Enjoy it, Coach Dick 'n' Balls.

I’m so sick of re-branding. Like SciFi is changing to SyFy? That doesn’t even make sense. Like No... Just... No. If you’re going to re-brand you really have to make it count. Let me first share with you my very first encounter with a personal re-brand, aka someone trying to re-brand herself. This is an instance of something that annoyed me so much that I still talk about it on the reg, approx 6 years later and it still lights a fire under my ass every time I bring it up. God, I hate people sometimes.

My freshman year there was a girl in my orientation group named K.C. For months I legit thought her name was Casey. Which is fine. I like the name Casey, especially for a girl. But I later found out it was K.C., her initials. Which I guess is OK, since there was another girl on our hall with the same exact name as her except for a one-letter difference in the last name. And yeah, I get it. It’s fucked up that the school would put the two girls with the same exact name on the same hall their freshman year. So I get you wanting to do something different. But I also didn't realize until later that K.C. hadn't always been K.C., I just assumed that was her name. Because when people tell you what their name is, that is usually the safe assumption. Usually...

Well the two K.C.’s (Katie and K.C.) became best friends. To this day, they are best friends (as I have seen on Facebook). And after freshman year, the K.C. who requested to be called K.C. then requested to go back to her original name, Katie. Seriously? Seriously. You know what I said to that? Fuck you. It’s a name. You’re not Prince, you can’t just change your name on a whim to whatever you want and then to a symbol. The artist formerly known as Prince barely even pulled that off. You're definitely not going to be able to. Get the fuck over yourself and go with the name your parents gave you. And if you are douchey enough to change your name, don’t change it back after a year!!! How embarrassing for you. And if you’re not embarrassed by that, then there’s something seriously wrong with you.

I know a few other people who have decided to start going by their middle name, or change the spelling of their name. This is just as douchey and I’m also embarrassed for them, because apparently they are too unaware of social norms to be embarrassed for themselves. I may not identify with this situation as well as most, because I have a very original name. And I don’t mean to say that in a tone that makes me seem like I think that I’m better than you because of it, but I am…

Back to the battle of the K.C.’s: The way I reconciled that situation in my own head? Refuse to call K.C. Katie and continue calling her K.C. up to and including my last day of college. Everyone called her Katie. Everyone. Except for me. And if I were to ever see her again, I’d still call her K.C. and if she ever actually told me not to call her K.C.? I would flip out. And by flip out I mean I’d probably just be like “Nope, I prefer K.C.” But I really would rather not ever see K.C. again. Oh, and don’t worry, I just looked her up on Facebook to see what she’s up to these days and her Facebook name is listed as Katherine. I bet she goes by Katherine now.

My other experience with re-branding on the corporate level was changing all Court TV promos to say truTV instead of Court TV. If you know anything at all about my first job you know that this was not something I enjoyed. And when companies re-brand it’s as obnoxious as K.C. changing her name back to Katie unless you do a really phenomenal job. I mean, I'll excuse truTV because they weren't Court TV anymore. That just wasn't their programming half of the time so they had to do something about that. But I’m trying to think of a re-brand I can really get behind and I can’t. I’m embarrassed that SyFy thinks it’s like going to improve its viewership by changing the spelling of their name to something totally nonsensical because they think its cool. You won’t and it’s not.

And that… is how I feel about re-branding.

LLOYD!!!!!!!

I hate when people hate Entourage. Like seriously, get off your high horse and realize that Entourage, like any person or thing, is not perfect. Few things are. Watching Entourage is an exercise of love, loyalty and tolerance. Yes, there are some episodes that are sub par. Some that are even downright awful. But the good ones are really good and they make up for the bad. On Entourage, you’re not watching 5 characters, you’re watching 5 people.

Other than Jeremy Piven they were all more or less nobodies before Entourage. I mean, it’s not like I didn’t know Adrien Grenier from Drive Me Crazy, the tween film he co-starred in with Melissa Joan Hart, because I did. But the rest of society did not. And like it or not, those actors are type cast in those roles forever. Could you ever watch Turtle play anyone other than Turtle? No. It would be bizarre.

Could you watch E play a real estate broker who is obsessed with Scarlet Johanssen (ew) but ends up dating Drew Barrymore? Well, that depends on if you’ve seen He’s Just Not That Into You, but the answer is No, it’s awkward to see any of these guys out of their Entourage rolls. It’s just… wrong. He’s also in the opening scene of The Ugly Truth. He needs to accept that he is, always and forever, E. Stop running from the truth, Kevin Connolly.

