a ridiculous human.

Also, to save our precious pennies in this recession we only got on DVR box (on Time Warner we had 3 – one for the living room and one for each of our bedrooms, duh). But Verizon has a thing where all the boxes are connected so we can both watch, in our bedrooms, anything that’s been recorded on the living room DVR. This system is not perfect and I’m not in love with it and I’m almost ready to make moves to change it. We record everything in HD which takes up more room, so the DVR really doesn’t hold a huge amount of stuff. Also, when you’re watching on a non-DVR box you don’t have the power to record and erase programs, which is annoying. So adding more than one DVR box to my set up is probably happening soonish.

All in all, I like FiOS. I'm less angry at my TV because of it. And I don't want to be angry at my TV, because I love my TV and everything it brings into my life. It's been there for me through thick and thin and I want to treat it with the love and respect it deserves.

My Boyfriends

2010-03-15T13:01:00.003-04:00

Take a gander at my lover's appearance on SNL this weekend. I obviously didn't see it until today, because SNL sucks camel dick and I've totally stopped watching. But I'm glad I got to see this little gem. I'll take any dose of Jerry I can get. He's a drug and I'm addicted.

But why on earth has Jerry never hosted SNL? I get the feeling that they've asked them and he's turned them down. But I'm intrigued. And in love. Happy Monday.

Oh and here's a video of my other boyfriend. Yes, I call both of these people "my boyfriend" even though they are both married. Whatever. Get over it.

Facial. Hair. Sexual.

Oh, and sorry if you can't view either of these now because you're at work and you can't. Stop working someplace that sucks, that's my forte. Big up to @tt126 for having nothing to better to do with her time than send me videos that I will enjoy.

When I shop, the world gets better, and the world is better, but then it's not, and I need to do it again.

2010-03-12T11:53:00.004-05:00

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Seamlessweb is just the best. I hate speaking my delivery order over the phone because no one can ever understand me, especially if I’m using a credit card to pay and especially if I’m ordering from Asians (which I usually am). That’s just like asking to be screaming numbers into the phone for 10+ minutes and saying things like “No, not D as in Dog, B as in Boy” for every letter of your name and address. It’s just… horrible.

So yesterday I was really craving a Subway sandwich. I’ve been craving Subway for like 2 weeks now and have somehow managed not to get it. Sometimes I like to play games like that with myself. There is literally a Subway in the building I live in, so it’s not an issue of laziness. I’m just sort of toying with my own emotions just for shits and gigs. It’s fun. Or is it sick? Who knows.

Anyway, I was dead set on Subway for lunch yesterday and then I started trolling Seamless just for fun. Ya know, see what was on discount. See if there’s anything special that catches my eye. And it was snowing out (ok, I wrote this 2 weeks ago, get over it) so I was like maybe I should just get delivery (It’s not delivery, it’s DiGiorno.) And then I saw that Tossed was 20% off. And in a fit of spontaneity I ordered a Caesar salad with BBQ chicken. It’s not until a few minutes later that I realized this what I usually get at Just Salad (the few times that I’ve had it) and that Tossed is not, in fact, Just Salad .

So I’m like whatever, I’m sure it will be fine. How bad can a well-known salad chain fuck up a salad????

Answer: BAD.

Allow me to describe my order in detail:

The romaine lettuce was basically all white. And don’t get me wrong, I like some crunch in my lettuce. I like a lot of crunch in my lettuce, which is why I eat exclusively romaine. But get some green in there. Mix it up. Gimme some color. Make me feel like I’m not eating paper or some sort of root.

This stuff was all white/light green and nasty and I was surprised that it wasn’t actually slimy. Then the chicken…. Oh my god. I’m gagging just thinking about it. It was rubbery and gray and I legit would not have fed it to a starving Katrina rescue dog that hadn’t eaten since 2005. This was like made from the hormone-fed chickens that they keep in tiny cages so they grow extra big and with like three legs and two heads and shit. It was gross.

And the dressing. Who fucks up Caesar dressing!?!? I didn’t even know this was possible! It actually tasted like straight anchovies. I know there’s usually anchovy in Caesar dressing. I don’t have a problem with that. But it’s not supposed to taste like you just took 5 of those suckers out of the can and blended them together with a dash of sour cream in order to make dressing. Like… EW!

So first things first. I IMMEDIATELY e-mail Seamless upon receipt of my order because I had “ordered” extra dressing for an extra $.50 and it was nowhere to be found. Now, before you make me wear a big yellow star on the outside of my jacket, lemme explain to you my deep history with predicaments such as this...

As you know from past posts, I am a self-professed sauce monster. When a restaurant makes me pay extra for extra sauce, sometimes I get a little pissy. But if they do it right and I feel like my $.50-$1.00 was worth it, then I’m a happy camper. Yoshi Sushi on Ave A and St. Marks is awesome at this. They charge you but you get like a Tupperware (semi-exaggeration) full of thick delicious Teriyaki sauce for $1.00 and it’s glorious.

But if you’re going to make me pay ANY amount for extra sauce and then deny me of that sauce after I’ve already paid for it, you’re going to hear from me. Domino's has a history of doing this online with Ranch dressing. It's their only flaw.

I didn’t know if Seamless would respond or not. And to be honest, if they didn’t respond I would have just forgotten about this whole nightmare of a meal ASAP. If fact, I was trying to block it out of my mind as I was picking around for the three or so acceptable pieces of lettuce. And then, as I was preparing to throw some sort of tweenish temper tantrum, I receive an e-mail from Seamless saying that it was no problem and they removed the $.50 for extra dressing.

Well, I responded with a thank you and then let loose. In my head I was like, “I really hope Seamless doesn’t have to take this $10 salad hit. This is all Tossed’s fault. Tossed should pay!” But I essentially described to them my salad as I did here and they refunded my entire order. This just made me fall more in love with Seamless than I already was. They’re just so great and understanding. The whole experience was such a mixture of success and failure, I’ll really never forget it.

So in conclusions I would advise you to order via Seamlessweb (as I have advised before and will for days and years to come) and I also say NEVER EVER EVER order a salad from Tossed. EVERRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

I be up in the gym just workin on my fitness

2010-03-10T15:54:00.006-05:00

I’m not that picky. I swear I’m not. I take the subway a minimum of twice a day and I’m totally fine with it. I’m the farthest thing from a germaphobe that exists (feel free to come check out my apartment for confirmation). And I really don’t have the highest standards (I can show you pictures of guys I’ve had sex with). But, last night, my standards were pushed to the limits.

Last night I went to New York Sports Club on 14th st. between 5th and 6th Aves. And let me just say... Like the holocaust, Never again.

I bought a 2 week trial membership on Groupon, a nifty little website that e-mails me with fun discounts everyday. The other ones I have purchased are: 3 concerts at Carnegie Hall (So what? I like classical music. Big whoop!), a discounted meal at Johnny Rockets (if you offer me discounted burgers and fries, why would I not buy it?), a discounted meal at Maoz (dank falafels that I’ve yet to try) and today, actually, I purchased a discounted golf lessons at Chelsea Piers.

The NYSC coupon was $29 for 2 weeks including 3 personal training sessions. And I decided to activate it last night. First of all, when you walk into a gym, obviously it’s going to have some sort of distinct smell or odor. This one smelled like poor people… Sweaty poor people. With little to no air circulation.

I walk to the front counter and present my Groupon (soooo punny!) and I am referred to a guy… let’s call him “Mike”… because his name is actually Mike. So first off, Mike slips me a horrible dead-fish handshake. You’re a man working at a gym, squeeze my hand a little, let me know you’re in control of the situation (you’re not).

We go into his office so he can sign me up for my two weeks and try to coax me into joining for more than that (thank GOD I was able to resist). Then his computer freaked out or something and I think he got nervous and told me to just go work out and he’d leave my pass at the front desk and I could pick it up when I left.

So I start to walk around to give myself the grand tour, because Mike had forgotten to do so because of his awkward PC freak out (he caught up to me after I had walked around and explained where everything was, thanks Mike.)

Ok, this is weird, but I’m kind of particular about treadmills. I don’t know what it is, and I’m fully aware it’s all in my head, but I always have a much better work out on a LifeStyle treadmill and basically refuse to run on anything else. Well, there were none of those to be found.

I get on a treadmill and try to start it. It won’t start. The read-out says something weird about restarting the machine. I immediately become embarrassed because I am well aware that the people working out on the surrounding machines have probably seen 5+ people make this mistake since they’ve been working out. A common fail in any gym scene. Whatever, I got over it. I start looking around for another treadmill or elliptical or even stair master… None. There is a three person line for the cardio section. And there are more than a few open machines, but they’re all broken.

I don’t think I’ve ever been to a gym that has multiple broken machines. I mean, one or two, fine, I’ll let it slide. But if 1 out of every 5 cardio machines is not working, figure your fucking shit out. This is so beyond ridiculous I can’t even handle it. And yes, I was there at 6:30pm so it was the highest trafficked time of the day, but I haven’t waited on line for a treadmill since 2003 when the University of Richmond thought it was a good idea to provide 5 treadmills for a student body of 3,000.

I decided to kill some time by doing weights. After 10 or so minutes of that awkwardness I found a machine and got to it. Then when I was stretching and doing abs at the end of my work out, a man sat down near me on the mats that smelled of dirty dirty foreigner poverty and I almost gagged into my towel (which had the consistency of sand paper).

All in all, for someone who is trying to get back into exercising on the reg after taking a couple years off, this was not the most encouraging experience. But I obviously lied when I said "Never again", because I'm going back and using the shit out of the two weeks that I paid for. But after my two weeks is up I am taking myself to any other gym in Manhattan, where the world makes sense.

Take My TV Recommendations. I'm a Professional TV Watcher.

2010-02-25T13:23:00.009-05:00

The Sarah Silverman Program is… different. It’s like a mix of sketch comedy and a sitcom. Sketch-style comedy without actual sketches... Each episode has one main storyline that it doesn’t really deviate from (like a sitcom) but all of the scenes in which the story is perpetuated are more sketch-like than sitcom-like. Shit tends to get really weird (or "conceptual", if you will). But as long as you're down for it, you're going to have a great time and laugh a lot.

Simply put, her show is kind of amazing. You have to get over the fact that nothing in the show would ever happen in real life. Like in last week’s episode (the only episode I've seen from this season) to pull a prank on a prankster, Sarah drops a can of paint (or pan of caint, as I said when describing it to a friend) attached to a string a la Home Alone. Instead of just knocking the person over it decapitates them.

The rest of the episode has Sarah suing Home Alone (represented in court as a VHS tape that says “Home Alone” in Sharpie-pen writing). She then wins her case and becomes in charge of all TV programming.

The Sarah Silverman Program

Thursday, 10:30pm / 9:30c

TV Show Rejects

www.comedycentral.com

Joke of the Day

Stand-Up Comedy

Free Online Games

Are these things that could ever happen in the real world? No. Never. Are these things that happen in Sarah Silverman’s mind? Yes. Are they awesome and hilarious? Yes yes and yes.

The show is actually in it’s third season. Which is kind of a big deal. I guess some exec at Comedy Central realizes how amazing it is. But I only know one other person in the world that actually watches it, which is pretty Lemony Snickets. I would like to add you to that list. Go watch. Now.

My advice for getting into the show is just realize how funny everything is. If you start thinking “This is stupid” you’re going to hate it immediately. Take it all with a grain of salt and you’ll be LOLing by yourself in no time. It’s insanely creative.

I was trying to find a full version of my favorite episode, which is about AIDS, in which Sarah says “When God gives you AIDS, make lemon-AIDS”. Priceless. My other favorite scene is from the pilot, is when Sarah gets drunk on cough syrup (“Maximum strength, night time use only. Like my body knows what time it is. Advertisers.”) and wakes up with her car parked in the middle of a children’s playground and a police officer at her window and then my fave line happens:

Officer Jay: M'am do you know why I'm standing here?
Sarah: You got all C's in high school?

So if you’re not easily offended and you like to laugh at ridiculous things, definitely check out The Sarah Silverman Program on Comedy Central tonight at 10:30, unless you’re out contracting AIDS somewhere. I’d say watching TV is a safer choice, especially with all this snow.

FYI it includes a gay couple that looks like This:

(yes, that’s the mail guy, Kevin, from Just Shoot Me on the right… If you’re losery enough to know that like me and/or follow him on Twitter like me... wattup @thebrianposehn)

And a cop that looks like this:

(Who seems to be always playing a cop… But could you find a more cop-ish looking cop? I think not. Perfection. That mustache is priceless.)

I'm a regular Benedict Arnold

2010-02-24T11:53:00.007-05:00

Get off my back, OK? I know it’s been more than a week since the last time I posted. You think I don’t know that? I know. But I posted every day for a (work) week and I burned out. But I’m back. And I have a secret to tell you.

Some of you in my inner circle may already know, but others may not. I took the plunge. I… Joined… Twitter.

In my defense, when I was hating on Twitter super hard, I did admit that I thought I’d join eventually. I think I finally decided to join because I’m a “writer” and all the other writers/comedy writers I saw on TV wouldn’t shut the fuck up about Twitter. So I threw caution to the wind and I hopped on that fucking bandwagon. And I haven’t looked back.

My thought process ended up being that it was professionally irresponsible for me not to get on Twitter. And that since I don't read the news or any blog other than my own, I should probably get on Twitter and follow the people who matter in this world, like all of the writers and comedians on Chelsea Lately. I already had to stop following Khloe Kardashian because her Tweets got so annoying I actually thought about buying a plane ticket to LA and stabbing her in her sleep. But instead I just stopped following her, so that was easy. It was kind of sad though because before she got SUPER annoying on Twitter I was convinced we would be BFFLs if we ever met.

I wasn’t all in all at once. While making my Twitter name I almost gave up because @SpewingNonsense was taken already. Goddamnit, I told my assistant to trademark that shit. When will that stupid bitch get something right. Oh wait, that’s me. Sometimes I think about how many times I would have fired myself if I was my own assistant. Anyway, the trouble wasn’t over yet. @BradySpewingNonsense was too long and who knows what else I was trying until I finally settled on @SpewNonsense.

So now you know. Follow me. Or don’t. I don’t care.

Recently I got a slew of my cronies to get on Twitter and one of them proceeded to blog about how and why I convinced him to join twitter!

I have recently joined Twitter. Brady did good work on me. I was dead-set against it. Absolutely was never going to be a part of that shit. But like a great judicial mind, she dissented. She planted the seed for this change months ago. Like Harlan, Stevens, Rehnquist, and Scalia before her, she firmly and publicly noted why she thought I was wrong and let it sit with me, marinating in the social forum for a relatively long period of time. Slowly but surely, the concept became acceptable in the social consciousness. She never pushed the idea. She let me figure it out for myself. I noted Adam Schefter and others could be spoon-feeding me quick sports news tidbits. I noted that all of my favorite sports bloggers post interesting and hilarious stuff on there all the time. My perception of it as a glorified Facebook status bar shifted. One of my good friends joined, and I was on within days. Tip of the hat to you, Brady, you cunning rapscallion.

If you think I don’t consider that celebrity status, think again.

But now that I’m on Twitter, I’ve got some complaints. Because there are some VERY easy things that can be fixed on Twitter that some programmer in India needs to get to work on ASAP. I’m kind of retarded when it comes to Twitter so there are probably things I don’t know how to do that are actually really easy to do. Like I just found out how to see when someone else "mentions" you last week. Seriously, I’m Twitter retarded.

My first complaint is the format of your followers list. Make that shit alphabetical, yo. I don’t want people listed in the order they started following me in or the order I started following them in. What am I doing wrong here? And what if I’m mid-tweet and I want to “mention” someone and I can’t find their name? I don't have everyone's fucking Twitter name memorized, that would be ridiculous. I need the Facebook feature where you start typing something in the search bar and names just start popping up. Sometimes this feature is enabled on my phone in my Ubertwitter app, but only sometimes. Stop fucking with my head, Twitter!

And if I want to retweet someone and put in my own commentary before? I have to copy and paste the tweet, close the large space between the person’s name and what they said, add an ampersand and put an RT in front of it? Come on. That’s obnoxious. I'm really important and don't have the time in my day to complete those 5-seconds worth of adjusting. A simple copy-paste should do exactly what I need it to. Is my issue that I’m on Twitter.com instead of Tweetdeck or Tweetie some other Twitter app with a name that's gayer than AIDS?

All suggestions and tutorials are welcome. I've decided against TweetDeck cause I don't want all my shit integrated or whatever. I'm sure I'm just a total moron and everything I complained about has an easy answer that I'm too dumb to figure out.

And now there's Google Buzz too? I just went into that for the first time today. Got lost, gave up. I'm sure I'll be back once people actually start doing shit on it. But from what I can tell it doesn't do anything super cool/new/different. I think one day my head is going to actually spontaneously combust from technology/information overload.

True Love. Just in time for Valentine's Day!

2010-02-12T13:15:00.010-05:00

OK, I know I've been writing about food a bit more than usual this week. But in order to complete my first full work-week of posting (wooooooo!!!!!!) I am going to have to throw some more food info your way. And you're going to like it! Ya hear me!?!?!?

