The Bitch Is Back

Ok I held out like three days and posted about Prince Harry first, but I'm sorry, I can't just not address the season finale of The Hills, it would go against everything I stand for. Warning: If you did not watch the ONE HOUR season final of The Hills on Sunday night, you might want to stop reading now because this is going to sound like complete teeny-bopper gibberish...

So Heidi and Spencer got married. Big surprise, we all saw this in the tabloids like months ago (and on Steph Pratt's website.. I mean... what??) This is my latest conclusion about Spencer and Heidi: I've decided that I actually hate Heidi more than Spencer. I know. I know. It's weird. But please read my reasoning:

1. Her fake hair. Spencer might have a flesh colored beard, but Heidi has so much fake hair on her head it's actually hard to look at her. I'm sorry, I have like the thickest head of hair known to man and if I stood next to Heidi I would legit look like I was balding.
2. Her insatiable hunger for fame. I mean obviously everyone that is on The Hills is a fame hungry douche (except for you, Lauren, love you xoxoxoxo) But Heidi has taken it to a totally different level. She married... Spencer. The devil himself. I would rather be a nobody in Winchestertonfieldville, Iowa than spend ANY time alone with Spencer, and I'm not even talking about having sex with him (insert Jim-Carrey-style dry heave here) I'm just talking about being in an apartment with him and saying "Did you return the movies to blockbuster?" and him replying "NOPE!" and me projectile vomiting all over his face. My conclusion here is that the only thing worse than being as douchey as Spencer is to not only want to be around but MARRY someone as douche-tastic as Spencer.

3. Her stupidity. It was never a secret that Heidi was a moron. But for some reason it just started really irritating me. It's like, there are so many things for her to say when Spencer acts like he does or when person after person tells her that her future/current husband is a giant heinous douche and instead of responding she just stares at them with puppy dog eyes and 10 lbs worth of blond extensions.
4. Her use of the word "Princess". I want a Princess wedding! I feel like a Princess! I want to be dripping with diamonds like a Princess! KILL YOURSELF HEIDI!!!!!
5. Her choice of wedding dress. Feathers? Really?



6. "I want this to be the most extravagant wedding ever!" STFU!
7. I want my body to look like hers minus the fake giant ta tas.

How about the fact that one of the clips of Heidi that plays during the intro (FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN!) is a shot of her going to talk to Lauren about attending her wedding in the second to last episode. Sorry MTV, you screwed the pooch on that one. I can't even fathom how this show is edited and what the actual time line is. WHAT a mystery. I guess it's good that those are the things that keep me up at night, as opposed to real problems or issues.

What was up with that nonnyposh Holly was spewing at the rehearsal dinner? She is either a highly functioning alcoholic, or the Meth addiction was contagious and she has caught it from Stephanie Pratt. Nothing she did made any sense. If you throw food at a fancy dinner and someone gets mad at you, don't storm off crying, realize that YOU did something wrong and just apologize for it and move on. What an unnecessary scene. And the thing I hated most about it was that I was siding with Spencer in the argument. Siding with Spencer makes me uncomfortable, it's a sign that something is very very wrong with the balance of the universe. The equilibrium of the galaxy was way off. The whole episode makes Spencer look like the good guy and it's really starting to freak me the f out.

And did Charlie seriously take Staci the bartender to the wedding as his date!? I thought that was a joke. Charlie has really been showing his true colors in recent episodes, in a good way. He suggested to Spencer that he apologize to Lauren to make Heidi happy, great advice (that sounds sarcastic, but I'm being serious). He also did something else that was strangely nice and smart and I was really disoriented by it. But then he brought Staci to the wedding and I was just confused but also really surprised and impressed. I was also surprised Heidi didn't rip out her extensions and shove them down Staci's throat.

Lauren is such a class act. Duh. The Brodster finally convinced her that she should go to the wedding. And who wouldn't listen to a suggestion from Brody Jenner? If Brody says jump, I say "how high?" and then I jump ON him and rape him. See how I did that there? Yup.











Sorry, I got a little carried away. Love makes us do crazy things. Am I right?

I really did not understand why Lauren had to take a black car to leave the wedding. Couldn't she just drive herself? Odd. And I don't really believe she's actually going to leave The Hills. This idea is just a poor career choice, the Mischa Barton of poor career choices, if you will. I don't care if she's scared of being typecast, too late sweetheart. You will always be "that girl" from Laguna/The Hills, so you embrace it and milk it for ALL it's worth.