One main problem with Entourage is exhibited perfectly in this sketch… you might know how I feel about online videos, but trust me, if you have ever seen Entourage, ever, this one is worth your while.

The entire series is like a Will They? Won’t They? relationship between Vince and “the biz”. And if The Office has taught us anything, it’s that the will they won’t they relationship is to be kept waiting in the wings, not to be solved (Jim and Pam? Aka Jam. Duh.)

After its first season, Entourage became pretty hit or miss. Some episodes are great, and others are just meh. For example, two weeks ago it was amazing and Ari said, “I’m proud of you” to E and it touched my heart. And last week it was awful and stupid. But you have to stick with it. Like any relationship, you have to take the bad with the good. Suck it up and stick it through. That’s what she said. Oh boo hoo, you don’t want to watch Jeremy Piven say essentially the same thing every single episode? Get over it. It’s funny. Watch it and enjoy it.






Entourage is more than just a show. It’s an institution. It’s a right of passage for young actresses. That show featured Leighton Meester when she was nothing. Nothing! It’s the modern-day version of Seinfeld in that aspect. Which is saying a lot, I know. I’m not trying to actually compare Entourage to Seinfeld. I’m not that crazy. But Seinfeld had Courtney Cox when she was nothing. It’s a talent to become a pass through for a certain group of actors. And Entourage has that talent. Except for the slunt dating E right now, that anorexic bitch has GOT to go and/or eat a meal. And she's not quite a nobody since she's been in both Fool's Gold (embarrassing) and Nick and Norah (impressive)I can’t find any pictures of her on google image from when she decided to completely stop eating, unfortunately.

Entourage also kind of invented Malin Akerman. You might know her now from... Oh I don't know, EVERY movie that's come out in the past two years. The Heartbreak Kid, 27 Dresses, The Proposal... Ok, so maybe like three movies. But that's totally legit. A mere 2 years ago she was just the third in the E and Sloan threesome. And by just a third I mean E wanted to dump Sloan for her. E would pull a stunt like that. What an annoying little ginger elf. Anyway, my point is that Entourage has made her into a star. I credit Entourage and Entourage alone.


In summary: Even though the plots repeat themselves episode after episode, half the time I’m not even watching to see what happens. I just want to see these guys hang out with each other and smoke pot, because that’s what the show is all about at it’s core anyway, and that’s what has made it as successful as it’s been over the past 5 seasons.

So hunker down this Sunday with a fat/phat bowl and enjoy Entourage: An American Institution.

Some people write symphonies... This is my gift.

And we’re back! Ok. I’ll go into the last couple of trends I never took part in, because I know you are just DYING to find out.

1. Turtle Neck Sandals.

These guys are new this season. And I have to say, at first I was intrigued by them, then confused, then filled with rage. It’s like a slouchy flat boot that just doesn’t cover your toes. It’s weird. It’s disheartening. First of all, they don’t look that comfortable. Other than their general looseness there’s just something about them that makes me feel like I don’t want to be walking around in them, like they're just going to be a really awkward and uncomfortable foot wedgie. Toe wedgie?

You know how the eyes are the windows to the soul? Well the ankles are the furnace of the leg. They should not be covered, especially in suede or fake suede or whatever it is, in the middle of the summer.

And speaking of imitation-boot sandals. When I see people wearing shit like this I want to go Tanya Harding on their ass and take a crowbar to their legs.

2. Lost



Lemme tell you a little something about Lost. I started watching it before you did. And by started watching it, I mean I watched two episodes. I HATE when people lay claim to things because they did it first. But I do that exact thing all the time and consider myself better and cooler than you in doing so. Ever heard of John Mayer? I was listening to Room for Squares before you were running through the halls of your high school while screaming the lyrics to “No Such Thing” at the top of your lungs. But that’s neither here nor there. I’m aware John Mayer is a HUGE douche but I don’t care. His music sooths my soul.

Ok, back to Lost. One of my roommates junior year watched Lost before any of you. She was way into it from day one. So since I ruled the remote control in my apartment like a freaking Nazi, my roommate had to reserve the TV for Lost weeks in advance and then persuade me to watch the season premiere of season 2 with her. Fine, I’m all for trying new things (am I?) so I decided to give it a whirl.