I recently had the experience of meeting my gay soulmate. My gay husband is the one who introduced us and now it's a big gay love fest. I feel more and more like Grace Adler everyday and I'm really loving every minute of it. Just waiting for my hot Jewish doctor to ride in on a horse and save me (except I hate horses, but that was a Will & Grace reference, duh).

Anyway, my new gay soulmate and I realized we were meant to be when we discovered how much we both love sauces. My claim to fame is that in high school my friends would to call me "The Sauce Monster" when we went out for meals because I always order at least one (but usually more than one) order of "extra sauce on the side."

So gay soulmate and I started swapping food recommendations. And today, coincidentally, we both took each other's recommendations for lunch! Another sign that we are indeed, meant to be. My recommendation to him was to try the Asian Peanut dressing at Hale and Hearty (which was prompted because he said he loved all asian peanut sauces). It was a raging success. He loved it and he made everyone in his office try it and they all loved it too. My BFF Dickie also tried this last week for the first time and is obsessed. You should try it too because it's kind of unbelievable.

When he first started telling me about Energy Kitchen I remembered the one experience I had in the past. I ordered a chicken stir fry wrap. One of the listed ingredient was steamed vegetables. Good. I love vegetables. But when I got the wrap instead of steamed vegetables it was steamed baby carrots, which is really really weird and way too bulky for a wrap setting. It was extremely off putting.

Earlier this week he sent me his review of Energy Kitchen:

Date: 5 February 2010 AD
Location: New York, NY
Temperature: 34 °F
Restaurant: Energy Kitchen, 47th St
My order: Tex-Mex Bison Wrap
Laura got the BBQ chicken quesadilla which she said was delicious.

I forewent the sides to be healthy and to compensate for the overeating I will be doing later.

Pros:
-LOVE the prices - $5? Are you kidding me? I should have ordered 3!
-Very tasty, quality ingredients. I could tell I was eating healthy but it didn’t taste like I was eating cardboard
-Wrap held together very nicely - big pet peeve of mine is when you touch a wrap/burrito lightly with a feather and the entire thing falls apart - love that I could hold it in my hand and continue to take bites with only minor fallout…
-I only finished it about 15 mins ago but I'm feeling very full and it feels like the kind of 'full' that will last for a while…

Cons
-I'm contradicting the last pro and being nitpicky - the wrap was a bit on the small side, but enough to fill me up and CERTAINLY worth $5...I guess I'm just used to gorging myself at lunch and having anything in a wrap be oversized and gargantuan
-Ingredients were a bit unevenly distributed, so I would get a bite full of dry rice, or salsa-drenched beef - this problem is obv not unique to EK - most places don’t take the time to evenly distribute the ingredients in a wrap/burrito, which is another huge pet peeve of mine and also makes me appreciate when they DO do that so much more…but in this particular case it wasn't so bad to the point where it's like I was eating 3 different meals sharing the same wrap (I'm looking at you, Chipotle - as much as I love biting into an entire glob of plain sour cream…) - another benefit of the nicely held together wrap was that I could take big enough bites to counteract this Con
-Delivery time was 36 mins, which is a little on the high end as far as HK restaurants go

Overall - would definitely order again - keen to try all the other options, including breakfast!

Thank you for all of your input over the past few weeks leading up to this most pleasant dining experience. I couldn't have done it without you.

This e-mail/review serves as further proof that we are meant to be. Or that there is an intruder in my brain...

So today I got the BBQ Chicken Quesadilla. Wow. The BBQ sauce tastes like it came from California Pizza Kitchen. Which is two thumbs up right off the bat. And although my gay lover was able to hold back on sides because he was planning on over eating later, I was not able to hold back... So I got creamed spinach and vegetarian chili. Having had vegetarian chili from The Pump on Monday night and being fiercely disappointed, this was a nice surprise.

Here is a pic of my meal:

The TV-dinner set up definitely surprised me. But it kept everything in place for the not-so-close delivery travel (PS delivery took an hour, which I wasn't thrilled about, good thing I wasn't starving, or some very passive-aggressive calls would have been placed). Because of this lengthy journey the two sides were not hot. And because they were all grouped together on an elementary-school-cafeteria-style plate, I had to spoon out each side into a bowl and microwave it for 30 seconds. Which was annoying but not the end of the world. The creamed spinach needed salt, badly, so I fixed that. And I also obviously dipped the BBQ Chicken Quesadilla in Ranch dressing.

If I'm eating something that involves BBQ sauce you can bet your ass there is going to be Ranch dressing involved. It's just how the world is meant to be.

Yes. I did just make that in Photoshop. Be jealous of my tech-savvyness slash artistic abilities.

The one thing I was super impressed with was the quality of the chicken. I have, through osmosis, developed a fear of meat. My roommate is very skeptical of meat and now I am too. I never was before. It's weird. Anyway, you know when you get that bite of chicken that is weird and a little chewier and a little gamier than it should be? That's the kind of chicken we're scared of. It's... a debilitating fear. Keeps me up at night. You can typically find this chicken in Lean Cuisines or any frozen dish, or low quality restaurant. If you get the sliced chicken (not chicken breast) from Subway, you know what I'm talking about.

The thing that grinds my gears about Energy Kitchen is that it's not on Seamless. When a restaurant isn't on SeamlessWeb it is a huge deterrent for me. Seamless is just so easy and amazing and I'm incredibly loyal to it. Energy Kitchen has it's own online ordering system. Fine. I programmed in my info and now have it for the future (Lenny's also does this, btw).

Anyway, it was a lot of food and I felt good after I ate it. Very full but not an "I'm gunna vom" kinda full because although I was stuffing my face, it wasn't with gross unhealthy stuff. A nice change of pace.

The moral of the story is that I will indeed be trying Energy Kitchen again and do not doubt that I will thoroughly enjoy it.

HAPPY THREE-DAY WEEKEND AND VALENTINE'S DAY AND OPENING CEREMONIES TO ONE AND ALL!!!!!

More Ketchup!?!?!??!

2010-02-11T14:00:00.007-05:00

You thought I was going to talk about Ketchup for one day and just be done with it? Well ya wrong (said in the "ya burnt!" voice from Jenna in 30 Rock, doi). Also, insert me singing the First Wives Club song "You Don't Own Me" with the lyrics changed to "You Don't Know Me" (I know it's Leslie Gore, I'm not a heathen)... OR "You must not know 'bout me" from Irreplaceable by Beyonce. Did you not follow that mental spaz-out? Too bad! Stream of consciousness is fun!

I realized after my post last week that I was far from done with discussing ketchup and ketchup-related topics. And I wanted them to have their own separate post instead of just inserting them into the already posted post and having some people see them and some people not. Say post again. Post.

So Ketchup story number one comes from over seas. I was living in Foggy Londontown at the time (omg I am just soooooo international you guys). Lemme just tell you something about any country that is not the U.S.of A. They do not know their ass from their elbow as far as Ketchup is concerned. Not. One. Bit. They either give you a tomato paste that is like a distant relative of Ketchup or they charge you for Heinz. Well if the Heinz is available you bet your ass I will pay whatever they tell me to. And if it's not available (which it never is) I'll dump salt into the paste and pretend that that makes it taste better.

Anyhoo, it was my last day of interning at good old Nursing Times Magazine (Largest Nursing Magazine in the UK!!!!) and I was hungover as balls. Oh, actually it wasn't my last day. Because my last day was when the London tube bombings happened, making saying goodbye to everyone really awkward. And if you think I wasn't pissed that we didn't get to eat a cake in my honor, then I am going to start singing the songs from the first paragraph.

I was hungover and my Brit friends were like "lets get chicken and chips for lunch!" aka fried chicken and fries. And I was like YES, you read my mind. So we go and get our chicken and chips and the ketchup situation was not good. I don't remember what it was exactly, I just know I was like beyond myself. So I was like "Alright guys, I'll meet you back at the cafeteria, I have to go do something" and I go to the grocery store across the street and purchase myself a bottle of Heinz ketchup to eat with this one meal.

When I told my friend this when I got home from work that day she was mortified for me. I think because I had told her there was some guy I had a crush on who was with us too (whoops!). I can barely remember. Or maybe she was just mortified because I'm a total beast. A ketchup covered beast. But you can just call me Garfield (ps I'm convinced Bobby Moynihann somehow stole that line from me to use on SNL while acting as Snookie. I've been using the Garfield line for years, because I have read hair and I love sauces and lasagna. I've hung out with him before and I used to use that line all the time, so this being an actual case of plagiarism is totally possible.)

So that's the story of how I bought a bottle of ketchup to use with one meal of food. And the next thing isn't so much a story as a fast food recommendation/review. You may or may not know of a little place called McDonalds, which can be found under the golden arches worldwide (Prestige Worldwide?). Well Mcdonalds added something really crazy amazing to their menu a few months back and I really don't think it got the attention it deserved.

It's called the Mac Snack Wrap and it is what God would wrap in a flour tortilla if he could wrap anything in a flour tortilla (which he can, cause he's God). What is up with me and all God references lately? Being hungover really has forced me to ponder a higher power/my existence. Or maybe it's the rapidly approaching President's Day weekend. What? I don't know. I really don't.

Anyway a Mac Snack Wrap is a Big Mac in wrap form. I feel like I know too many people that have never had a Big Mac. This is just not OK. As far as burgers are concerned, the Big Mac is the tops. It's not gourmet, but is a burger supposed to be gourmet? No. A burger is something you can pick up and scarf down like an animal all in under 5 min. I'm not saying I won't eat a $20 burger if you bought it for me, I'm just saying a Big Mac is excellent and you're a fool if you disagree.

So in case you are a fool and don't know the ingredients of a Big Mac they are: 2 beef patties, lettuce, chopped onions, cheese, pickles, special sauce, enclosed in a sesame seed bun with another piece of bun between the two beef patties.

The Big Mac, according to online nutritional information and Subway napkins and paper cups, is about 540 calories. Is that a lot of calories? Yeah. Is it that many more calories than a normal burger? Eh. Not really. I mean, I'm not trying to say a Big Mac is good for you, because the nutritional value of those 540 calories is like zero. I think when you eat a Big Mac it actually goes straight to your ass. I mean, I'm not Doctor, but I hear things... But what if you could shrink that Big Mac down into a more calorie friendly wrap??? YOU CAN!!!!!!

The Mac Snack Wrap is a snack wrap with half of a beef patty, cheese, lettuce, pickles and onions. My friend tried one for the first time a few weekends ago (late night, duh) and exclaimed "I will never eat a Big Mac again!" The Mac Snack wrap is 330 Calories (just looked it up, no biggie).

The key to why the snack wrap is so good is ratio. Yes, I like the bun of a Big Mac too, but all that bread gets in the way of the sauce. McDonalds oddly packages this wrap better than most wraps I've eaten. In almost every single bite, you get every single element of the Big Mac. And that my friends, is the story of the Mac Snack Wrap. So this weekend, when you're out and drunk and looking for something to shove down your throat to fill the void (HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!!!), I urge you to try the Mac Snack wrap and let me know watcha think.

Let it snow.

2010-02-10T11:29:00.006-05:00

Ok. I know everyone's been talking about the weather for weeks now (well, if you know someone/anyone in DC you have) and I don't want to be cliche and obvious about this, but I feel like I would be socially remiss if I did not address the situation right now.

Snow. It happens. It's really not that new. It's been happening for as long as I've been alive and as long as you've been alive. And I get that when there's more than a foot of snow, unless you are in the deep north, it's not going to be handled well and people are going to freak out.

With that said, everyone needs to calm the F down. Snow isn't AIDS. It's not a mystery disease that no one knows the cure for. We don't need fundraisers to pay scientists and Doctors to solve our problem. There is a terribly easy solution to this - THE SNOW PLOW.

If you live below the Mason-Dixon line, it's possible you don't know what a snow plow is. I went to school in Richmond, Virginia and it snows maybe twice a winter there on average. But when it does, that half an inch of snow drives people absolutely insane. Cars run off the road as soon as the first flake touches the pavement, the power immediately goes off and school is cancelled. And how is the snow moved from the street? Oh, they put spinny brushes on golf carts and drive them around campus. Like... No. In Richmond's defense it did get pounded with more than a foot of snow twice so far this winter. So that's kind of intense.

How are you supposed to be taken seriously when you can't remedy such an easy thing? You get a snow plow and you plow the roads. This whole debacle has really forced me to take a closer look at our government and to be even more critical than usual. If you're not budgeting money to take care of something like this, than what the hell are you doing? If I knew more about this I would go way into it and take a deep, hard-hitting look at the government. But I swore that off circa 2004.

Now, I'm not a total asshole. I know that snow plows don't come cheap. And the ones we have in New York are bad ass. They're like really not messing around. But in DC and Richmond? All they need is an attachment for a pick up truck. And BAM! The roads are clear! It is seriously an embarrassment to our government and our country that the government closes down after a couple of inches. And yes I'm aware that the past few days was much more than a couple of inches, so they get a "pass".

So yes. Those are my feelings. And now New York is expecting over a foot of snow throughout the rest of today. But I take the subway to work and walk 2 blocks on either end, so this barely affects me. Yeah, I get a little snowy, but I survive... It's snow... And everyone got work cancelled or is leaving early. But not this girl. Proud to be sitting in an empty office with no calls or e-mails coming in (because no one else in the world is at work). Don't worry, I brought my Netflix in. So I should be fine.

Oh the things I’ve seen. The first Clinton administration. The Nagano Olympics. Microsoft Windows 95. But I’m 41 now. Time… to die.

2010-02-09T12:43:00.007-05:00

Ok, so I am obsessed (starring Beyonce and Ali Larter?) with the Olympics. I know people give the Winter Olympics shit for not being as good as the Summer Olympics, but you know what I have to say to that? Poo on you. I am so down with the Winter Olympics. I could watch almost any of the events all day long. My personal favorites are Alpine Skiing, which includes: Downhill, Super-Combi, Super-G and the Giant Slalom. But I also enjoy each and every skiing and snowboarding events, and also the Luge, Skeleton, Bobsled, Speed Skating and Figure Skating.

The obsession with the Olympics in general started as a child. And I have to say, one of my most proudest and exciting moments was learning to play the Olympic theme song on my recorder. And in 4th grade we got to perform it at the beginning of Field Day. It was... A magical and proud day in my life.

I really don't know what it is about Alpine Skiing, but I can watch it for hours upon hours. It's like relaxing and exciting at the same time. I am more pissed than ever that I am currently at a job where I don't have a TV on my desk (I know that sounds preposterous to most of you, but when you work in TV you often get a TV on your desk. Heaven).

I also have a borderline unhealthy obsession with Bode Miller. (I also think about Johnny Mosely almost everyday. The dinner roll was... a work of art. Poetry in motion, if you will). But I saw this special on Bode Miller once and it talked about how his resting heart rate, right before launching out of the gate downhill, is in the 180s, fueled entirely on adrenaline. Like, I don't know why I find that so sexual, but I do. Oh and he looks like this:

So that doesn't hurt. His facial hair is almost as perfect as Sam Worthington's in Avatar (calm down, I said almost). But yeah, when you're watching the Olympics for hours on end, you get fun facts like that, to post in your blog... And your dreams.

Anyway, to communicate to you all how much I loooooooove the Winter Olympics, I've decided to copy and paste the EVite I sent out to my friends this morning urging them to come watch with me (I typically cry at least once during the Opening Ceremony and it's usually when South Korea and North Korea enter the stadium holding hands. Tearing up right now, no biggie). A salute of the hand to you, NBC, for finally having content outside of Thursday nights that I will actually watch.

Now, please don't get too jealous that you weren't invited to this super high-society party. One day you might find your way into my inner circle, if you're lucky enough...

Without further ado, my Evite:

Hello friends and lovers. Well... Friends (womp womp)...

Just wanted to cordially invite you all to my apartment on Friday evening to view the opening ceremonies.

You may or may not know that I hate viewing sports on TV unless they are tennis or olympic related. So I would like to usher in, with all of you, the beginning of an absolutely amazing two weeks for me.

I know the opening ceremony itself will not be as good as Beijing, but I'll be making chicken pudding and other fun stuff, so you're all going to be just fine.

And as much as I love you all, I will not be providing alcohol. My hard earned dollars will be going towards food. So BYO B/W/L. I will also have some stuff that is green that you put into a glass contraption, light on fire, and inhale into your lungs. It's all very high tech.

HOPEFULLY MY FIOS APPOINTMENT ON THURSDAY MORNING GOES WELL SO THIS CAN ACTUALLY HAPPEN (in case you haven't heard, we lost cable again for not paying bills. whoops. FUCK you time warner. don't care).

I also reserve the right to yell at you to be quiet if i'm particularly taken in the moment. I also will have a reserved seat so that I can see the TV at all times. For more information please see http://www.nbcolympics.com/news-features/news/newsid=346602.html

LandL,

Brady

It also included this picture:

HAPPY WINTER OLYMPICS TO ONE AND ALL!!!!!!!!!

Foos-ball? Buncha overgrown monsters man-handlin' each other.

2010-02-05T14:02:00.006-05:00

I actually composed this (and I use the word "composed" loosely since I copied and pasted a link and then wrote two sentences) on Friday and I was like "Oh, I'll just log in on Sunday and press 'Post'!" Well, my laziness took a new turn and although my computer was in the living room on the couch with me for most of the day Sunday and I did turn it on twice or thrice (to order food) I just couldn't get it together enough to log into blogger and press one button.

