Friday, July 31, 2009

Some people write symphonies... This is my gift.

And we’re back! Ok. I’ll go into the last couple of trends I never took part in, because I know you are just DYING to find out.

1. Turtle Neck Sandals.

These guys are new this season. And I have to say, at first I was intrigued by them, then confused, then filled with rage. It’s like a slouchy flat boot that just doesn’t cover your toes. It’s weird. It’s disheartening. First of all, they don’t look that comfortable. Other than their general looseness there’s just something about them that makes me feel like I don’t want to be walking around in them, like they're just going to be a really awkward and uncomfortable foot wedgie. Toe wedgie?

You know how the eyes are the windows to the soul? Well the ankles are the furnace of the leg. They should not be covered, especially in suede or fake suede or whatever it is, in the middle of the summer.

And speaking of imitation-boot sandals. When I see people wearing shit like this I want to go Tanya Harding on their ass and take a crowbar to their legs.

2. Lost

Lemme tell you a little something about Lost. I started watching it before you did. And by started watching it, I mean I watched two episodes. I HATE when people lay claim to things because they did it first. But I do that exact thing all the time and consider myself better and cooler than you in doing so. Ever heard of John Mayer? I was listening to Room for Squares before you were running through the halls of your high school while screaming the lyrics to “No Such Thing” at the top of your lungs. But that’s neither here nor there. I’m aware John Mayer is a HUGE douche but I don’t care. His music sooths my soul.

Ok, back to Lost. One of my roommates junior year watched Lost before any of you. She was way into it from day one. So since I ruled the remote control in my apartment like a freaking Nazi, my roommate had to reserve the TV for Lost weeks in advance and then persuade me to watch the season premiere of season 2 with her. Fine, I’m all for trying new things (am I?) so I decided to give it a whirl.

And I liked it, I really did. It was really intense and like 5 people got shot and some kid was like sold into slavery on a raft or some shit and I think they may have even discovered the hatch? Yes? No? I don’t even know. But I was like, “Wow, this is pretty good.” And then I was just like, “Do I really have the time to be adding hour-long shows into my already very busy Seinfeld re-run watching schedule?” The answer was no, and I never looked back. And two years later, when everyone and their mom decided that they were going to watch Lost and talk about it ALL THE GODDAMN TIME, I was like peace bitches, been there, done that. Like people refusing to go out to dinner or drinks on Wednesday night because they need to get home to watch Lost live. You're an asshole. Watch it on DVR and get over yourself and your nerdy sci fi show.

OK, now here are some of the main trends I fell into, and fell into hard. Some things I will argue with you about all day long until I stop making sense and start arguing against myself but still stand behind my trend. What? Exactly.

1. Mac

I’m sorry, it’s just better. In middle school I somehow conned my parents into buying one of those cool candy colored Macs as our family computer, I believe it was the iMac. And let me tell you, that thing stunk. It was horrible. It never worked and it was so confusing and I hated every second that I was using it instead of admiring its pretty candy-coated exterior. When we finally switched back to a PC in my house I could not have been happier and I swore to myself I would never touch a Mac again if I had any control over it…

But I didn’t… Because Macs are actually all around us. And after using only Macs in the journalism lab in college and having my Acer laptop be the most annoying thing East of the Mississippi and south of the Mason-Dixon, I was convinced to go back to Mac. And I got a MacBook. The very MacBook I am typing on right now, AT THIS VERY SECOND! And I’m so in love with it. It’s not a computer, it’s a friend. It’s a pretty, cool, tech savvy friend that you can take with you everywhere you go!

I know, a PC is what you grew up with. How you first formed a relationship with computer and how you learned your way around. I get it. I was once that way too. But once you let go of that rigid perception of what a computer is supposed to be, it is liberating. Being on a Mac is like being on vacation. It’s relaxing and streamlined and user-friendly. Everything you need is there and it’s all laid out nice and easy. PCs are for fools and old people. Get your head in the game and jump on board. You won’t regret it.


