Amazon Is Ruining My Life

Is that the biggest overstatement of the century? Definitely. Because once I explain to you why AMAZON IS RUINING MY LIFE you’re going to be like “Oh, that’s not a big deal”. And it’s not. If anything, this is “GRINDS MY GEARS” status at best. 

If you’ve been on Amazon lately you might have noticed little virtual tags on some lower priced items that read “add-on item”. But there’s also a good chance you didn’t notice it and you tried to add an item to your bag and you couldn’t check out. This, is one of those stories.

A few years ago I was trying to order a sweater shaver. You may or may not be aware of what that is. But if you don’t live in tropical climates, a sweater shaver is highly necessary because sweaters pill and look worn out quite quickly sometimes. The sweater shaver makes your sweater look brand new. It is a wonderful invention.

I even google imaged a before and after for you. So you can see with your own eyes, how great the sweater shaver is..

Anyway... It was the depths of winter 2010. No one was using the term “Polar Vortex” because that didn’t exist until like yesterday as far as I’m concerned. But yeah, it was cold. My sweaters were looking shabby. I went on Amazon to buy a sweater shaver.

It’s so cheap! That’s awesome! Under $10 and my entire sweater collection will be revitalized! I am killing it, you guys!

Nope. I had it loaded into my cart and NO WHERE did I see a button for check out. I thought I was going insane. I thought Sir Ashton Kutcher HIMSELF was punking me in an elaborate plan to prevent me from checking out on Amazon. I’ve done enough online shopping in my day to know there is always a way to give people your money. And it’s usually pretty easy (having your credit card number memorized always helps).

I honestly don’t remember the details of how I finally discovered this was an “add-on item”, but that’s exactly what it is. And NOW, in 2014, from inside the #PolarVortex, there is an explanation. Which I have pasted here:

I’m glad this is helping you keep your prices low, but WHAT GOOD ARE LOW PRICES IF I CAN’T ACTUALLY PURCHASE THE PRODUCTS!?!?!?!??! Zero.

And maybe you don’t live in NYC and you have Amazon Prime and like my mother you think it’s INSANE that I don’t order my paper towels and toilet paper from Amazon Prime. But if you think I have storage space for a 24-pack of paper towels, you’re fucking high.

I ended up buying my sweater shaver from Bed Bath and yes, my sweaters are all looking amazing. But still, add-on items haunt me. Currently the add-on items in my cart are the throat lozenges promoted by Martha Stewart in the creepiest video you will ever watch ever. And also some Rose Water spray, because Rose has a higher vibrational frequency!!!! JK, hippie nonsense, I just like how it smells. 

I will not-so patiently await (it's already been like a month!!!) to have a more expensive item to order from Amazon Prime so that I can get all of my inexpensive items as well. And I will NOT be happy about it.

Lots and lots of TV Nonsense

I know it’s really early in the year, but the best day of the month and possibly the year (maybe we should just say best day of this winter? Still too extreme?) is fast approaching. That day is January 12. This Sunday. God's day. JK, THERE IS NO GOD!!! LOL!!!

Why January 12, you ask? Is it because it’s EXACTLY 3 months before my 29^th birthday? Maybe a little. You're almost 30 and you're writing a blog about TV and you wrote "JK" and "LOL" in the first paragraph? You betcha! I'm the king of the world!!!!

Something magical is happening on the television on January 12. Neigh, there are multiple magical things happening on the television that night. And I’m going to start telling you all about them. As I work through this list you’ll probably think “Oh, this is the last one.”  BUT YOU’RE WRONG! This list is as close to endless as a list about TV airing in one night can get. Which is, of course, not endless at all. But in my dreams, every night is a glorious endless night of new and amazing television. Wow, I sound super social and fun loving. It's a real wonder that I'm single.

I will start with possibly the most polarizing of this list - GIRLS.

GIRLS IS BACK!!!! And not just one episode of GIRLS, TWO EPISODES OF GIRLS!!!!!!

I won’t bore you with a praisingly obsessed and borderline psychotic tirade about how amazing GIRLS is because I started to write that and there was just SO MUCH TO SAY. So that’s going to get its very own post that you shall see one day in the not-so-distant future. NEXT!