I hope you all had a great Superbowl. I didn't turn to it once. Literally not once. I had to ask someone who won at like 11pm cause I realized I never found out (Congrats to Kim and Reggie! Like sooooo excited for you guys!).

As a vehement objector to all sports that aren't tennis or Olympic related, my roommate and a friend and I watched absolute nonsense all night (including the movie "The Invention of Lying"... not good) and by all night I mean for a few hours, because both of them were in bed by 10.

So with that, I give you my salute to the Superbowl (aka the video and two sentences below):

Perhaps one of the awesomest most coolest videos anyone has ever sent me. Touche, Alan Whickers, to you and your silly pseudonyms (and sorry for ditching out on the Superbowl party. As you can read, I obviously had some really important stuff to take care of).

Post Script (written on 2/8/10): When I first saw the concept of this video I was like "Please, God, let there be a Wes Anderson part". And lo and behold there was. And it was good. And by good I mean incredibly amazing. Yes I realize that's the second time I've used that reference in the past two posts. Apparently I am really into mocking the creation story these days. I really don't know why. It's just what comes to me. I don't question the creative process. And neither should you.

Happy Superbowl Monday. Peyton Manning- if you need a shoulder to cry on, I'm available.

It's All Happening!!!!!

2010-02-05T11:37:00.004-05:00

Ok, that's one of my favorite quotes to use for just about anything in life (the title right up there). If you don't know that it's a line from Almost Famous, I don't like you anymore. Because that movie is magic for my senses. Cameron Crowe movies really just do something to my heart and soul. I don't watch them. I feel them.

I used that line a lot when one of my good friends was finally making the move from Miami to New York. And it all happened. And it was amazing.

But why am I using it now? WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW!?!?!?, you ask. Weeellllllll, something really big in the world of Ketchup happened yesterday and I think this is going to be a SERIOUSLY big-time game changer...

I mean, I don't want to say like I feel like God has finally answered all of my prayers, because he hasn't answered nearly all of them and I also don't believe in God. But if I did, I would think that in this instance he was finally taking a keen interest in what was missing in my life and trying to fill that void. And so he brought to this earth, the new style of ketchup packet that I have been begging for for years, and it was good.

This has really brightened my day. My day didn't start out so hot. I woke up at 8:15 when I usually wake up at 8:40. My body woke itself up because it was so hungover and wanted me to lay in bed in pain until 9am, which is what I did. Then after I got ready and left for work, as I walked the 2 blocks to the subway I literally gagged and came really amazingly close to straight up vomiting on the sidewalk.

I actually had to stop in myself in my tracks and do some serious deep breathing exercises (which I'm used to because I'm often violently nauseous and I hate throwing up more than anything so I will do anything in my power to stop it from happening).

On top of all that the book keeper in my office decided that he needs to come in on Fridays this month. Let me tell you something about Fridays in my office. They're magical. My boss doesn't work and I'm left alone in the office unsupervised and I gchat and watch hulu and sometimes nap. It's really just an amazing perk of my job. Don't get me wrong, if there's stuff to be done I do it. But if there's not, I'm not going to like get a jump on random stuff on a Friday, that's just not how I do things. Whatever.

So I'm no longer alone on Fridays starting today and continuing through the rest of the month. He doesn't stay the whole day, but he comes in for like the first half of the day. And this horrible man sits in here with me and talks to me about things I don't care about and I blatantly ignore him, whatever dude, you're ruining my Friday.

But then I got an e-mail from my friend with this link in it. And Friday really started looking up. I'm still hungover but since I've decided to abstain from food so far today, the hangover is kind of dying inside of me. Although I did just order Chopt and was beyond ecstatic to find out that if you order before noon everything is a dollar cheaper AND they give you an extra topping for free. Like, what!?!??! I cannot and will not resist that bargain.

But back to the ketchup... I think since as early as when I spoke my first words I have been complaining about the Ketchup packet situation. I just don't understand why you can get honey mustard or BBQ sauce in a nice quaint little dipping tub and for ketchup you have to squeeze minuscule amounts out of packets like a heathen. If you think I can't or won't squeeze a full packet of ketchup onto like three fries, then you can think again. Because that is how I roll.

I am just beyond excited for these things to actually hit stores. I mean I don't get fast food that often (well I've gotten it a gross amount in 2010 so far including Wendy's twice in one day on New Years day and McDonalds twice in one day two weekends ago, but lay off, I need something to make my mouth happy while my hangovers are wreaking havoc on my body.) but when I do, if I can use a nice ketchup dipping tub instead of a ketchup packet I will be one happy girl.

And with that, I bid you a happy Friday and an even more happy weekend to come.

GTL? Get a life.

2010-02-04T12:14:00.009-05:00

It’s me. The one person in the world who doesn’t like Jersey Shore. I know... You thought I didn't exist. But I do. And it’s not that I just don’t like Jersey Shore. It’s that I hate Jersey Shore with a passion (something I'm about to expound on) and think that I’m way better than you for not falling into the trap that is the Jersey Shore phenomenon. And before you yell at me for not watching, I did watch an episode and I maintain my position.

While you’re watching Jersey Shore on Thursday nights I’m out doing really cool fun things… Like crying in bed alone or something. Just kidding, on Thursday nights I obviously watch 30 Rock, Parks & Recreation and Community (and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and The League, when they're in season)... Whilst crying in bed alone.

One of my main issues with Jersey Shore is that it’s just too easy to make fun of. Stuff like that isn’t worth my time. I don’t have room in my life for trash. I was obsessed with Rikki Lake in like 5th grade for about 10 minutes and I think after that I managed to never find trashy people amusing again.

I know I sound really snobby saying that, but I don’t care. It’s the truth. Trashy people and red necks are the only breed of human that I’m actually racist against. I cannot find any redeeming quality. Which is why I think I never really got into Talladega Nights. I just can’t find that humor entertaining. I'd rather pretend like they don't exist than make fun of them.

And I know I sound like I have a smoking lump of coal in my chest instead of a heart right now. And I swear I don't. I watch some pretty crappy TV and have fun with it. And by fun I mean I cried every episode of Girls Next Door with Holly, Bridget and Kendra (If you watch the new ones with the new case then you are a cheater). I can't really explain why I cried every episode, I just did. There is something about that show I find extremely heartwarming. Like, sometimes taking your clothes off for the world to see really can be a good thing. It's just an interesting way to accomplish the American Dream, that's all.

Like these people are famous for being ugly, orange and annoying? I really don’t get it. Yeah, get mad at Paris Hilton for being famous for no reason, but getting punched in the face on TV makes you a fucking superstar? No. This is all just too ridiculous.

These people are now making a legitimate living off of the not-real life they lead. And I mean, it’s definitely cool in a way, that they make a boatload of money for just living their lives, which, if they weren't being filmed, would be even more (or maybe less?) of an embarrassment to humanity. The fact that Snookie is going to make more money than you and I combined next year is just embarrassing for society.

In my mind this is the downfall of mankind as we know it. If this is considered entertainment I don’t even want to know what is going to come next. I’m not saying this isn’t the only show on TV that is embarrassing and disturbing. Teen Mom is equally as bad. I watch that show for 2 minutes and am seriously disturbed.

I mean I know that there are teen moms out there. That’s not the really disturbing part. It’s the giving these people the attention they’re dying for that bothers me. It’s all they want. And you’re giving it to them. Same with Intervention. I don't want to watch someone who has a Meth addiction steal from their family to buy drugs. The money spent producing this show could be better used to send these sad souls to rehab. And I know that's not how the world works, but that's how my mind works.

Whatever, it’s a fad. And like all fads I’m sure this one will die out soon enough. Jersey Shore: Miami? That doesn't even make sense. How many times can you watch an orange skin on orange skin make-out session? How many times can you watch Guidos get into bar fights? Go to Sutton Place any night of the week and you can see that live and in person, for free! Avoiding people like that is why we don’t go to bridge & tunnel bars. But now you’re letting them into your home!? Make up your minds people.

AND FURTHERMORE!!!!!!- most of the cast members aren’t even from Jersey! Like… what!?!?!?!? They’re all from like Long Island or Upstate NY… Pauly D is from Rhode Island. So now they’re posers too. And still more famous than any of them could have ever dreamed. I blame you. All of you.

And so I bring you...

Things I would rather watch than Snookie (and the rest of the Jersey Shore cast):

- A clump of hair in the shower drain

- Teen Mom

- Real World (which is just Jersey Shore relocated with non-orange people)

- Road Rules (if it still existed)

- Bad music videos

- Any USA original series (that includes both Psych and Monk, which I detest without ever having watched)

- Water boil

- Jersey Shore parodies. Including but not limited to Michael Cera and Bobby Moynihan on SNL

- Lost (just kidding)

- Myself in the mirror (but I’d rather watch that than most things…)

- Any of the “_____ of Love” or “For the Love of _______” shows on VH1

- The new Project Runway (moving to LA was a poor choice)

- The Twitter feed on my phone refresh

- Paint dry

Things I’d rather do than watch Jersey Shore:

-Clean my apartment (one of my most hated tasks…)

- Paint my nails

- Paint your nails

- Organize my top dresser drawer that’s full of random receipts from the past 3 years (mostly from Jcrew.com)

- Cook a meal for 10+ people

- Return the two giant suitcases I borrowed to move in August (whoops) from my friend who lives in Midtown East (2nd most annoying place to get to after the Upper West Side).

- Clean off my desk (which has random shit I can’t find space anywhere else for)

- Make my bed (it only takes a couple minutes, but I don't enjoy it)

- Floss (I think I floss more than most people, but still, it’s an annoying chore)

- Listen to Pandora repeat the same 10 songs over and over again

- Get a Pap Smear (hey, it's human contact)

- Go to work

In case you haven't seen this yet...

2010-01-21T11:15:00.002-05:00

I know, it's kind of old news. But Andy Roddick tweeted it last night so I thought I'd share it with you people... Always good for a laugh or a smile :)

About Last Night...

2010-01-19T12:53:00.000-05:00

Enjoy

The way I feel about the Rolling Stones is the way my kids are going to feel about Nine Inch Nails, so I really shouldn't torment my Mom anymore, huh?

2010-01-19T11:35:00.006-05:00

One of my friends has been mentioning that I should change the name of my blog to “I hate things” after I verbally abused almost everyone who walked the red carpet at the Golden Globes (I'm sorry, I wasn't aware ugly dresses were "in" this year). Well, today I am not going to talk about hate, but instead, a deep and intense true love: Music.

There is nothing quite like an absolutely awesome concert. I’ve been to a few. Ok, more than a few (I mean, I see Jay-Z twice a year at this point, so yeah, I know what’s up). But last night really took me by surprise.

Last week I went to a Passion Pit concert at Terminal 5. It was great. The band performed basically everything from their EP and their full album, all great songs. They sounded almost exactly the same live as they do on my ipod, so that was awesome. It’s always fun to be at a concert where you know almost all of the songs. It's like confirmation that choosing to go to this concert was the right life decision, even if most of your fellow audience members are still in high school. Whatevs.

You probably know Passion Pit for their song Sleepyhead, which is in the Palm Pixie commercial. Sleepyhead was the last song of the encore and they really rocked the shit out of it. I left the Passion Pit concert discussing with my friend how we really felt the music in our soul (not in a cheesy way but in a stoned way).

. I’ve liked Vampire Weekend since the first time a friend made me youtube the song Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa. I was instantly intrigued. I got the whole album and listened to it a good amount. My relationship with their album is: I know the chorus to every song on the album, but not every word to every song. So I’m definitely familiar, but not too obsessed.

Or shall I say, wasn’t too obsessed, because I think I am now… Last night was… magical. One of my friends said, “Last night touched on… sublime”. It really was. For a band to sound better live than on their album, is really a feat.

I couldn’t not move (intended double negative) to the music. Every chord was perfect. Every sound they made was exactly as it should have been. At the end, people were screaming for the song Walcott and I was like yeah I mean, I guess I wanna hear Walcott even though I can't really think of how it goes right now. Well, they closed with Walcott and it was mind blowing... And now when someone says "Walcott" I know exactly what song they're talking about: DON'T YOU WANNA GET OUTTA CAPE COD? OUTTA CAPE COD TONIIIIIGGHHHTTTT.

The concert was at Webster Hall, which is a really great venue. It’s similar in shape to Terminal 5 but about half the size. I love a venue that’s small enough that you have a good view of the band from anywhere you stand (unless you’re short or standing behind extraordinarily tall people… aka the people standing behind my crew, sorry we’re not sorry). But also, I felt that the crew at this concert was more in my age group. Which was nice. I didn't mind being in a group composed of the oldest and tallest people at the Passion Pit concert, I'm not that insecure. But Vampire Weekend felt more like home.

Vampire Weekend’s new CD, Contra, was released last week. I downloaded all the songs, gave them a listen. Liked but didn’t love. I have issues trying new things, as one friend once eloquently described, "Change make my balls shrink." Poetry. For me, I can't quite wrap my mind around them right away. All I could think about was how much better the first album was. But after hearing it live, I am now obsessed with it and currently playing the entire album on repeat as I write this through their website VampireWeekend.com.

Vampire Weekend’s whole vibe is just really happy. They don’t write cheesy love ballads, they write music you want to bounce up and down to or at the very least nod your head to. It makes me smile. They're just so cool. I mean, look at those album covers. I obv like Vampire Weekend better than Contra (Chandelier like what). But like, I don't know, they just seem so bad ass in their simplicity.

My personal cosmic connection with Vampire Weekend was driving to see the movie Stepbrothers with my brother and two of my friends. Vampire Weekend was a relatively new band and one of my friends and I put on A-punk for the car ride to the movie theater. My brother and other friend weren’t that into the song. We get to the movie theater, Stepbrothers starts, and A-punk blasts during the opening credits. That's when I knew. Meant. To. Be.

The thing that really made this concert for me, other than how amazing all of the music sounded, was how the band acted. These guys just looked so happy and excited to be performing that it was heartwarming. Seeing people look happy makes me happy. And seeing an extremely good-looking drummer rock the fuck out, well yeah, that makes me happy too.

They also, at one point when the crowd was cheering for more, commented on how excited they were to have a second album out if only so that they could play more songs for us. Adorable. And went on to say they were playing pretty much everything they knew. Almost every song from both albums.

After watching Aziz Ansari’s Comedy Central special this weekend (I suggest you do the same), I learned that “celebs” do in fact Google themselves to see what people are thinking of them. So, a brief message to Vampire Weekend jersey-wearing-stubble-sporting-hockey/southern-hair sexual drummer Chris Tomson- I love you.

A few of my Vampire Weekend favorites from the debut album:

And from the new album:

The album is pretty new so I can only really find live versions of most of the songs, which don't sound great online. But I highly recommend listening to the whole album on their website. Are they paying me for this shameless promotion to potentially 5s of 10s of readers!?!?!???

The Butterfly Effect

2010-01-11T19:43:00.017-05:00

What is The Butterfly Effect? Well, from what I know from the trailer of the Ashton Kutcher movie with the same title, it is when a butterfly flaps its wings and causes a Tsunami across the globe. Yes? No? Don't care. It loosely reminded me of what I'm about to write about so I made it the title. Deal with it. But here is the Wikipedia definition, because I'm really just here to educate you, "The butterfly effect is a metaphor that encapsulates the concept of sensitive dependence on initial conditions in chaos theory; namely that small differences in the initial condition of a dynamical system may produce large variations in the long term behavior of the system."

And now, on to my story:

Once upon a weekend, I was watching Mean Girls on TV during one of the top 10 worst hangovers of my life (I got home at 4am, ate a cheesy gordita crunch and woke up promptly at 9am to vomit it into my bedside garbage can. I was really nervous that I’d never be able to eat a cheesy gordita crunch again after feeling the ground beef and special sauce on the way up, but don’t worry, I had another one later that day, crisis averted.) and good old Amanda Seyfried was on the screen. My friend said, “I’m so excited for Big Love to come back.” And I was like, “Why is Amanda Seyfried even on Big Love still?” Literally, the next day? News: Amanda Seyfried leaving Big Love.

Ok, so other than the fact that I’m obviously a psychic entertainment mastermind, this really got me thinking. Thinking about like the John Lennon (Butterfly) Effect for actors. Actors who decide to leave a show so they can take off on their own and leave everyone else in the dust. And also ruin my life. I really don’t know if anyone’s been as successful at that move than Justin Timberlake, because he kinda took the world by storm. But in TV, when a main character leaves the show, it’s sad (ok, traumatizing... but maybe just for me) and it’s never the same again. EVER!

For Amanda Seyfried, This is definitely the right move. She’s on the way up and is getting cast in movie after movie (if you think I’m not seeing Dear John in theaters you’re a fool). Being on a TV show is just holding her back. I assume she doesn’t have a huge role on Big Love, but I’ve never watched the show. But I’m sure losing her isn’t going to be detrimental for the show. Bill Paxton is hot (true or false: I have had a sex dream about him), Ginnifer Goodwin is skinny now (that's how you spell Jennifer? I mean, honestly), Chloe Lesbo Sevigny is weird, Jeanne Triplehorn is a bad ass, they’ll be fine.

