Friday, May 29, 2009

Is blogging a complaint the equivalent of filing a report with the Better Business Bureau?

I get at least 3 courtesy calls at work per day. Perhaps if you work in an office of more than one person there is someone to screen these calls for you. But it’s just me here so I get them all day every day.

I was in charge of moving our office and organizing everything, and one of the things I had to do was set up our phone lines at our new office / apartment. So one day I got one of these “junk mail” calls about switching our service to Verizon, which was something I needed to do anyway. So I started talking to the guy and was like “Yeah, we have 10 lines with XO now, I want to switch to 4 lines and have them with Verizon”.

So he draws up a contract, our quoted total is supposed to be $123 a month. Not too shabby. Fine. Done. Contract signed. Everything is ready to go. So then when it comes to installing the new lines in our new office there are a bunch of issues, I’ll spare you the details, but eventually everything is up and running.

And now, now here is where my problems begin: I am still getting weekly calls saying “Our records indicate you have recently switched off of Verizon’s service”. Uh.. No… I recently left my old service and switch onto Verizon. Sweet record keeping though.

Then I start calling up this place “One Source” that I signed the contract with, trying to speak to someone about why my quote is a hundred dollars less than my actual Verizon bill. This One Source place is def a sketchy operation. My calls are dropped every time I ask the receptionist to connect me to someone. The voicemails I leave go unreturned. It’s just strange and my interaction with them has lead me to believe they’re located in someone’s basement or garage, similar if not identical to when George and Lloyd Braun soldl desktop computers out of Frank Costanza’s garage (episode title: “The Serenity Now”)

Finally today someone calls me saying, “Our records indicate you have recently switched off of Verizon’s service”. AH! So I’m like “you’re with One Source, I need to talk to someone about my quote versus my actual service.” Three people later and two dropped “transferred calls” later, I talk to someone who explains to me that there are state taxes that weren’t included in my quote.

All in all, it’s a bullshit operation. I mean I was changing to Verizon either way so they didn’t really “get” me by any means, they’re just liars and I don’t understand how this is possible. No, there are not $100 worth of taxes on my bill, you’re being ridiculous. And I’m pretty sure it’s not legal to have someone sign a contract saying they agree to pay a certain amount and then just almost double the amount when you bill them. It makes no sense. And it angers me.

All I know is, if someone tries to hold me to a contract I have ammunition to get the hell out of it.

I know this wasn’t interesting (and I left a ton out), I just needed to blow off some steam. Enjoy the weekend ☺

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Manual Labor and Physical Injuries.

Let me tell you about my day. First, while trying to get ready, I side swiped the metal part of my desk chair with my knee. It was one of those toe-stubbing injuring when you're just like "HOW did this even happen!?!?!?" The pain was INTENSE and lasted at full intensity for at least a full minute. It's still sore and now also very black and blue. So I started my day off with a bang (pun intended!) and I limped off to work.

Then I had to go down to my old office, which is now just an empty room, to wait for some people to pick things up. The first pick-up went semi-smoothly. These people were taking our old copy machine away and lets just say I highly doubt it's going to function after the way it was clumsily man handled.

The second pick up was from FedEx. When they did not show up in the half hour time window I had requested I called good old 1-800-GO-FEDEX, which was not easy to do because on a BlackBerry you cant see which letters correlate to which numbers. So I had to write out the following: "2-abc, 3-def, 4-ghi, 5-jkl, 6-mno, 7-pqrs, 8-tuv, 9-wxyv". And then once I dialed G-O-F-E-D-E-X I saw that I had programmed FedEx into my phone because I have had this exact issue before. AWESOME.

Then when I get through to FedEx I find out that the pick up I had scheduled online apparently did not go through. And usually I'd just be like "OK, whatever let's schedule it for tomorrow then" but I had had enough. This was the final straw. I had already labeled 19 large and heavy boxes with their FedEx labels and I was NOT going to do it all over again. So what did I decide? To take the boxes to FedEx myself. There was a small dolly/cart in my office, so I strapped 3 boxes, each between 25 and 50 lbs, onto the cart with a bungee cord and was on my way.

The FedEx was like 3/4 of an avenue and 1 street away. I only had to cross one street to do this. Going down the curb, across the street, and then up the curb wasn't fun, but it wasn't awful. Then, I get to FedEx and there's this giant step. Well this is just stupid. If people are going to be carrying large packages into your store, make it easy for them. Don't throw down a step and then have 2 rounds of doors to go through (first one pull, second one push). I needed a goddamn ramp soooooooo badly.

The first trip, some guy on the street helped me pick my heavy load up onto the step. The second trip I somehow pulled it up and onto my left foot. The third trip I pulled it up and onto my right big toe. I made at least 8 trips, possibly more, and I think it took around 2 hours. And then when I was finally done, and trying to put the cart away in a closet, I hit my head on a shelf in the closet.


Friday, May 22, 2009

Ode to the Three-Day Weekend

What is better than the three-day weekend? Answer: Four-day weekend. But since the latter is not readily available, I shall take the former and run with it.

Having an extra day of the weekend is like a mini-vacation. And I usually decide to take this opporrunity as a stay-cation, even though the three-day weekend is a great time to go away somewhere without having to take off a day of work. It gives me even more, much needed time to make love to my TV/dvr and to do nothing. And as you know, those are my two favorite things to do... even though they’re kind of one thing/the same thing, but whatever.

Recently I’ve decided to get really crazy and stray from my nights of doing nothing by going out after work. Seriously, in the past two weeks I’ve only had two “stay at home and watch TV" nights. That is not to say that I don’t watch TV once I get home, semi-inebriated, on the nights I do go out. I obviously crawl into bed and go right to my dvr and I’m pretty sure I’m smiling the entire time. Sometimes I even shed a tear at how happy I am to be in my bed and with my TV. And then I shed another tear at how sad it is that that makes me so happy. It’s a Catch-22 of sorts.

