Thursday, February 25, 2010

Take My TV Recommendations. I'm a Professional TV Watcher.

The Sarah Silverman Program is… different. It’s like a mix of sketch comedy and a sitcom. Sketch-style comedy without actual sketches... Each episode has one main storyline that it doesn’t really deviate from (like a sitcom) but all of the scenes in which the story is perpetuated are more sketch-like than sitcom-like. Shit tends to get really weird (or "conceptual", if you will). But as long as you're down for it, you're going to have a great time and laugh a lot.

Simply put, her show is kind of amazing. You have to get over the fact that nothing in the show would ever happen in real life. Like in last week’s episode (the only episode I've seen from this season) to pull a prank on a prankster, Sarah drops a can of paint (or pan of caint, as I said when describing it to a friend) attached to a string a la Home Alone. Instead of just knocking the person over it decapitates them.

The rest of the episode has Sarah suing Home Alone (represented in court as a VHS tape that says “Home Alone” in Sharpie-pen writing). She then wins her case and becomes in charge of all TV programming.

The Sarah Silverman ProgramThursday, 10:30pm / 9:30c
TV Show Rejects
Joke of the DayStand-Up ComedyFree Online Games

Are these things that could ever happen in the real world? No. Never. Are these things that happen in Sarah Silverman’s mind? Yes. Are they awesome and hilarious? Yes yes and yes.

The show is actually in it’s third season. Which is kind of a big deal. I guess some exec at Comedy Central realizes how amazing it is. But I only know one other person in the world that actually watches it, which is pretty Lemony Snickets. I would like to add you to that list. Go watch. Now.

My advice for getting into the show is just realize how funny everything is. If you start thinking “This is stupid” you’re going to hate it immediately. Take it all with a grain of salt and you’ll be LOLing by yourself in no time. It’s insanely creative.

I was trying to find a full version of my favorite episode, which is about AIDS, in which Sarah says “When God gives you AIDS, make lemon-AIDS”. Priceless. My other favorite scene is from the pilot, is when Sarah gets drunk on cough syrup (“Maximum strength, night time use only. Like my body knows what time it is. Advertisers.”) and wakes up with her car parked in the middle of a children’s playground and a police officer at her window and then my fave line happens:

Officer Jay: M'am do you know why I'm standing here?
Sarah: You got all C's in high school?

So if you’re not easily offended and you like to laugh at ridiculous things, definitely check out The Sarah Silverman Program on Comedy Central tonight at 10:30, unless you’re out contracting AIDS somewhere. I’d say watching TV is a safer choice, especially with all this snow.

FYI it includes a gay couple that looks like This:

(yes, that’s the mail guy, Kevin, from Just Shoot Me on the right… If you’re losery enough to know that like me and/or follow him on Twitter like me... wattup @thebrianposehn)

And a cop that looks like this:

(Who seems to be always playing a cop… But could you find a more cop-ish looking cop? I think not. Perfection. That mustache is priceless.)

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

I'm a regular Benedict Arnold

Get off my back, OK? I know it’s been more than a week since the last time I posted. You think I don’t know that? I know. But I posted every day for a (work) week and I burned out. But I’m back. And I have a secret to tell you.

Some of you in my inner circle may already know, but others may not. I took the plunge. I… Joined… Twitter.

In my defense, when I was hating on Twitter super hard, I did admit that I thought I’d join eventually. I think I finally decided to join because I’m a “writer” and all the other writers/comedy writers I saw on TV wouldn’t shut the fuck up about Twitter. So I threw caution to the wind and I hopped on that fucking bandwagon. And I haven’t looked back.

My thought process ended up being that it was professionally irresponsible for me not to get on Twitter. And that since I don't read the news or any blog other than my own, I should probably get on Twitter and follow the people who matter in this world, like all of the writers and comedians on Chelsea Lately. I already had to stop following Khloe Kardashian because her Tweets got so annoying I actually thought about buying a plane ticket to LA and stabbing her in her sleep. But instead I just stopped following her, so that was easy. It was kind of sad though because before she got SUPER annoying on Twitter I was convinced we would be BFFLs if we ever met.