I never was too against Uggs, I don’t think. But it did take me a little while to get actively into Uggs. As long as you don’t have a douchey pair of uggs, like pink with rhinestones or some shit, Uggs are fine. I usually hear the Ugg revolt coming from guys, saying they look stupid. But they don’t. I prefer the Chestnut brown color and the Classic Tall style, and they go with anything. Also popular is the Ultra style. Which was the style of my first pair. But now I’m way into the Classic and would never change.

I’m not saying to wear them in the summer, because that would make you a total asshole. But if it’s under 50 degrees, you have my blessing to wear your Uggs. Wear them with sweatpants, spandex, jeans or pajamas. It’s all deadly.

I think the only people Uggs don’t look good on are people with stubby legs. I’m sorry, but it’s just true. They’re kind of clunky and they don’t streamline your leg unless your leg is already on the skinny side. And I’m not sure if they would hide cankles or just make them worse… I should investigate.

I haven’t even talked about the comfort factor yet. My sophomore year, when I had a pair of taupe Emu’s (the Ugg imitator, don’t worry, I have the real deal now but am going to continue to refer to this particular pair as Uggs) I wore them almost every day in the winter. I would take naps in them. Seriously. I’m not kidding. I would come back from class in sweatpants and Uggs, and crawl right into my bottom bunk (Have you ever napped on a bottom bunk? It’s heaven) and sleep for hours. And when I woke I would be so perfectly comfortable in my Juicy velour sweatpants and my toasty Uggs that I could have stayed in bed forever.

Last but not least:

3. Twilight

I’ve already devoted a full post to Twilight, so I won’t take up too much of your time here. But I started off thinking that Vampire books for tweens were for losers and now I can’t get enough of them. I’ve only read the first 2 our of the 4-book series and I haven’t seen the movie yet. I think I’m going to watch the movie soon, and I think I’m going to fall in love with it. Hard.

But although I love the Twilight series (and by Twilight series I mean reading about Edward and Bella’s relationship) it does annoy me frequently. Because yes, the first book takes at least 200 pages to uncover the fact that Edward is a vampire when it has that information on the back of the book (but in her defense, when Stephanie Meyer wrote Twilight I doubt she expected it to take off to the point where everyone knew the basic story before reading the first page). And yes, when Jacob turned into a werewolf I had to put the book down for a little while and rethink what the hell I was doing with my life. But I got over it. And I kept on keeping on.

Aaaaand, I think that’s it.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Not on my watch, biatch.

Today I am going to come at you in list format with some trends that I have never fallen victim to.

Knowing already what I’m going to say about the first trend I’m going to be bashing, Goucho Pants, I know I’m going to sound like a broken record throughout this list saying either “you’re an idiot” or “you’re an asshole” about the people who wear these things. But what can I say? You do and you are.

1. Goucho Pants.
Soooooo Goucho pants. First of all, these are legit the most unflattering things ever. I don’t care how skinny you are, billowy pants that end at mid calf are not going to make you look good, they’re just not. And not only do you not look good, but you look like a total asshole (that’s 1). And if your thighs are just a hair bigger than an anorexic person’s you’re going to look like a dumpy fat ass too. That’s just how it is for this “style”… if you can even call it that.

Thankfully the Goucho pant fell back out of style a while ago, aka if you’re still wearing them, you look like an even bigger asshole (that’s 2) than before because now you are not just wearing something ugly, but it’s not even “cool” anymore (and in my opinion, never was). But I take pride in the fact that from the first day I saw these hideous twist on the Capri-pant, I had not one ounce of attraction towards them. I never so much as even tried a pair on. So maybe I’m the ONE person Goucho pants actually look good on! But I guess we’ll never know, because I’m not taking that risk. And the odds are highly stacked in favor of me looking like an idiot.

2. The headband ‘round the forehead.

You. Look. Like. An. Asshole. (that’s 3). How does that headband do anything other than make you look like an asshole (that’s 4)? It holds literally no purpose. It doesn’t hold your hair in any sort of desirable position. Oh are you a hippie? Did you go to Woodstock? Do you burn bras in effigy? Do you smoke pot and throw peace signs in pictures? Because I do, and I’m not putting a goddamn headband around my forehead.