One issue with it though, is that I managed to have Krunch Pizza three times in one week (that was last week) and sliders from Spitzers twice this week. What? Don’t judge me. It was all delicious. And I justify these meals because on these crazy drinking nights I don’t eat dinner and then obviously once I’m drunk (or slightly tipsy from my second, and probably last, drink) I have a great drunk munch, which takes the place of dinner and then usually makes me hate life in the morning.

So back to this whole “going out” on a weeknight thing. Don’t worry, I’m so far from hardcore it’s scary. By “going out” I mean having two drinks, maybe three if I’m feeling frisky. But I have managed to do some really fun activities that I think I’m only motivated to go to because of the weather. I went to three concerts in two weeks. THREE. That’s just impressive. One was a concert and the other two were more like "gigs" but I fully enjoyed all of them. So now that I’m all tuckered out from doing things, it’s time to talk about some possibilities to fill the free time a three-day weekend brings.

So without further ado, I bring you my favorite three-day weekend activites:

Day Drinking – this is one of the most obvious things to do on a three-day weekend. No work on Monday? Why NOT get tanked on a Sunday? Day drinking goes great with warm weather, but the other great thing about it is that it is also an excellent bad weather activity, should your glorious three-day weekend be plagued by rain. Day drinking in bad weather is a sure-fire way to turn your frown upside down… and then possibly spew some vomit out of there too. But if the weather IS nice, what are you supposed to do in nice weather? Lay in the sun? Eh, you can only do that for so long, and I don’t recommend a sunburn, my last sunburn peeled for a month straight, it was awful. Play sports? Eh, too active. Sit outside and drink with friends (or by yourself)? YES! It’s kind of like the riddle “is the water blue because it reflects the ocean or is the ocean blue because it reflects the sky?” Do you day drink because it is nice out or is it nice out because you’re day drinking… No?

More Day Drinking- And the other great thing about day drinking, is that it opens you up to a different genre of drinks than night drinking. Going to brunch? Drink a mimosa or a bloody mary. Sitting by the pool or on the beach? Go for a Corona with a lime, a Twisted Tea or if you're lucky enough somewhere where Fire Fly vodka is readily available make an alcoholic Arnold Palmer, or just mix it with water and ice. (Unfortunately, Fire Fly vodka is not yet available in the greater New York metro area. I spent 2 hours at work one day, locked in an office, calling different package stores to find out where I can get this delicious and amazing sweet-tea flavored vodka. It wasn't mission difficult, it was mission impossible. And I failed miserably)

TV/Movie Watching – if you have the luxury of an extra day off work, what better time is there to catch up on TV and movies that you’re behind on. Because if you don’t catch up, you’re not going to be able to hold conversation with your co-workers (thank God I don’t work in a real office anymore). Obviously if the weather is awesome you want to be outside (see above) but if it’s raining there is ample time to get a movie OnDemand, or even actually go to a movie in theaters (aggressive, I know), or just go through your dvr and watch everything you have. This is perfect for the third day of a three-day weekend because there are certain errands you just can’t complete on a “bank holiday”: You can’t go to the post office, you can’t go to the bank, go to a Dr.’s appointment, go to the dry cleaner, go to the shoe repairman (these are all a bunch if things that I need to do that I will not be able to accomplish in the extra weekend day). I am well versed in how to kill time on a day like that, as is every Jew who has nothing to do on Christmas.

Go Shopping- This is another good one, regardless of weather. If the weather is nice then you enjoy your stroll between stores, maybe grab some lunch outside. If it’s not nice out then you can go to big stores you can spend hours in (the day NYC gets a Target will be the day I… move out of my apartment and into a Target… or go to the Target to buy light bulbs or toilet paper and end up spending $100 on a regular basis. The possibilities are endless). But other than this just being a grand activity any day of the week, on many three-day weekends, including this one, there are SALES up a storm! If there’s something I like more than buying things, it’s buying things at a discounted price (sticking it to the man, if you will).

Smoke a Bowl- Fun for the whole family.

ENJOY THE THREE-DAY WEEKEND!!! And a special message/suggestion for the people out there who some how have today off too, making their weekend a four-day weekend: Go fuck yourself.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Best. News. Ever.

So apparently Lauren Conrad is writing a book. Like I haven't talked about reality starlets enough in the past 2 days? Buckle up for another ride on the reality train. HOW did I not know about this sooner!? Is it because I purposefully ignore all real and/or celebrity news until it is told to me 8th hand like a good/bad game of telephone? Probably. But I'm fine with it, because now I only have to wait like three weeks for the book to come out instead of hearing about this for months and DYING with anticipation. This is going to be legendary.

I don't really think it's possible for Lauren Conrad to not be successful. That doesn't even make sense since her clothing line folded (because it was awful) but what happened after her clothing line folded (even though they're playing it off like it's just closed for renovations)? She wrote a book! And if you think I'm not buying it the day it comes out (June 16), you're sorely mistaken, because unlike her clothes, it is going to be reasonable priced. But similarly to her clothing line- most of the work/brains was most likely not hers, which will not affect how I'm going to read and judge it. This book SHOULD be ghost written, if only because I need to be able to understand it. After all, it's not really possible to have a book full of blank stares and b-roll shots of L.A. (Lauren's signature move), is it? A picture book!? Done. I'll buy that too, and put it smack-dab in the middle of my coffee table, thank you very much.

After reading an excerpt of the new book L.A. Candy on Teen Vogue's website (what, you'd do it too) I am sooooo into this book. It's like a behind the scenes of Reality TV, and by Reality TV I mean The Hills. It's already addressing the questions I ask myself on a daily basis. How do the characters meet guys and go out on dates? Are they set up? IS THIS REAL OR FAKE!?!? What's going on!?!!? The excerpt I read seems to be hinting at answering all of these questions and getting all the dirty dirty Hills goss that we're all craving.