And I liked it, I really did. It was really intense and like 5 people got shot and some kid was like sold into slavery on a raft or some shit and I think they may have even discovered the hatch? Yes? No? I don’t even know. But I was like, “Wow, this is pretty good.” And then I was just like, “Do I really have the time to be adding hour-long shows into my already very busy Seinfeld re-run watching schedule?” The answer was no, and I never looked back. And two years later, when everyone and their mom decided that they were going to watch Lost and talk about it ALL THE GODDAMN TIME, I was like peace bitches, been there, done that. Like people refusing to go out to dinner or drinks on Wednesday night because they need to get home to watch Lost live. You're an asshole. Watch it on DVR and get over yourself and your nerdy sci fi show.



OK, now here are some of the main trends I fell into, and fell into hard. Some things I will argue with you about all day long until I stop making sense and start arguing against myself but still stand behind my trend. What? Exactly.

1. Mac


I’m sorry, it’s just better. In middle school I somehow conned my parents into buying one of those cool candy colored Macs as our family computer, I believe it was the iMac. And let me tell you, that thing stunk. It was horrible. It never worked and it was so confusing and I hated every second that I was using it instead of admiring its pretty candy-coated exterior. When we finally switched back to a PC in my house I could not have been happier and I swore to myself I would never touch a Mac again if I had any control over it…

But I didn’t… Because Macs are actually all around us. And after using only Macs in the journalism lab in college and having my Acer laptop be the most annoying thing East of the Mississippi and south of the Mason-Dixon, I was convinced to go back to Mac. And I got a MacBook. The very MacBook I am typing on right now, AT THIS VERY SECOND! And I’m so in love with it. It’s not a computer, it’s a friend. It’s a pretty, cool, tech savvy friend that you can take with you everywhere you go!



I know, a PC is what you grew up with. How you first formed a relationship with computer and how you learned your way around. I get it. I was once that way too. But once you let go of that rigid perception of what a computer is supposed to be, it is liberating. Being on a Mac is like being on vacation. It’s relaxing and streamlined and user-friendly. Everything you need is there and it’s all laid out nice and easy. PCs are for fools and old people. Get your head in the game and jump on board. You won’t regret it.

2.Uggs.


I never was too against Uggs, I don’t think. But it did take me a little while to get actively into Uggs. As long as you don’t have a douchey pair of uggs, like pink with rhinestones or some shit, Uggs are fine. I usually hear the Ugg revolt coming from guys, saying they look stupid. But they don’t. I prefer the Chestnut brown color and the Classic Tall style, and they go with anything. Also popular is the Ultra style. Which was the style of my first pair. But now I’m way into the Classic and would never change.

I’m not saying to wear them in the summer, because that would make you a total asshole. But if it’s under 50 degrees, you have my blessing to wear your Uggs. Wear them with sweatpants, spandex, jeans or pajamas. It’s all deadly.

I think the only people Uggs don’t look good on are people with stubby legs. I’m sorry, but it’s just true. They’re kind of clunky and they don’t streamline your leg unless your leg is already on the skinny side. And I’m not sure if they would hide cankles or just make them worse… I should investigate.

I haven’t even talked about the comfort factor yet. My sophomore year, when I had a pair of taupe Emu’s (the Ugg imitator, don’t worry, I have the real deal now but am going to continue to refer to this particular pair as Uggs) I wore them almost every day in the winter. I would take naps in them. Seriously. I’m not kidding. I would come back from class in sweatpants and Uggs, and crawl right into my bottom bunk (Have you ever napped on a bottom bunk? It’s heaven) and sleep for hours. And when I woke I would be so perfectly comfortable in my Juicy velour sweatpants and my toasty Uggs that I could have stayed in bed forever.

Last but not least:

3. Twilight

I’ve already devoted a full post to Twilight, so I won’t take up too much of your time here. But I started off thinking that Vampire books for tweens were for losers and now I can’t get enough of them. I’ve only read the first 2 our of the 4-book series and I haven’t seen the movie yet. I think I’m going to watch the movie soon, and I think I’m going to fall in love with it. Hard.