But lets talk about some people of the past who pulled this move and, in effect, ruined my life. Number one: Topher Grace and Ashton Kutcher. That '70s Show, a masterpiece in television, basically died when Topher exited at the end of the 7th season. The 8th season soon became the final season. Oh really Topher Grace? You had to leave so you could go make a cinematic masterpiece that was In Good Company? Please. Fuck you, ScarJo. Actually, when you check out Topher's filmography he's done almost nothing since leaving the show. Thanks, Topher. Thanks for NOTHING!

I was somehow lucky enough to catch the series finale for the first time around 1am on New Years Eve this year (Yeah, so what?) and was really happy that both Topher and Ashton came back for the final episode. But still. I wish the cast had decided together when to end the show. Because I could have watched them smoke in that basement ‘til kingdom come.

The Final Season Cast:

Now, people that I’m terrified are going to do this in the near future is really what I’ve been thinking about lately. They’re going to think they’re too famous to be on TV and leave amazing shows. Number one: Jason Segel.

How I Met Your Mother without Mashall Eriksen would be a crime against humanity. Not only is Marshall integral to the Marshall-Lily relationship, but Ted and Barney also need Marshall. The HIMYM cast is a family, and losing any of them would be the demise of the show. Last night was the 100th episode of HIMYM and it really was an A+. It included a full on musical number that was just... genius.

One thing on my to-do list is to watch Freaks & Geeks, because not only is it a Judd Appatow show, but Jason Segel is in it. And I’ve heard it’s hilarious. Let’s just hope the jokes aren’t as gay as the Big Bang Theory. Oy.

And yet without leaving how can Jason Segal really reach his full comedic potential? He writes, he acts, he’s tall, he’s sexual. It’s gotta be tiring. But his most recent venture, I Love You Man, left a lot to be desired. Forgetting Sarah Marshall is what really made me think he might leave TV behind. But he’s still with us. God (who?) bless his soul.

The other one I’m seriously worried about (laugh if you will) is Kyle Howard on My Boys. Yes, I’m one of the 10 people in the world who watches the TBS original series My Boys starring Jordana Spiro. And ever since Kyle Howard first laid his D on a one Lauren Conrad I’ve been really nervous about My Boys.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m team Conrad, but I have this scary feeling that Lauren’s going to say something to him about the lameness of his show and encourage him to quit and do something better. My Boys without Bobby would just be ridiculous, especially since Bobby and PJ are dating now (Finally!)

Would Seinfeld have been Seinfeld if any of the original four had left to go make a solo career for themselves? NO! Icon! Icon! Icon! Nocon! (get the ref).

I know there are like hundreds of other examples of this but can’t really think of any other big ones right now… Can you??? Feel free to let me know with a comment.

The only other one that comes to mind is Lauren Conrad leaving Laguna Beach and The Hills. Sigh. When are my good MTV shows coming back??? Jersey Shore post to come. Don’t get too excited, I’m going to hate… hard.

A Window Into My Mind (and Soul)

2010-01-08T15:08:00.005-05:00

You may or may not know that looking up what shows and movies actors have been in on IMDB while I'm watching TV is my favorite thing to do. Even favoriter (yeah, I done did it now) is knowing these facts from my mind without looking at IMDB. Looking up filmographies, is probably the action I do most on my phone, second only to BBM.

Below is an example of what was running through my head while I watched Cougar Town on Wednesday night...

Did I really just construct these pictures in a Word document, print them out on a photo printer (thrice) and draw family-tree style lines to different show titles while at work? Yes... Yes I did.

This cast has been ALL over the place as far as television go. And I love it.

On another note, I had a revelation during Cougar Town on Wednesday night, Scott Foley is extremely sexual. I've known Scott for a long time (and by know I mean I watched Felicity religiously. Big Whoop). But I never thought of him in a sexual way. Ever. Maybe he just did a really good job at playing Noel on Felicity. His character was supposed to be Felicity's best friend who she wasn't really attracted to. He was perfect for it. Especially when you throw super sexual Scott Speedman into the mix. Why would you even look at Scott Foley with Scott Speedman around? Say Scott again. Scott.

Thinking back on Felicity, how pathetic was she!? She stalked a guy she was obsessed with across the country for college and then stalked him even more once they arrived in NYC. God, I can't even imagine what kind of shit would have gone down if she had had access to Facebook. But she got him in the end, so I guess it was worth it?? All I know is if she was my friend I would have given her tons of shit for her psychotic behavior. And for whispering all the time.

Anyway, unfortunately for me, Scott Speedman, Canadian God, has fallen off the map. So when Scott Foley appeared on my TV on Wednesday night, I was pleasantly surpsied by everything he's got going on. I wasn't that crazy about him in Scrubs either, but maybe that's just because I was always rooting for Elliot and JD to be together and when Scott came on the show to date Elliot it threw off my Chi. I don't know, maybe he's gotten better with age, but I really hope to see him on Cougar Town for a while longer, I will tell you that much (and more, if you ask).

And a quick note on Scrubs, I don't know if you all have been watching it currently, but it started off pretty rocky with it's new characters, but I think Tuesday night it finally hit its stride and is really funny again. Phew!

Also, Cougar Town was awesome this week. I have taken the liberty to embed the episode below. Enjoy.

My apologies for all who are unfamiliar with this subject matter and consequently do not understand most of what I'm saying in this post. As this post is a window into my mind (and soul), I decline to further explain myself unless specifically asked.

Holy. Avatar.

2010-01-06T18:45:00.010-05:00

God. I just cried watching that. Take a gander, incase you've been living under a rock for the past few months and haven't seen an Avatar trailer yet.

Ever since I first read an article, more than a year ago, about how Avatar was going to change the face of movie making, I wanted to see it. Then when I first saw the trailer I was like whoa, this is way too sci-fi for me. Then I kind of got over the sci-fi aspect when people I know started to see it and said it was good. But it became official that I was definitely going to see Avatar in theaters when my roommate’s boyfriend described it as “The greatest love story of our time”.

The call came on a chilly Wednesday night, the night before Christmas Eve. Few people were still left in Manhattan, which is probably why I got the call… Or maybe it’s my ‘can do’ attitue, I don’t know… But the call came in, “Wanna go see Avatar at 8:45 in Chelsea?” Um… It’s 7:45 and I was planning on going out tonight. But I shelved my desire to black out the night before Christmas Eve like a bad-ass Jewess, and decided to carpe diem.

Then I tried to buy tickets on Fandango. Sold out in Chelsea for the 8:45 show. Sold out in Union Square for the 9:10 show. Available in Kips Bay for the 9:30. Ugh, Kips Bay? Fine. I smoked myself silly and headed for the 6 train, on which I ran into a former co-worker (who is also one of my faithful readers’ husbands!) and described to him at length all of the feelings I had about Avatar.

And then, it all happened. Avatar amazingness. My recommendation on this movie: SEE IT RIGHT NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!!!!!!!

First of all, you have to see Avatar in 3D. I don’t even understand what it’s going to be like once it comes out on DVD and I don’t really understand the point of not seeing it in 3D. 3D was how it was made to be seen. See it how James Cameron wants you to see it. When James Cameron says jump, I say how high. My next mission is to see avatar in 3D Imax, which I’m banking on being an incredibly amazing experience.

Ladies- Sam Worthington is so good looking it’s not even fair. And if you can’t watch him as a human slash Avatar for 3 hours, then there’s something wrong with you. At one point Sam Worthington’s facial hair/scruff is so perfect, it brought a tear to my eye. And I know it doesn't look like your type of movie, but seriously, it is nearly impossible to not be entertained for the entire three hours. It's just... great. And the music ooooh ho ho the music. Titanic up a storm.

Gentlemen – If you don’t enjoy the bad ass 3D action scenes this movie has to offer, then I’m pretty sure you’re not a man. This is the next Star Wars. The next, other-stupid-action-slash-scifi-slash-fantasy-movie-that-guys-are-in-love-with. And, as my dear friend Dennis Reynolds says: “What's the one thing missing from all action movies these days, guys? Full penetration.”

Ok, so there isn’t full penetration, but there is definitely some freaky-blue-alien on freaky-blue-alien sex at one point. Avatar successfully combines a shit load of action with a love plot. And I’ve heard the complaints about the cheesiness of the love story in Avatar, but I spit on these complaints (insert spit noise here).

The love story scratched me right where I itched. And James Cameron broke his Titanic mold and (SPOILER ALERT – seriously skip the rest of this paragraph) did not kill off who I thought he would. Resulting in an ending that really warmed my heart.

One aspect of Avatar that I really enjoyed was all the metaphorical shit. I mean, yeah, I was high, but there were messages and connections in that movie left and right. The main topics that jumped out at me were: Colonialism and Expansion, Mother Nature, War, Terrorism, ya know, the usual hot button issues.

Jimmy C had the typical Hollywood liberal view, which of course I would never hate on because my views are riiiiiiiight in line with that. So I really enjoyed it. But if you think the military should bust in on naturally rich land inhabited by its native dwellers for a the sake of making money, then you will probably feel otherwise. And I also don’t like you.

I actually had just watched Fly Away Home (before Anna Paquin was a vampire lover) and Avatar reminded me of that in a weird way. Telling a compelling story to get your points across to the masses, is just a classic approach to movie making. Telling a story. Sending a message. Being entertained. A tip of the hat to you, James Cameron.

And yeah sometimes it’s really typical in the sense that this message has been told before and the story can be obvious, but I don’t think that’s so horrible. You don’t need a 6th-Sense-style twist at the end of every movie (but if you wanna talk about crazy twists and revelations, The Illusionist is my favorite, even though I hate Paul Giamatti with the fire of a thousand suns). Taking a story that’s been told before and telling it in your own way is creative.

Lastly, you will see things in Avatar that you have never seen before. Not to sound really typical, but Avatar is totally “visually stunning”. He legit invented an entire world. And it's all real. Well, it's obviously not real at all. But it feels like it is. And it's awesome. I will move to Pandora tomorrow and become an Avatar and hang with the Na'vi people forever and ever!

Acting Without Acting.

2010-01-04T17:07:00.002-05:00

Thanks to Pickles for this classic. A shout out to all the "I hate Jason Alexander in Curb" peeps, I know a lot of you.

Sorry for the half-assed posting, although I think I am posting some great viral vids. My Avatar post is still in the works. Comin atcha soon :)

Sexual song. Even more sexual montage. Enjoy.

2009-12-30T15:16:00.001-05:00

Thank you JP, for finding this amazing piece of internet cinema.

The Triple Header: A How-To Guide.

2009-12-29T12:18:00.007-05:00

Christmas used to be my least favorite day to be a Jew. But I’ve managed to change my tune, and I think it is now my favorite day to be a Jew.

Usually Connecticut on Christmas, for a Jew, is really depressing. Not only is it typically bitter cold, but everyone I knew was like totally out of commission on Christmas Day and since obviously everything is closed on Christmas Day cabin fever slash depression tends to set on really quickly. Because of this, I almost always spend Christmas Day in Miami. But this year, after months of trying to plan when we would get to go to CT to check in on our favorite restaurants in my hometown, my roommate and I decided to go to CT for Christmas weekend, which we titled, “Westport Winter Wonderland Weekend”. Alliteration is fun, deal with it.

Obviously, if you know me at all, it goes without saying that there was a bunch of pot smoking going on this weekend. But I think for any Jew to really embrace his/her Jewy-ness, pot should really be smoked on Christmas. I’m not sure why, but it just feels right. Festive in our own way.

Ok, so the big and most important part of the weekend, was that we completed a triple header at the movie theater. Now, ordinarily, yes, a triple header is pretty bad ass. But at the movie theater we went to, this took some serious coordination and planning. There are only 6 theaters within and the bathroom is outside of the guy who collects the tickets. So if you’re leaving, and going back in with a movie ticket that is time stamped for 3+ hours ago, you’re going to get fucked in the ass (or politely asked to leave, whatever).

The only time I was ever asked to leave a movie theater (which was coincidentally this same theater) was when my friends and I tried to sneak into Something About Mary by buying tickets to The Legend of Zoro. They literally came into the movie theater and asked to look at our tickets and then told us to get out. I was and still am completely mortified.

Anyway, I wasn’t about to let this happen to me again. Fuck you, Christmas Day movie workers at the Bowtie (formerly Crown) Royale movie theater in Norwalk, CT. I will not let you ruin my Jewy Christmas day! So what I did, has multiple layers of sneakiness and general weirdness. I like to make these intricate plans because I am a pretty nervous person and also a really bad liar. So I take whatever precautions necessary to avoid a confrontation, especially one in which I might have to lie. So here it is…

I have broken down the art of the successful triple header into 3 easy steps:

Step 1: Wear a hat.

I don’t wear hats. Ever. If it’s really cold out I’ll wear some sort of fleece headband that covers the ears or earmuffs. But I don’t wear hats because I look semi-retarded in them. But, after taking a note from some of my favorite celebs, I realized that a plain old baseball cap really manages to hide the face. I like baseball caps but usually don’t wear them because I have an unusually large head so that most baseball caps end up popping up off of my head and looking completely ridiculous, unless they are deeper than the standard depth. But either way, the baseball cap hides my hair. I’m sorry, when you’re 5’10” with flaming red hair, it’s not that easy to fly under the radar.

When it came to choosing the most appropriate baseball cap for this endeavor, I ran into a few problems. All of the baseball caps I know and love were in my apartment in the city (not that I ever wear any of them). Any that may have been left behind in CT were not in an obvious enough place for me to find since I came up with this hat idea mere minutes before we left for the theater.

So I start sorting through the family collection of hats. My first choice was a Lacoste hat with a big L in front that everyone in my immediate family owns (L for Leifer!!!!). It’s shallow but almost fits right. But the only one in my house in CT was bright yellow. I’m trying to fly under the radar here, a bright yellow hat might be one of the few things that actually draws more attention than bright red hair. My next choice was bright/light pink. Again, too flashy. I then turned my attention to only black hats and I found a nice little Black Dog hat in my bedroom that I decided would do the trick.

My baseball cap ended up serving two purposes. One was to disguise me from ticket collector man, and the other was to disguise me from anyone in the greater Westport, CT area who might recognize me and engage me in conversation at the movie theater. A. I’m high and don’t want to talk to my friends’ parents, B. I’m high and don’t want to talk to my parents’ friends, and C. Leave me the fuck alone, I’m in the middle of an intense triple header here and I really need to concentrate.

Step 2: Change your appearance / Costume change.

I had to go to the bathroom twice during the 6+ hours I was at the movie theater. I decided the best way to go about this was to wear my hat one time, and to not wear my hat the other time. Also, I wore my jacket one time and not the other time. I also think I put my hair up for one of these high-risk bathroom adventures and left it down for the other. I think I took my glasses off one the times too. Don't be afraid to mix it up. Disguises are fun. Maybe even try out a new voice for your "Thank you!" as you walk by the ticket man.

Step 3: Bring snacks.

Buying popcorn at the movies is fine. It’s fresh and delicious and festive (even though when I saw Avatar last week I brought my own popcorn- more to come on that adveture). But if you want anything from the chocolate or gummy family, bring that shit yourself. I’m not paying $8 for Junior Mints when I can buy them from a fucking convenience store for less than $2. Sorry, those are just my principles. Sorry, I’m not sorry.

The snacks I brought with came mostly from a holiday basket that my dad left in our kitchen with a post-it that said, “Brady and Max, enjoy”. I also took some cookies, a bottle of water and a can of Fresca. The key is to pace yourself with the drinks. Going to the bathroom more than twice is really taking some unnecessary chances. When I went to the bathroom during the previews of the second movie I also bought a bag of popcorn, which made it look like I was just out to get some popcorn instead of being sneaky. Also, the bag of popcorn in your hands makes it nearly impossible for the ticket man to actually ask you to see your ticket. And then you also get to eat popcorn. It’s a win-win.

Am I a totally crazy spaz for putting this much time and effort into my triple header? I say yes and no. No- This is an intense time commitment and if you’re not going to do it right then you really shouldn’t attempt it at all. Go hard or go home. Yes- Stop acting like you’re trying to escape from prison, you’re at the movie theater.

And now we come to the one downfall of the triple header, which is sitting in movie theater seats for 6+ hours. Bowtie Royal was new in the 90s, but now it's pretty antiquated. None of the movie theaters I go to in CT are stadium style, and this presents a comfort problem. As I said before, I’m just about 5’10”. And my legs are long (not to toot my own horn). So this becomes an issue because I don’t fit well in movie seats. If there’s no one in front of me it works better, but if there is I’ve got nowhere to stretch.

I can’t have my knees stay bent for 2+ hours at a time. My butt is constantly falling asleep and I keep uncrossing and recrossing my legs and shifting around in my seat at least once every 10 minutes. It’s a disaster. But it also adds a physical component to the triple header, making it that much more hardcore. Especially since for the first two movies, we had to sit somewhere in the first 10 rows of seats. So I had to lean my head back the whole time and it was just very uncomfortable. But then, Nine was like way less than half full and we managed to get in a handicapped row in the dead middle of the theater that had leg room for days. Although it was much better than a cramped 6th row, my ass still slept for most of it.