And now I hear KCav is going to be replacing Lauren on The Hills?

This doesn't even make sense. Is she going to be friends with all the girls? I'm not going to lie, I like KCav when she is separate from Lauren (because obviously I am always and forever on Team Conrad despite numerous first hand accounts that she is, indeed, a wet blanket). But I can't imagine that Lauren is actually going to allow this to go down. I actually thought I saw KCav on the subway last week and was like two seconds from asking this, most likely, completely random girl if she was Kristen Cavilleri, but instead I decided to stay put and stare at her through my sunglasses., which is something I do on the daily.

One thing about Laguna, The Hills and my life, that I really do truly believe in my heart is real, is the hatred between Lauren and KCav. Even if the situations they were put into were fake, there is no doubt in my mind that Lauren always liked Stephen (insert bleeding love clip) as more than a friend and that KCav ruined her life/dream/happiness. Those whores a year younger in high school will stop at nothing to steal your guy. I know from personal experience. And by personal experience I mean other people's experience combined with what I have seen on TV.

Don't worry, I just found a killer montage of Lauren and Stephen. ENJOY! the only thing that would make this better was if the song was "Bleeding Love" by Leona Lewis. So close yet so far.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Surfing the Web

I always say that if I were as rich as Oprah, I’d find a way to be skinny. Sorry, but if you’re a billionaire AND you appear on television, you should not chub out like Oprah does. It would be one thing if she was always big and was just like “Yeah, wattup, I’m chubby,” but she’s not. She’s constantly struggling with her weight and it’s actually fun to watch her lose it and then gain it back even worse.

So oddly related to this topic, I’ve decided to talk about celebrity websites. And by celebrity, I mean my fave gals from reality TV:

Whitney Port (of The City)

Stephanie Pratt (of The Hills)

Khloe Kardashian (of Keeping Up With The Kardashians)

I relate this to the Oprah-weight issue because it’s like, “Hi reality TV stars, do you have any money or taste to use up on a website? Apparently not because these are hideous.” And I don’t even “surf the web” or go to websites other than the sale section of, so that’s saying a lot.

Let’s start first with Whitney’s website, which looks like a Tampon commercial… or a Birth Control ad.

I don’t know why, but it just does. Her clothes, on the website, are all being modeled by models who strangely look like her, but are not her. I mean, she’s the face of the line, get out there Whit, show your stuff, everyone loves you! Actually, since I started writing this post yesterday and when I revisited her site today, the layout has kind of changed to more of a blog layout, showing me her makeup routine, asking for my decorating tips, I’m digging it.

But what I’m not enjoying – Whitney Eve? Why? Summer’s Eve? Douching products? Call me immature, but that’s right where my mind goes to when I see Whitney Eve. Is Eve her middle name? Her real last name? What a mystery. But at least her clothing line looks better than Lauren Conrad’s failed one.

Stephanie Pratt’s website is great if only because it confirms all opinions I have on her- she is a heinous douche. She should be the one with the word “Eve” in her website title… or just “douche”. She has these video “skits” on her site that are just like so awful and awkward, I die. The first indication that this website is a joke, is yet again, the design. With like weird little birds all over the place… a bird to dot the I in Stephanie? Really? I mean a heart would have been really gay and embarrassing but at least it’s semi-normal. This is just weird. The name makes me laugh.

And now I’m reading some of her stuff and it’s possible that we have the same birthday. I’m not happy about this… I’m not good at sharing, especially not with a doucher like Steph Pratt. She went to Vegas and hung out with Cory Hart and I went to an underground dance floor to which almost none of my friends came because it was Easter weekend. But yes I maintain that she is a loser and I am cool. By far the best quote in her entries “So… My brother married heidi yesterday at a gorgeous church in Pasadena. For people who know the couple -they know how deep their love and bond really is.”

I always assumed that someone else would take care of the writing on a celeb website, and that it wasn’t genuine at all, but Steph definitely writes all of this shit. It sounds like her and it’s hilariously bad and stupid and awkward… And amazing. Steph Pratt is a true-life underdog- from meth-head to MTV starlet. Wow. What a journey it’s been. If she wrote about that transition I might actually read her website updates.

But her “About Me” section is about going to “college” in Paris for a year (I don't believe that for one second) and then working as a PA on the set of Lost in Hawaii, who knew!? Did you start drugging yourself in Paris or Hawaii, I’m dying to find out. But in all seriousness, if she seriously wrote about how she went from being a drug addict to semi-famous, we could have the next James Frey on our hands here. But to be good she would need a ghostwriter, cause this moron is not writing anything that resembles literature… Or even semi-normal human communication.

And now on to the good website, my dear friend (or just celeb obsession) Khloe Kardashian. I legit just cried at work while reading her entry about her brother’s graduation from USC and about how their dad went there and it was his dream for his only son to follow in his footsteps. I can’t stop tearing. If you do not love the Kardashians, you have no soul. What a group. But without Khloe the show would never exist and Kim would still be a hot tranny mess with a sex tape and an extreme case of jungle fever. If I were to ever bite the bullet and join Twitter (which I don’t see happening anytime soon) I would DEFINITELY “follow” Khloe.

Other than the cheesy purple design and sparkling diamond graphics on Khloe’s website, I feel like hers is the only one that’s legitimate. She updates multiple times a day and just seems to be really into it. She is just trying to have a good time and I want to hang out with her. I think we’d be soul mates and best friends for life. Although I wish I was smaller so that she could physically assault me like she does to Kourtney, but I think we’re about the same size so I’m not sure how that would work… would I look that beastly on TV too? Maybe one day we’ll know.

I guess I shouldn't be so judgmental since I'm coming at you from an uncreative template by blogger, BUT I am not a celebrity. When I reach Oprah status I promise to have a kickin' bod and a sweet ass website to match.