Finally, "The Bitch Is Back". Has a better tag line ever existed? I think not. A tag line like that makes me want to drop everything and work in promos for the rest of my life. Because it's GENIUS. Kristen Cavalleri doesn't give a shit about anyone, and that's what makes her great. She's going to hook up with everyone's boyfriends and when she is confronted about it will definitely use the words "chill" or "chill out" numerous times. God knows what she's been up to for the past four years, but I am SO EXCITED to find out. Since we're bringing KCav's back I would like to start a petition to bring back the whole cast of seasons 1 and 2 of Laguna and throw them right into The Hills. Or just Stephen Colleti... And Talan... And Cedric... And Taylor, and Alex M. and Alex P. and Jessica and Deiter! and blah blah blah. AHHHHH!!! ALL OF 'EM!

Best. News. Ever.

So apparently Lauren Conrad is writing a book. Like I haven't talked about reality starlets enough in the past 2 days? Buckle up for another ride on the reality train. HOW did I not know about this sooner!? Is it because I purposefully ignore all real and/or celebrity news until it is told to me 8th hand like a good/bad game of telephone? Probably. But I'm fine with it, because now I only have to wait like three weeks for the book to come out instead of hearing about this for months and DYING with anticipation. This is going to be legendary.

I don't really think it's possible for Lauren Conrad to not be successful. That doesn't even make sense since her clothing line folded (because it was awful) but what happened after her clothing line folded (even though they're playing it off like it's just closed for renovations)? She wrote a book! And if you think I'm not buying it the day it comes out (June 16), you're sorely mistaken, because unlike her clothes, it is going to be reasonable priced. But similarly to her clothing line- most of the work/brains was most likely not hers, which will not affect how I'm going to read and judge it. This book SHOULD be ghost written, if only because I need to be able to understand it. After all, it's not really possible to have a book full of blank stares and b-roll shots of L.A. (Lauren's signature move), is it? A picture book!? Done. I'll buy that too, and put it smack-dab in the middle of my coffee table, thank you very much.



After reading an excerpt of the new book L.A. Candy on Teen Vogue's website (what, you'd do it too) I am sooooo into this book. It's like a behind the scenes of Reality TV, and by Reality TV I mean The Hills. It's already addressing the questions I ask myself on a daily basis. How do the characters meet guys and go out on dates? Are they set up? IS THIS REAL OR FAKE!?!? What's going on!?!!? The excerpt I read seems to be hinting at answering all of these questions and getting all the dirty dirty Hills goss that we're all craving.

And now I hear KCav is going to be replacing Lauren on The Hills?



This doesn't even make sense. Is she going to be friends with all the girls? I'm not going to lie, I like KCav when she is separate from Lauren (because obviously I am always and forever on Team Conrad despite numerous first hand accounts that she is, indeed, a wet blanket). But I can't imagine that Lauren is actually going to allow this to go down. I actually thought I saw KCav on the subway last week and was like two seconds from asking this, most likely, completely random girl if she was Kristen Cavilleri, but instead I decided to stay put and stare at her through my sunglasses., which is something I do on the daily.

One thing about Laguna, The Hills and my life, that I really do truly believe in my heart is real, is the hatred between Lauren and KCav. Even if the situations they were put into were fake, there is no doubt in my mind that Lauren always liked Stephen (insert bleeding love clip) as more than a friend and that KCav ruined her life/dream/happiness. Those whores a year younger in high school will stop at nothing to steal your guy. I know from personal experience. And by personal experience I mean other people's experience combined with what I have seen on TV.




Don't worry, I just found a killer montage of Lauren and Stephen. ENJOY! the only thing that would make this better was if the song was "Bleeding Love" by Leona Lewis. So close yet so far.

Surfing the Web

I always say that if I were as rich as Oprah, I’d find a way to be skinny. Sorry, but if you’re a billionaire AND you appear on television, you should not chub out like Oprah does. It would be one thing if she was always big and was just like “Yeah, wattup, I’m chubby,” but she’s not. She’s constantly struggling with her weight and it’s actually fun to watch her lose it and then gain it back even worse.

So oddly related to this topic, I’ve decided to talk about celebrity websites. And by celebrity, I mean my fave gals from reality TV:

Whitney Port (of The City)









Stephanie Pratt (of The Hills)













Khloe Kardashian (of Keeping Up With The Kardashians)








I relate this to the Oprah-weight issue because it’s like, “Hi reality TV stars, do you have any money or taste to use up on a website? Apparently not because these are hideous.” And I don’t even “surf the web” or go to websites other than the sale section of JCrew.com, so that’s saying a lot.

