Reasons I don’t watch videos that people send me online

When I worked in an office that had actual people in it, I didn’t like watching videos that people sent me because when your computer is making noise, it’s pretty blatant to everyone around you that you’re not doing work. And I liked to keep a low profile about how much time I spent not doing work, because it was a shit load. But that excuse was also just very convenient since most of the stuff I did end up watching didn’t come close to approximating what I consider to be funny or interesting (and that is a super low bar, since I laugh at almost anything).

I don’t know though, it’s something about videos that don’t capture me or entertain me, which is weird because I watch more TV than most people I know. But I usually watch episodes of Seinfeld or Will & Grace that I’ve already seen 10 times, or a show I already know I like. Something like a youtube video is usually pretty risky. There are some old-school youtube videos that I look back on fondly, like “Shoes” and “Let me borrow that top”. And then there was like that really serene rocking chair that you stare at and then something loud and scary happens and everyone who is huddled around the computer screen together gasps and twitches in reactionary terror. That’s a classic.

But that was in college, when everything was light-hearted and fun and I had more free time (did I, though?) to fuck around. If you work in a cube, even if you have facebook and gchat up all day everyday (which I always did/do and used to get scolded about it every once in a while) I still think playing a video is taking things a little too far. And that is coming from someone who had a TV on their desk and would shamelessly watch tennis during major tournaments. But for some reason I think videos on the computer are slap in the face to the higher ups (who do usually deserve a slap in the face, but let’s be cordial), “Yeah, I don’t care that you pay me to do something here, I’m going to spend 3 minutes watching a clip from the today show about a man that hasn’t left his house in 8 years because he’s too fat. So HA! "

I’m trying to think of the last video link I clicked that I was really upset about. I have a feeling it was like a clip from a spelling bee or something. Not interested. If I was the kind of person who watched Spelling Bee’s on ESPN2 or something, maybe I’d like it, but I don’t. And I didn’t. Either way I remember going off on my friend for sending me the link, “Why the fuck would I ever want to watch that. Never send me anything this stupid or uninteresting ever again. I can not believe you dared to waste my time like this.” Obviously from my reaction, you can tell I have a very high-powered position and cannot be wasted with such trivial nonsense. Psych. It just rubbed me the wrong way, as mediocre online videos always do.

Don’t even get me started on how I treated my friend who sent me some sort of puppy cam. Which I clicked on when all of the puppies were fast asleep and not even moving. Really? That’s what you’re doing to procrastinate the work you have to do? You must actually hate your job more than I do, because that is seriously depressing. Speaking of dogs, I don’t hate the video of that dog speed running in his sleep, because it’s mildly amusing and it’s only like 38 seconds long. But if you send me a video and I get past the one-minute mark and I haven’t laughed out loud, prepare to receive a totally unwarranted wrath of hatred that is lousy with expletives.