Friday, May 15, 2009

It's The Most Hideous Time Of The Year

On an unrelated note: I arrived to work (read: the residential apartment building I work in) this morning to a horribly loud alarm going off in my office/apartment. I called down to the doorman, he heard the alarm through the phone and said “I’ll send someone up”. 30 minutes later I’m still getting blasted in the ears with this heinous noise. It is at this point I decide to take action.

The “alarm” is on the floor next to the window. I opened it and took the battery out. I’m basically a lady MacGyver in the making. So the alarm stopped, and 3 hours later no one has come to check on me. I know it’s not a smoke alarm, because a smoke alarm on the floor would be hilarious/stupid. But could it really be some sort of burglar alarm in this rich old persons building? In an apartment on the 12th floor of a building with no fire escape? I. Am. Baffled. Maybe it’s a Carbon Dioxide alarm and I’m about to fall down dead. Nice.

Soooooo, why is this the most hideous time of year, Brady? You spend your days marveling about how you wish this weather could be like this everyday of your life. And you want to eat all of your meals outside even though you probably do that less than once a week. What’s your beef?

I’m glaaaaaaaad you asked. It’s because this is the time of year when TV shows come to an end. Last night, as I got into bed upon my arrival home at 10:30, every description on my DVR had the words “season finale” in it. It was SO sad. No new 30 Rock? I don’t see how I can possibly go on. 30 Rock is my sun, my moon, my everything. I need it to get out of bed in the morning. I need it to continue living. A Thursday without 30 Rock is like… I don’t know… Something really really awful. When I have my own sitcom we’re not going to have seasons. It’s just going to go on forever. And maybe as many people who read this blog will watch my show (aka my close friends and family… and not even that many of them). And just when the show is starting to go into the part of Tina Fey's life we're all familiar with. The anticipation for next season is already killing me. Who remembers when Alec Baldwin called his daughter a pig? No one. Because 30 Rock fixes everything. It rights all wrongs. It is everything that is good and pure.

But on the plus side, I do enjoy the team B of shows that make the rounds in the summer. New sitcoms that only last for 3 episodes, ya know, stuff like that. And so help me God, if Entourage doesn’t come back sometime in the near future (I know it’s not really a summer show anymore, but I like to pretend like it still is) I will totally FREAK OUT. People like to hate on Entourage, but I’ve always liked it. Even when it was bad, I maintained that it was good. It’s like, certain shows and actors do the same thing every time. If it’s a good thing, then by all means, go for it. Entourage falls in that category (as do Jeremy Piven and Adrian Grenier).

Vince Vaughn falls in that category (Yeah, I saw Fred Claus, in theaters. What?). Will Ferrell has a cast of varieties of the same thing, but you know it’s all pretty much the same. But these people pull it off. Because it’s good. And it’s funny. Scarlett Johansson (yeah, I brought her up again, so what??) does the same thing every time, but it is awful. It is something no one should ever have to watch. But somehow she just keeps coming at me with the same character and the same look and the same voice and it’s enough to make me want to start cutting myself.

So although I watched all the comedy season finales last night (30 Rock, Parks & Recreation and The Office) I still have my drama finales to go (Grey’s and Brothers & Sisters). But what do I do after that? Start watching movies? Sorry, that is way too much of a time commitment for me. Seriously, the two movies I have on Netflix right now I have had, in my possession, since December. That’s right, I have paid Netflix no less than $75 to simply keep these DVDs in my apartment and not watch them. Awesome.

Live comedy shows at Upright Citizens Brigade and The Pit might be my only option… but I can’t do that from my bed, so it’s a far less attractive option.

And now I give you, a tribute to 30 Rock, brought to you by my borderline psychotic obsession and the wonders of Google image. May God (who?) rest your soul until you return again in the fall. I'll miss you everyday.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

My Love Affair With Nothing

I love doing nothing. I love doing nothing so much, that when I get the chance to do nothing, I grab it immediately, even if there is something I should be doing. Like, returning the boots I bought 3 months ago on Zappos. I printed out the mailing label at work a few weeks ago, but because of their 365-day return policy, I don’t see how I’m possibly going to return them any sooner than the 364th available day. That’s just how I roll.

This is also why Seinfeld is my favorite TV show. A show about nothing? Jerry obviously stole my identity. And we’re obviously meant to be man and wife. Damn you Jessica Seinfeld. Damn you and your cookbook of recipes that contain with healthy purees (which I own). You may or may not know that the only episodes of Seinfeld that I do not re-watch are the two episodes that comprise the series finale (and the Puerto Rican Day Parade episode, because it’s not replayed on TV) because I like to pretend that the series never ended. Sad but true. I have a friend who doesn’t watch the last 15 minutes of Moulin Rouge because he likes to pretend that Nicole Kidman doesn’t die and she and Ewan McGregor live happily ever after. It’s a similar concept.

So last Saturday, I had some big plans to do nothing. Usually I don’t plan on doing nothing, it just happens. But starting on like Wednesday I was telling people left and right that my Saturday game plan was to lay in bed hung over (which I usually do anyway) and to catch up on the 5+ episodes of Grey’s Anatomy that I’ve missed in preparation for the season finale that airs tonight.

I ended up not being very hung over at all, I could have totally gone to the post office to mail my boots back to Zappos, maybe get a manicure and/or pedicure so my digits don’t look like a homeless person’s. But no. I had already made plans with myself, my bed and my DVR, and although I break plans with people on a semi-regular basis, my bed and DVR are far more important to me than any friendship or family member. Sorry.

And then I had one of the best bbm conversations I have ever had.