The Golden Globes. When my roommate mentioned this as part of the January 12 line up the other day my response was “meh”. Award season is exhausting. Not only is it extremely and embarrassingly indulgent (a bunch of skinny beautiful people loving and praising each other) AND long (pre-show + awards, oy!) but also emotionally exhausting to watch shows and movies that you love, lose AND watch things that you absolutely hate, win. IF JIM PARSONS OR MODERN FAMILY WIN ONE MORE AWARD I'M GOING TO LOSE IT!!! Also, I’m not good at losing. Just ask the New Canaan mother who heard me shit talk her daughter when we lost “States” my freshman year on the tennis team. She was not pleased. And it wasn’t even my match. BUT THEY WERE CHEATING, YOU GUYS!!!!

BUT! THE GOLDEN GLOBES ARE HOSTED BY AMY POEHLER AND TINA FEY! Aka, I am 100% sold. If there’s a harder sell than TFey and APole, I don't know it.

Shameless.  If you haven’t watched this show, you have got to GYST (get your shit together). It is unlike any other show ever to exist (except maybe the British show that it's based on...). Equal parts comedy and drama. Equal parts awesome and awesomer. I will say it lost its footing a little this past season (cough cough, Grandma Gallagher, cough cough) and although they did pull a Homeland Season 3 finale before Homeland even pulled a Homeland Season 3 finale, I have high hopes that everything will return to being awesome and amazing and hilarious and heart warming and happy and sad simultaneously.

FYI – the show is about an impoverished family, lead by an alcoholic father, in Chicago that uses their sheer wit to get by. And friendships and relationships and family and all that jazz. Honestly, if you watch the first few episodes and aren’t immediately hooked, there’s something wrong with you deep in your soul.

Episodes.  Another Showtime instant classic. I feel like Episodes hasn’t really picked up a following and I don't know why. Too insidery? Perhaps. But you show me a TV show that's ABOUT a TV show and I will run, not walk, to my closest TV. And if someone from the Friends cast and is going to be in a show that isn’t horrible, I am going to watch that show. Honestly, I will probably watch it even if it is horrible. Actually, not really, since Mr. Sunshine was really really really really bad. I think I only watched the first two eps. Maybe more... But I will swear by Cougar Town being a legitimate and hilarious show UNTIL THE DAY I DIE.

But in Episodes, Matt LeBlanc’s award-winning performance as himself is beyond hilarious. And also there are British people involved and if you know me at all you know I can’t say no to some cheery/cheeky British accents. Paired with dry British humour, of course. CHEERS!

And lastly, True Detective. This breaks my mold as I don’t typically sign on to hour-long crime dramas unless they start with the word "Law" and end with the word "Order". BUT, not only did I just watch Edtv over staycation, but I love both Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey. Put them together? Yes. Why they ever do anything apart is really beyond me. This series looks like it was made just for them and is going to be great. Unless it's horrible. Then that will be sad.

Ok, so maybe that list wasn't anywhere close to as long as I thought. But it's a lot for one night. And I will say that I originally thought LOOKING was also on January 12. LOOKING is the new GIRLS but with gay guys and based in San Fran. I couldn't be more excited. But it's on the next Sunday -- January 19.

If we're TBCH-ing (to be completely honest...ing) here right now, I will admit that I did read this pilot and was not in love with it. But still sent a cold e-mail  with my resume to the showrunner via some serious  HBO stalking and asked to work on it. And never heard back, obvi! And then they put my FAVORITE SONG in their teaser and I was like SOLD! Say "Sold" again. Sold!!!!!!!!!

Alright. That's it from me! Almost...

