Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Suck My Blood.

I totally get it. Do you HEAR (slash read) what Edward Cullen is saying to her? The guy/vampire has been alive for almost a hundred years and has never felt the way he does about Bella ever before for anyone. I don’t even understand why this book is such a Tween-specific phenomenon. I’m pretty sure every girl/woman/gay/lesbian/transgender/transsexual person wants a guy to say exactly what Edward Cullen says to Bella. And yeah, it helps that he’s ridiculously good looking.

Ok, I’m the first person who is anti anything about vampires. Because I have issues with things that could never be real… because I like to imagine that amazing things that happen in books/movies/TV could happen to me. I basically want every romantic comedy or sitcom to be my life, and I take extraordinary measures to make that happen. And by extraordinary measures I mean I do nothing. And doing nothing is like my favorite thing to do everrrrrrrr. What do they do in Friends? Seinfeld? Nothing. All day long. What's better than shootin’ the shit with your BFFs?

So obviously I had an aversion to Twilight for a while. I’m the first to admit it, I scoffed at people when they talked about it and I made comments like, “I’m not into vampires, thanks.” I once thought I could be but after the first few eps of True Blood I wasn’t in love enough to add it into my physically-taxing TV-watching regimen. Although whats-her-name looks great. She should totally stick with the blond hair. Anna Paquin. That’s her name.

But, yeah. Vampires? No thanks. But all that changed when I was in Miami last weekend, at my dear friend DB’s apartment. As I arrived in her glorious abode after a day in the sun (getting burned, don’t worry, I’m still peeling. Miserable.) DB had Twilight on in her living room. “Ugh, what the hell is everyone’s obsession with this?” was obviously my question upon entering. DB's answer was: "I've watched this movie 6 times this week. It actually gets me off."

DB and I are both self-admitted exaggerators. Every movie is the best movie we've ever seen. Every guy is the hottest guy in the world, etc, etc. And yet DB's enthusiasm is what got me to reconsider my hatred towards the Blackberry and thus pull a John Kerry flip-flop and get a Blackberry and become obsessed with it and HATE everyone who doesn't have one. I just enjoy saying "John Kerry flip-flop" but am completely against the way he was persecuted for it when he was running for president and the notion of flip-flopping having such a negative connotation... Caution: brief political rant about to ensue…

Yeah, it's annoying when people change their mind. But if you go into a situation thinking one thing, and then you gather more information, and then you change your opinion on the issue AS A DIRECT RESULT of this new information, that is not flip flopping. I would have hated George Bush way less if he actually had flip-flopped. It takes a real man to admit their wrongdoings. But to continue fighting a war after it has been proven that your MAIN POINT for starting the war is false... COME ON! I was all for the war in Iraq when I thought they had weapons of mass destruction, buttttttttt they don't. So I John Kerry flip-flopped my ass right over to being against the war. Sorry. But this is like simple logic here.

Back to Twilight: I was immediately attracted to the gray colors on the screen. As DB continued to gush about how in love she was with it and how she wished she had read the book before the movie,my favorite classical song ever (which I will be walking down the isle to, Clair de Lune by Debussy) came on, and I decided to request that she turn the movie off so that I could read the book before I saw the movie. I started the book that night and finished it in 3 days. And had sex dreams about Edward Cullen throughout.

And I would say that this book is for desperate people who are looking for a love like Edward and Bella’s. But no. It’s not desperate people, it’s everyone who has a vagina. Married or single. Desperate, depressed or happy. They all love it. Don’t get a guy to read it, I’m telling you he’s not going to like it.

The obsession is similar to the Da Vinci code phenomenon. Reading isn’t always the easiest thing to do, and people are lazy. I, for example, stop reading books for like years at a time. Because watching TV is just so great, why would I waste time reading when I could be watching TV? But then you get into a good book and you just get sucked in and then you’re back to reading again. Books like Twilight are the books that have the ability to suck you in. It’s mindless… It’s like watching TV.

So now I’m kind of scared to see the movie, because we all know the movie is never as good as the book (Da Vinci code being a prime example, duh). But obviously I have to see it. And my latest predicament is that my cousin told me I should read the rest of the series (3 more books) before I see the first movie. Which I don’t get and am confused about and quite frankly don’t have the time/energy/patience to do. Please feel free to comment on how you think I should handle this very very serious and potentially life-changing predicament that I’m in.


Joseph said...

Twilight is, in fact, only for girls. My wife is a 30 year old woman who was hooked - completely hooked, I tell you - on the same book her students (high school seniors) were reading. And she took them to the movie. And they all hated it. Amazing.

slenslee said...

1) Robert Pattinson or whatever Cedrick Diggery's real name is looks like a frog. Literally. I would probably lick his face to see if he got me high (what? that's toads, you're an idiot).

2) Anna Paquin is offensive. Maybe it's cuz she has the most screeching disgusting unattractive accent of all time, maybe it's cuz she has a gap in her teeth that would make even Mike Tyson blush, I don't know, all I know is, I'd like to learn taekwondo just to kick her in the face (oh wait I'm a blue belt).

3) Claire De Lune, yes, best song ever.

aliza said...

READ THE OTHER THREE BOOKS (before, during, or after you see the movie).