Friend: The boys are having a Monster Mash today. The only thing is it’s some sort of pool party and I have already consumed Pringles, ice cream and Oreos. [please note this conversation occurred at 11am]
Me: Amazing.
Friend: What are you doing today?
Me: Catching up on Grey’s while laying in bed.
Friend: Ugh, book yourself a room in Crytown.
Me: I know. I like crying though. Especially at the misfortunes of others.
Friend: I don’t cry at their misfortunes. I cry because they are in love and I am fat.
Me: Hahaha
Friend: I cry because they are in love and I am going to be having sex with my sister for the rest of my life.

And then said friend proceeded to get wasted at a party and make out with a boy who in uncomfortably obsessed with her all day long. Amazing.

Back to Grey’s Anatomy and my day of nothing. I cry in every episode of Grey’s Anatomy, no matter how bad it is (and there are some BAD eps). Don’t even get me started on the three-episode series that had us “thinking” Meredith was going to die. I’m sorry, you’re not going to kill off the main character of your show, especially when the show title has her name in it, so don’t even pretend like you might. It’s rude and it insults my intelligence. Yeah, YOU HEAR ME SHONDA RHIMES!?!?

What I really hate about Grey’s is the writing. The writing is horrible. No one talks like that. My favorite example of this is from the end of season 2 when Meredith has to choose between McDreamy and Chris O’Donnell. She’s arguing with McDreamy directly before she’s about to have one of my top 5 favorite made for television sex scenes (number one is from an episode of Scrubs between Elliot and JD). Anyway: Meredith says “Finn has plan. And you’re looking at me. Stop looking at me.” And Meredith and McDreamy say the word “looking” twenty times in less than a minute. Take a gander for yourself:


People don’t talk like that. They just don’t. But the scene is still amazing somehow. I just got all hot and bothered watching it. WHO is the editor for this?! I will pay him/her to make a sex scene of me, and it will be hot and steamy and coordinated to music like this one instead of just really really awkward. And then there's other weirdness about Grey's, like how they wrote out Burke as soon as he got a bad wrap for being homophobic, and now they're writing out Katherine Heigl because she blamed the writers for not getting her a second Emmy. News flash Katherine Heigl: It is a BIZARRE bizarre twist of fate that you even won that. I'm personally convinced that two other nominees split the votes, resulting in what I like to call the Ralph Nader effect, allowing Heigl to walk away with an Emmy (like how George Bush walked away with the Presidency) that she didn't come anywhere close to deserving. You're not the only blonde that can cry on camera Heigl, get over yourself. And I don't like Ellen Pompeo either. I'm such a hater right now. Don't care.

But Grey’s redeeming quality, other than the sobfest that comes with every episode, is the music. As far as I’m concerned, Grey’s made Snow Patrol popular. And by popular I mean they’ve only had one popular song, but if you listen to their stuff, it’s AMAZING (if you need some recommendations I give you “Hands Open”, “Chocolate”, “Run”, “You Could Be Happy”.). And it will make you cry. And you will love it.

I originally started to write about nothing but then got into a tirade about Grey’s. That’ll happen. So instead of doing something on this Thursday evening, take a page out of my book and do nothing (I’ll be in class until 10, blatantly not following the advice I just gave). Watch Grey’s instead of socializing with other human beings. Cry at their hot sex and their terminal illnesses while you sit alone in your apartment on a Thursday night. And most importantly, don’t forget to book a room in Crytown.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

That time I got molested...

Calm down, I didn’t get molested. But I came pretty damn close, I’ll tell you that much. And no, I’m not Catholic.

In middle school there was this art teacher, Mr. Held, who was really creepy. Everyone that went to Bedford Middle School has his/her own Mr. Held story, it’s a right of passage (I BEG of the Bedfordians to comment with your Mr. Held story when you’re done reading this post. Because there are no Mr. Held stories too small or insignificant, they’re all great/scary).

What you’re about to read is my Mr. Held story. It is 100% non-fiction. It needs no embellishment at all, because the bizarre real events are way too twisted to attempt to twist any further with lies.

The scene: Art class, Bedford Middle School, 5th grade.

The assignment: Patterns.

So we’re drawing patterns in art class, ya know, normal 5th grade stuff. I decided my pattern was going to be hearts and flowers, which, in retrospect, is strange because I was the biggest tomboy EVER until 7th grade. Maybe the hearts and flowers thing was my inner-pothead/democrat/hippy sneaking it’s way out. Anyway, Mr. Held approaches me, in class, I wish I could remember who was sitting at the table with me so that I could refer back to the actual witnesses of this event, and he says “Oh, what’s your pattern?”

“Hearts and flowers,” I responded.

And here’s where it gets weird…

Mr. Held: Oh, I didn’t know you love sex…
5th grade Me: Um… what?
Mr. Held: Well let me explain this to you. What is a heart a symbol of?
5th grade Me: Love.
Mr. Held: And what is a flower a symbol of?
5th grad Me: Nature?
Mr. Held: Nope. Flowers are a symbol of sex. So you drawing hearts and flowers together is like saying you love sex. Do you understand?

I understand that you are FREAKING ME THE FUCK OUT, Mr. Held.

Sorry, ya fuckin sicko. But just because Georgia O’keefe painted flowers/vaginas does NOT mean that flowers are a sign of sex. My answer of “nature” in response to what flowers are a symbol of is not only totally legit, but as a full grown whoa-man (someone get that “So I Married An Axe-Murderer” reference) looking back on this incident, flowers DO signify nature way before they can be associated with sex. Especially the horrible doodled flowers of a 10-year old in art class.

I obviously went home and told my mom this story. She obviously called the school and demand that action be taken, which did not happen. Because Mr. Held, and his belt that he wore with the buckle on the side instead of in the front, had tenure and he continued to wreck havoc on the Westport Connecticut Public School System for almost 10 more years. But before he was stopped, he did send me an invitation in the mail, inviting me to a photo shoot for a book he was doing about redheads. The man was obsessed with redheads and like writing a book about them or something.