Here is what my DVR will be looking like this 2014 winter:

Thursday January 2:

Community, 8pm on NBC

Sunday January 5:

Downton Abbey, 9pm on PBS

Tuesday January 7:

Pretty Little Liars, 8pm on ABC Family

Brooklyn Nine-Nine, 8:30pm on Fox

New Girl, 9pm on Fox

The Mindy Project, 9:30pm on Fox

Trophy Wife, 9:30pm on ABC

Cougar Town, 10pm on TBS

Thursday January 9:

Parks and Recreation, 8:30pm on NBC

Monday January 13:

How I Met Your Mother, 8pm on CBS

Tuesday January 14:

Kroll Show, 10:30pm on Comedy Central

Wednesday January 15:

Suburgatory, 8:30pm on ABC

Sunday January 19:

Looking, 10:30pm on HBO

Friday February 7:
The Winter Olympics!!!!!! on NBC

Friday February 14:
House of Cards on Netflix

Thursday February 27:
Portlandia at 10pm on IFC

A more complete list of returning shows can be found here.

The Best Nonsense of 2012: Movie Edition

I quick note to you, the reader, after a not-so-brief hiatus from spewing nonsense... Thanks for reading. I missed you. And I will start this off by saying most, but not all, of the material below are 2012 originals. I threw a couple of 2011 classics in there because I love them just as much, if not more, than I did in 2011. Or I didn't discover it until 2012. OK!?!?!?!?!

The Best Movies of 2012

I mean, the fact that no one made a Glee-style movie (Glee 3D Concert Movie does not count) is just silly. I mean, I’m mad at myself for not doing it. Honestly. Almost as mad at myself as I am for not patenting my idea of… that thing I thought of that time that is now just everywhere. Everywhere, I say! Movies with great soundtracks are my favorite. And this movie doesn’t just have a great soundtrack, it’s a soundtrack filled with amazing old school beats such as No Diggity (my mom’s favorite song out of the pop music I made her listen to in our Toyota Sienna minivan when she carted me around in middle school), I Saw The Sign (the first Compact Disc I ever owned, which I received as a Chanukah gift in ‘93), Hit Me With Your Best Shot, Let’s Talk About Sex, and the theme song to the Breakfast Club. There are also plenty of current hits as well. If you’ve ever seen Glee, you know how this goes down. But this is way better. And way less charicature-y. And better. And because the kids are college age it's less icky/disturbing when they hook up. 

Oh, and Brittany Snow is in it and I will literally watch anything she's in. And it should be noted I hated Anna Kendrick until I saw this movie, even though it's a total rip off of Bring It On but with acapella competition instead of cheerleading competition. If Kiki Dunst and Eliza Dushku starred in this instead of Bring It On I probably would have shit my pants. But yeah, it's the Bring It On of 2012. Watch it. Download the soundtrack. Listen to it all the time. Work out to it. Cry to it. I haven't done any of those things (I've done all of those things). 

And anything that Rebel Wilson does is going to be just silly hilarious. She is the blonde & young Melissa McCarthy and she can do no wrong. 

ON TO THE NEXT ONE!

If I wrote a romantic comedy, this is what I’d want it to be. It’s kind of like 500 Days of Summer in that whole “This isn’t a Love Story” kind of love story . And indie. And an amazing soundtrack, that’s also pretty indie. And one of my favorite people of 2012, Chris Messina, is in it. But the stars, Andy Samburg and Rashida Jones (who also co-wrote it) are amazing. And their best friends, one of my other favorite people of 2012, Ari Graynor, (also in the next movie I'm going to rant about) and Eric Christian Olsen are really great too. Everyone is just so perfect. The guy who co-wrote the movie with Rashida Jones is also in it as their good friend and drug dealer. Oh yeah, they smoke a good amount of pot, so what's not to love? And you know I'm going to also love any movie where something like this happens:

That's just, too amazing for words. 

Next!

This movie is the good kind of bad. But like, if you take the time to realize, it’s actually not bad at all. Ok, it’s amazing. I’m obsessed with it. I’ve taken to a strict rule of If “What’s Your Number?” is on, I watch it. Which is why I’m watching it right now. It’s fantastic to focus on and also for background noise. And Chris Evans is ridiculously good looking and sexy. 

In like a way that you're not so sure of at first and then as the movie progresses you become very sure of. And I guess Ana Faris is too? If you like people who look super plasticky… But pull it off because they’re so hilarious. Until this movie it bothered me how dumb Ana Faris always sounds. And it’s not what she’s saying. It’s how she says it.  But with this movie somehow that falls away and hilarity ensues.