But as opposed to no one being able to pull off ugly trend #1, this trend can be pulled off by some. For example, I don’t hate it when the Olsen twins do it, but like come on… they’re the Olsen twins. They haven’t eaten since the final episode of Full House, they've dated every good looking guy that’s out there, one of them killed Heath Ledger, and they are billionaires. So they can do what they want (except wear Goucho pants). But YOU cannot. I don’t care how alternative and cool you think you are. You look like an idiot and people shouldn’t talk to you in public if you’re wearing this trend.

And after trying to find pictures with the Olsen twins wearing headbands, these are the only two examples I've found. And you know what? She looks like an idiot.

I remember the first time I saw someone wear the headband around their head. It was sort of before it was an actual trend so I guess I give her props for that. But we were pre-gaming and I was like oh, maybe she’s just wearing it around the apartment to be goofy. And then when we exited the front door to go out to an actual public place and she didn’t take it off, I started to get suspicious. And by suspicious I mean seriously uncomfortable. If you’re talking to someone who is wearing a headband around their forehead it is virtually impossible not to stare directly at it and wonder what is going on inside the headband-clad head that made this person think that they look good.

In the headband around the forehead’s defense, I must say I like it a lot better when it rides that dangerous line between hairline and forehead, as exhibited here:

But that doesn’t mean I’m still not talking about you behind your back if I see you wearing it like that either… And you know what? I actually just changed my mind. After looking at that picture, it's not better at all.

3. Crocs.

I was really anti Crocs for a really long time. Because seriously, unless you’re a nurse, a gardener, a toddler or someone recovering from orthopedic surgery, you shouldn’t be wearing Crocs.

One day while I was hating on Crocs and saying that I don’t understand why people wear them, my guy friend, who was sporting a pair of navy blue Crocs, made me put my foot in one. And let me just say… Wow. They are seriously comfortable. They’re like walking on a cloud. But unfortunately, due to my hyper-sensitive and oddly-large big toe, my foot doesn’t fit into the Croc mold.

And I really do feel like it was for the better. It was like God was telling me that I should stick to my guns and never wear something that I had ever had so much hatred for. Thank you hyper-sensitive big toe, which I’ve hated with disdain my entire life. Thank you for finally serving a purpose. For finally contributing to the greater good of me.

Wow, spewing all this hatred has really got me tuckered out. What a Monday.

This will have to be at least a 2-part post. So tune in later this week when I uncover more trends that I never fell victim to, and maybe even some ones that I have.

Friday, July 24, 2009

I don't go to your job and knock the dicks out of your mouth.

I know… I know. It’s been like 3 weeks. Sorry, I’ve just been really busy mourning the death of Michael Jackson. And by mourning the death of Michael Jackson I mean celebrating the freedom of little formerly molested boys everywhere… Too soon? Don’t care!

Speaking of MJ, the latest MJ joke I heard, which was yesterday, courtesy of my roommate's boss, goes a little something like this: What are Farrah Fawcet and Michael Jackson getting for Christmas? Patrick Swayze. AH! How awful is that!? It’s actually not even an MJ joke, it’s more of a Patrick Swayze joke. And I’m not sure if you can call it a joke if you’re just making fun of the fact that someone who has a terminal illness is going to die. Oh well.

I’ve also been in a slight depression because of what’s going on with TV right now. There are like no new sitcoms on and after I watch my nightly ep of Chelsea Lately I’ve got nothing else to do. It’s depressing. Actually, they played the series finale of Samantha Who? last night and Better off Ted has had new episodes, but I’m the only person in the world who watches those. Oh and D-List is new. So that's good.

This week I decided to take matters into my own hands and try out some new shows. But the only kind of new shows that are on are reality. So I bit the bullet and went for it. And I fear I have been bitten by the reality bug, because what I saw, I could not get enough of. Lets go through my reality parameters for a hot sec. The only, ONLY, competition reality show I will watch is Project Runway, which I lovingly refer to as Projy Run. I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before, but if not, I will tell you know, I have a debilitating fear that the switch to LA and Lifetime is going to TOTALLY ruin Project Runway. It’s one of those fears that keep me awake at night.

Anyway, I’m not trying to portray myself as some kind of high-society-snooty biatch when it comes to competition reality shows, but I really feel like that kind of TV is beneath me. When I lived in London I was really into Big Brother… And a couple years back I did watch I Love New York (The Entertainer’s mom was coincidentally at my birthday party last year. No biggie.)