Hellooooooo?!? CREEPYYYYYY.Besides the obvious and inherent creepiness of this, the cherry on top is- NO ONE likes redheads. There’s a whole South Park episode about it! Gingers have no souls (I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Thank God I’m a Daywalker) But nope, still wasn’t caught. My mom’s friend’s son went to the photo shoot and apparently he left without being molested. So whatever. Ok… Mr. Held wasn’t a child molester, or ChiMo (pronounced Chee-Moe), as my roommate and I like to call them. But here is what happened to Mr. Held:

In 2005, Mr. Held borrowed a computer from his neighbor and left a CD in it that contained pictures of naked children. Yup. That’s how he got caught. In further investigations it was discovered that Mr. Held had one of the most prolific child porn collections on the Eastern Seaboard. He had literally MILLIONS of child porn pictures, including pictures that were taken from cameras that were placed under the desks in his classrooms. Thank God I was basically a boy back then and only wore shorts (specifically Umbros, duh). But still, who knows what he had of me, of any of us. And now he is in jail for 10 years.

If you read the article, it’s actually really sad, but like totally SVU. There should definitely be an ep based on this story, because you can’t make this shit up, it’s too good, and by good I mean horrible and disturbing. You know what I mean.

So yeah, I’m sure if I was Catholic I’d have a real story about interactions with a real live ChiMo, but for a redheaded Jew, I think this is a pretty damn good/awful one. Public school for life.

Monday, May 11, 2009

ScarJo You Don't

I have major issues with Scarlett Johansson. Other than the fact that she is, by far, the worst actress in the history of film (a female Keanu Reeves, if you will), she is just not that attractive. I’m sorry, but it’s true. And if you haven’t admitted this to yourself, you might want to take a good look at ScarJo and just think if you would seriously prefer to see that in the mirror everyday instead of your own face (if you’re a woman), because my answer is: HELLS NO. But obviously I would take her body, it's sick. After google image-ing for a picture to go along with this post, I’ve decided she isn’t as hideous in pictures than she is on the big screen, I guess her voice and lack of talent is what makes her unattractive onscreen. But don’t worry, I managed to sift through the attractive pictures of her and find the ones where she looks bad.

What confuses me even more, is Woody Allen’s obsession with her. Is it because of her giant knockers? From the man who made Diane Keaton a household name, this is what you’re giving me now?! Have you lost your mind/sight/taste??? If you have seen the movie “Scoop”, then you should know what I’m talking about. ScarJo’s monotonous yet whiney man-voice is absolutely horrible to listen to. I’d rather listen to nails on a chalkboard. “Scoop” is awful with or without ScarJo, but having her in a movie that I actually disliked was a sigh of relief, because hating the main character in movies I love isn’t an easy task, but I’ve done it time and again: Match Point, Vicky Christina Barcelona, The Prestige, In Good Company.

Get out of my good movies, ScarJo. I don’t want to see your pale, round, smirky face on my TV screen unless it’s because you’re on a worst dressed list or Ashton Kutcher is Punking you and you’re acting like a bigger bitch than Ellen Pompeo. Because that would merely prove everything that I already know to be true. And by know to be true, I mean believe in my mind without any hard evidence whatsoever.

To add insult to injury ScarJo has decided to marry my ideal man, Ryan Reynolds (come on, have you SEEN Definitely, Maybe? He’s ADORABLE). How dare she. But In Ryan Reynolds’ defense, he does not have the best track record with women and has been known to jump the gun with the whole proposal/marriage thing (Alanis Morissette anyone?)

The only redeeming quality of ScarJo is that she’s not too skinny, and that is not an easy quality to find among actresses, but I’m sure she’ll become ano and gross soon enough. I think the industry just has that power over people. Hey, if I were on camera all the time I’d probably stop eating altogether. I’m sure even Nicky Blonsky will be skinny if she ever wants a role in which she is not playing the “fat girl”. Ginnifer Goodwin is my favorite celeb weightloss before and after. Because she went from chubby friend to like really cute and dating Chris Klein (who hates fat people. Don’t worry, I read it in an article, it’s true.)

I just tried to find a clip on Youtube that perfectly illustrates why I hate ScarJo. It’s at the end of Scoop, when she fake drowns to catch Hugh Jackman in his murderous ways and then pops out of the water and is like “blah blah blah, I’m bad at acting. I’m pretending to be a Jew from Brooklyn and am failing miserably. Joke’s on you Hugh Jackman, I DO know how to swim! GOTCHA!” It is sooooooooo hard to watch.

The fact that I didn’t find it on Youtube really bothers me. The past two times I have tried to find random clips on Youtube, I have failed miserably and it really builds up some feelings of anger towards Youtube, because if I cant find a random clip of Chelsea Handler talking about why BBQ sauce and Ranch dressing are a great combo, then what is Youtube good for? Stop wasting my time! It’s precious and valuable and people pay top dollar for it. And by top dollar, I mean just above minimum wage. Thank GOD for my college education, right?

Moral of the story: I hate Scarlett Johansson and am excited for the day that audiences/directors/producers/writers also realize that she is awful and finally stop making it possible for her to be in movies.

For your viewing pleasure... Just one of the many scenes in which ScarJo is awful. I'm sorry, it's not acting when it looks/seems like you're acting. You're supposed to act natural. Everything she does is just so transparent and obvious. I CANT STAND IT!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH

Friday, May 8, 2009

Ocho De Mayo / Don't Kiss Me, I'm Not Irish

So I have this unexplained aversion to “ethnic” holidays. I’m not sure if that’s the right way to put it. But I despise St. Patrick’s day and all the drunk fools that partake in it. This year I was SOOOOOO confused because as I walked outside in the middle of the work day, there were drunk people everywhere. Don’t you people have to work? Like, do you really take a sick day to drink in the streets and wear green? Bizarre. I also have personal beef with St. Patrick’s day because as a non-Irish redhead (Day walker, NOT Ginger. I repeat, I am not a Ginger.) things get awkward for me. And I’m too bad and awkward at lying to just go with the flow and pretend like I am Irish on St. Patrick’s day. And I get the question a hundred times, “Are you Irish!!?!?!?” and then when I say I’m not the inevitable question that I get as a response is “What are you, then?” My answer: Jew.