But although I love the Twilight series (and by Twilight series I mean reading about Edward and Bella’s relationship) it does annoy me frequently. Because yes, the first book takes at least 200 pages to uncover the fact that Edward is a vampire when it has that information on the back of the book (but in her defense, when Stephanie Meyer wrote Twilight I doubt she expected it to take off to the point where everyone knew the basic story before reading the first page). And yes, when Jacob turned into a werewolf I had to put the book down for a little while and rethink what the hell I was doing with my life. But I got over it. And I kept on keeping on.


Aaaaand, I think that’s it.

Not on my watch, biatch.

Today I am going to come at you in list format with some trends that I have never fallen victim to.

Knowing already what I’m going to say about the first trend I’m going to be bashing, Goucho Pants, I know I’m going to sound like a broken record throughout this list saying either “you’re an idiot” or “you’re an asshole” about the people who wear these things. But what can I say? You do and you are.

1. Goucho Pants.
Soooooo Goucho pants. First of all, these are legit the most unflattering things ever. I don’t care how skinny you are, billowy pants that end at mid calf are not going to make you look good, they’re just not. And not only do you not look good, but you look like a total asshole (that’s 1). And if your thighs are just a hair bigger than an anorexic person’s you’re going to look like a dumpy fat ass too. That’s just how it is for this “style”… if you can even call it that.

Thankfully the Goucho pant fell back out of style a while ago, aka if you’re still wearing them, you look like an even bigger asshole (that’s 2) than before because now you are not just wearing something ugly, but it’s not even “cool” anymore (and in my opinion, never was). But I take pride in the fact that from the first day I saw these hideous twist on the Capri-pant, I had not one ounce of attraction towards them. I never so much as even tried a pair on. So maybe I’m the ONE person Goucho pants actually look good on! But I guess we’ll never know, because I’m not taking that risk. And the odds are highly stacked in favor of me looking like an idiot.

2. The headband ‘round the forehead.



You. Look. Like. An. Asshole. (that’s 3). How does that headband do anything other than make you look like an asshole (that’s 4)? It holds literally no purpose. It doesn’t hold your hair in any sort of desirable position. Oh are you a hippie? Did you go to Woodstock? Do you burn bras in effigy? Do you smoke pot and throw peace signs in pictures? Because I do, and I’m not putting a goddamn headband around my forehead.

But as opposed to no one being able to pull off ugly trend #1, this trend can be pulled off by some. For example, I don’t hate it when the Olsen twins do it, but like come on… they’re the Olsen twins. They haven’t eaten since the final episode of Full House, they've dated every good looking guy that’s out there, one of them killed Heath Ledger, and they are billionaires. So they can do what they want (except wear Goucho pants). But YOU cannot. I don’t care how alternative and cool you think you are. You look like an idiot and people shouldn’t talk to you in public if you’re wearing this trend.

And after trying to find pictures with the Olsen twins wearing headbands, these are the only two examples I've found. And you know what? She looks like an idiot.



I remember the first time I saw someone wear the headband around their head. It was sort of before it was an actual trend so I guess I give her props for that. But we were pre-gaming and I was like oh, maybe she’s just wearing it around the apartment to be goofy. And then when we exited the front door to go out to an actual public place and she didn’t take it off, I started to get suspicious. And by suspicious I mean seriously uncomfortable. If you’re talking to someone who is wearing a headband around their forehead it is virtually impossible not to stare directly at it and wonder what is going on inside the headband-clad head that made this person think that they look good.



In the headband around the forehead’s defense, I must say I like it a lot better when it rides that dangerous line between hairline and forehead, as exhibited here:



But that doesn’t mean I’m still not talking about you behind your back if I see you wearing it like that either… And you know what? I actually just changed my mind. After looking at that picture, it's not better at all.

3. Crocs.



I was really anti Crocs for a really long time. Because seriously, unless you’re a nurse, a gardener, a toddler or someone recovering from orthopedic surgery, you shouldn’t be wearing Crocs.

One day while I was hating on Crocs and saying that I don’t understand why people wear them, my guy friend, who was sporting a pair of navy blue Crocs, made me put my foot in one. And let me just say… Wow. They are seriously comfortable. They’re like walking on a cloud. But unfortunately, due to my hyper-sensitive and oddly-large big toe, my foot doesn’t fit into the Croc mold.



And I really do feel like it was for the better. It was like God was telling me that I should stick to my guns and never wear something that I had ever had so much hatred for. Thank you hyper-sensitive big toe, which I’ve hated with disdain my entire life. Thank you for finally serving a purpose. For finally contributing to the greater good of me.