I wasn’t all in all at once. While making my Twitter name I almost gave up because @SpewingNonsense was taken already. Goddamnit, I told my assistant to trademark that shit. When will that stupid bitch get something right. Oh wait, that’s me. Sometimes I think about how many times I would have fired myself if I was my own assistant. Anyway, the trouble wasn’t over yet. @BradySpewingNonsense was too long and who knows what else I was trying until I finally settled on @SpewNonsense.

So now you know. Follow me. Or don’t. I don’t care.

Recently I got a slew of my cronies to get on Twitter and one of them proceeded to blog about how and why I convinced him to join twitter!

I have recently joined Twitter. Brady did good work on me. I was dead-set against it. Absolutely was never going to be a part of that shit. But like a great judicial mind, she dissented. She planted the seed for this change months ago. Like Harlan, Stevens, Rehnquist, and Scalia before her, she firmly and publicly noted why she thought I was wrong and let it sit with me, marinating in the social forum for a relatively long period of time. Slowly but surely, the concept became acceptable in the social consciousness. She never pushed the idea. She let me figure it out for myself. I noted Adam Schefter and others could be spoon-feeding me quick sports news tidbits. I noted that all of my favorite sports bloggers post interesting and hilarious stuff on there all the time. My perception of it as a glorified Facebook status bar shifted. One of my good friends joined, and I was on within days. Tip of the hat to you, Brady, you cunning rapscallion.

If you think I don’t consider that celebrity status, think again.

But now that I’m on Twitter, I’ve got some complaints. Because there are some VERY easy things that can be fixed on Twitter that some programmer in India needs to get to work on ASAP. I’m kind of retarded when it comes to Twitter so there are probably things I don’t know how to do that are actually really easy to do. Like I just found out how to see when someone else "mentions" you last week. Seriously, I’m Twitter retarded.

My first complaint is the format of your followers list. Make that shit alphabetical, yo. I don’t want people listed in the order they started following me in or the order I started following them in. What am I doing wrong here? And what if I’m mid-tweet and I want to “mention” someone and I can’t find their name? I don't have everyone's fucking Twitter name memorized, that would be ridiculous. I need the Facebook feature where you start typing something in the search bar and names just start popping up. Sometimes this feature is enabled on my phone in my Ubertwitter app, but only sometimes. Stop fucking with my head, Twitter!

And if I want to retweet someone and put in my own commentary before? I have to copy and paste the tweet, close the large space between the person’s name and what they said, add an ampersand and put an RT in front of it? Come on. That’s obnoxious. I'm really important and don't have the time in my day to complete those 5-seconds worth of adjusting. A simple copy-paste should do exactly what I need it to. Is my issue that I’m on instead of Tweetdeck or Tweetie some other Twitter app with a name that's gayer than AIDS?

All suggestions and tutorials are welcome. I've decided against TweetDeck cause I don't want all my shit integrated or whatever. I'm sure I'm just a total moron and everything I complained about has an easy answer that I'm too dumb to figure out.

And now there's Google Buzz too? I just went into that for the first time today. Got lost, gave up. I'm sure I'll be back once people actually start doing shit on it. But from what I can tell it doesn't do anything super cool/new/different. I think one day my head is going to actually spontaneously combust from technology/information overload.

Friday, February 12, 2010

True Love. Just in time for Valentine's Day!

OK, I know I've been writing about food a bit more than usual this week. But in order to complete my first full work-week of posting (wooooooo!!!!!!) I am going to have to throw some more food info your way. And you're going to like it! Ya hear me!?!?!?

I recently had the experience of meeting my gay soulmate. My gay husband is the one who introduced us and now it's a big gay love fest. I feel more and more like Grace Adler everyday and I'm really loving every minute of it. Just waiting for my hot Jewish doctor to ride in on a horse and save me (except I hate horses, but that was a Will & Grace reference, duh).