And the issue here is that Jews don’t have a holiday where they celebrate Israel or being Jewish. Actually I’m sure there is one out there but I’m way too secular to know about it or ever take part in it. And like many Jews, especially secular Jews, I don’t know what my ancestry is. People ask me all the time and I’ve never had a good answer. I just say “Eastern European” now, and although that’s accurate, people really seem to want more details and expect you to have some sort of pride for the country that you hail from. Well I don’t. I am straight-up American, and I’m definitely not proud of it.

I’ve been in many the awkward moment because of my redheaded Jew status. My favorite of which is as follows:

I was at my tennis clinic in high school on a random Wednesday after school. I arrived at least 5 minutes late, as usual, to my “clinic” of mostly Sophomore boys, while I was a Senior. And my clinic was like 5 towns over, so I didn’t know any of these people. My tennis pro, Ryan, was the only person I really hung out with and talked to in the clinic, and I think he was probably the only reason I was in the clinic to begin with. I am still in love with Ryan and saw him two summers ago, thrice (once at a bar and twice at a fair/carnival/festival that he was at with his girlfriend, who has a son), and was too nervous and awkward to say hi for GOD KNOWS what reason. This is like one of those things I think about at least once a week and am like “GODDAMNIT BRADY WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST SAY HI?!?!?!?!”

So Ryan and I were chatting about colleges and I told him I had decided to go to the University of Richmond. One of the other tennis pro’s was like “Oh yeah, that’s like a really good southern school that’s also a really big party school” (it’s not). And I responded “Yeah, and they hate Jews.” I’m not sure why this was my response, but I guess I was new to the concept of the South and being the only Jew among a bunch of non-Jews and wanted to create a dialogue about said issue, ya know, work out all these feelings. But out of left field, some loser/nerd semi-Jew-fro-sporting uggo named DJ decided to chip in with “Well then I’m going to go there.”

Petrified at why DJ wanted to follow me to college, I asked him why. His response was something along the lines of “Well if they hate Jews I’m going to go there and prove them wrong.” EASY DJ. It’s like not a big secret that there are plenty of anti-Semitic people out there, but I figured out after that DJ thought that he was being confronted with his first head-on collision with anti-Semitism. And also, DJ, if you did go there, they would hate Jews even more, because you’re awful. So I forget exactly how this progressed, but eventually I was like “Yeah, I’m Jewish,” and DJ was STUNNED. He was in shock for a good 7 seconds, just staring at me in silence and bewilderment, confused at what we were even arguing about, until he managed to get out of shock enough to say, “But you have red hair.”

At that point Ryan and I lost our shit and laughed hysterically for about 5 minutes (so in love). The whole situation was just so bizarre. I explained to DJ that just because I had red hair did not, in fact, indicate that I was a gentile. And the happy ending to the story: DJ did not follow me to Richmond, thank god.

Back to my issues with ethnic holiday or holidays that celebrate heritage: the bars are always over crowded on these days. And as much as I love love love being drunk (so long as my nausea holds off for long enough for me to get drunk, which it usually doesn’t), I hate drunk people. Everything about them is annoying and dirty and smelly and I feel like I’m 1 second away from being vomited on. But obviously when I’m wasted I’m the funnest coolest drunk girl ever. Ha. So being too close for comfort while also not being able to forge a path to the bar to attempt to approximate my fellow drinkers’ drunkenness, is just not a fun time.

But maybe I would actually enjoy celebrating Cinco de Mayo, since I’m 99.9% sure people won’t mistake me for a Mexican.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Suck My Blood.

I totally get it. Do you HEAR (slash read) what Edward Cullen is saying to her? The guy/vampire has been alive for almost a hundred years and has never felt the way he does about Bella ever before for anyone. I don’t even understand why this book is such a Tween-specific phenomenon. I’m pretty sure every girl/woman/gay/lesbian/transgender/transsexual person wants a guy to say exactly what Edward Cullen says to Bella. And yeah, it helps that he’s ridiculously good looking.

Ok, I’m the first person who is anti anything about vampires. Because I have issues with things that could never be real… because I like to imagine that amazing things that happen in books/movies/TV could happen to me. I basically want every romantic comedy or sitcom to be my life, and I take extraordinary measures to make that happen. And by extraordinary measures I mean I do nothing. And doing nothing is like my favorite thing to do everrrrrrrr. What do they do in Friends? Seinfeld? Nothing. All day long. What's better than shootin’ the shit with your BFFs?

So obviously I had an aversion to Twilight for a while. I’m the first to admit it, I scoffed at people when they talked about it and I made comments like, “I’m not into vampires, thanks.” I once thought I could be but after the first few eps of True Blood I wasn’t in love enough to add it into my physically-taxing TV-watching regimen. Although whats-her-name looks great. She should totally stick with the blond hair. Anna Paquin. That’s her name.

But, yeah. Vampires? No thanks. But all that changed when I was in Miami last weekend, at my dear friend DB’s apartment. As I arrived in her glorious abode after a day in the sun (getting burned, don’t worry, I’m still peeling. Miserable.) DB had Twilight on in her living room. “Ugh, what the hell is everyone’s obsession with this?” was obviously my question upon entering. DB's answer was: "I've watched this movie 6 times this week. It actually gets me off."

