I just want to go home and watch that show about midgets and eat a block of cheese.

If you live in New York City, there is virtually zero chance that you have not seen this:



The ad for the Dunkin Donuts tuna sandwich is EVERYWHERE. Inside the subway, outside the subway, on buses, on telephone booths. Everywhere I look all I see is a gross fucking tuna sandwich on a bagel being pedaled by Dunkin Donuts.

First of all, it has 700 calories. Seriously, I discovered the nutritional information while I was searching for a pic.

Second of all, this is DISGUSTING. I have an issue with tuna. A huge issue with tuna. I think it’s gross. And I almost never eat it. I will only eat it if I prepare it for myself. Ordering tuna is something I have never done and something that I never will do. In trying to figure out why I am so vehemently against ordering tuna in any sort of venue, I remembered an occurrence that happened to me in Middle School.

My mom and I drove to Bagels & More one fateful morning when I was in the 6th grade. I ordered my regular, which at that point was Super Cinnamon & Raisin toasted with cream cheese (amazing). It wasn’t the first bite, nor the second, but at some point I bit into my bagel and had an odd taste in my mouth – tuna. It wasn’t like a full bite of tuna, but at some point someone must have switched the knives in the tuna and the cream cheese and there was an unmistakable and unwanted taste in my 12-year-old mouth at 8am that morning.

The worst part was that the taste wouldn’t go away. I spit out the tuna bite and then was obviously overcome by nausea (if you know me at all you know that that is a constant in my life) and confusion. I didn’t have a tooth brush with me, I was getting out of a minivan in front of Bedford Middle School late for homeroom with Miss Homscheid. I somehow found a Jolly Rancher in my teal LL Bean back pack (this just got way Middle Schooly) and used that to cleanse my palate.

So after some real soul searching and self-psychoanalyzing, I have decided that is why I hate tuna. Although, as I said, I will eat it if I make it myself. But now Dunkin Donuts has brought out a tuna sandwich. And they're advertising it EVERYTHING. And this is just not OK. I used to be obsessed with Dunkin Donuts, and although I still believe in their magical powers (if you haven’t had the wake up wrap or the iced tea, you are a fool) I just don’t go that much. I stopped drinking coffee. I stopped eating breakfast. I get my bagels from Lenny’s now. Whatever.



But now… Nowwwwwwww, I have the debilitating fear that if I ever order food from Dunkin Donuts it is going to be prepared with a utensil that has been cross contaminated with tuna. Ew. I was talking to a friend about this and they agreed, “I don’t want tuna anywhere near anything I would order at Dunkin Donuts”. Amen, sister.

And also, Dunkin Donuts, it’s about time for you to calm the fuck down. There is no way people are actually buying their non-breakfast food from Dunkin, is there? I mean, I think it’s weird that I’ve never tried one of their non-breakfast panini’s because I usually operate under the assumption that everything Dunkin Donuts touches turns to gold (that’s just science). And I also like experimenting with new and limited time only food. But for some reason, I was never up for wasting a full meal on a questionable panini or pizza from Dunkin.

I think if I knew someone that ordered a tuna sandwich from Dunkin Donuts I would have to stop being friends with them immediately. I just really cannot get into the mindset of anyone who would think that would socially acceptable.

Unable To Curb My Enthusiasm

I don’t know what you people think you’re doing with your lives, but when Curb airs an episode, not just of a reunion of the Seinfeld characters, but an actual episode of the Seinfeld reunion, you don’t watch a fucking football game instead. Oh wah wah wah, Manning vs. Brady. Yeah, I get it, they’re both really good looking, and if they’re going to be fumbling each others’ balls all night, I’d watch it too. Or even just to see their faces, because if you want to deny that those two aren’t extremely good looking, you’re out of your goddamn mind.

Anyway, as my trusty blog readers, most of you are not random fans, (but shout out to those who are!!!!) most of you are my friends and family. And most of you know that I have a borderline psychotic obsession with Jerry Seinfeld. And yes, he’s been on Curb numerous times already this season. But. But but but but but, this week was different. This week was a peek into the actual (albeit fake) Seinfeld reunion!!!!!!!



Does anyone know how big of a deal this is for me? I guess I didn’t really understand the gravity of the situation until I was a few minutes into the episode. But even as I was frantically texting my fellow Sein-o-files during the episode, no one seemed to be watching. The main culprit (other than one friend who decided to fall asleep at approx 8pm), you ask? Fucking football. And a few others who apparently just can’t seem to get their shit together to watch the airing of this episode, which occurred at 9pm, 10pm, 11pm and midnight on HBO. If HBO is replaying an episode on the night of its premiere 3 additional times, you should probably drop everything you’re doing and fucking watch that shit.