What kind of single girl antics with this Boston late 20s / early 30s blonde get into next?? It’s up to you to find out! And just in case I haven’t convinced you, because I'm not sure I've convinced myself with this little write up (and I’ve seen the movie 20+ times in the last 4 months) it was co-written by Jennifer Crittenden, who produced/wrote for the following shows (which I will list in most impressive to least impressive in my taste): Seinfeld, Arrested Development,The New Adventures of Old Christine, Everybody Loves Raymond, The Simpsons, The Drew Carey Show. If that’s not a sure sign of success, than I don’t know what is. And yeah, it’s more of a girl movie than a guy movie. But if you’re a guy who can manage to put down their video game remote control for long enough to enjoy a RomCom, get into it. 

And finallyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

If you ever wondered what a 2+ hour episode of Homeland would be like, this is the answer. I've been having issues this past year with movies I already know the endings to ( i.e. Hitchcock -- "Omigosh, are they going to release Psycho even though there's partial nudity and blood!?!? And a shot of a toilet!?!" Clutches chest and gasps/faints. Yes... yes... Psycho gets released and is a big success and this movie did a horrible job at creating real suspense or doubt of that...)  But Zero Dark Thirty is 2 and a half hours you will not regret and that you will not once look at your watch/phone during and will not once shift around if your seat uncomfortably because who wants to sit in a not-so-comfortable movie theater seat for over 2 hours!?!?!? No one does. No one. My legs are cramping just thinking about it. 

My favorite part of the experience of seeing this movie was the old man talking to himself behind me. When they (SPOILER ALERT but not really because we all know what happens) shoot Osama Bin Laden dead this old guy in super old man voice goes "That's him." It was amazing. Ask me to do the voice for you next time you see me. You won't regret it. 

And Chris Pratt is amaz hilar in it. And there are great guest cameos throughout. And you would think that after Argo it's like, enough with these highly intense dramas about Middle Eastern drama, but it's not. I want more! Homeland season 3, when do you start!?!?! But seriously, and I don't say this a lot, I literally cannot imagine someone not enjoying Zero Dark Thirty. I really don't think it's possible. 

Honorable Mentions: Argo, Arbitrage, ****Bachelorette**** (Am I being lazy for not writing about this? Maybe. See it. I'm obsessed), For A Good Time Call 

Worsts: Nobody Walks, Django, Les Mis, Skyfall, ***Looper*** (Movie I hated most this year)

my segment with sara on the TODAY show!

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Go see a funny movie!

Last week I was lucky enough to see Wanderlust starring Jennifer Aniston, Paul Rudd, Justin Theroux, and Malin Ackerman. I give this film two thumbs up, but it’s definitely not for everyone. From members of the comedy crew who brought us Wet Hot American Summer and who are originally from the 1990s MTV sketch show The State, Wanderlust has many oddities and a non-mainstream vibe, but if you don't LOL throughout, then you're a stupid face.



First things first – I was super excited to see the movie in which Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux fell in love. A quick word on why I love Jennifer Aniston – I’m not sure why. But I’m legit obsessed with her and think she’s perfect. I typically have a hatred (like a really strong and angry hatred) for people who don’t have a very defined personality (as she has been accused of), wet blankets, if you will. But like Lauren Conrad, I love her anyway and want only the best for her in life. And I want to be her. Did you just put Jennifer Aniston and Lauren Conrad in the same sentence? Yes. Yes, I did. Ok, moving on…

What happens is Linda (Jennifer Aniston) and George (Paul Rudd) want to take the next step in their married life – buying an apartment in New York City. The opening scene is with their realtor, an old woman, who somehow ends up talking about her blind husband and how she can get him off with one flick of her wrist. So yeah, if that kind of crassness offends you or isn’t up your alley, then this movie probably isn’t for you cause it gets more offensive and gross (but, in my opinion, an amazing way).