DB and I are both self-admitted exaggerators. Every movie is the best movie we've ever seen. Every guy is the hottest guy in the world, etc, etc. And yet DB's enthusiasm is what got me to reconsider my hatred towards the Blackberry and thus pull a John Kerry flip-flop and get a Blackberry and become obsessed with it and HATE everyone who doesn't have one. I just enjoy saying "John Kerry flip-flop" but am completely against the way he was persecuted for it when he was running for president and the notion of flip-flopping having such a negative connotation... Caution: brief political rant about to ensue…

Yeah, it's annoying when people change their mind. But if you go into a situation thinking one thing, and then you gather more information, and then you change your opinion on the issue AS A DIRECT RESULT of this new information, that is not flip flopping. I would have hated George Bush way less if he actually had flip-flopped. It takes a real man to admit their wrongdoings. But to continue fighting a war after it has been proven that your MAIN POINT for starting the war is false... COME ON! I was all for the war in Iraq when I thought they had weapons of mass destruction, buttttttttt they don't. So I John Kerry flip-flopped my ass right over to being against the war. Sorry. But this is like simple logic here.

Back to Twilight: I was immediately attracted to the gray colors on the screen. As DB continued to gush about how in love she was with it and how she wished she had read the book before the movie,my favorite classical song ever (which I will be walking down the isle to, Clair de Lune by Debussy) came on, and I decided to request that she turn the movie off so that I could read the book before I saw the movie. I started the book that night and finished it in 3 days. And had sex dreams about Edward Cullen throughout.

And I would say that this book is for desperate people who are looking for a love like Edward and Bella’s. But no. It’s not desperate people, it’s everyone who has a vagina. Married or single. Desperate, depressed or happy. They all love it. Don’t get a guy to read it, I’m telling you he’s not going to like it.

The obsession is similar to the Da Vinci code phenomenon. Reading isn’t always the easiest thing to do, and people are lazy. I, for example, stop reading books for like years at a time. Because watching TV is just so great, why would I waste time reading when I could be watching TV? But then you get into a good book and you just get sucked in and then you’re back to reading again. Books like Twilight are the books that have the ability to suck you in. It’s mindless… It’s like watching TV.

So now I’m kind of scared to see the movie, because we all know the movie is never as good as the book (Da Vinci code being a prime example, duh). But obviously I have to see it. And my latest predicament is that my cousin told me I should read the rest of the series (3 more books) before I see the first movie. Which I don’t get and am confused about and quite frankly don’t have the time/energy/patience to do. Please feel free to comment on how you think I should handle this very very serious and potentially life-changing predicament that I’m in.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Even the most perfect relstionships have their faults...

So I have this rule of thumb… and it goes a little something like this: Be nice to everyone. And by everyone I mean strangers and people who you are not friends with. It’s like the concept that some teachers use: “Everyone starts out the semester with an A”. That’s how I feel about people. Upon meeting you, you have an A. The first words out of your mouth could plummet you to an F if you’re not careful. But I’m still not going to be mean to you, because that is just bad form. I’m only mean or rude to people I know well enough that I know they will eventually forgive me for my meanness or rudeness (if I want them to…)

People who are rude to strangers boggle my mind. I know everyone doesn’t have friends like this, but at points in my life I have had friends who are outright mean all the time. One false move from a stranger and my friend is yelling at them in the middle of a bar. The music screeches to a halt and the entire bar watches as said friend tells off random girl she’s never met because that random girl accidentally touched her while trying to squeeze by her in a crowded bar. Incidents like that make me want to crawl into bed and never have social human contact again.

And so Facebook, along with all of my truly loved ones, falls in the category of “I know you well enough to be mean to you.” And here is my issue with Facebook today: What in the hell are these bizarre things you can become a “fan” of now. I had friends who were trying to start a magazine, so I became a fan of their magazine only later to find out that the magazine was a glorified nudey mag. I’m not talking about Maxim here, I’m talking about straight nudity. Of college students. But whatever, I’m a supportive friend/acquaintance, and if that’s how you want to make your money (or lose your money and ruin your reputation) then good for you. I’d be way less judgmental if I wasn’t an avid fan of Girls Next Door and cried EVERY episode. I don’t know why I cry every episode. I just know that I do. But I think it has something to do with the American dream and a bunch of trashy nobodies who are actually really nice people end up being famous and rich. Love IS actually all around us!!!!!! But my point here is that I became a fan of a "business" or a "website", not an abstract concept or general activity, that's what you're supposed to put under "Interests" in your profile.

I’ve gone to and fro my Facebook homepage twice while writing this so far. First I saw “4 of your friends have become a fan of Cuddling”… Really? What’s the opposite of interesting that sounds cooler and angrier than “uninteresting”, because that’s how I feel. The phrase “DON’T CARE” comes to mind. Everyone likes cuddling, that’s why dogs were invented, duh. And I’m pretty sure that’s why people are in relationships. I mean, I think the only reason I actually want a boyfriend is so that I have someone to cuddle with while I watch TV… Whatever. So I guess, technically, in life, I am indeed a fan of cuddling, am I going to add it to my Facebook page? NO. Because that would be pointless/stupid/dumb.

Then I clicked on something on my Newsfeed, and when I returned back to the homepage I see that “3 of your friends became fans of Not Being On Fire”… WHAT? Ok, great. Now I know that out of my 842 friends, 3 of them don’t like being on fire. This is soooooo stupid.

Sometimes I lay in bed at night and yearn for the days when Facebook was only open to college students and my best friend from when I was 5’s babysitter didn’t constantly harass me via wall posts and messages asking me what I’m up to these days and to send pictures of my parents. Uhhh… do you even know how to use Facebook, lady? Obviously not. Because if you simply clicked the “Info” tab on my profile you could see where I’m working. And if you looked at some of my tagged pictures, or looked through my albums, you would probably find my parents somewhere. Learn how to stalk me without bothering me to help you to stalk me. That is what Facebook is all about, and if you don’t realize that, then get the hell off.