But other than that, all of the VH1 and Bravo competition shows are just not of any interest to me (Rock of Love, Daisy of Love, Charm School, etc.) I must say I’m looking forward to Real Chance of Love 2 just because I have a huge crush on Chance and am pretty pissed I missed season 1 of that show.

And let me take a quick minute to explain why I can’t watch Top Chef even though everyone else in the whole goddamn world is obsessed with it. Perhaps I’m the only fat person I know, but I’m sorry, I cannot watch anything about food on TV. Commercials for Pizza Hut (soon to be The Hut) alone have me running to my phone and bbm-ing five people about a new pizza I just saw and asking when we can go get it. Like… that’s not normal or OK or socially acceptable.

Last week my friend Pickles sent me this link at like 11am: The Burger Register: New York’s 82 Most Notable Burgers. Even going to that now to insert the link here, had me foaming at the mouth. And you know what? That’s not a pleasant feeling. It’s like a cock-tease to my salivary glands. That sounds like really dirty. But I’m keeping it in.

I seem to have blended the line between TV and food. But I’ll say one last thing about food, which is TV related, and then move back to reality TV: I love food and I love TV but I feel the two are mutually exclusive. I don’t want food on my TV or TV on my food but I do love watching TV while I am eating food. Got it!? Great.

Lets start off with Tuesday night, which is when I discovered my first new favorite show, Miami Social. It’s on Bravo and it’s sooooo stupid. And yet amazing. It’s about an extended group of friends, including a divorced couple who live in the same building, gay guys up a storm, lavish parties, one couple who is mid-divorce, and people who own tiny dogs. I don’t think that’s a very good description at all, but I don’t know what else to say. It’s just a reality show about these people’s lives and how they all interact and love each other and hate each other and get drunk and spend an absurd amount of money. And since it’s in Miami, a bunch of the people have accents. So that’s amusing.

Also, I’ve always had this view of Miami guys of being totally disgusting and not anything I would ever touch with a 10-foot pole, which I still believe to be true, but the straight guys on this show are hot. There's something about the way they talk (only one of them has an accent, so that’s not what’s drawing me in) that is really attractive and they’re all tall and nice and hot. Tall, dark and handsome. Anyway, if I wasn’t attracted to the guys on the show I probably would have stopped watching it after the first 5 minutes instead of signing my DVR up for a season pass, COUNT IT.

Next, On Wednesday night I was surfing the channel guide late night and saw The T.O Show on VH1. I’ve heard about T.O. and his drama somewhat, but I knew nothing about him and have never even seen him. This show is gold. It starts off with T.O. being depressed in his Miami apartment (he should have hung out with the crew from Miami social!) because he had just gotten cut from the Cowboys and it ends with him making out with an Asian Real Estate broker in a hot tub in his new house in L.A. Yup. Actually technically it ends with him in his ex-fiance’s (who is GORGEOUS, btw) apartment basically asking her to get back together with him. But like, big surprise, you're a professional athlete that got dumped because he cheated. Way to be original.

For someone like T.O. I think this show is a good thing. The tag line in the print ads are genius, “You love him. You hate him. But you don’t even know him.” Something like that. And it’s just fun to see him with these two girls who he’s known forever, who are now his publicists, who convince him to move to LA in his off season so he can be close to them and they can work on the non-football side of his career. They have a strange dynamic, but I like it. They arrive in Miami with the mantra “The plan is working on the man… not the football player” and they refer to him as two different people, Terrell (pronounced Taryl, which I love) and T.O.

They love Terrell and Terrell is their best friend but not superstar T.O. They are also rude to girls he flirts with and whatever, but they love his ex-fiance. I was talking with someone about this last night and they were like "those girls are in love with him". But I object. They treat him like a brother, they are protective and they don't want him around skanks that they have to hang around because of him.

It’s a fun dynamic and I’m excited to see the season progress. And it works well for me because since I am not in touch with the football scene at all everything that happens with/to T.O. on the show is a total surprise to me, so that’s nice.

Ok… I think that’s enough for today. I know this is really long but come on, I had 3 weeks of pent up nonsense to spew!!!!!!!!!!