In this amazing and life-altering episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, we see the table read and then the beginnings of rehearsals for the “Seinfeld Reunion”. This is basically, an actual Seinfeld Reunion.

Let me fill you in on some plot lines, where we pick up with the gang a whopping 11 years after the series finale (SPOILER ALERT, I'M HOLDING NOTHIN BACK!):

Jerry has donated his sperm to Elaine and she now has a daughter and they argue whether or not she should know if Jerry is her biological father (she has been calling him Uncle Jerry).

George lost all of his money with Madoff and is divorced, but his wife managed to get her half of the money out of Madoff as soon as their divorce was final and because of this he is trying to get back together with her. George made a bunch of money because he made an iPhone application he that lets you know where the closest/nicest toilet is (amazing).

I forget what Kramer’s up to. I will have this info after I rewatch this episode multiple times this week... and for the rest of my life.

And of course, since all episodes of Seinfeld come full circle (including the entire series beginning and ending with the same conversation about button placement), this one begins with a conversation about George blowing his nose into a cloth napkin in a restaurant and ends with George about to blow his nose into a cloth napkin and a freeze frame on the gang reaching out to stop him and screaming “NOOOOO!”

All I can say is, I absolutely love the direction this is going in. The Seinfeld reunion seems to be the perfect blend of things that have happened on Curb (because obviously Larry David is inspired by things that happen in his own life) and new original plot ideas thought up by Jerry and Larry. At one point the two of them, in their office, have a ridiculously hilarious conversation and you can just visualize that this is how they write the show. Conversations just like that one. (I'll also figure out this specific conversation in my rewatch)

Then, to bring in more of real life occurrences, Michael Richards gets agitated with Leon, who happens to be standing with two other black people, for lying to him, and in a fit of rage he screams “If only there was a word I could use to make you as angry as I am right now!” (Richards' real life racist rant) I have to say, not only was Michael Richards a great sport about that, but you also get a glimpse into where he was coming from. Different people defended him after the incident (Jerry did on Letterman) but that didn’t do it justice. I totally get where Michael Richards was coming from now. I’m not saying it was right. I’m just saying it seems less crazy now, more contextual.

So many other ridiculous and hilarious things are going on in this episode outside of the Seinfeld Reunion that I can't even begin to go further into them.

But next week, ooooooooh next week. Next week is when we(I) hit it big. Next week is when they "film" the fake Seinfeld Reunion and Larry starts getting outlandish ideas about changing the episode and trying to convince everyone they're good ideas when no one likes them. A common conversation/argument in this episode (in addition to past episodes) is the conversation that the Seinfeld Series Finale was a failure. In an earlier episode this season, when the reunion is first posited to the actors, Jason Alexander says "I guess it will give us a chance to go out on a good note". It is going to be one amazing Sunday Funday.

So please get to your closest TV and watch Curb on demand ASAP!!!!

SNL is bad.

SNL, why are you so bad? No, seriously. I've always heard people say time and again that Lorne Michaels is a genius and the best producer anyone anywhere has ever had the privilege of working with but has that man lost all regard for comedy? I don't even understand how SNL is so bad because I really do love so many of the cast members. Alas, SNL is so bad that it makes me sad all day long... And all Saturday night long... Or more like all Sunday morning long when I usually watch it on DVR. Whatever.

First of all, I’ve decided to blame Simon Rich for this whole mess. That pissy little boy genius has totally rubbed me the wrong way (He is a writer on SNL and is 24-years old). Someone recommended his book to me, “Ant Farm” and I actually want to scream when I read it. It’s someone who thinks they are so witty that they don’t need to be funny. Maybe it’s just not my cup of tea, because as you can see from my own comedic prowess, I prefer a long-winded rambling story to laugh at, which is also executed in a way that makes me laugh. But this book is like soooo fucking arrogant I can't stand it.

It’s the kind of shit that when you read it, you can tell the person who’s writing it thinks they’re hilariously funny and is also smugly aware that you aren’t really getting it and it makes it that more funny to them. And that gives off the vibe that they think they’re better than you. Let me tell you somethin, Rich, I get it. I get every bit of it. And it’s a fucking obnoxious brand of humor that I want nothing to do with.

