Even the most perfect relstionships have their faults...

So I have this rule of thumb… and it goes a little something like this: Be nice to everyone. And by everyone I mean strangers and people who you are not friends with. It’s like the concept that some teachers use: “Everyone starts out the semester with an A”. That’s how I feel about people. Upon meeting you, you have an A. The first words out of your mouth could plummet you to an F if you’re not careful. But I’m still not going to be mean to you, because that is just bad form. I’m only mean or rude to people I know well enough that I know they will eventually forgive me for my meanness or rudeness (if I want them to…)

People who are rude to strangers boggle my mind. I know everyone doesn’t have friends like this, but at points in my life I have had friends who are outright mean all the time. One false move from a stranger and my friend is yelling at them in the middle of a bar. The music screeches to a halt and the entire bar watches as said friend tells off random girl she’s never met because that random girl accidentally touched her while trying to squeeze by her in a crowded bar. Incidents like that make me want to crawl into bed and never have social human contact again.

And so Facebook, along with all of my truly loved ones, falls in the category of “I know you well enough to be mean to you.” And here is my issue with Facebook today: What in the hell are these bizarre things you can become a “fan” of now. I had friends who were trying to start a magazine, so I became a fan of their magazine only later to find out that the magazine was a glorified nudey mag. I’m not talking about Maxim here, I’m talking about straight nudity. Of college students. But whatever, I’m a supportive friend/acquaintance, and if that’s how you want to make your money (or lose your money and ruin your reputation) then good for you. I’d be way less judgmental if I wasn’t an avid fan of Girls Next Door and cried EVERY episode. I don’t know why I cry every episode. I just know that I do. But I think it has something to do with the American dream and a bunch of trashy nobodies who are actually really nice people end up being famous and rich. Love IS actually all around us!!!!!! But my point here is that I became a fan of a "business" or a "website", not an abstract concept or general activity, that's what you're supposed to put under "Interests" in your profile.

I’ve gone to and fro my Facebook homepage twice while writing this so far. First I saw “4 of your friends have become a fan of Cuddling”… Really? What’s the opposite of interesting that sounds cooler and angrier than “uninteresting”, because that’s how I feel. The phrase “DON’T CARE” comes to mind. Everyone likes cuddling, that’s why dogs were invented, duh. And I’m pretty sure that’s why people are in relationships. I mean, I think the only reason I actually want a boyfriend is so that I have someone to cuddle with while I watch TV… Whatever. So I guess, technically, in life, I am indeed a fan of cuddling, am I going to add it to my Facebook page? NO. Because that would be pointless/stupid/dumb.

Then I clicked on something on my Newsfeed, and when I returned back to the homepage I see that “3 of your friends became fans of Not Being On Fire”… WHAT? Ok, great. Now I know that out of my 842 friends, 3 of them don’t like being on fire. This is soooooo stupid.

Sometimes I lay in bed at night and yearn for the days when Facebook was only open to college students and my best friend from when I was 5’s babysitter didn’t constantly harass me via wall posts and messages asking me what I’m up to these days and to send pictures of my parents. Uhhh… do you even know how to use Facebook, lady? Obviously not. Because if you simply clicked the “Info” tab on my profile you could see where I’m working. And if you looked at some of my tagged pictures, or looked through my albums, you would probably find my parents somewhere. Learn how to stalk me without bothering me to help you to stalk me. That is what Facebook is all about, and if you don’t realize that, then get the hell off.

Facebook We Go Hard. We Go Hard.

I don't know why I'm like this about certain things, but sometimes I have an annoying/unstoppable amount of brand loyalty, somewhat similar to abused-wife syndrome.

When I was an intern at MSNBC I hated all other news stations. I didn't even like watching news TV in general, but while I was there I thought it was the best thing around. I thought Fox was too conservative (even though I didn't watch it), CNN was too liberal (even though I didn't watch it), and MSNBC was right in the middle- neutral and perfect.

We even filmed a promo while I was there, which I don't think ever made it to air because it was actually the stupidest idea EVER, that had like someone installing a new TV, tuning in to Fox News and having the TV tilt to the right, changing the channel to CNN and having the TV tilt to the left, and then tune into MSNBC and the TV would settle in the middle. STUPID. My fellow interns and I read this script with bewilderment as we helped to make flight and catering arrangements for the HEAD OF OUR DEPARTMENT to fly to LA to supervise the shoot. You need to go to LA to film something I could easily film with the web cam on my MacBook? Get a life.