Anyway, my new gay soulmate and I realized we were meant to be when we discovered how much we both love sauces. My claim to fame is that in high school my friends would to call me "The Sauce Monster" when we went out for meals because I always order at least one (but usually more than one) order of "extra sauce on the side."

So gay soulmate and I started swapping food recommendations. And today, coincidentally, we both took each other's recommendations for lunch! Another sign that we are indeed, meant to be. My recommendation to him was to try the Asian Peanut dressing at Hale and Hearty (which was prompted because he said he loved all asian peanut sauces). It was a raging success. He loved it and he made everyone in his office try it and they all loved it too. My BFF Dickie also tried this last week for the first time and is obsessed. You should try it too because it's kind of unbelievable.

When he first started telling me about Energy Kitchen I remembered the one experience I had in the past. I ordered a chicken stir fry wrap. One of the listed ingredient was steamed vegetables. Good. I love vegetables. But when I got the wrap instead of steamed vegetables it was steamed baby carrots, which is really really weird and way too bulky for a wrap setting. It was extremely off putting.

Earlier this week he sent me his review of Energy Kitchen:

Date: 5 February 2010 AD
Location: New York, NY
Temperature: 34 °F
Restaurant: Energy Kitchen, 47th St
My order: Tex-Mex Bison Wrap
Laura got the BBQ chicken quesadilla which she said was delicious.

I forewent the sides to be healthy and to compensate for the overeating I will be doing later.

-LOVE the prices - $5? Are you kidding me? I should have ordered 3!
-Very tasty, quality ingredients. I could tell I was eating healthy but it didn’t taste like I was eating cardboard
-Wrap held together very nicely - big pet peeve of mine is when you touch a wrap/burrito lightly with a feather and the entire thing falls apart - love that I could hold it in my hand and continue to take bites with only minor fallout…
-I only finished it about 15 mins ago but I'm feeling very full and it feels like the kind of 'full' that will last for a while…

-I'm contradicting the last pro and being nitpicky - the wrap was a bit on the small side, but enough to fill me up and CERTAINLY worth $5...I guess I'm just used to gorging myself at lunch and having anything in a wrap be oversized and gargantuan
-Ingredients were a bit unevenly distributed, so I would get a bite full of dry rice, or salsa-drenched beef - this problem is obv not unique to EK - most places don’t take the time to evenly distribute the ingredients in a wrap/burrito, which is another huge pet peeve of mine and also makes me appreciate when they DO do that so much more…but in this particular case it wasn't so bad to the point where it's like I was eating 3 different meals sharing the same wrap (I'm looking at you, Chipotle - as much as I love biting into an entire glob of plain sour cream…) - another benefit of the nicely held together wrap was that I could take big enough bites to counteract this Con
-Delivery time was 36 mins, which is a little on the high end as far as HK restaurants go

Overall - would definitely order again - keen to try all the other options, including breakfast!

Thank you for all of your input over the past few weeks leading up to this most pleasant dining experience. I couldn't have done it without you.

This e-mail/review serves as further proof that we are meant to be. Or that there is an intruder in my brain...

So today I got the BBQ Chicken Quesadilla. Wow. The BBQ sauce tastes like it came from California Pizza Kitchen. Which is two thumbs up right off the bat. And although my gay lover was able to hold back on sides because he was planning on over eating later, I was not able to hold back... So I got creamed spinach and vegetarian chili. Having had vegetarian chili from The Pump on Monday night and being fiercely disappointed, this was a nice surprise.

Here is a pic of my meal:

The TV-dinner set up definitely surprised me. But it kept everything in place for the not-so-close delivery travel (PS delivery took an hour, which I wasn't thrilled about, good thing I wasn't starving, or some very passive-aggressive calls would have been placed). Because of this lengthy journey the two sides were not hot. And because they were all grouped together on an elementary-school-cafeteria-style plate, I had to spoon out each side into a bowl and microwave it for 30 seconds. Which was annoying but not the end of the world. The creamed spinach needed salt, badly, so I fixed that. And I also obviously dipped the BBQ Chicken Quesadilla in Ranch dressing.