Wow, spewing all this hatred has really got me tuckered out. What a Monday.

This will have to be at least a 2-part post. So tune in later this week when I uncover more trends that I never fell victim to, and maybe even some ones that I have.

I don't go to your job and knock the dicks out of your mouth.

I know… I know. It’s been like 3 weeks. Sorry, I’ve just been really busy mourning the death of Michael Jackson. And by mourning the death of Michael Jackson I mean celebrating the freedom of little formerly molested boys everywhere… Too soon? Don’t care!

Speaking of MJ, the latest MJ joke I heard, which was yesterday, courtesy of my roommate's boss, goes a little something like this: What are Farrah Fawcet and Michael Jackson getting for Christmas? Patrick Swayze. AH! How awful is that!? It’s actually not even an MJ joke, it’s more of a Patrick Swayze joke. And I’m not sure if you can call it a joke if you’re just making fun of the fact that someone who has a terminal illness is going to die. Oh well.

I’ve also been in a slight depression because of what’s going on with TV right now. There are like no new sitcoms on and after I watch my nightly ep of Chelsea Lately I’ve got nothing else to do. It’s depressing. Actually, they played the series finale of Samantha Who? last night and Better off Ted has had new episodes, but I’m the only person in the world who watches those. Oh and D-List is new. So that's good.

This week I decided to take matters into my own hands and try out some new shows. But the only kind of new shows that are on are reality. So I bit the bullet and went for it. And I fear I have been bitten by the reality bug, because what I saw, I could not get enough of. Lets go through my reality parameters for a hot sec. The only, ONLY, competition reality show I will watch is Project Runway, which I lovingly refer to as Projy Run. I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before, but if not, I will tell you know, I have a debilitating fear that the switch to LA and Lifetime is going to TOTALLY ruin Project Runway. It’s one of those fears that keep me awake at night.

Anyway, I’m not trying to portray myself as some kind of high-society-snooty biatch when it comes to competition reality shows, but I really feel like that kind of TV is beneath me. When I lived in London I was really into Big Brother… And a couple years back I did watch I Love New York (The Entertainer’s mom was coincidentally at my birthday party last year. No biggie.)

But other than that, all of the VH1 and Bravo competition shows are just not of any interest to me (Rock of Love, Daisy of Love, Charm School, etc.) I must say I’m looking forward to Real Chance of Love 2 just because I have a huge crush on Chance and am pretty pissed I missed season 1 of that show.

And let me take a quick minute to explain why I can’t watch Top Chef even though everyone else in the whole goddamn world is obsessed with it. Perhaps I’m the only fat person I know, but I’m sorry, I cannot watch anything about food on TV. Commercials for Pizza Hut (soon to be The Hut) alone have me running to my phone and bbm-ing five people about a new pizza I just saw and asking when we can go get it. Like… that’s not normal or OK or socially acceptable.

Last week my friend Pickles sent me this link at like 11am: The Burger Register: New York’s 82 Most Notable Burgers. Even going to that now to insert the link here, had me foaming at the mouth. And you know what? That’s not a pleasant feeling. It’s like a cock-tease to my salivary glands. That sounds like really dirty. But I’m keeping it in.



I seem to have blended the line between TV and food. But I’ll say one last thing about food, which is TV related, and then move back to reality TV: I love food and I love TV but I feel the two are mutually exclusive. I don’t want food on my TV or TV on my food but I do love watching TV while I am eating food. Got it!? Great.

Lets start off with Tuesday night, which is when I discovered my first new favorite show, Miami Social. It’s on Bravo and it’s sooooo stupid. And yet amazing. It’s about an extended group of friends, including a divorced couple who live in the same building, gay guys up a storm, lavish parties, one couple who is mid-divorce, and people who own tiny dogs. I don’t think that’s a very good description at all, but I don’t know what else to say. It’s just a reality show about these people’s lives and how they all interact and love each other and hate each other and get drunk and spend an absurd amount of money. And since it’s in Miami, a bunch of the people have accents. So that’s amusing.




Also, I’ve always had this view of Miami guys of being totally disgusting and not anything I would ever touch with a 10-foot pole, which I still believe to be true, but the straight guys on this show are hot. There's something about the way they talk (only one of them has an accent, so that’s not what’s drawing me in) that is really attractive and they’re all tall and nice and hot. Tall, dark and handsome. Anyway, if I wasn’t attracted to the guys on the show I probably would have stopped watching it after the first 5 minutes instead of signing my DVR up for a season pass, COUNT IT.

