Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Amazon Is Ruining My Life

Is that the biggest overstatement of the century? Definitely. Because once I explain to you why AMAZON IS RUINING MY LIFE you’re going to be like “Oh, that’s not a big deal”. And it’s not. If anything, this is “GRINDS MY GEARS” status at best. 

If you’ve been on Amazon lately you might have noticed little virtual tags on some lower priced items that read “add-on item”. But there’s also a good chance you didn’t notice it and you tried to add an item to your bag and you couldn’t check out. This, is one of those stories.

A few years ago I was trying to order a sweater shaver. You may or may not be aware of what that is. But if you don’t live in tropical climates, a sweater shaver is highly necessary because sweaters pill and look worn out quite quickly sometimes. The sweater shaver makes your sweater look brand new. It is a wonderful invention.

I even google imaged a before and after for you. So you can see with your own eyes, how great the sweater shaver is..

Anyway... It was the depths of winter 2010. No one was using the term “Polar Vortex” because that didn’t exist until like yesterday as far as I’m concerned. But yeah, it was cold. My sweaters were looking shabby. I went on Amazon to buy a sweater shaver.

It’s so cheap! That’s awesome! Under $10 and my entire sweater collection will be revitalized! I am killing it, you guys!

Nope. I had it loaded into my cart and NO WHERE did I see a button for check out. I thought I was going insane. I thought Sir Ashton Kutcher HIMSELF was punking me in an elaborate plan to prevent me from checking out on Amazon. I’ve done enough online shopping in my day to know there is always a way to give people your money. And it’s usually pretty easy (having your credit card number memorized always helps).

I honestly don’t remember the details of how I finally discovered this was an “add-on item”, but that’s exactly what it is. And NOW, in 2014, from inside the #PolarVortex, there is an explanation. Which I have pasted here:

I’m glad this is helping you keep your prices low, but WHAT GOOD ARE LOW PRICES IF I CAN’T ACTUALLY PURCHASE THE PRODUCTS!?!?!?!??! Zero.

And maybe you don’t live in NYC and you have Amazon Prime and like my mother you think it’s INSANE that I don’t order my paper towels and toilet paper from Amazon Prime. But if you think I have storage space for a 24-pack of paper towels, you’re fucking high.

I ended up buying my sweater shaver from Bed Bath and yes, my sweaters are all looking amazing. But still, add-on items haunt me. Currently the add-on items in my cart are the throat lozenges promoted by Martha Stewart in the creepiest video you will ever watch ever. And also some Rose Water spray, because Rose has a higher vibrational frequency!!!! JK, hippie nonsense, I just like how it smells. 

I will not-so patiently await (it's already been like a month!!!) to have a more expensive item to order from Amazon Prime so that I can get all of my inexpensive items as well. And I will NOT be happy about it.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Lots and lots of TV Nonsense

I know it’s really early in the year, but the best day of the month and possibly the year (maybe we should just say best day of this winter? Still too extreme?) is fast approaching. That day is January 12. This Sunday. God's day. JK, THERE IS NO GOD!!! LOL!!!

Why January 12, you ask? Is it because it’s EXACTLY 3 months before my 29th birthday? Maybe a little. You're almost 30 and you're writing a blog about TV and you wrote "JK" and "LOL" in the first paragraph? You betcha! I'm the king of the world!!!!

Something magical is happening on the television on January 12. Neigh, there are multiple magical things happening on the television that night. And I’m going to start telling you all about them. As I work through this list you’ll probably think “Oh, this is the last one.”  BUT YOU’RE WRONG! This list is as close to endless as a list about TV airing in one night can get. Which is, of course, not endless at all. But in my dreams, every night is a glorious endless night of new and amazing television. Wow, I sound super social and fun loving. It's a real wonder that I'm single.

I will start with possibly the most polarizing of this list - GIRLS.

GIRLS IS BACK!!!! And not just one episode of GIRLS, TWO EPISODES OF GIRLS!!!!!!

I won’t bore you with a praisingly obsessed and borderline psychotic tirade about how amazing GIRLS is because I started to write that and there was just SO MUCH TO SAY. So that’s going to get its very own post that you shall see one day in the not-so-distant future. NEXT!