If I'm eating something that involves BBQ sauce you can bet your ass there is going to be Ranch dressing involved. It's just how the world is meant to be.

Yes. I did just make that in Photoshop. Be jealous of my tech-savvyness slash artistic abilities.

The one thing I was super impressed with was the quality of the chicken. I have, through osmosis, developed a fear of meat. My roommate is very skeptical of meat and now I am too. I never was before. It's weird. Anyway, you know when you get that bite of chicken that is weird and a little chewier and a little gamier than it should be? That's the kind of chicken we're scared of. It's... a debilitating fear. Keeps me up at night. You can typically find this chicken in Lean Cuisines or any frozen dish, or low quality restaurant. If you get the sliced chicken (not chicken breast) from Subway, you know what I'm talking about.

The thing that grinds my gears about Energy Kitchen is that it's not on Seamless. When a restaurant isn't on SeamlessWeb it is a huge deterrent for me. Seamless is just so easy and amazing and I'm incredibly loyal to it. Energy Kitchen has it's own online ordering system. Fine. I programmed in my info and now have it for the future (Lenny's also does this, btw).

Anyway, it was a lot of food and I felt good after I ate it. Very full but not an "I'm gunna vom" kinda full because although I was stuffing my face, it wasn't with gross unhealthy stuff. A nice change of pace.

The moral of the story is that I will indeed be trying Energy Kitchen again and do not doubt that I will thoroughly enjoy it.


Thursday, February 11, 2010

More Ketchup!?!?!??!

You thought I was going to talk about Ketchup for one day and just be done with it? Well ya wrong (said in the "ya burnt!" voice from Jenna in 30 Rock, doi). Also, insert me singing the First Wives Club song "You Don't Own Me" with the lyrics changed to "You Don't Know Me" (I know it's Leslie Gore, I'm not a heathen)... OR "You must not know 'bout me" from Irreplaceable by Beyonce. Did you not follow that mental spaz-out? Too bad! Stream of consciousness is fun!

I realized after my post last week that I was far from done with discussing ketchup and ketchup-related topics. And I wanted them to have their own separate post instead of just inserting them into the already posted post and having some people see them and some people not. Say post again. Post.

So Ketchup story number one comes from over seas. I was living in Foggy Londontown at the time (omg I am just soooooo international you guys). Lemme just tell you something about any country that is not the U.S.of A. They do not know their ass from their elbow as far as Ketchup is concerned. Not. One. Bit. They either give you a tomato paste that is like a distant relative of Ketchup or they charge you for Heinz. Well if the Heinz is available you bet your ass I will pay whatever they tell me to. And if it's not available (which it never is) I'll dump salt into the paste and pretend that that makes it taste better.

Anyhoo, it was my last day of interning at good old Nursing Times Magazine (Largest Nursing Magazine in the UK!!!!) and I was hungover as balls. Oh, actually it wasn't my last day. Because my last day was when the London tube bombings happened, making saying goodbye to everyone really awkward. And if you think I wasn't pissed that we didn't get to eat a cake in my honor, then I am going to start singing the songs from the first paragraph.

I was hungover and my Brit friends were like "lets get chicken and chips for lunch!" aka fried chicken and fries. And I was like YES, you read my mind. So we go and get our chicken and chips and the ketchup situation was not good. I don't remember what it was exactly, I just know I was like beyond myself. So I was like "Alright guys, I'll meet you back at the cafeteria, I have to go do something" and I go to the grocery store across the street and purchase myself a bottle of Heinz ketchup to eat with this one meal.