Let’s start first with Whitney’s website, which looks like a Tampon commercial… or a Birth Control ad.

I don’t know why, but it just does. Her clothes, on the website, are all being modeled by models who strangely look like her, but are not her. I mean, she’s the face of the line, get out there Whit, show your stuff, everyone loves you! Actually, since I started writing this post yesterday and when I revisited her site today, the layout has kind of changed to more of a blog layout, showing me her makeup routine, asking for my decorating tips, I’m digging it.

But what I’m not enjoying – Whitney Eve? Why? Summer’s Eve? Douching products? Call me immature, but that’s right where my mind goes to when I see Whitney Eve. Is Eve her middle name? Her real last name? What a mystery. But at least her clothing line looks better than Lauren Conrad’s failed one.

Stephanie Pratt’s website is great if only because it confirms all opinions I have on her- she is a heinous douche. She should be the one with the word “Eve” in her website title… or just “douche”. She has these video “skits” on her site that are just like so awful and awkward, I die. The first indication that this website is a joke, is yet again, the design. With like weird little birds all over the place… a bird to dot the I in Stephanie? Really? I mean a heart would have been really gay and embarrassing but at least it’s semi-normal. This is just weird. www.AllStephPratt.com. The name makes me laugh.



And now I’m reading some of her stuff and it’s possible that we have the same birthday. I’m not happy about this… I’m not good at sharing, especially not with a doucher like Steph Pratt. She went to Vegas and hung out with Cory Hart and I went to an underground dance floor to which almost none of my friends came because it was Easter weekend. But yes I maintain that she is a loser and I am cool. By far the best quote in her entries “So… My brother married heidi yesterday at a gorgeous church in Pasadena. For people who know the couple -they know how deep their love and bond really is.”

I always assumed that someone else would take care of the writing on a celeb website, and that it wasn’t genuine at all, but Steph definitely writes all of this shit. It sounds like her and it’s hilariously bad and stupid and awkward… And amazing. Steph Pratt is a true-life underdog- from meth-head to MTV starlet. Wow. What a journey it’s been. If she wrote about that transition I might actually read her website updates.

But her “About Me” section is about going to “college” in Paris for a year (I don't believe that for one second) and then working as a PA on the set of Lost in Hawaii, who knew!? Did you start drugging yourself in Paris or Hawaii, I’m dying to find out. But in all seriousness, if she seriously wrote about how she went from being a drug addict to semi-famous, we could have the next James Frey on our hands here. But to be good she would need a ghostwriter, cause this moron is not writing anything that resembles literature… Or even semi-normal human communication.

And now on to the good website, my dear friend (or just celeb obsession) Khloe Kardashian. I legit just cried at work while reading her entry about her brother’s graduation from USC and about how their dad went there and it was his dream for his only son to follow in his footsteps. I can’t stop tearing. If you do not love the Kardashians, you have no soul. What a group. But without Khloe the show would never exist and Kim would still be a hot tranny mess with a sex tape and an extreme case of jungle fever. If I were to ever bite the bullet and join Twitter (which I don’t see happening anytime soon) I would DEFINITELY “follow” Khloe.



Other than the cheesy purple design and sparkling diamond graphics on Khloe’s website, I feel like hers is the only one that’s legitimate. She updates multiple times a day and just seems to be really into it. She is just trying to have a good time and I want to hang out with her. I think we’d be soul mates and best friends for life. Although I wish I was smaller so that she could physically assault me like she does to Kourtney, but I think we’re about the same size so I’m not sure how that would work… would I look that beastly on TV too? Maybe one day we’ll know.

I guess I shouldn't be so judgmental since I'm coming at you from an uncreative template by blogger, BUT I am not a celebrity. When I reach Oprah status I promise to have a kickin' bod and a sweet ass website to match.

"Spencer's a Purple Belt In Jujitsu"

no words necessary.

No One Else Can Feel It For You

I'm sorry. I just don't think I gave The Hills as much attention as it deserves in my post the other week. Maybe I should start doing a weekly review of The Hills because I really could talk about it all day long. Without passing Go or collecting $200. But I would prefer collecting $200. Thanks. AND YOU MUST BE THE MONOPOLY GUYYYYY. I have tourette's, esp when I type. Don't worry about it, it's fine.