The Golden Globes. When my roommate mentioned this as part of the January 12 line up the other day my response was “meh”. Award season is exhausting. Not only is it extremely and embarrassingly indulgent (a bunch of skinny beautiful people loving and praising each other) AND long (pre-show + awards, oy!) but also emotionally exhausting to watch shows and movies that you love, lose AND watch things that you absolutely hate, win. IF JIM PARSONS OR MODERN FAMILY WIN ONE MORE AWARD I'M GOING TO LOSE IT!!! Also, I’m not good at losing. Just ask the New Canaan mother who heard me shit talk her daughter when we lost “States” my freshman year on the tennis team. She was not pleased. And it wasn’t even my match. BUT THEY WERE CHEATING, YOU GUYS!!!!

BUT! THE GOLDEN GLOBES ARE HOSTED BY AMY POEHLER AND TINA FEY! Aka, I am 100% sold. If there’s a harder sell than TFey and APole, I don't know it.

Shameless.  If you haven’t watched this show, you have got to GYST (get your shit together). It is unlike any other show ever to exist (except maybe the British show that it's based on...). Equal parts comedy and drama. Equal parts awesome and awesomer. I will say it lost its footing a little this past season (cough cough, Grandma Gallagher, cough cough) and although they did pull a Homeland Season 3 finale before Homeland even pulled a Homeland Season 3 finale, I have high hopes that everything will return to being awesome and amazing and hilarious and heart warming and happy and sad simultaneously.

FYI – the show is about an impoverished family, lead by an alcoholic father, in Chicago that uses their sheer wit to get by. And friendships and relationships and family and all that jazz. Honestly, if you watch the first few episodes and aren’t immediately hooked, there’s something wrong with you deep in your soul.

Episodes.  Another Showtime instant classic. I feel like Episodes hasn’t really picked up a following and I don't know why. Too insidery? Perhaps. But you show me a TV show that's ABOUT a TV show and I will run, not walk, to my closest TV. And if someone from the Friends cast and is going to be in a show that isn’t horrible, I am going to watch that show. Honestly, I will probably watch it even if it is horrible. Actually, not really, since Mr. Sunshine was really really really really bad. I think I only watched the first two eps. Maybe more... But I will swear by Cougar Town being a legitimate and hilarious show UNTIL THE DAY I DIE.

But in Episodes, Matt LeBlanc’s award-winning performance as himself is beyond hilarious. And also there are British people involved and if you know me at all you know I can’t say no to some cheery/cheeky British accents. Paired with dry British humour, of course. CHEERS!

And lastly, True Detective. This breaks my mold as I don’t typically sign on to hour-long crime dramas unless they start with the word "Law" and end with the word "Order". BUT, not only did I just watch Edtv over staycation, but I love both Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey. Put them together? Yes. Why they ever do anything apart is really beyond me. This series looks like it was made just for them and is going to be great. Unless it's horrible. Then that will be sad.

Ok, so maybe that list wasn't anywhere close to as long as I thought. But it's a lot for one night. And I will say that I originally thought LOOKING was also on January 12. LOOKING is the new GIRLS but with gay guys and based in San Fran. I couldn't be more excited. But it's on the next Sunday -- January 19.

If we're TBCH-ing (to be completely here right now, I will admit that I did read this pilot and was not in love with it. But still sent a cold e-mail  with my resume to the showrunner via some serious  HBO stalking and asked to work on it. And never heard back, obvi! And then they put my FAVORITE SONG in their teaser and I was like SOLD! Say "Sold" again. Sold!!!!!!!!!

Alright. That's it from me! Almost...

Here is what my DVR will be looking like this 2014 winter:

Thursday January 2:
Community, 8pm on NBC

Sunday January 5:
Downton Abbey, 9pm on PBS

Tuesday January 7:
Pretty Little Liars, 8pm on ABC Family
Brooklyn Nine-Nine, 8:30pm on Fox
New Girl, 9pm on Fox
The Mindy Project, 9:30pm on Fox
Trophy Wife, 9:30pm on ABC
Cougar Town, 10pm on TBS
Thursday January 9:
Parks and Recreation, 8:30pm on NBC

Monday January 13:
How I Met Your Mother, 8pm on CBS

Tuesday January 14:
Kroll Show, 10:30pm on Comedy Central

Wednesday January 15:
Suburgatory, 8:30pm on ABC

Sunday January 19:
Looking, 10:30pm on HBO

Friday February 7:
The Winter Olympics!!!!!! on NBC

Friday February 14:
House of Cards on Netflix

Thursday February 27:
Portlandia at 10pm on IFC

A more complete list of returning shows can be found here.