Alienating your audience because you're too high brow for the masses is not what Saturday Night Live is supposed to do. Keep that from the Harvard Lampoon (of which he was the president) where your audience is probably as obsessed with their own intelligence as you are with yours. Your intelligent audience is not sitting at home at 11:30pm on a Saturday night watching SNL. They might be reading, or out doing something intellectually stimulating… or drinking. Either way, SNL is seriously the wrong venue for the humor that only a select few understand. I’m not saying to dumb it down for the audience, because that’s ridiculous. I’m saying to stop being a fucking asshole.

Ant Farm is a total “bathroom book”. Every “entry” or chapter or whatever the fuck you want to call it is like 2 pages long. The book contains short “witty” stories, many of which are about Simon Rich being a child making more sense than all the adults around him. No one wants to hear you talk about how you’re smarter than everyone else. Seriously. No. One. Your book makes me want to claw my own eyes out.

However, if you’re looking for a book that has short witty amazing weird stories, I’ve got a great one for ya, it is “My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face” by Michael Ian Black. First of all, if you’re not watching Michael and Michael Have Issues on Comedy Central (which you’re definitely not since I know like 2 other people that actually watch this show) you’re a fool. This show is awesomely hilarious. And Michael Ian Black’s book is amazing. And as Sarah Silverman is quoted on the book jacket, “Fun to read while you’re pooping!”. It contains chapters with titles like ""Why I Used a Day-Glo Magic Marker to Color My Dick Yellow". I bet someone like Simon Rich would use the word "sophomoric" to describe that. Watta dick.

Ok, now back to SNL. Here’s one sketch that I actually really loved, that came about when SNL was pretty really bad back in either late 2006 or early 2007.



That makes me smile.

I think at that point literally no one was watching SNL. The Justin Timberlake episodes tend to draw people back in, and then a few epsidoes later they’re gone again because SNL has gone back to sucking hard by the next week. There is something magical about what Justin Timberlake does to SNL. It’s like Christopher Walkin or Alec Baldwin, every episode he’s on contains only sketches that actually make you piss yourself laughing. And I used to think the issue was that a couple years back they had literally zero women in their writers' room, something I observed while watching the Emmy’s. But now they do have women, and it still sucks. But when Justin Timberlake does an episode of SNL it somehow highlights the best characteristics of each of the cast members and showcases them in the funniest way possible.


Another issue I’m having is with NBC in general. NBC is sucking wind so hard these days and it’s embarrassing. I could walk into that programming department and get NBC back on top of the world in a week. And I could do it whilst drunk, stoned, and with both hands tied behind my back. I don’t know who these fucking old people are (one or all of the Jeff’s no doubt – Gaspin, Zucker, and I think there might be a third…) that are choosing just the stupidest shows ever to pick up and turn into series. NBC Thursday night rocks my socks, but none of those shows are even classic cheesy sitcoms. The classic sitcom (fake laughter included) is what NBC is truly missing. Take a page out of, oh I don't know, EVERY OTHER NETWORK'S BOOK, and get it done.

ER is gone so it’s been replaced by not one, but TWO new doctor shows? I saw a promo for Mercy the other day and it actually looks really good, but I’m sorry, medical dramas are a step away from soap operas at this point. They’re basically as close you can get to a soap opera after 4pm.

And I also saw a promo months ago on NBC that was like “America, we asked you what you wanted, and you said more comedy. So you’re getting more comedy! Jay Leno weeknights at 10!” THAT IS NOT WHAT ANYONE WANTS, NBC!!!! How retarded are you??? You basically birthed the sitcom. You aired freaking Seinfeld, Frasier, Will & Grace and Cheers. And when someone asks you for more comedy you add another talk show to your line up? Are you kidding me? Get your head out of your ass, NBC. Do what you were once better than anyone else in the world at doing for like 5 seconds and it will make you not suck anymore.

Wow, I just got really heated. Leifer out.

Hatred and Confusion

You're worth over a billion dollars and this is what your body looks like? Can't you at least afford the man you hire to live in your house and physically keep you away from your refrigerator? Because I've heard that works.

I'm sure it's not even that bad, but what stylist put her in this outfit? And who gave this picture the OK to be on the homepage of her magazine? I clicked on it to link to an article about Jay-Z, OK?? Apparaently Jay-Z opened up to Oprah about his relationship with Beyonce (which he never does) and when I tried to read about it on "O" magazine (gay) it brought me to a horrific picture of Oprah and asked me to sign up. No and no.

Another time, I will fully rant a fit of rage towards Oprah (because I hate her). But today, this is all ya get.

What's for lunch?

Attention residents of DC and New York: If you’re thinking about what to get for lunch today, think no further. I have the answer for you: Chop’t.