So now... Now you know.

Christmas Day: The Hat Trick.

2009-12-28T15:42:00.011-05:00

Ok, so I've been writing this post for a really long time and I came to the conclusion that no one is going to read a blog post that is 3 pages in Microsoft Word. So I'm breaking it down into two pieces. And it works better if the second half goes first. Please enjoy and comment :) Emoticons are gay, but I will use them til the day I die. Ride or die, bitches.

I usually don't like to make plans. Because when plans get broken it makes me sad. Like rules, sometimes plans were made to be broken. But not this one my friends... Not. This. One. My roommate and I had been planning to go to Connecticut, stay at my house, and accomplish the illusive triple header. That is, we pay for one movie ticket, and we see three movies.

At approximately 6:30 pm on Christmas night, the plan was officially completed successfully. That's right, this Jew spent more than 6 hours at the movie theater on Christmas Day followed up by a delicious Chinese food dinner. You will probably never in your life hear me praise Jesus again, but I really do thank him for letting me have this wonderful opportunity. I don't think I would have done it with out him, that crazy delusional Jew.

Tomorrow's post is about the experience I had at said triple header, but this one is content based. Some comments and concerns about the movies I saw, which, in the order I saw them, are: It's Complicated, Up In The Air, and Nine.

It’s Complicated.

Just as good, if not better, the second time around. Still hilarious. Still amazing. Still the perfect movie for the holiday season. If you don’t find this movie amusing you actually have no soul. It is the RomCom to end all RomComs. It is perfection. I am in love with it. The one thing I didn’t say about it in my “Sneak Peek review” was how much you will laugh out loud in It’s Complicated. If you’re not LOLing up a storm, you should really get yourself to a doctor because something is wrong with you. And also, that aspect sets it apart from RomComs like Something’s Gotta Give, which, although excellent, are not laugh-out-loud funny.

Up In The Air.

Lemme tell you a little story about my relationship with this movie. The first time I saw a preview I knew I wanted to see it. The reasons behind this were that George Clooney was in it… And… well, mostly that George Clooney was in it... And that it’s kind of a RomCom (more Rom than Com). And I saw in the trailer that at one point they are BBM-ing with each other. When I write a RomCom you can bet your ass there will be BBM conversations all over the place. Long live the BlackBerry. Fuck the iPhone (Sorry, sometimes/all the time I have random fits of anger towards the iPhone, you just witnessed one).

I wanted to see Up In The Air for, lets say, atleast a month and a half. Maybe more. Then in the past few weeks it got nominated for all these awards and people were freaking out about how good it is. At that point I obviously still wanted to see it and then got even more excited for it because it dawned on me that people other than me might actually like this film. And the verdict is: It’s really not that great. I liked it enough, but I really didn't like it. I got a little bored at parts. I kind of saw the twist coming. It’s a good twist but pretty obvious. It’s very Last Chance Harvey-ish. Older man who doesn’t really talk to his family meets someone and decides to try to change blah blah blah. I mean I’ll watch George Clooney for 2 hours any day of the week, but you might not feel the same way.

Nine.

Ok. I have some major issues with Nine. Aesthetically, it is an orgasm for the eyes. I know that when I see Nine again I will like it a lot better because I will focus less on the plot and more on how dazzling each and every frame is. Everything is Italian and beautiful and the sets are gorgeous and the actresses are all entrancing (minus Fergie) and dressed in cool/crazy costumes. The story line is OK. But, the songs are awful.

If you’re going to make a musical in this day and age, there’s really no room to fuck around. Your songs have to be awesome. Downloadable and awesome. You have to be Moulin Rouge to succeed as a musical film for adults. These songs were so stupid and not catchy, it is seriously embarrassing. The songs are uninteresting sentences, ineloquently written, strung together and sung to a unattractive tune. I think if the songs were half decent Nine could have been a serious success, if not at least critically acclaimed. But from what I understand, critics and audiences alike have been shitting all over Nine.

Talking about how bad the music was is really getting me worked up. Like, if you're not going to have good songs, why waste your time making a movie into a musical? It's retarded. A serious recipe for disaster and very poor planning on someone's part. Half of the songs were people just singing the name "Guido" over and over because that was the name of the main character. So. Stupid.

I really liked the overall concept though. It’s about a famous director who talks about how making a film and talking about a film is like killing a dream because nothing is going to be as good when you make it real life as you imagine it to be in your head. Like living up to the expectations that others have for you and that you have for yourself. It was weird because there were things that I really like and identified with in the movie but still couldn't enjoy it. Then it’s also about his tumultuous relationship with his new film, his wife, and his slew of mistresses.

Plot-wise it moves very slowly. But that’s my problem with movies that are so special mostly because of their visual aspects. I really didn’t like Marie Antoinette or the Royal Tenenbaums the first time I saw them because the actual plots are just not exciting . Now they are both definitely in my top ten favorites. The way I watch movies for the first time is that I'm excited to see what happenes next. Once you’ve seen it for the first time, you can stop revving yourself up about what is going to happen next and just kind of be in the moment and appreciate all the little things that make the film special and unique. Atleast, that’s how my mind operates.

So tune in later this week (possibly tomorrow, ha.) to read my tips on how to pull a successful triple header.

Sneak Peek: It's Complicated

2009-12-21T13:10:00.004-05:00

Maybe you guys didn’t know, but I’m like really industry. I’m just getting invited to premieres and parties and shit everyday. It’s hard to keep up blogging when you’re basically the social epi-center of the Entertainment business. Oh wait, I’m not. At all.

Well, either way, I saw It’s Complicated (trailer embedded above) months ago even though it doesn’t come out until Christmas day. Do I consider myself way cooler than you because of this? Absolutely. But we won’t get into that now. We’ll just talk about how this was possibly the best RomCom I’ve ever seen (except for my number one favorite of all time, Keeping the Faith).

When I scored the invite to this exclusive social event (aka a mass e-mail to subscribers of movietickets.com) I was beyond excited. From the first second I heard about this movie I knew I was going to love it. But truth be told, I loved it even more than I thought I would. It comes from my favorite Dirctor, Nancy Meyers. You might know her from smash RomCom hits such as: The Parent Trap, What Women Want, Something’s Gotta Give and The Holiday. You might also know her from her writing which includes the previously mentioned films (except What Women Want) as well both Father of the Bride movies. She's an American treasure.

Nancy Meyers is like a fine wine, she gets better with age. With the four above directorial examples (listed chronologically) you can how they get better as they get closer to present day. What Women Want is really cheesy and strange but undeniably good. Something’s Gotta Give is about old people (which is right up my alley but less so for others) and The Holiday is…. The Holiday.

While re-watching The Holiday on TV the other weekend I came to the realization that I actually straight up HATE Cameron Diaz’s character in that movie. I don’t find her awkwardness endearing at all, I find it fake. Her facial expressions make me want to scream and she acts like a fucking child. I think it’s just some bad acting from her. I’d much rather watch her in What Happens In Vegas.

If you haven’t seen WHIV (which I would say out loud as “double u hiv”) you should get on that immediately. Because putting Ashton Kutcher in a RomCom means you’re ready to get down to business. Ok, back to Nancy (we’re really good friends, I just call her Nance sometimes.)

Another reason I knew I’d love It’s Complicated is because of the cast: Meryl Streep (I’ll get into that in a second), Alec Baldwin (swoon) and Steve Martin (awkward hilarity). And that is the cast that the film is being promoted for. But if you ask me I say there is a a name that’s missing from the billboards, and that name is John Krasinski.

John Krasinski oddly carries this film. And I don’t mean the film would have failed with out him, because it still would have been good. But he’s like way more involved than I assumed he would be and he is HILARIOUS throughout. I’m not surprised that he was so hilarious, but more surprised at how well he fit in with the cast of characters and how well Nancy Meyers wrote his for him. I've loved John Krasinski since episode one, season one of The Office. But I really think after this movie, everyone who sees it will love him too. Even though I've heard a story from a friend that' he's a dick in real life (the same friend who get me tickets to see It's Complicated, actually) I refuse to believe it.

It’s just that he’s the only really relatable character under the age of 50. In the movie Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin have two daughters and a son. The oldest daughter in engaged to John Krasinski and that’s how he fits in. If you don’t know the plot yet: Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin got divorced because Alec Baldwin left her for a younger woman. Then Meryl and Alec start things up again as Alec cheats on his young wife, played by Lake Bell. Meanwhile Meryl starts dating Steve Martin, who is the architect working with her on redesigning her house.

This next comment might come as a surprise, but I really don’t like Meryl Streep. She has an almost ScarJo effect on me. I love all of her movies but she herself really bothers me. Something about her voice or her intonation. I’m not sure. But she really rubs me the wrong way. But movies I love love love that she is in: Prime, Julie & Julia (watched it last night, no biggie), Adaptation, Mamma Mia!, Devil Wears Prada. You know, the classics.

The best thing about It’s Complicated, other than being in the Nancy Meyers world of visual perfection and cleanliness (I’m not sure how else to describe it), is that plot-wise this one really seems realistic. The problems are real. You, as the viewer don’t really know whose side you’re on. You are as confused as Meryl Streep is about the situation, and that makes the movie great. At one point during the movie, my friend turned to me and sighed and said, “Wow, this really is complicated” and then we burst into laughter and the rude queen next to us shushed us even though his cell phone rang during he movie. Whatever.

Nancy Meyers movies can sometimes get a little… lets say “out there”. The concept of What Women Want is ridiculous. Something’s Gotta Give is realistic enough. But The Holiday? When you think about it and they’re all dancing around together in the end, you’re like how is this exactly going to work? Neither of these couples live on the same continent as either of their significant others. And also, it’s just super cheesy and obvious in the end. But in It’s Complicated everything just seems real. It all makes sense. It’s just so good.

And also, if there is a scene in anything where people over the age of 50 are smoking pot, you bet your ass I’m going to think it’s hilarious. One of my favorite episodes of That 70’s Show is what Red, Kitty, Midge and Bob accidentally eat pot brownies. There’s nothing funnier than a high old person. Nothing.

The pot smoking scene in “It’s Complicated” is done so perfectly, I wish I was there smoking with them. First Meryl Streep and Steve Martin smoke together. Then they go to a party and Meryl smokes in a bathroom with Alec, and they got walked-in on by John Krasinksi, who then also smokes with them. And then hilarity ensues. Talk about high quality high jinx. Say high again. High.

So my recommendation is to see “It’s Complicated” this holiday season. If you don’t like it, I will put coal in your stocking.

Paul Newman's half Jewish, Goldie Hawn's half too. Put them together, what a fine lookin' Jew!

2009-12-16T12:22:00.005-05:00

Ok, so first of all, lets discuss Jews with trees. That’s right, I say “Jews with trees” like you should know EXACTLY what I’m talking about. And you should. I’m talking about Jews who have Christmas trees in their homes/apartments/2nd homes, whatever.

I find this repugnant. It’s ridiculous enough that Christian people have Christmas trees in their home, since the tradition of a Christmas tree has little to zero religious significance (or so I’ve heard). Which, in a way, if I were to really think about it, the lacking of actual religious significance of the Christmas tree might make it more acceptable for Jews to have them. But still. It’s not.

Jews with trees are pathetic. Oh, you feel left out of a religious holiday so you just decide to join in with the fun? No. That’s sad and your parents probably told you to just do whatever the cool kids in school were doing and you’d be fine. Yeah, if someone else jumps off a bridge you totally should too. IDIOTS. If you want to celebrate Christmas, go do it with a Christian.

That’s something I don’t have a problem with. If your Christ-loving friend wants to have you over for eggnog and snuggling under the covers while you wait for the sound of reindeer hooves from above, that’s totally fine. You should do that. But creating a Christmas of your own is blasphemous and the Maccabees are spitting on you from the grave. Unless you do believe that Jesus is the lord and savior, in which case, get the hell out of Judaism, we don’t want you here.

But Hanukka. Oh, sweet Hanukkah. What is better than a holiday where you get presents 8 nights in a row? Answer: NOTHING! And the food? THE FOOD! First of all, I really should start eating latkes year round. You can really dip a latke in anything, which is one of the many reasons it’s so great: versatility, baby. But the main reason is that if you fry a potato you really can’t go wrong.

The traditional latke dips are applesauce and sour cream. I’ve never really gotten the applesauce thing, it has always kind of grossed me out. But I will do a dip or two in sour cream. Since childhood I’ve eaten my latkes with ketchup, because what is a latke if not a giant flattened French fry?

The downfall of Hanukkah? No Hanukkah music. I don’t really consider this a downfall although I think many of my Jesus-loving friends would. I mean we have the three Adam Sandler songs, and you know what? I’m OK with it. It totally goes with Hanukkah’s whole under-the-radar vibe. We’re not trying to shove it in your face (cough cough Christmas), we’re just trying to make a holiday where we get presents too, cause everyone needs presents…

I like Christmas music as much as the next guy. It’s fun, it gets you in the mood, whatever. But by the time Christmas actually rolls around I think most people (or just me?) are about ready to claw out their own eardrums at the very mentions of “Simply having a wonderful Christmastime”. I mean I love the *NSYNC Christmas music but after a month straight it gets to be a little much. I think to remedy this stores should play a mix of normal and Christmas music. Like make every OTHER song a Christmas song instead of Christmas songs around the clock. I’m asking for a little moderation here, people.

In conclusion: Drink your gin and tonica, and smoke your marijuanica.

I will eat a bowl of cherries and some ghost meat in his honor.

2009-12-03T11:59:00.002-05:00

I can't deal with elevators anymore. I think the only place I'd rather be less than in an elevator is in a taxi. I have some really strange stories of things that taxi drivers have done while I've been the back seat. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Me doing inappropriate things in the back seat while they drive and pretend not to notice what’s going on? Well, not this girl. But we’ll save my trials and tribulations with taxi drivers for another day and focus on my elevator issues today.

My office building is actually an old rich people's apartment building. And these people take security so seriously it's bizarre. There is an elevator man in one of the elevators and the other elevator is controlled by the guy who works behind the front desk. You can’t hit any buttons in that elevator other than Lobby, he has to hit them from behind the desk. It’s like being trapped in a steal case of emotions.

I hate being in elevators with other people in general. It’s an awkward social situation and I’m just too awkward to handle it. Where do you look? Is it rude to keep your iPod on? Where do you stand? If you’re on the phone do you absolutely have to hang up? Is it rude to text? These are the things that race through my head when I’m in the elevator with a random person.

My issue at work is that usually I’m in the elevator with the elevator man. I’m sorry, I’m just not the kind of person who strikes up random conversations with people. I can’t talk nonsense at my friends for hours upon hours, but if you’re standing in an elevator with me I don’t know what to talk to you about.

The weather is an obvious choice. And although people make jabs about talking about the weather, it really is a conversation topic that I enjoy. I don’t know, maybe I was a meteorologist in a former life, but I always find it interesting enough. It’s always changing, so why not talk about it? Am I right?

But if you’re seeing someone in an elevator every day, you can’t talk about the weather every day, that’s insulting. The weather conversation can happen once a week, maximum, unless there is some seriously crazy extreme weather conditions going on. Like unless I’m Dorothy in the Wizard of OZ and a tornado has transported me to an alternate universe, weather should not be discussed more than once a week.

Other than that, I don’t know what to say. So usually it’s silent for 15-30 seconds. If I’m lucky there’s another person in there with us, in which case it’s more socially acceptable to just be silent. For guys this dead time is easy, because they usually talk about sports. But I could give two dicks about sports. I mean, it was exciting when the Yankees won but I didn’t bring it up with my elevator man.

I think that’s all I got. I’ll be funnier next time.

I just want to go home and watch that show about midgets and eat a block of cheese.

2009-11-20T11:14:00.008-05:00

If you live in New York City, there is virtually zero chance that you have not seen this:

The ad for the Dunkin Donuts tuna sandwich is EVERYWHERE. Inside the subway, outside the subway, on buses, on telephone booths. Everywhere I look all I see is a gross fucking tuna sandwich on a bagel being pedaled by Dunkin Donuts.

First of all, it has 700 calories. Seriously, I discovered the nutritional information while I was searching for a pic.

Second of all, this is DISGUSTING. I have an issue with tuna. A huge issue with tuna. I think it’s gross. And I almost never eat it. I will only eat it if I prepare it for myself. Ordering tuna is something I have never done and something that I never will do. In trying to figure out why I am so vehemently against ordering tuna in any sort of venue, I remembered an occurrence that happened to me in Middle School.

My mom and I drove to Bagels & More one fateful morning when I was in the 6th grade. I ordered my regular, which at that point was Super Cinnamon & Raisin toasted with cream cheese (amazing). It wasn’t the first bite, nor the second, but at some point I bit into my bagel and had an odd taste in my mouth – tuna. It wasn’t like a full bite of tuna, but at some point someone must have switched the knives in the tuna and the cream cheese and there was an unmistakable and unwanted taste in my 12-year-old mouth at 8am that morning.