Anyway, even after seeing genius ideas like that bite the dust, I was still blindly loyal to MSNBC, shleping my way to and fro Secaucus, New Jersey every day. But I kind of think I was brainwashed there. I had two TV's on my desk (having a job without a TV on your desk is not worth having) and one was always tuned in to MSNBC. When Mel Gibson got arrested that summer and spewed his anti-Semitic nonsense I watched (unwillingly) nonstop coverage of that incident for three days straight. It was too much to handle. But once I was done with my internship and back at school, MSNBC and all news television were forever knocked off of radar.

So the other brand that I am tirelessly loyal to is Verizon. I'm not really sure why. But I think I've had the Verizon vs. Cingular/AT&T fight more times than any other argument that has ever been had on this planet. But Verizon and I have a special relationship, and I don't cheat on my loved ones. Although, there is a new Sprint commercial for the new Sprint 4g network that made me seriously consider switching. I've never felt a feeling like that before. It was like something sparked inside me, it was exciting and new. A passion I have never known. I've managed to stifle it thus far and forget about this life-changing commercial and remember all the good times Verizon has been there for me and for those close to me.


My latest issue is with Twitter. Maybe some of you don't understand my very deep bond with Facebook, but as Grace Adler says in the series finale of Will & Grace about the bond between Jews and chicken, "It's deep and it's real". Facebook has seen me through some crazy times. Since I did not go to an Ivy League school, I had to get Facebook sometime during sophomore year, with the rest of the Facebook runner-up schools. But once I was in, there was no turning back. I can't even remember now what the old Facebook looked like.

Recently I was talking with friends about how Facebook has changed through the years and my friend Evan said, "Remember the old sign-in screen?" I can't remember what my boss asked me to do 5 seconds ago, so no, I do not remember the old sign-in screen. And that is when I came up with the million-dollar-idea (still to-be executed): A montage of Facebook lay-outs. Once I do this I am going to: A. Be a millionaire B. Go on millionaire matchmaker and 3. Be so transfixed on this montage and my own genius that I'm going to fall into a daze, staring at the montage for months on end, completely mesmerized, and like Narcissus before me, fall into my computer screen and drown.

One time when I was studying for finals, senior year of college, I obviously started procrastinating by going on Facebook. Well I started just clicking on random people that showed up and on their friends and on their friends and looking at people’s pictures. I was in a total trance. And when I finally looked up, it was 6 hours later. I wish I was kidding. I was nauseous and confused and disoriented. It’s like when people fall in love/lust and lock themselves in a bedroom together for 24 hours… but I prefer to have my love affairs with a social networking website, thanks.

But a new website has made it's way into the game, and it's called Twitter. As of this moment, I have never been to the Twitter homepage. I know what it is. I get the concept. But really? I don't read Perez or follow celebrity gossip (even though I know all of it anyway because my friend makes sure to e-mail all stories I might be interested in), I don't enjoy reading other people's statuses on Facebook (even though I do it anyway, thanks to the redesigned homepage, UGH), and lastly, this point should be an obvious one if you know me at all: DON'T CARE. If I wanted to see what other people were doing, or tell other people what I was doing, I would have signed into AIM or ichat in the last year, but I don't and I haven't. Or I would put up a Facebook status. But I never have and I never will. Or I go on Gchat to talk to the precious few (or twenty) people who are blessed enough to be in my inner-circle.

I'm actually excited to see how long I can hold out on Twitter-mania. I'm sure Tina Fey does have a very funny Twitter, as I've heard. But I guess I'll just have to get my fill of Tine Fey via SNL repeats and 30 Rock... and through our telepathic/mental bond, I know she feels it too.

Another thing that bothers me about Twitter- Why is the action of Twittering now called "Tweeting" or "Tweet" or "Tweeted"? No. Just... No. It's Twittering. Lets do some word play here…

Do - Doing
Make - Making
Shop - Shopping
Read - Reading
Fuck - Fucking

And now with proper nouns (is that even right?)…

E-mail - Emailing
G-chat - Gchatting
IM - IMing
Google - Googling
Facebook - Facebooking

TWITTER - TWITTERING

Get off your high horse, Twitter. Just because you're the website du jour doesn't mean you're going to last forever. Something new will come and wipe you out in due time, you just wait.

But I'll probably end up joining Twitter like tomorrow.