Next, On Wednesday night I was surfing the channel guide late night and saw The T.O Show on VH1. I’ve heard about T.O. and his drama somewhat, but I knew nothing about him and have never even seen him. This show is gold. It starts off with T.O. being depressed in his Miami apartment (he should have hung out with the crew from Miami social!) because he had just gotten cut from the Cowboys and it ends with him making out with an Asian Real Estate broker in a hot tub in his new house in L.A. Yup. Actually technically it ends with him in his ex-fiance’s (who is GORGEOUS, btw) apartment basically asking her to get back together with him. But like, big surprise, you're a professional athlete that got dumped because he cheated. Way to be original.



For someone like T.O. I think this show is a good thing. The tag line in the print ads are genius, “You love him. You hate him. But you don’t even know him.” Something like that. And it’s just fun to see him with these two girls who he’s known forever, who are now his publicists, who convince him to move to LA in his off season so he can be close to them and they can work on the non-football side of his career. They have a strange dynamic, but I like it. They arrive in Miami with the mantra “The plan is working on the man… not the football player” and they refer to him as two different people, Terrell (pronounced Taryl, which I love) and T.O.

They love Terrell and Terrell is their best friend but not superstar T.O. They are also rude to girls he flirts with and whatever, but they love his ex-fiance. I was talking with someone about this last night and they were like "those girls are in love with him". But I object. They treat him like a brother, they are protective and they don't want him around skanks that they have to hang around because of him.

It’s a fun dynamic and I’m excited to see the season progress. And it works well for me because since I am not in touch with the football scene at all everything that happens with/to T.O. on the show is a total surprise to me, so that’s nice.

Ok… I think that’s enough for today. I know this is really long but come on, I had 3 weeks of pent up nonsense to spew!!!!!!!!!!

Aw, that's adorable, you have a crush on yourself! I'd be careful, the guy you're in love with is a douche.

If you have an accent I will have sex with you. It's as simple as that. There is nothing more attractive than an accent. An accent makes the plainest, not attractive, possibly even ugly guy seem attractive. I've met one person in my life who is turned off by accents, and I think she's a nut job, sorry Dani. I've been called an Anglophile by multiple people, and I embrace the diagnosis.

My first choice of accent, perhaps because it's always been there for me, is British. It's just so classic, it makes men sound smart and sexy even if they are saying something that is stupid and gross. I semi-recently discovered the amazingness of a South African accent, and although I have sort of bumped it into first place in my mind, on paper I have to remain an avid fan of British cause I just feel like I'd be cheating on those adorable Brits if I ditched them for the Africans. My favorite aspect of the South African accent is saying "ya" instead of "yes" or "yeah". It'd oddly German but just so good. And then the other classic British derivatives: Australian and New Zealand. Love.

I decided to write about this topic for a number of reasons. First off, a couple of weeks ago I was at this open bar party. On a Tuesday. And it was for people in the promos industry, don't ask. But the party was winding down, I was either getting my last free drink or already paying for drinks, and some guy appears behind me with his friend to order a drink. I don't know what this guy even said, but I turned around and said something along the lines of "Do I detect an accent?" that sounds like I'm intelligent... I think it was more like "Do you have an accent?"

Lets review some facts about me before we continue with this story, although when I'm around people I know well I am loud, obnoxious, friendly, talkative and again, loud, around strangers I'm as quiet as a mouse. I will never make the first move or hit on a guy. It's just not my style. Sometimes I wish I could, but it's just not me. But an accent. Oh the accent. The accent allows me to break all of my rules. And it's not even rules, it's just instinct and comfort level. But I hear an accent, you bet your bottom dollar I'm going to strike up a conversation with it.

And strike up a conversation I did. I was at least 4 Jim and Diets down at that point, so the actual content of this conversation is fuzzy at best. But I remember a large portion of the conversation with the accented man was indeed about his accent. Because I love to guess where accents are from. But that was the chink in this guy's armor. It was too much of a mix of English, Scottish and Irish, three UK accents that are very similar and yet very very different to the astute accent connoisseur like myself. I think we ended that little game of cat and mouse by me finally telling him that he was Irish because he sounded exactly like Gerry aka Gerard Butler in P.S. I Love You (great film, rent it immediately, but don't forget a box of tissues).