This is something I would recommend to anyone, any day of the week. I don’t know if you know this about me, but I have an uncanny ability to make perhaps the most delicious salads in the world. For the amount of love I have for salad, I should definitely weigh less. But maybe it’s because I really pack the calories into a salad in order to maximize it’s deliciosity. I just made that word up. And I’m loving it.

My love for Chop’t is nothing new. It's been going on for a few years now and it’s just as strong as it ever was, if not stronger. Chop’t recently introduced a new seasonal salad and dressing. And it is INSANITY! It is called the Mexican Caesar and it will make you want to wear a sombrero and move to Mexico… Or just make you want to order it thrice a week, as I do.



The key to this magical magical dressing is the color. It is the color of all good sauces and spreads, aka any shade of orange. I’m sorry, if you put an orange sauce or spread in front of me, I know by its shade that it is most likely going to be incredibly delicious. And the Mexican Caesar is no exception. My usual dressings at Chop’t are Tex-Mex Ranch (light orange) and/or Sweet & Smokey Chipotle Vinaigrette (orange). But since this beauty hit my lips, I have thrown caution to the wind and ordered the shit out of it.

Am I drawn to these sauces because of my fiery orange hair? Definite possibility. Or maybe it’s just because they have never let me down. Gotta love a sure thing.



The ingredients of the Mexican Caesar are: Romaine lettuce (aka the only kind of lettuce you should ever get, unless you’re disgusting/foolish/foreign), jalapeños (for a little/lot kick), tortilla strips (gotta have a crunch!), cotija cheese (THE MOST MAGICAL CHEESE IN THE WORLD! I like to describe it as a Mexican/creamier version of parmesan) and maybe corn (queeter), plus whatever meat you want. Since I’m a bad ass I get it “naked” aka without meat. And when I say bad ass I mean a cheapo who prefers just not eating meat if it's going to save me $2.50 on an already pricey salad. And because I like to think no meat decreases the calorie count... Because it does. That's just math. But I actually only got this salad once and then started getting my regular salad or wrap and going crizazy with the Mexican Caesar on it. Tangy and dee-lish.



Whatever you put in your salad, I highly recommend you take Mexican Caesar dressing for a test drive. And please let me know how it goes. Or just praise me for being the sauciest sauce monster on this earth.

Chop't Menu

Also available in many locations via Seamlessweb

Shit I made the Yankee hat more famous than a Yankee can.

Truth be told, I didn't know the World Series was going on right now until 5 minutes ago. Seriously. I knew the Yankees were doing well and that there was something going on with the Phillies but I had no clue it was the World Series. I'm a pretty much fair-weather fan, but that's just because unless the stakes are high, I don't enjoy watching sports. And if the Yankees are in the World Series you bet your ass I will be watching the remaining games. Anyway, I just wanted to post this video because it's ridiculously amazing and I cried (true story) and got goose bumps all over my body when I watched it. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

Sorry Boo, Strike Two

Can we talk about The Hills for a second? I’ve been dying to talk about The Hills all day. The Hills. Is. Awesome.

Warning: If you don't watch The Hills, you are not going to understand any of this insanely long ramble. And also, I don't like you.

Ok, the season opened weak. It’s a point I will concede, easily. But what The Hills came back with after that weak season opener, really just blew my socks off. I understand why people stopped watching after the first episode, but everyone's allowed to have an off episode. Give it another chance! My roommate stopped after the first episode. And The Hills was like one of our things. We have more than a few of those… But every Monday at 10pm we sat in front of the TV and sang the entire “Feel the Rain on Your Skin!” song together as the show begun. It was glorious.

So word around the water cooler (aka Gchat since I work alone) is that The Hills viewership is down by a third this season. And you know what? That’s ridiculous. As much as I love Lauren Conrad, more than almost everyone in the world probably, I am also willing to admit that she is a wet blanket. I don’t know why I’m so in love with her, maybe it’s because she’s perfect in every way other than her personality, but I always have been and always will be team Conrad.

That being said, Kristin Cavallari is awesome. She doesn’t give a SHIT. I mean it’s totally different than Lauren Conrad. And I guess that’s what most people’s problem is, which is strange because I didn’t think anyone else liked her…




Kristin made Justin-Bobby come to life. I don't know how it happened, but like all of a sudden Justin-Bobby talks and is animated. It's great! It makes him even more of a sexual deviant than he already was. Because I don't care how bizarre he his, he's still hot.



And Apparently Staci the bartender is a cast member now? I looooove slash hate how The Hills just adds characters at random and we're expected to just accept them as part of the crew now. I guess that's how things go in fake reality TV.