The worst part was that the taste wouldn’t go away. I spit out the tuna bite and then was obviously overcome by nausea (if you know me at all you know that that is a constant in my life) and confusion. I didn’t have a tooth brush with me, I was getting out of a minivan in front of Bedford Middle School late for homeroom with Miss Homscheid. I somehow found a Jolly Rancher in my teal LL Bean back pack (this just got way Middle Schooly) and used that to cleanse my palate.

So after some real soul searching and self-psychoanalyzing, I have decided that is why I hate tuna. Although, as I said, I will eat it if I make it myself. But now Dunkin Donuts has brought out a tuna sandwich. And they're advertising it EVERYTHING. And this is just not OK. I used to be obsessed with Dunkin Donuts, and although I still believe in their magical powers (if you haven’t had the wake up wrap or the iced tea, you are a fool) I just don’t go that much. I stopped drinking coffee. I stopped eating breakfast. I get my bagels from Lenny’s now. Whatever.

But now… Nowwwwwwww, I have the debilitating fear that if I ever order food from Dunkin Donuts it is going to be prepared with a utensil that has been cross contaminated with tuna. Ew. I was talking to a friend about this and they agreed, “I don’t want tuna anywhere near anything I would order at Dunkin Donuts”. Amen, sister.

And also, Dunkin Donuts, it’s about time for you to calm the fuck down. There is no way people are actually buying their non-breakfast food from Dunkin, is there? I mean, I think it’s weird that I’ve never tried one of their non-breakfast panini’s because I usually operate under the assumption that everything Dunkin Donuts touches turns to gold (that’s just science). And I also like experimenting with new and limited time only food. But for some reason, I was never up for wasting a full meal on a questionable panini or pizza from Dunkin.

I think if I knew someone that ordered a tuna sandwich from Dunkin Donuts I would have to stop being friends with them immediately. I just really cannot get into the mindset of anyone who would think that would socially acceptable.

Unable To Curb My Enthusiasm

2009-11-16T16:30:00.011-05:00

I don’t know what you people think you’re doing with your lives, but when Curb airs an episode, not just of a reunion of the Seinfeld characters, but an actual episode of the Seinfeld reunion, you don’t watch a fucking football game instead. Oh wah wah wah, Manning vs. Brady. Yeah, I get it, they’re both really good looking, and if they’re going to be fumbling each others’ balls all night, I’d watch it too. Or even just to see their faces, because if you want to deny that those two aren’t extremely good looking, you’re out of your goddamn mind.

Anyway, as my trusty blog readers, most of you are not random fans, (but shout out to those who are!!!!) most of you are my friends and family. And most of you know that I have a borderline psychotic obsession with Jerry Seinfeld. And yes, he’s been on Curb numerous times already this season. But. But but but but but, this week was different. This week was a peek into the actual (albeit fake) Seinfeld reunion!!!!!!!

Does anyone know how big of a deal this is for me? I guess I didn’t really understand the gravity of the situation until I was a few minutes into the episode. But even as I was frantically texting my fellow Sein-o-files during the episode, no one seemed to be watching. The main culprit (other than one friend who decided to fall asleep at approx 8pm), you ask? Fucking football. And a few others who apparently just can’t seem to get their shit together to watch the airing of this episode, which occurred at 9pm, 10pm, 11pm and midnight on HBO. If HBO is replaying an episode on the night of its premiere 3 additional times, you should probably drop everything you’re doing and fucking watch that shit.

In this amazing and life-altering episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, we see the table read and then the beginnings of rehearsals for the “Seinfeld Reunion”. This is basically, an actual Seinfeld Reunion.

Let me fill you in on some plot lines, where we pick up with the gang a whopping 11 years after the series finale (SPOILER ALERT, I'M HOLDING NOTHIN BACK!):

Jerry has donated his sperm to Elaine and she now has a daughter and they argue whether or not she should know if Jerry is her biological father (she has been calling him Uncle Jerry).

George lost all of his money with Madoff and is divorced, but his wife managed to get her half of the money out of Madoff as soon as their divorce was final and because of this he is trying to get back together with her. George made a bunch of money because he made an iPhone application he that lets you know where the closest/nicest toilet is (amazing).

I forget what Kramer’s up to. I will have this info after I rewatch this episode multiple times this week... and for the rest of my life.

And of course, since all episodes of Seinfeld come full circle (including the entire series beginning and ending with the same conversation about button placement), this one begins with a conversation about George blowing his nose into a cloth napkin in a restaurant and ends with George about to blow his nose into a cloth napkin and a freeze frame on the gang reaching out to stop him and screaming “NOOOOO!”

All I can say is, I absolutely love the direction this is going in. The Seinfeld reunion seems to be the perfect blend of things that have happened on Curb (because obviously Larry David is inspired by things that happen in his own life) and new original plot ideas thought up by Jerry and Larry. At one point the two of them, in their office, have a ridiculously hilarious conversation and you can just visualize that this is how they write the show. Conversations just like that one. (I'll also figure out this specific conversation in my rewatch)

Then, to bring in more of real life occurrences, Michael Richards gets agitated with Leon, who happens to be standing with two other black people, for lying to him, and in a fit of rage he screams “If only there was a word I could use to make you as angry as I am right now!” (Richards' real life racist rant) I have to say, not only was Michael Richards a great sport about that, but you also get a glimpse into where he was coming from. Different people defended him after the incident (Jerry did on Letterman) but that didn’t do it justice. I totally get where Michael Richards was coming from now. I’m not saying it was right. I’m just saying it seems less crazy now, more contextual.

So many other ridiculous and hilarious things are going on in this episode outside of the Seinfeld Reunion that I can't even begin to go further into them.

But next week, ooooooooh next week. Next week is when we(I) hit it big. Next week is when they "film" the fake Seinfeld Reunion and Larry starts getting outlandish ideas about changing the episode and trying to convince everyone they're good ideas when no one likes them. A common conversation/argument in this episode (in addition to past episodes) is the conversation that the Seinfeld Series Finale was a failure. In an earlier episode this season, when the reunion is first posited to the actors, Jason Alexander says "I guess it will give us a chance to go out on a good note". It is going to be one amazing Sunday Funday.

So please get to your closest TV and watch Curb on demand ASAP!!!!

SNL is bad.

2009-11-15T15:54:00.009-05:00

SNL, why are you so bad? No, seriously. I've always heard people say time and again that Lorne Michaels is a genius and the best producer anyone anywhere has ever had the privilege of working with but has that man lost all regard for comedy? I don't even understand how SNL is so bad because I really do love so many of the cast members. Alas, SNL is so bad that it makes me sad all day long... And all Saturday night long... Or more like all Sunday morning long when I usually watch it on DVR. Whatever.

First of all, I’ve decided to blame Simon Rich for this whole mess. That pissy little boy genius has totally rubbed me the wrong way (He is a writer on SNL and is 24-years old). Someone recommended his book to me, “Ant Farm” and I actually want to scream when I read it. It’s someone who thinks they are so witty that they don’t need to be funny. Maybe it’s just not my cup of tea, because as you can see from my own comedic prowess, I prefer a long-winded rambling story to laugh at, which is also executed in a way that makes me laugh. But this book is like soooo fucking arrogant I can't stand it.

It’s the kind of shit that when you read it, you can tell the person who’s writing it thinks they’re hilariously funny and is also smugly aware that you aren’t really getting it and it makes it that more funny to them. And that gives off the vibe that they think they’re better than you. Let me tell you somethin, Rich, I get it. I get every bit of it. And it’s a fucking obnoxious brand of humor that I want nothing to do with.

Alienating your audience because you're too high brow for the masses is not what Saturday Night Live is supposed to do. Keep that from the Harvard Lampoon (of which he was the president) where your audience is probably as obsessed with their own intelligence as you are with yours. Your intelligent audience is not sitting at home at 11:30pm on a Saturday night watching SNL. They might be reading, or out doing something intellectually stimulating… or drinking. Either way, SNL is seriously the wrong venue for the humor that only a select few understand. I’m not saying to dumb it down for the audience, because that’s ridiculous. I’m saying to stop being a fucking asshole.

Ant Farm is a total “bathroom book”. Every “entry” or chapter or whatever the fuck you want to call it is like 2 pages long. The book contains short “witty” stories, many of which are about Simon Rich being a child making more sense than all the adults around him. No one wants to hear you talk about how you’re smarter than everyone else. Seriously. No. One. Your book makes me want to claw my own eyes out.

However, if you’re looking for a book that has short witty amazing weird stories, I’ve got a great one for ya, it is “My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face” by Michael Ian Black. First of all, if you’re not watching Michael and Michael Have Issues on Comedy Central (which you’re definitely not since I know like 2 other people that actually watch this show) you’re a fool. This show is awesomely hilarious. And Michael Ian Black’s book is amazing. And as Sarah Silverman is quoted on the book jacket, “Fun to read while you’re pooping!”. It contains chapters with titles like ""Why I Used a Day-Glo Magic Marker to Color My Dick Yellow". I bet someone like Simon Rich would use the word "sophomoric" to describe that. Watta dick.

Ok, now back to SNL. Here’s one sketch that I actually really loved, that came about when SNL was pretty really bad back in either late 2006 or early 2007.

That makes me smile.

I think at that point literally no one was watching SNL. The Justin Timberlake episodes tend to draw people back in, and then a few epsidoes later they’re gone again because SNL has gone back to sucking hard by the next week. There is something magical about what Justin Timberlake does to SNL. It’s like Christopher Walkin or Alec Baldwin, every episode he’s on contains only sketches that actually make you piss yourself laughing. And I used to think the issue was that a couple years back they had literally zero women in their writers' room, something I observed while watching the Emmy’s. But now they do have women, and it still sucks. But when Justin Timberlake does an episode of SNL it somehow highlights the best characteristics of each of the cast members and showcases them in the funniest way possible.

Another issue I’m having is with NBC in general. NBC is sucking wind so hard these days and it’s embarrassing. I could walk into that programming department and get NBC back on top of the world in a week. And I could do it whilst drunk, stoned, and with both hands tied behind my back. I don’t know who these fucking old people are (one or all of the Jeff’s no doubt – Gaspin, Zucker, and I think there might be a third…) that are choosing just the stupidest shows ever to pick up and turn into series. NBC Thursday night rocks my socks, but none of those shows are even classic cheesy sitcoms. The classic sitcom (fake laughter included) is what NBC is truly missing. Take a page out of, oh I don't know, EVERY OTHER NETWORK'S BOOK, and get it done.

ER is gone so it’s been replaced by not one, but TWO new doctor shows? I saw a promo for Mercy the other day and it actually looks really good, but I’m sorry, medical dramas are a step away from soap operas at this point. They’re basically as close you can get to a soap opera after 4pm.

And I also saw a promo months ago on NBC that was like “America, we asked you what you wanted, and you said more comedy. So you’re getting more comedy! Jay Leno weeknights at 10!” THAT IS NOT WHAT ANYONE WANTS, NBC!!!! How retarded are you??? You basically birthed the sitcom. You aired freaking Seinfeld, Frasier, Will & Grace and Cheers. And when someone asks you for more comedy you add another talk show to your line up? Are you kidding me? Get your head out of your ass, NBC. Do what you were once better than anyone else in the world at doing for like 5 seconds and it will make you not suck anymore.

Wow, I just got really heated. Leifer out.

Hatred and Confusion

2009-11-06T13:50:00.003-05:00

You're worth over a billion dollars and this is what your body looks like? Can't you at least afford the man you hire to live in your house and physically keep you away from your refrigerator? Because I've heard that works.

I'm sure it's not even that bad, but what stylist put her in this outfit? And who gave this picture the OK to be on the homepage of her magazine? I clicked on it to link to an article about Jay-Z, OK?? Apparaently Jay-Z opened up to Oprah about his relationship with Beyonce (which he never does) and when I tried to read about it on "O" magazine (gay) it brought me to a horrific picture of Oprah and asked me to sign up. No and no.

Another time, I will fully rant a fit of rage towards Oprah (because I hate her). But today, this is all ya get.

What's for lunch?

2009-11-04T16:51:00.008-05:00

Attention residents of DC and New York: If you’re thinking about what to get for lunch today, think no further. I have the answer for you: Chop’t.

This is something I would recommend to anyone, any day of the week. I don’t know if you know this about me, but I have an uncanny ability to make perhaps the most delicious salads in the world. For the amount of love I have for salad, I should definitely weigh less. But maybe it’s because I really pack the calories into a salad in order to maximize it’s deliciosity. I just made that word up. And I’m loving it.

My love for Chop’t is nothing new. It's been going on for a few years now and it’s just as strong as it ever was, if not stronger. Chop’t recently introduced a new seasonal salad and dressing. And it is INSANITY! It is called the Mexican Caesar and it will make you want to wear a sombrero and move to Mexico… Or just make you want to order it thrice a week, as I do.

The key to this magical magical dressing is the color. It is the color of all good sauces and spreads, aka any shade of orange. I’m sorry, if you put an orange sauce or spread in front of me, I know by its shade that it is most likely going to be incredibly delicious. And the Mexican Caesar is no exception. My usual dressings at Chop’t are Tex-Mex Ranch (light orange) and/or Sweet & Smokey Chipotle Vinaigrette (orange). But since this beauty hit my lips, I have thrown caution to the wind and ordered the shit out of it.

Am I drawn to these sauces because of my fiery orange hair? Definite possibility. Or maybe it’s just because they have never let me down. Gotta love a sure thing.

The ingredients of the Mexican Caesar are: Romaine lettuce (aka the only kind of lettuce you should ever get, unless you’re disgusting/foolish/foreign), jalapeños (for a little/lot kick), tortilla strips (gotta have a crunch!), cotija cheese (THE MOST MAGICAL CHEESE IN THE WORLD! I like to describe it as a Mexican/creamier version of parmesan) and maybe corn (queeter), plus whatever meat you want. Since I’m a bad ass I get it “naked” aka without meat. And when I say bad ass I mean a cheapo who prefers just not eating meat if it's going to save me $2.50 on an already pricey salad. And because I like to think no meat decreases the calorie count... Because it does. That's just math. But I actually only got this salad once and then started getting my regular salad or wrap and going crizazy with the Mexican Caesar on it. Tangy and dee-lish.

Whatever you put in your salad, I highly recommend you take Mexican Caesar dressing for a test drive. And please let me know how it goes. Or just praise me for being the sauciest sauce monster on this earth.

Chop't Menu

Also available in many locations via Seamlessweb

Shit I made the Yankee hat more famous than a Yankee can.

2009-10-30T12:39:00.002-04:00

Truth be told, I didn't know the World Series was going on right now until 5 minutes ago. Seriously. I knew the Yankees were doing well and that there was something going on with the Phillies but I had no clue it was the World Series. I'm a pretty much fair-weather fan, but that's just because unless the stakes are high, I don't enjoy watching sports. And if the Yankees are in the World Series you bet your ass I will be watching the remaining games. Anyway, I just wanted to post this video because it's ridiculously amazing and I cried (true story) and got goose bumps all over my body when I watched it. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

Sorry Boo, Strike Two

2009-10-29T12:48:00.019-04:00

Can we talk about The Hills for a second? I’ve been dying to talk about The Hills all day. The Hills. Is. Awesome.

Warning: If you don't watch The Hills, you are not going to understand any of this insanely long ramble. And also, I don't like you.

Ok, the season opened weak. It’s a point I will concede, easily. But what The Hills came back with after that weak season opener, really just blew my socks off. I understand why people stopped watching after the first episode, but everyone's allowed to have an off episode. Give it another chance! My roommate stopped after the first episode. And The Hills was like one of our things. We have more than a few of those… But every Monday at 10pm we sat in front of the TV and sang the entire “Feel the Rain on Your Skin!” song together as the show begun. It was glorious.

So word around the water cooler (aka Gchat since I work alone) is that The Hills viewership is down by a third this season. And you know what? That’s ridiculous. As much as I love Lauren Conrad, more than almost everyone in the world probably, I am also willing to admit that she is a wet blanket. I don’t know why I’m so in love with her, maybe it’s because she’s perfect in every way other than her personality, but I always have been and always will be team Conrad.

That being said, Kristin Cavallari is awesome. She doesn’t give a SHIT. I mean it’s totally different than Lauren Conrad. And I guess that’s what most people’s problem is, which is strange because I didn’t think anyone else liked her…

Kristin made Justin-Bobby come to life. I don't know how it happened, but like all of a sudden Justin-Bobby talks and is animated. It's great! It makes him even more of a sexual deviant than he already was. Because I don't care how bizarre he his, he's still hot.

And Apparently Staci the bartender is a cast member now? I looooove slash hate how The Hills just adds characters at random and we're expected to just accept them as part of the crew now. I guess that's how things go in fake reality TV.

Kristin talks in interviews about how she will do whatever the producers tell her. She lies to no one. Her life is an open book, just like mine. I think we’re kindred spirits. Maybe even sisters. If someone asks her if the show is fake she just talks about how ridiculously fake it is. But you have to respect her for that. She literally told the LA Times: "It's just so...fake. There's no truth to it. At all."

If Audrina wants to still pretend like the show is real when it is like SOOOOOO obviously the fakest most scripted thing everrrrrrrr then I feel like she’s insulting my intelligence. And if there is one person who shouldn’t be insulting anyone’s intelligence, on this earth, it is Audrina Patridge.