George and Linda end up buying a super expensive teeny tiny studio in the West Village (which, honestly looks really cute and cool even if they do have to sleep on a Murphy bed). George loses his job and they have to give up the apartment and move to Atlanta to live with his dickish brother Rick (Ken Marino, who also co-wrote the movie) in Atlanta.

On the way they stumble across an Inn and end up staying the night. They find out it’s not an Inn, it’s a commune, or as the members refer to it, an “intentional living” community, which is unofficially led by Seth (Justin Theroux). Linda and George have an amazing night hanging out, smoking pot, skinny dipping in the lake, and having sex without falling asleep in the middle of it, all that good stuff.



Anyway, blah blah blah they end up wanting to give commune living a shot, because they have nothing else to do. I would say “and hilarity ensues” but it’s seriously been ensuing this whole time. Paul Rudd is absolutely excellent. At the top of his game, really. I thought he was funny enough in I Love You Man but this brings that to the next level, because unlike that movie, this one is actually hilarious.



The audience laughed out loud at least once every 5 minutes. If you’re a fan of David Wain’s (the director and co-writer) work – Wet Hot American Summer, Role Models, Stella, Children’s Hospital—you will definitely like this and LOL even more often than that (which I did). It’s that kind of humor that’s, to borrow IFC’s catchphrase, is “always on, slightly off”. Besides the random / not-so-random nudity in this movie (there is a slow-mo scene of naked old people running and one of the characters is a nudist), there’s just the general feel that this movie is different. And so great. SO GO SEE IT!

The best show you're not watching

In case you haven’t heard, Cougar Town is not about Cougars. It’s an uh-mah-zing, hilarious and fun sitcom about a group of friends who drink a ton of wine, hang out all the time, and make fun of each other. As creator Bill Lawrence says, it’s a show about “adult friendship”.



Bill Lawrence was also the mind behind Scrubs and Spin City. Basically, the guy knows what he’s doing and he’s fucking hilarious. Unfortunately, he named his show “Cougar Town”, which he freely admits is the worst show title ever. And it’s hard to explain to people that this show is NOT. ABOUT. COUGARS. What’s not to love about a show that refers to drinking wine as “pounding grape”?!?!?! That’s just the tip of the iceberg of awesomeness that is this show. And if you liked Scrubs, you'll like this. And if you didn't like Scrubs, get your shit together. AND if you're going to start watching Cougar Town, DO NOT watch the first 6 episodes of season 1. The show was still getting it's footing and is in no way representative of the series. K thanks.



For the past month of so Cougar Town has been doing an impressive grass roots effort to get the word out about their show – throwing viewing parties in various cities (using their own time and money) where they show two episodes from the upcoming third season, which premieres on ABC tonight at 8:30. I was SUPER psyched to attend one of the two the NYC viewing parties at the Paley Center on Saturday night with the full cast plus co-creators Bill Lawrence and Kevin Biegel.



The two episodes we saw were excellent. LOLs filled the room throughout both. Although I have to say I do prefer watching this show from my couch with a nice wine buzz that keeps me constantly giggling as opposed to in a theater with 100+ super fans who were legit screaming at things like the appearance of Ted Buckland (the lawyer from Scrubs) and his acapella group “The Blanks”, which was exciting but not scream-worthy.



There is also a short but sweet Scrubs reunion scene at the end of one of the episodes. But I couldn’t hear anything anyone said in it because of the spastic squeels from the super fans. I mean, I def also screamed when I saw Zach Braff’s face, but whatever. My favorite part of the Q & A was when someone asked why he had a Scrubs reunion scene, Bill answered “Because I wanted to do a Scrubs reunion scene!” duh!



Anyway, during the panel talk, moderated by TVLine.com's Michael Ausiello, it became clear not only that Bill Lawrence is the captain of the awesome ship that is “Cougar Town” but also that the cast is a group of friends who love each other and have a lot of fun working together.

So the moral of the story is you should definitely give Cougar Town a shot. I know it’s Valentine’s Day but if you could at least record it and check it out, I think you will fully enjoy. And although you don’t HAVE to pour yourself a large glass of pinot (grigio or noir, it’s up to you), it’s highly encouraged that you do.