So on The Hills episode this Monday, if only I had written this in a more timely manner so that I could have posted a nice "day-after" review. But no. Lets start this off by saying I just chugged a beer because I have to work until 10 tonight so I can answer phones for a radio show called "Talking Metal", interviews and music that are all strictly heavy metal... The phone calls are all pre-planned. And it's one phone. One line, on one phone. AWESOME. This is totally the same setup as z100 and Hot 97. But they did give me free pizza and beer. So I guess they are forgiven. If someone brutally murdered my family and friends and then bought me pizza and beer I'd probably forgive them. And I don't even like beer.

And I'm basically getting paid to eat pizza, drink beer, blog, listen to heavy metal (that's a con, but whatever) and answer the phone approximately 5 times over a 3-hour period. Maybe I'm living the dream. Maybe this is it!. If I was high and in my bed AND watching my DVR while doing all of this it really would be living the dream. So close, yet so far.

But back to the most genius show on television. The Hills. This week Spencer's flesh colored beard was in full force. If Spencer changed the style of his flesh colored mustache (pronounced moo-stash and in a French accent, of course) to a handle-bar mustache I might have to switch from hating him to liking him. But a Hitler-esq toothbrush mustache would be the most appropriate for everything Spencer Pratt stands for. Soooooooo, Spencer met and hung out with Heidi's ex-boyfriend, Colby, who was visiting LA with his girlfriend and is a bible thumper. I understand that Spencer, a 24 year old in LA with no job who drives a BMW has never met such religious freaks. As someone who went to school in the capital of the confederacy I have definitely met and known people who are highly religious, especially in comparison to how people rock it in the blue states.

Spencer was being his usual douchey self, and instead of being really interested and intrigued at how Colby and his girlfriend live their lives (separate hotel rooms), he was seriously appalled. I mean, he could have been ruder about it, but it was still pretty awkward, as all of Spencer-Pratt-to-actual-human interactions are. Making comments left and right about how he doesn't understand how they could wait until marriage until they have sex. The fact that Spencer Pratt has ever had sex in his life is really a testament to how pathetic the human race is. There are zero redeeming qualities to Spencer Pratt. Zee-RO. It would be one thing if he was an attractive douche. But he is not.

The big news on this week's episode is that Brody and Audrina hooked up. THIS. IS. HUGE. But The Hills, aka Adam Divello, managed to pull this one off in like the most awkward way possible. I'm sorry, but in real life if you hook up with Brody Jenner you: A. Talk about it non-stop for the rest of your life 2. Never leave his bed and C. Fake a pregnancy and make him marry you. DUH. But the post-Brody hookup was SOOOOO awkward to talk about in the girl's hotel room in Hawaii. Audrina was like "yeah, I slept in Brody's room" awkward glance here, awkward glance there, staring into space, weird mouth movement, and scene. LIke... no. The first question is "Did you have sex?" and the answer is obviously YES, so I guess it is understandable that that one wasn't asked. But come on. I need details. Dear Audrina, How big is Brody's penis? Love, Brady. That isn't even the one question I would ask if given the chance, but it seems the most appropriate. But it is my theory that no one ever outright talks about hookups because these hookups don’t actually ever happen…. Because the show is downright fake.

Furthermore, who crashes boy's weekend? That is inexcusable unless you bring girls with you who with fuck every boy on boy's weekend, no questions asked. But the only one who got laid was Brody, and that's pretty much a given for everywhere Brody goes, so nothing new there. But when Lauren wore her jean shorts and flannel shirt as she arrived in Hawaii to crash the party I screamed, "I WANT TO BE HER!" like 7 times. I'm sorry, but other than her wet-blanket personality, her bizzarely tan upper-lip/mustache area, her awful flop of a clothing line and the fact that she's famous because of a reality TV show, Lauren Conrad is my idol.

But WHAT is up with Lauren and Brody? Like when they were hooking up we never really knew if they were hooking up or not. And was she mad or annoyed at Audrina? And when Lauren and Brody go out to dinner together, does Brody pay? Or does MTV pay? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Feel the rain on your skin!

I prefer the fakest of all reality TV. Because when it’s real it’s just not as funny. I need someone in there intricately setting the scenes and feeding every “character” his/her exact line. A puppet-master, if you will. And though all “reality” shows are fake, I prefer for mine to be as much like a soap-opera as possible (even though I hate soap-operas). Hence, my favorite reality show of all time is The Hills. I may or may not sing along to the entire theme song every time I watch. Every single time.