At one point, last season, Audrina lightened her hair considerably and somehow became like 100 times prettier.
I really don't know how the perfect shade of brown (which is now almost blonde) can change someone’s general appearance so much. But it really is the perfect shade of brown. My hair color is one of my favorite aspects about myself but I think if I could get that color I might just go for it. It's insane.

Even though her body was crazy before and still is, she just wasn't that great in my eyes. But now she is good to go. Except for her extra large back of the neck tatoo. Get a life, loser.

And PS KCavs looks sooooo much better with less make up. It's insanity. Literally, they put too much make up on her sometimes and it just doesn't look right. She's just so cool. I love everything about her.

Although the conversation Kristin had with her dad on last week's episode was really awkward. First of all, he lives in a Conrad-style mansion now. When they were filming Laguna Beach he basically lived in a trailer. Ok, that's an exaggeration, but he lived in a teeny tiny house and now he has this crazy water-front property. Someone address this please. Does MTV just rent a house to film at? Does he live there? I want to know!!!!! I mean at the end of Laguna he bought Kristin an X5, there's no way MTV didn't pay for some or all of that bad boy. No. Way.

I don't know what the fuck Heidi and Spencer are supposed to do with themselves now that there is no drama between them and Lauren, because I think that was like half of their personalities. Now, every episode is Heidi babysitting for Enzo and Spencer coming home and talking to an 8 year old as if he is a moron instead of a child. The whole thing is so retarded I want to scream. Heidi and Spencer are so irrelevant at this point it's a joke. Waste of my time. I don't even like hating them anymore. I used to have that. But now I want nothing to do with them.

The big thing they're involved in now is solving Holly's drinking problem. WHOA, HOW HAVE I NOT TALKED ABOUT STEPHANIE PRATT YET!?!?!? I just blacked in the fact that she existed and that she has a RAGING eating disorder this season. I borrow a phrase from Tina Fey when I say, "What the what?"

Stephanie Pratt's face looks as though it has been molded from plastic and then was left out in the scorching sun for days. Her face looks melted and bizarre. Her lips aren't even on her face half the time, she's a total Salvador Dali meets Picasso. I don't know what is where and nothing is in its correct form.

I can't seem to find a picture of her that really shows this new face that looks like it has been butchered like a plastic surgeon, but you should watch the show to see it in action. It's also how she acts. She was always a moron, but I think the plastic surgery and lack of food intake has pushed her over the edge. She is like totally spaced out all the time and nothing she says makes any sense. It's kind of hilariously awesome. She's probably on Meth again, no biggie.

I would like to encourage everyone that abandoned The Hills to come back. It’s fun over here. I could talk about these people for hours. It never ceases to amuse me and make my Tuesday nights infinitely better (what was up with the change in days, btw?).

I don’t see The Hills coming to an end because of this dramatic loss in viewers, because it’s still MTV’s second-highest-rated show and also number one in it’s time slot in all of television. So eliminating it all together would be a poor choice.

But if Kristin leaves, there could be problems, and by problems I mean I will definitely stop watching. That’s how Laguna stopped being good, that’s for sure.

And the question remains, when will I get Lauren Conrad back in my life!? I bought her book the day it came out… I mean, I pre-ordered it on Amazon and they sent it to me right away. And I read it in three days. I’m not even kidding. It was horrible but I loved every word. I can’t even wait for another book, show or movie. I want it now!!!!

Most sexual couple everrrrrr!!!!!!

Wow, Kyle Howard with facial hair? I will absolutely do it.

When I was younger I hated hated hated facial hair. It scared me a little, but I also just didn't find it attractive at all and it boggled my mind why any man would want to look like that. Well, someone has changed my mind about this. I used to think it was someone I knew who turned me on to facial hair. But then I realized I first became enamored with facial hair from the one and only, Jeremy Sisto. Of Clueless, 6 Feet Under and Law & Order fame. It happened just over a year ago with his premiere on Law & Order. He has changed me, and for that, I thank him... And keep him as my "religious views" on my Facebook profile.

Worst "Scandal" Ever.

2009-10-13T13:35:00.003-04:00

Ok, so am I the only person in the world who thinks this whole David Letterman thing has been blown WAY out of proportion? Maybe I am missing something here, and seriously, stop me if I’m wrong, but as I understand it, he had a relationship (SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP!!!) with someone who worked beneath him (pun intended) on his show. He was not married, but was in a relationship with the woman who he is now married to. Breaking it down: He fucked someone who worked for him.

Well, if that is actually what happened, everyone who has been talking about this for weeks should probably kill themselves. This is life people, I might work in an apartment with a senior citizen now, but there was a time where I worked in an office, with actual other people, with actual sexual beings. And I also talk to friends who currently work in an office with other people (and again, sexual beings). Newsflash: most offices are a fucking cesspool of intercourse.

Before I launch into an oddly defensive defense of David Letterman’s actions, let me say I don’t like David Letterman and his comedy at all. After the first time I saw Norm MacDonald imitate him I decided I could never watch him again, because all of the Dave-isms Norm MacDonald mocked were so accurately annoying that they drove me crazy. Most notably the fact that Dave repeats the same joke/phrase 20+ times throughout any episode of his show.

But, on we go.

Do I think it’s right he cheated on his girlfriend (current wife, but girlfriend at the time of this incident)? NO! Of course not. I think cheating is deplorable and almost look forward to the day someone cheats on me so that I can go absolutely ape-shit crazy on that asshole and probably end up scratching his eyes out. Ok, that’s a little extreme (not the ape-shit crazy part, but the looking forward to someone cheating part)and a lie. Being cheated on has got to be one of the worst feelings in the world.

BUT, do I think that people who are Letterman fans should turn around and say “I’m not watching his show anymore”? No. Get over yourself. The man abused his power. Who doesn’t abuse power when they have it? If I had my own company and a bunch of hot young guys working under me ready to fuck, I’d definitely go for it too (so long as I’m single).

So like, I’m really not sure what the big deal is (since I don’t follow the news) and what aspect of this people are so offended by. Is it the boss having sex with an intern thing? Because there’s a whole show based on that concept, and it’s called Grey’s Anatomy. And if that is what the problem is, get over it and welcome to the real world.

If you think I haven’t had a job where my boss was hooking up with / dating my co-worker, think again. In addition to that, my current boss is now married to someone who used to work for him. So I have yet to hold a job where this issue has not come up. That aspect of this whole thing is so far from a big deal and so commonplace, it’s laughable.

As an intern I had whimsical fantasies about hooking up with some hot reporter/news anchor/show host (I had more than a few in mind). I would have been totally down if I had been approached by one of the men that I was actually interested in (all of whom were approximately 1 million times better looking than David Letterman). That really would have been the way to get the most out of my internship experience.What female intern doesn’t want to hook up with a hot older guy? I have definitely said the words “I want to be the next Monica Lewinsky” many many times in my life. Sometimes the words “skinnier and prettier” are thrown in there too. Don’t worry about it, we’re both Jews.

It definitely would have been an easier task to finagle if my actual intern supervisor was a hot guy. But it was an obscenely overweight woman who’s parting advice to her four interns was to drop out of college should any job in the TV industry come their way. Really stellar advice.

Now I’m just mad at myself for talking about this topic when I’m really annoyed that the rest of the world has decided to keep talking about it. I decided to finally find out what actually happened yesterday because I thought I was missing something here, that he did something so terribly awful that it merited the whole world talking about it for weeks on end. FALSE.

I do like how he handled the situation and broke it down on National Television. Definitely commendable.

But I have to say that the most surprising thing about this is that someone actually willingly had sex with David Letterman. And that is coming from someone (me!) who is constantly/consistently attracted to people who are not even sort of good looking. What. A goon.

Sometimes I Rant Slow, Sometimes I Rant Quick

2009-10-09T11:45:00.006-04:00

Now I will briefly touch on a sitcom I boycotted, came back to because everyone was talking it up, and am boycotting again: The Big Bang Theory.

Is this show for real? I know that people hate shows like 2 And A Half Men because they’re hacky and cheesy and obvious, but I still think it’s good. You can’t watch that show and not laugh. And if you can, you have no soul. But how did The Big Bang Theory become a success? Let me tell you a little story with my relationship with this show.

I either watched the pilot or an episode early on in the first season, obviously, because if CBS puts something on Comedy Mondays, I’m not going to ignore it, that would be sacrilege. So I was like “Oh, this show is pretty obnoxious, not into it.” And didn’t watch it again, which is kind of a big deal for me. I don’t think you understand how much crap I will watch when it comes to TV and film and be totally fine with it. If a show is too bad for me to watch, it’s really fucking bad.

PAR example: I saw Fred Claus in theaters, and enjoyed it. I saw Down To You starring FPJ and Julia Styles (who I hate) and liked that too. I watched the show Welcome to the Captain starring Fran Kranz (yes, that’s his name, and he’s the worst, most obnoxious actor of all time and if he pops up in a nother one of my sitcoms I will fucking find him and scratch his eyes out. The only actor worse than Franz Kranz is Keanu Reeves. The fact that someone in this world would hire Franz Kranz to be in their film or TV show makes me want to cut myself), Chris Klein, Joanna Garcia (loves) Jeffery Tambor, Rochelle Welch. Horrible, awful sitcom. There were 5 episodes.

I also watched The Class, which I’m pretty sure had not one known-named actor in it. Watched every episode. Loved every episode. Am really sad it’s gone. I currently watch ‘Til Death starring Brad Garrett and Joely Fisher featuring JB Smoove (Leon Black from Curb… whose stand up I have seen live) and Shit Break from American Pie.

The point of that little exercise was to show you the kind of crap I watch. And I legitimately love every second of every one of those shows, as explained in my previous post. But now, back to The Big Bang Theory.

I was talking to someone recently who said I should write a spec script for The Big Bang Theory. He was like “that show is so hot right now” and “everyone loves that show”. Also, a good friend of mine, who has a similar taste in bad movies/TV as I also is obsessed with The Big Bang Theory. Well I tried it again. I watched the season premiere a few weeks ago. I had to turn it off mid-way through. What a horrible horrible show.

First of all, the fact that someone that knows me and knows my writing would suggest I try to write an episode of The Big Bang Theory, should seriously check himself. Lets get into the basic plot of the show: Two genius nerds live across the hall from a hot cheerleader babe (who is actually not that pretty at all). And the point of the show is to like laugh at the funny relationship between the two geniuses and the hot girl and see how they get along and interact and blah blah blah. God, the central plot is so boring I’m still confused as to how this even got green-lighted for a pilot. The plot description makes me angry. I know you're angry, I'M angry!!!!

Anyway, so I watched episode one of this season, where one of the nerds starts to hook up with the hot girl as he returns from some science research expedition in Antarctica with his nerd friends. But then all this other stuff starts happening and nerd 1 can’t make it to the bedroom with hot girl because there are issues he needs to tend to. So every time he starts making out with hot girl and something pops up (pun intended), he has to leave her to fix the problem and each time he says “I cannot catch a break here!”

Let me tell you something about the phrase “I cannot catch a break here!”, I love it. I think it’s hilarious and I love using it. I laugh every time I hear it. That being said, I don’t know if I can ever use it again. Within an episode of a sitcom, it’s fine to repeat a funny phrase like that, it becomes like a little inside joke between the viewer and the show. But if you do it more than 3 times it starts to get annoying. I’m not even kidding, I think the nerdy guy said it 4 times in less than 5 minutes. Then, when he said it a fifth time, I turned the TV off, which wasn't easy as I was shaking with rage. Soooooo annoying.

My other issue with this show is the punch lines. Every joke made is like an everyday occurance as explained by a genius in science terms. HOW IS THIS FUNNY!? I get that it’s funny that that’s how these guys talk and the girl doesn’t understand them. But I don’t understand them either. And neither do you. So you might recognize that it’s time to laugh because something funny was said, but you really have no idea what you’re laughing at. Infuriating.

So I invite you to watch an episode (or 5 minutes) of The Big Bang Theory so that you can confirm my theory that his is, in fact, the worst show on television. I was going to post a clip of it from YouTube but I started watching one and vomited all over my computer because it was so awful. Hatred.

Ode to the Sitcom Pilot

2009-10-08T12:28:00.009-04:00

I love sitcoms. They complete me. Seriously. I don’t have a boyfriend, so every night in bed, instead of cuddling or talking or having intercourse, I watch sitcoms. They keep me warm at night. They hold me close when I’m feeling sad. They hold my hair back when I’m sick. They make the world make sense.

As I’ve said before, I feel lost when TV season comes to an end each spring. I look forward to a summer of reality TV and the pressure to actually do something with my life other than lie on the couch or in my bed and watch TV. And that is a world I want nothing to do with. Lies. I’m pretty social. But when I have a night like last Wednesdsay, it makes me wonder why I ever leave my apartment.

ABC is coming at me hard this season. Comedy Wednesday is absolutely fucking genius. Four new sitcoms. Bing. Bang. Boom. NBC might have birthed the modern-day sitcom with classics such as Cheers, Seinfeld, Frasier and Will & Grace, but they have fallen behind. All I know is I saw a promo on NBC that went something like “America, you told us you wanted more comedy, so here’s Jay Leno at 10pm!”

Uh no, NBC. Get your head out of your ass. More Comedy does not mean shifting a show that’s existed for like 15+ years to and earlier time slot. That’s retarded. I have yet to watch the new Leno show, but I’ve heard it’s awful.

So last week I had to watch all four new ABC Comedy Wednesday shows. And the reviews are in: I would recommend 3 of the 4. Kelsey Grammer’s new show, Hank, was OK but not great. Ok, it was pretty bad. I am going to watch every episode but I don’t suggest you do the same unless you have a weird Kelsey Grammer fetish like I do. The show is about a rich family who loses everything and has to move back to their hometown from the big city. I think they go from Chicago to some small town. Something like that. It's like almost too topical to be funny.

Next, Patricia Heaton co-stars in The Middle with the janitor from Scrubs and it’s awesome. Seriously a great show that I think is PERFECT for families to watch together. It actually makes me wish I had a husband and kids just so that we could gather round and watch this show together. Ok, that feeling passed. Phew. It’s sort of like Malcolm in the Middle meets… something. I can’t figure out what, but I like it. It is great. Fun for the whole family.

Then Modern Family, which is absolutely hilarious. I can’t even say anything about it other than you should watch it and laugh out loud the whole time.

And lastly, Courtney Cox’s new show Cougar Town, which had a pretty horrendous pilot but really came at me strong last week. Thumbs up to Court and thumbs up to the producers for creating the funniest / most awesome photo montage every seen on TV in last week’s episode.

If you don't enjoy that, you hate life and you should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. A. Courtney Cox looks amazing B. It makes me want to go out and have the funnest night everrrrrrr C. Single Ladies makes me happy in my heart.

But after those 4 shows, I wasn’t even close to done with sitcoms for the night. I still had The New Adventures of Old Christine AND Gary Unmarried, props to CBS for rocking both Wednesdays and Mondays with sitcoms. You might think I crazy. And maybe I am.... Crazy in love.

Sitcom pilots are so full of hope. Will you laugh with them? Will you laugh at them? Either way, it’s something fresh and new and exciting! It's like a first date but infinitely better. Well, unless it's your first date with me, in which case, there is nothing better. Will you watch any episodes after the pilot? In my world the answer to that is almost always yes. I like to root for the underdog, and when a show starts of with a shaky pilot I like to stick with it. I’m no quitter (when it comes to TV). I like to finish what I’ve started…

Is it because if they get their act together and become popular I can shrug all cool and be like “Yeah, no biggie, watched that shit since Episode 1”? Partially. But it's also because I support the creativity and work that goes into a pilot. And I also find it extremely interested to see which shows the general public ends up getting behind and which shows fail miserably and deciding for myself which of the failed shows should have failed and why and what they could have done differently.

God, I have so much more to say about sitcoms... I haven't even touched on CBS Comedy Mondays, but I’ll leave it at this for today. Don’t forget to watch The Office (Jim and Pam's wedding! Crying already), Park & Recreation and Community on NBC tonight. I talk a lot of shit about NBC but would actually kill a man to work there. And I will always and forever watch their Thursday night line-up. Respect.

"It's my way, or the lame way" - Spencer Pratt, The Hills season premiere

2009-10-02T15:23:00.004-04:00

I hate PCs. I didn’t think I’d become one of these people… I swear I didn't. As I have stated before, I used to hate Mac’s and Mac products. I didn’t get an iPod until way after most people (not my roommate though, I think she held out for like generation 5 iPod, and in the meantime used an “mp3 player” that held something like 75 songs. Ah, memories.) And then when my 3-year old PC was running slow my senior year, it was an Acer (yup, I had a computer by Texas Instruments, and it was basically a 15 lb. TI-83, no biggie) I decided to make the switch.

But I’ve gotten to the point where I legitimately like people less when I find out they have PCs and genuinely like them more when I find out they have Macs. First of all, PCs are slow. They’re ugly and they’re slow - like the contents of a special ED classroom. I’m sorry, ugly and slow people exist, and that’s fine, I’m hating on them at all. But if you could chose attractive, sleek and fast instead, wouldn’t you go with that? Exactly. It’s why people get amniocentesis done. If you can avoid the slow and ugly, you do.