Comparing accents I hear to the accents I know from TV/Film is how I get my elite accent connoisseur status. Although it failed me slightly when I told a Turkish guy I was talking to one night that he was DEFINITELY from Serbia because he sounded EXACTLY like Novak Djokovic, one of my fave. tennis players. Well, as you can tell by me referring to him as "Turkish man", he was not from Serbia. But he did continue to text me incessantly after our torrent night of bar BOMO (that's black out make out, for anyone who is 2 years behind on that extremely useful acronym). So watch out, Turkey.

But unfortunately this love affair did not last (I'm back on "Scottish guy" now BUT there is a long followup story about Turkish guy, which we will tackle another day.), FYI. Although I was more than ready to go home with this complete stranger after maybe 5 minutes of sub par conversation, my married friend somehow started chatting him up and then he was gone. Sigh. But somewhere in the middle of this drunkenness my other friend joined our group convo and knew accent boy's friend, a promos producer at Comedy Central. The reveal? That "Rafe" was a voice over artist. What does that mean? Fake accent.

Do I care this guy gave me the fake accent? No. He was a totally average looking guy, and snagging an average looking guy who has an accent (fake or real) is basically the American dream. Is it not? Well, it's my American dream. Why do you think I wanted to move to London? To enjoy rain 9 months out of the year? Uh, no, because apparently that is the sitch in New York. But as I prepped for my upcoming trip to Istanbul and London I couldn't help but wonder (CBradshaw ref. Get it.) how many times will I fall in love with average looking people with bad/no personality because their accent makes me weak in the knees? The possibilities are endless.

I’m surprised when he got to the hospital they didn't take his heart and just beat it.

I am so sick of celebrity deaths. WHO CARES!? You can act like you care, but lets face it, unless you REALLY love the celebrity who died, just get over it. Stop talking about it. People die. You didn’t know this person, you don’t even know anyone who knows this person. You should not be upset by this death. Be upset by something real, like celebrity break ups and weight gain. It’s one thing if an early death cuts someone’s career short, but that is NOT the case here.

Although I was also VERY bothered by how people reacted to Heath Ledgers death (I’m sorry, I don’t find overdoses very sad, maybe you shouldn’t have been doing copious amounts of drugs to begin with) that situation was different. He had his whole career ahead of him. Michael Jackson’s career was over. His death changes nothing, except for the 50 concerts in London he was planning on, which is just weird. Like really really weird.

Lets review what Michael Jackson has done in the past 15 years… NOTHING. Well, that’s not true, he did dangle his blanket covered child over a balcony and was accused of a countless instances of child molestation. But yeah, you should totally mourn his death. It’s really sad that a black-turned-white pop artist who touches little boys inappropriately is gone. Someone send Benson and Stabler to uncover the mystery behind this heinous crime. Boo. Hoo.

Finding the other people who don’t care about Michael Jackson’s death has been my mission in the past 24 hours. And although those people have been few and far between, I am overly joyous when I can relate to someone on that matter and choose to bond over it for as long as possible.

As I was saying, “don’t care” in response to the multiple BBMs and texts I got about MJ, my favorite response to my “don’t care” was one friend who said, “He didn’t have a nose, how could he breath?” CLASSIC.

“It’s really shocking.” Oh… is it? Is it really shocking that someone who has been ill for multiple decades has finally kicked the bucket? No. It’s not. Death is always semi-shocking because even if you know it’s coming you don’t know exactly when. But dying is the most normal thing Michael Jackson has done in the past 15 years. By the way, I pulled the number 15 out of my ass, but I think it’s pretty accurate. “Heal the World” is the last thing Michael Jackson did that was worth while, so lets just call that the end of his career.

I’m not saying he wasn’t a great performer. He was. And I’m also not saying he doesn’t have a very interesting life story, because between being a pop superstar before the age of 10, getting beaten by his father, continuing to go on to become the king of pop, and then completely changing from an African American to a Caucasian, yeah, that’s an interesting story. But just because his weirdness was off the charts and so were many of his songs, I just cannot bring myself to care about this. But beyond that, I actively do not care about it.

But if you are someone who has suddenly decided to have empathy, do it for someone other than Michael Jackson's friends and family. K thanks.