Let’s be honest. MTV basically invented the concept of Reality TV as far as I’m concerned. With the gem like the Real World (which I probably haven’t watched since the 90’s… blatant lie…)  to kick off a genre of TV that has basically taken over the world. It’s like Reality TV shows are Godzilla and every other type of TV show the world has to offer are the fleeing Japanese. It’s too much for me to handle, as I’m an avid supporter of the Sitcom. Situational. Comedy. What could be better? It’s like life, but funny.

But within the macrocosm of Reality TV we have the microcosm of the Laguna Beach series. MTV really hit that jackpot with that one. Because after however many seasons of Laguna Beach were spun out to The Hills and then The City. There was also one season of Newport Harbor, which should really make a come back. And along the way we just meet an endless cast of characters that could have their own shows. And half the time there’s not even an introduction needed. A new character appears and we, as the viewers just accept them as part of the cast.

I’m excited to see what direction MTV goes once Lauren is done with The Hills. But why would Lauren ever leave The Hills. Bad career move on her part, because her life is so typecast at this point she should really just accept it before she becomes Mischa Barton (Who?? Exactly.)

So last night’s episode of The Hills just made me fall more and more in love with it. Most episodes have that effect on me.

Lets start it off with Stephanie Pratt’s interview with Kelly Cutrone (aka perhaps the most unfortunate looking person to ever walk this earth). Wow. Just… Wow. I thought I was the worst interviewee in the history of job interviews. But this was so bad that my entire body was clenched in some sort of full-body wince for the ENTIRE scene. Seriously though, on one interview I was asked what my strengths and weaknesses were and I think I just laughed and smiled and waited for the next question. The only good interview I’ve ever been on is for the job (“job”) I have now. And it’s my second “real” job since I graduated college. Don’t ask me how I got the first one, although they could have gotten either an intern or anyone with as much as a 4^th grade education to do it. Oh, I guess that’s why I got it.

Anyway, the sheer heinousness and awkwardness of Stephanie’s interview scenario was just genius. Who wrote that? I wish the credits for The Hills included titles like “head writer” and horde of other names for “writers” because that is way funnier (and more truthful) than calling them all “Producers”.

Allow me to jump back to the season premiere, which contains my two favorite parts of scripted conversation:

1. When Lauren asks Lo and Steph who invited Heidi to her party. Steph replies “Lo?” and Lauren looks at her and goes “I know it wasn’t Lo, I was just like being nice.”  That was priceless. But who can think of lines like that on the spot?

2. When Lauren decides to have a conversation with Steph about the fact that she invited Heidi to the party. There one point in this argument where Steph is just like begging Lauren to be friends with Heidi again, Lauren asks why Steph thought it would be a good idea to bring Heidi to her birthday party. “Why wouldn’t you just ask me to go out to dinner with her or something?” asks Lauren. Steph: “Because you would have never done that.” Lauren: “Well if I wouldn’t go out to dinner with her than don’t you think I wouldn’t want her at my birthday party either?”

The maze of circular logic Lauren (read: MTV producers) introduced here absolutely blew my mind. I was screaming “GENIUS” at the top of my lungs the second Lauren dropped that amazing line. 

So back to Steph’s interview. Even after Kelly told Lauren it was by far the worst interview she’s ever been a part of Lauren continued to defend Steph and say that she thinks Steph would be a good addition to People’s Revolution. Um… Lauren… If Steph isn’t smart enough to realize letting Heidi tag along to your birthday party isn’t a good idea, you probably don’t want to take responsibility for her actions in the work place.

And yet, I’m beyond excited to see exactly how Steph is going to fuck everything up. That is why this plot line is just so great. It opens up so many doors. Because obviously Steph is going to fuck shit up. There is not a doubt in my mind. But will Lauren get fake fired when Steph fake fucks up? It’s all a journey. 

When I have more time, in the near future, I’m going to devise a list of possible ways Steph is going to fuck up at People’s Revolution.

Anyway, as bad as the acting is on this show sometimes, other times it’s just great. And I really couldn’t ask for more out of a reality TV show. It’s got everything: drama, humor, girls I want to look like, guys I want to slip roofies to. The Hills is the cherry on top of a fabulous night of Monday night television (better known as CBS comedy Mondays- If you don’t watch How I Met Your Mother you should probably just stop watching TV all together, you’re not worth it).