Kristin talks in interviews about how she will do whatever the producers tell her. She lies to no one. Her life is an open book, just like mine. I think we’re kindred spirits. Maybe even sisters. If someone asks her if the show is fake she just talks about how ridiculously fake it is. But you have to respect her for that. She literally told the LA Times: "It's just so...fake. There's no truth to it. At all."

If Audrina wants to still pretend like the show is real when it is like SOOOOOO obviously the fakest most scripted thing everrrrrrrr then I feel like she’s insulting my intelligence. And if there is one person who shouldn’t be insulting anyone’s intelligence, on this earth, it is Audrina Patridge.

At one point, last season, Audrina lightened her hair considerably and somehow became like 100 times prettier.
I really don't know how the perfect shade of brown (which is now almost blonde) can change someone’s general appearance so much. But it really is the perfect shade of brown. My hair color is one of my favorite aspects about myself but I think if I could get that color I might just go for it. It's insane.





Even though her body was crazy before and still is, she just wasn't that great in my eyes. But now she is good to go. Except for her extra large back of the neck tatoo. Get a life, loser.



And PS KCavs looks sooooo much better with less make up. It's insanity. Literally, they put too much make up on her sometimes and it just doesn't look right. She's just so cool. I love everything about her.



Although the conversation Kristin had with her dad on last week's episode was really awkward. First of all, he lives in a Conrad-style mansion now. When they were filming Laguna Beach he basically lived in a trailer. Ok, that's an exaggeration, but he lived in a teeny tiny house and now he has this crazy water-front property. Someone address this please. Does MTV just rent a house to film at? Does he live there? I want to know!!!!! I mean at the end of Laguna he bought Kristin an X5, there's no way MTV didn't pay for some or all of that bad boy. No. Way.

I don't know what the fuck Heidi and Spencer are supposed to do with themselves now that there is no drama between them and Lauren, because I think that was like half of their personalities. Now, every episode is Heidi babysitting for Enzo and Spencer coming home and talking to an 8 year old as if he is a moron instead of a child. The whole thing is so retarded I want to scream. Heidi and Spencer are so irrelevant at this point it's a joke. Waste of my time. I don't even like hating them anymore. I used to have that. But now I want nothing to do with them.

The big thing they're involved in now is solving Holly's drinking problem. WHOA, HOW HAVE I NOT TALKED ABOUT STEPHANIE PRATT YET!?!?!? I just blacked in the fact that she existed and that she has a RAGING eating disorder this season. I borrow a phrase from Tina Fey when I say, "What the what?"



Stephanie Pratt's face looks as though it has been molded from plastic and then was left out in the scorching sun for days. Her face looks melted and bizarre. Her lips aren't even on her face half the time, she's a total Salvador Dali meets Picasso. I don't know what is where and nothing is in its correct form.

I can't seem to find a picture of her that really shows this new face that looks like it has been butchered like a plastic surgeon, but you should watch the show to see it in action. It's also how she acts. She was always a moron, but I think the plastic surgery and lack of food intake has pushed her over the edge. She is like totally spaced out all the time and nothing she says makes any sense. It's kind of hilariously awesome. She's probably on Meth again, no biggie.



I would like to encourage everyone that abandoned The Hills to come back. It’s fun over here. I could talk about these people for hours. It never ceases to amuse me and make my Tuesday nights infinitely better (what was up with the change in days, btw?).

I don’t see The Hills coming to an end because of this dramatic loss in viewers, because it’s still MTV’s second-highest-rated show and also number one in it’s time slot in all of television. So eliminating it all together would be a poor choice.

But if Kristin leaves, there could be problems, and by problems I mean I will definitely stop watching. That’s how Laguna stopped being good, that’s for sure.

And the question remains, when will I get Lauren Conrad back in my life!? I bought her book the day it came out… I mean, I pre-ordered it on Amazon and they sent it to me right away. And I read it in three days. I’m not even kidding. It was horrible but I loved every word. I can’t even wait for another book, show or movie. I want it now!!!!



Most sexual couple everrrrrr!!!!!!

Wow, Kyle Howard with facial hair? I will absolutely do it.

When I was younger I hated hated hated facial hair. It scared me a little, but I also just didn't find it attractive at all and it boggled my mind why any man would want to look like that. Well, someone has changed my mind about this. I used to think it was someone I knew who turned me on to facial hair. But then I realized I first became enamored with facial hair from the one and only, Jeremy Sisto. Of Clueless, 6 Feet Under and Law & Order fame. It happened just over a year ago with his premiere on Law & Order. He has changed me, and for that, I thank him... And keep him as my "religious views" on my Facebook profile.