Sounds so soulful don’t you agree?

Ew, she's not going to continue a post about something that happened almost two weeks ago, is she? You're fucking right I am. It's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday.

And so it continues...

4. Chris Brown – I wasn’t totally sure how I felt about him since he beat Rihanna and also threw a chair through the window at the Good Morning America. I do think I was already on my way to forgiving him since A. he spits hot fire and B. every other song Rihanna has come out with since the incident has been about rough sex. At this point I’ve convinced myself that she literally said “hit me” to him. But that performance… WOW. His dance moves are on the same level as JTimbs and Usher. Mad skillz. He was literally flying. He defies gravity. I was like “Wait, am I attracted to him?” and then I was like “No, his face like isn’t attractive…” and then I was like “When has that ever stopped me?”

Get More: 2011 VMA, Music, Chris Brown

5. Adele – Classic and well done. Loved how it was lit from behind and kind of looked like an old movie. BUT I was watching the VMAs to dance... While laying on my couch… Alone. And since I’m dead on the inside I’m like not that into an emotional performance. But I guess I'm not actually dead on the inside because I did cry 8+ times during the show and during Adele was not one of them.





6. Britney – The Britney tribute was one of the most amazing parts of the whole show, but I did feel like I was extremely shortchanged. It's 90 seconds, which is WAY too short to squeeze in all of Brit's hits (stop, you love it when I rhyme). WITH THAT BEING SAID – holy shit what a bomb-ass performance. They got almost all of the major hits in AND they incorporated outfits and dance moves from each of the music videos. If I was Britney I would have cried... I’m me and I bawled hysterically. Also, hearing all the Britney songs at once like that really brought upon an acid-style flash back of my entire life. It was like traveling time. I am… the time traveler's wife. But also, were those little people, regular people or actual children? I really still don't know and I've watched it 8 times.

Get More: 2011 VMA, Music

7. Beyonce – I mean at this point I think we can all feel the love growing inside her. What an amazing line. And that song, it got a little long/repetitive at the end, but its still really good. I think it's what happiness sounds like. I think it's what the love growing inside her sounds like. It's like Dream Girls meets Jersey Boys meets The Shirelles meets Amy Winehouse (more to come on her soon) meets Doo-wop.

Get More: 2011 VMA, Music, Beyoncé

8. Young the Giant – ok well this started out with a super awkward intro from Jared Leto in a dress and Zoe Saldana looking pissed off and constipated. And because of that, I couldn’t even really concentrate on what they were actually saying. But I did catch that this was Young the Giant’s debut at the VMAs but no one told us how they were found or discovered or why they were chosen or what their fucking story is. So that was annoying because I bet there’s a good story there (which there is and can be found HERE). Their song was awesome and I have since downloaded their CD. It makes me really really happy (to the point of tears) when I see people doing something that they obviously really love and are passionate about and do well. I mean, that’s why I cried every episode of Girls Next Door… Wait what??? Anyway, the band’s 250 fans that came from Irvine, CA to see them were so fun. Also the set/stage design and lighting for their performance was super cool. I was really really into it.

Get More: 2011 VMA, Music, Young The Giant

9. Amy Winehouse – I’m not going to lie, I wasn’t that upset about Amy Winehouse’s death until the VMAs. I guess I just didn’t really realize how good she was. I knew she was good and I have more than a few of her songs, but I don’t know, seeing it all together like that was pretty emotional. And hearing someone as old as Tony Bennett talk about how legit her talent was and seeing video of them recording together at Abbey Road... Tear-jerker central. Then Bruno Mars’ performance? WHOA! What a voice. And those dance moves? Yes. Please. What a talent.

Get More: 2011 VMA, Music, Tony Bennett

Get More: 2011 VMA, Music, Bruno Mars

And holy Bruno Mars. What a performer. What a voice. What a mover and a shaker. Loved. And also Russell Brand managed to do a tribute that wasn't sappy and was really awesome. He's great. If you didn't fall in love with him after he hosted SNL earlier this year, then you're just silly.

Thus endeth my VMA recap.