Here’s the thing. I know where you’re coming from. I was a PC until 3 years ago. I get it. We all learned our way around the modern computer by learning the Windows system. It’s confusing and scary to switch to something new. It takes learning and time and I was scared too. And I get not wanting to learn something new! Learning is time consuming and hard and I’d rather just not. I’m way too lazy.

Actually, the way I learned my way around a Mac was by being forced. All the computers in the Journalism Lab at the University of Richmond (whattup 4th floor of Weinstein hall) were Macs. So there I was. A PC in a Mac world. I was so resistant to change. So set in my ways. But I had no way out. I had decided to be a Journalism major, literally all of my classes were going to be in this Mac filled room, I had to learn it.

So I eased my way in. I don’t remember how it happened exactly. But with some help along the way, I figured out how to use a Mac. And once you do that, there’s no better feeling in the world. What an accomplishment. But the thing about learning a Mac is, it’s really not that hard at all. You go to “Macintosh HD” instead of “Start”. And then for your programs you go into “Applications”. That’s it. That’s literally all you need to know about using a Mac. It’s that easy.

As a good friend gchatted me the other day when we were in the midst of boosting each other’s ego’s about how we’ve gotten our entire families to switch over to Macs, “It just works better with everything a person needs in life.” It’s just true. And last time I had the PC vs. Mac argument with a friend one of his main points was that PCs sell so much more than Macs, so obviously they’re better.

A. PCs are cheaper (dollar-wise… but also, obviously quality-wise). B. Just because “more people” like it means it’s better? More people voted for George Bush… Oh wait… I guess that doesn’t work, since George Bush lost the popular vote. But my point there was supposed to be, just because the masses have accepted it, does NOT mean it’s the better option.

If anything, it proves that it’s the wrong decision. Because if you’re going to base your life decisions off of what the majority of the American public is doing, you are going to be watching American Idol every night and your piece of shit computer is going to be the least of your problems.

Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

2009-09-14T12:38:00.007-04:00

Are people serious? I can’t even get over what has transpired in life in the past 24 hours. And by life, I obviously mean pop culture and other people’s lives. From my mental “BBMs from last night” folder I will share this: “This is the most drama filled night of my life”. Have truer words ever been typed?

First of all, Serena Williams. Seriously? In case you didn’t know, she flipped out on a lines judge for calling a foot fault on her at the US Open Semi-Finals yesterday. She yelled at the lines judge saying she would shove the fucking ball down her fucking throat. I mean, think that in your head. But don’t say it out loud. She got a point penalty for it, and it happened to be match point. So she lost. Good.

In her press conference she was talking about how she’d never been in a fight before. Please. Back when she was a newcomer she practically shoved her opponent to the ground once while switching sides. And then blamed her opponent for not moving out of her way and called her a racist. I’m pretty sure all of that happened. I’ve never been a fan of Serena, and I don’t think any of that is going to help her fan base or burgeoning fashion career. I can only hope that she has completely wrecked herself.

Next, Madonna. Get the fuck off of your high horse. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I don’t really care that Michael Jackson Died. Yeah his old music was great, but his greatness was dead long ago. But for Madonna to take the stage at the VMAs to open it with a tribute to Michael Jackson, and to talk about herself the entire time, was reprehensible. Seriously made me feel awkward in my own skin. I don't even have the energy to talk about the content of her bizarre speach, but here is a link since Youtube is not allowing me to embed it. Rude.

The only thing that could have potentially made it even more awkward would be if Madonna had been up there in some scantily clad outfit showing of her man body and oddly taught and muscular old-lady skin in some sort of leotard. Madonna, check yourself.

Onward. I have to say, I saw Kanye at the Jay-Z concert on Friday night and he was acting totally fine (if you didn’t pick that up, that’s me pretending to be friends with Kanye instead of seeing him on a stage from hundreds of yards away). But I don’t know what happened in between then and last night, but that man went crazy. Kanye always pulls moves like this, and it really doesn’t surprise me. Because I happen to know that he’s so obsessed with himself that he actually doesn’t care how ridiculous he gets.

Yeah, talk shit about George Bush in public. Like I care. That obviously made me like him more. And like anyone who likes George Bush listens to Kanye. I’m pretty confident that that Venn Diagram does not have any over lap. He’s done other stupid shit, but this was ridiculous.

You all better appreciate the amazingness of me making my own Kanye/George Bush Venn Diagram. God, if Miss Mirto, my 4th grade teacher and Facebook friend, could see me now... Oh wait, I guess she can...

Poor Taylor Swift. Just a little newcomer who has taken the music scene by storm and she gets booted off the stage by crazy Kanye. Whatever, shit happens. Beyonce obviously handled it gracefully. My favorite part was when Kanye first got on stage and started talking, the camera cut to Beyonce and you could see her mouth, “Oh my God, Kanye” as she was visibly mortified at what was going down. And then when she won in the end, for her groundbreaking, amazing, life changing video, “Single Ladies” (after her mind blowing performance of it), she let Taylor take the stage to finish her acceptance.

I’m actually kind of tearing up thinking about it. How Beyonce said how excited and nervous she was when she was first nominated for a VMA with Destiny’s Child. I was but a wee middle schooler, in love with the song “Say My Name”. Good times. Here is a poor quality video of Beyonce's amazing performance last night.

God. I want to be her. Side note to Beyonce, thanks for feeling so comfortable with me, but I really did not need to see your vagina during your performance of “Single Ladies” last night. Check yourself.

What I did not approve of was that Taylor didn’t emphasize her thanks to Beyonce or compliment Beyonce’s video, which seriously took the world by storm. If you haven’t seen the Single Ladies video I recommend you emerge from the rock you’re living under and take a gander. And I’m kind of pissed this wasn’t talked about more in an appropriate fashion, instead of how Kanye decided to bring it up. Because he had a valid point, he just presented it in the stupidest most horrible way possible.

The thing about Kanye though, is that he’s not going anywhere. He was probably drunk or something and that’s why he did that, but I don’t really think this is going to majorly affect his career. I’m sure he’ll make some sort of public apology. But even if he doesn’t, it really doesn’t matter. Kanye is seriously talented. I’m not a fan of every song he comes out with, but the good ones are really good. A mix of actually seriously artistically good and also really poppy and great. So although Kanye did not check himself, I do not believe he has totally wrecked himself, but that’s just me.

Lady Gaga. What? Like… What? She is apparently at the point where her art is so artsy that it doesn’t make any sense and is really weird and creepy. Like what she did was totally creative, but like you have the chance to be creative in almost any way possible and that’s what you choose to do? To mime your own death on national television via hanging by your arm? That shit was creepy. Seriously seriously creepy.

Lady Gaga seriously needs to check herself.

In closing, I will leave you with the best video/song you will watch/listen to ever.

J. Hova, ya heard?

Men like you are the reason I left Finland.

2009-09-10T12:55:00.006-04:00

I can’t deal with cell phone ringing anymore. Come on people. This is fucking 2009. Get with it. It’s not 1999. Get the fuck out of here with your Nokia ring tone. Or any ring tone at all.

In my mind it is completely barbaric to have your phone on anything but vibrate in most situations.

Par example- Yesterday I was waiting in line at the Post Office. It actually wasn’t that bad, maybe I was just in a good mood or something, but I saw that line snake around the ropes three times and I was like “Good.” I saddled up, whipped out my Blackberry and starting BBM-ing nonsense to anyone and everyone. It’s really a phenomenal way to pass time.

In front of me was a strangely sporty man. I somehow didn’t ever see his face, but he was wearing board shorts, a t-shirt, a white hat, shower-sandal-type sandals (like athletes wear), and had one of those like nylon athlete backpack things with the strings as straps (to the right, to the right, everything you own in the sackpack to the right). But was completely bald. Literally not a hair poked out from his hat anywhere. And a hat only covers like the top half of the back of your head, so I could see half of his hairless head. I assume he shaved it. Maybe he was a swimmer, I don’t know.

So his phone starts ringing. Fine. That’s fine. Everyone has cell phones, they ring, that’s life. His ring tone was annoying as shit. I was listening to it thinking about how I couldn’t wait to write about it and just wishing I could memorize the ring tone so I could find it online somewhere so you all could hear it too. Alas, I forgot the sound the second I exited the Post Office. But it was one of those high-pitched ones. Not like crazy-annoying-dog-whistle high pitch, just higher than normal and more annoying than normal.

Instead of keeping his phone in his front pocket, like a normal man (breast pocket would also be acceptable, but that does not apply in this situation), this guy had it in like a back/side cargo pocket of his bizarre red board shorts. So he waits a couple of seconds once the phone starts ringing, then he reaches down to his low-side-back-cargo-pocket, pulls the Velcro apart to open the pocket, takes the phone out, looks at who’s calling him, opens the phone, keeps looking at it, seemingly confused and astounded that anyone is even calling him, then presses the button to answer. I think the phone rang for, no joke, at least 20 seconds.

This is completely inexcusable and socially unacceptable. It’s one thing if you’re a woman and you have a huge Mary-Kate-Olsen bag so that you can hold it in front of your stomach or to project an image of general smallness of yourself in contrast to your giant oversized bag, and you’re rummaging through it while your face turns bright red because everyone is staring at you and you’re sooooo embarrassed that your phone’s been ringing for more than 5 seconds. I identify greatly with that situation. But for men, your phone is always in your pocket. If it ring, just reach in there and get it. This process should take approximately 3 seconds if at least one of your hands is free.

But then this guy’s phone rings again. And this time it happens when the line is moving forward a little bit. And he’s reading a book and his backpack is on the floor a little behind him. So it’s ringing, he flips the page of his book, it’s ringing, he looks down for his back pack, it’s ringing, reaches back with his foot and pushes it forward so it can be in front of him in line, more ringing, he moves up in line a little bit, ringing, THEN he reaches back to the Velcro side back freakish drug-stash pocket to get the phone out.

At this point it must have been ringing for 40 seconds. I think there was steam blowing out of my ears in the manner of an angry cartoon character, because he kept moving in slow motion and fumbling in the tiny pocket for the phone before finally extracting it and answering it.

And that’s when I decided I had to take a stance. Yes, I have a ring tone, and Yes, it’s the song Paper Planes by MIA. But I haven’t used it in public in forevs. Because it’s rude. It’s inappropriate. It’s bothersome to others. I’ve started putting my ring tone on recently but only when I’m in my apartment because the doorman calls up to me on my cell phone, because apparently I moved apartments and now I live in the future.

Moral of the story: If your phone makes any sort of noise it should either be pleasurable to my ears or make me laugh. If it doesn't meet that criteria, put your phone on vibrate and shut the fuck up.

I Die.

2009-09-04T11:44:00.002-04:00

I know. Legit everyone in the blogosphere (gay) has posted this video this week. But I just have to do it too because I can't stop watching it and laughing hysterically. Finally an internet video I can get behind.

On an unrelated note, True or False: I passed out drunk around midnight, woke up at 2:30, had 2 BBM conversations that each lasted for more than half an hour, fell back asleep at 5:30 after watching 4 episodes of 30 Rock on my computer and then had a sex dream about Bill Paxton.

What is this? Wine opener. I'll take it.

2009-09-03T13:40:00.005-04:00

Bargain shopping is an activity I hold near and dear to my heart. I think I just realized how intense that love is when I moved last week and saw how much shit (read: clothes, accessories… and anything else you buy in stores… or on the street…) I have. The reason I have so much shit is because if something is cheap I will buy it.

I can’t help it though, it’s in my blood. My heart races at the prospect of a good bargain or for paying less than others for something. And my problem is that it doesn’t always have to be something I love. Yes, it is way better when you’re really into something and then find a way to pay less for it. But if something’s really cheap and I think that there is any possibility that maybe one day I might need that thing, I’m going to buy it.

Us Jews do love a good bargain. Have you ever seen a non-Jew in Loehmann’s? Exactly. But Loehmann’s was where I did my high school bargain shopping. My college bargain shopping was mostly in the BP section of Nordstrom, and my current bargain shopping is mostly from the J.Crew sale website, and the occasional sample sale. When J.Crew reformatted their sale website last year I almost had a panic attack. I think actual tears formed in my eyes and I might have gasped and then yelped, “What’s happening!?!” in an office full of people. Whatevs.

So a couple of weeks ago I went to Staples to buy some stuff for work and they had, I shit you not, Staples brand spiral notebooks for 1 cent a pop. ONE. CENT. WHAT!?!??!!? I think I called 3 people from Staples screaming about the 1 cent spiral notebook special. I obviously bought 5 for my office, even though I only needed one. I’m sorry, that offer was just too good to pass up. And now my “company” is 4 cents deeper into the “red” or the “black” or whatever it’s called, but it was worth it. If you tell me something costs 1 cent, you can bet your ass you will have a fistful of pennies within seconds.

Buying things for a crazy bargain price is also my main way of sticking it to the man. That was the one thing I forgot to mention in my sticking it to the man post oh so many months ago.

Another bargain I’m really into right now is ordering from discounted restaurants on Seamless. For those of you who have been living under a rock, aka don’t live in New York, SeamlessWeb is an online food ordering website that restaurants subscribe to. And there a bunch of restaurants on the list that have 10-25% off discounts on your total order, but the discounted restaurants change each day. Sometimes I just browse Seamless to see if anyplace I like has a discount that day, NBD. But when I go to order something and my restaurant has a discount that day, it’s a damn good feeling.

What? LIke it's hard?

2009-08-28T14:56:00.005-04:00

Ok, so I don’t know how I missed this (yes I do, I’ve been in the process of moving and haven’t watched TV in a week. Yes, a whole week. I know, I feel dead on the inside…) but apparently Heidi performed at Miss Universe… Really? Who put this show together and legitimately thought, “Hmm, we need to fill 3 minutes here… I wonder if we can get Heidi Montag!?!?!?”

Well thank god they did, because this is really showcasing how pathetic Heidi is. Yeah, fine, say you have 20-30 orgasms a day. Things like that are just talk. I don't believe it and there's no way to prove it. So whatever. But Heidi has officially put her money where her mouth is with this performance. This is no longer just annoying tweens who watch MTV (and me) talking about Heidi, she’s somehow made an actual entrance into the scene. And it’s incredible.

Lets dissect this performance for a bit, shall we?

Maybe I’ll start off being nice. That would be an interesting change of pace, wouldn’t it? Ok, here it goes: She looks great. I mean her legs look retardedly stumpy (whoopsie, so much for being nice), but her face and body and hair are kind of unbelievable. Maybe the plastic has finally settled, and softened into a more humanlike façade. I think that might be what it is. But whatever, I saw her and I was like whoa, she looks great.

Ok, now we have negative commentary. Here’s where I get to sink my teeth in. First we have the signing. Like it’s one thing to lip synch. Fine, I get it. I’m sure it’s not easy to sing while running around a stage and dancing. But like at least make the lip synching sound like someone’s actually singing it. The music is all so mechanized that there’s no point in even having her pretend like she’s singing it, because she is definitely and positively not. Human voice doesn’t sound like that, sorry.

Next we have the dancing. Oooooohoho, the dancing. Her moves are reminiscent to my 8th grade performance in the Bedford Bistro, aka my middle school’s talent show. Let’s get something straight first, I don’t pretend like I’m a good dancer. I’d much rather dance really spazzy and laugh at myself and have other people laugh at me then attempt to do any sort of sexy move out on the d-floor, because that would be highly embarrassing. My latest dance move is called the hula hoop and it consists of pretending like you have a hula hoop around your waist.

But this is the definition of someone who really thinks they look good at what they're doing. And maybe it's not her fault. She has Spencer in her ear telling her she looks great and is doing great every step of the way. So that's probably part of it. But it also reminds me of a bunch of middle schoolers busting out some moves that a high school cheerleader taught them and legitimately believing they're hot shit. Especially when you see Heidi's moves in contrast with those of her backup dancers, who can actually dance.

Heidi is really trying to be a seductress in this performance, can I even call it that? And if you were just looking at her face, you would totally be seduced. But you're not. Her moves are atrocious. Seriously, Britney Spears’ moves take a sloppy shit on Heidi’s attempt at a dance performance. You're not a dancer, Heidi. You should not try to dance. You should probably never dance in public again, let alone on a nationally (internationally?) broadcasted show.

The outfit is also Heidi trying to be Britney. Sorry hun, you don’t make the cut. Yeah your body looks great, but don’t try to steal the nude with sparkles onesie from Britney. It’s not happening. But the cool black stripes down the sides of the pants, that totally jazzes it up and makes it your own (sense the sarcasm).

I don’t even know what else to say about this. I just want to watch it on repeat for the rest of my life.

Oh my god. I thought I was done writing, and then I went to look up Heidi's Playboy interview and I just had to share Spencer's response to Heidi asking him how many phones he has:

I have one…two [takes phones out], three, four—four with me today. The Nokia N95 is for video content, and the BlackBerry is best for e-mails because they get pushed the fastest. The iPhone is for my blogging and to tap TMZ, Perez Hilton or Us Weekly, and the Sidekick is for my Twitter army—400,000 and growing. If I mix these gadgets up, business will shut down for the day.

I highly recommend reading the whole interview. Amazing.

And I also just realized that Heidi's moves remind me of Ariana, except not as good...