When I told my friend this when I got home from work that day she was mortified for me. I think because I had told her there was some guy I had a crush on who was with us too (whoops!). I can barely remember. Or maybe she was just mortified because I'm a total beast. A ketchup covered beast. But you can just call me Garfield (ps I'm convinced Bobby Moynihann somehow stole that line from me to use on SNL while acting as Snookie. I've been using the Garfield line for years, because I have read hair and I love sauces and lasagna. I've hung out with him before and I used to use that line all the time, so this being an actual case of plagiarism is totally possible.)

So that's the story of how I bought a bottle of ketchup to use with one meal of food. And the next thing isn't so much a story as a fast food recommendation/review. You may or may not know of a little place called McDonalds, which can be found under the golden arches worldwide (Prestige Worldwide?). Well Mcdonalds added something really crazy amazing to their menu a few months back and I really don't think it got the attention it deserved.

It's called the Mac Snack Wrap and it is what God would wrap in a flour tortilla if he could wrap anything in a flour tortilla (which he can, cause he's God). What is up with me and all God references lately? Being hungover really has forced me to ponder a higher power/my existence. Or maybe it's the rapidly approaching President's Day weekend. What? I don't know. I really don't.

Anyway a Mac Snack Wrap is a Big Mac in wrap form. I feel like I know too many people that have never had a Big Mac. This is just not OK. As far as burgers are concerned, the Big Mac is the tops. It's not gourmet, but is a burger supposed to be gourmet? No. A burger is something you can pick up and scarf down like an animal all in under 5 min. I'm not saying I won't eat a $20 burger if you bought it for me, I'm just saying a Big Mac is excellent and you're a fool if you disagree.

So in case you are a fool and don't know the ingredients of a Big Mac they are: 2 beef patties, lettuce, chopped onions, cheese, pickles, special sauce, enclosed in a sesame seed bun with another piece of bun between the two beef patties.

The Big Mac, according to online nutritional information and Subway napkins and paper cups, is about 540 calories. Is that a lot of calories? Yeah. Is it that many more calories than a normal burger? Eh. Not really. I mean, I'm not trying to say a Big Mac is good for you, because the nutritional value of those 540 calories is like zero. I think when you eat a Big Mac it actually goes straight to your ass. I mean, I'm not Doctor, but I hear things... But what if you could shrink that Big Mac down into a more calorie friendly wrap??? YOU CAN!!!!!!

The Mac Snack Wrap is a snack wrap with half of a beef patty, cheese, lettuce, pickles and onions. My friend tried one for the first time a few weekends ago (late night, duh) and exclaimed "I will never eat a Big Mac again!" The Mac Snack wrap is 330 Calories (just looked it up, no biggie).

The key to why the snack wrap is so good is ratio. Yes, I like the bun of a Big Mac too, but all that bread gets in the way of the sauce. McDonalds oddly packages this wrap better than most wraps I've eaten. In almost every single bite, you get every single element of the Big Mac. And that my friends, is the story of the Mac Snack Wrap. So this weekend, when you're out and drunk and looking for something to shove down your throat to fill the void (HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!!!), I urge you to try the Mac Snack wrap and let me know watcha think.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Let it snow.

Ok. I know everyone's been talking about the weather for weeks now (well, if you know someone/anyone in DC you have) and I don't want to be cliche and obvious about this, but I feel like I would be socially remiss if I did not address the situation right now.

Snow. It happens. It's really not that new. It's been happening for as long as I've been alive and as long as you've been alive. And I get that when there's more than a foot of snow, unless you are in the deep north, it's not going to be handled well and people are going to freak out.

With that said, everyone needs to calm the F down. Snow isn't AIDS. It's not a mystery disease that no one knows the cure for. We don't need fundraisers to pay scientists and Doctors to solve our problem. There is a terribly easy solution to this - THE SNOW PLOW.

If you live below the Mason-Dixon line, it's possible you don't know what a snow plow is. I went to school in Richmond, Virginia and it snows maybe twice a winter there on average. But when it does, that half an inch of snow drives people absolutely insane. Cars run off the road as soon as the first flake touches the pavement, the power immediately goes off and school is cancelled. And how is the snow moved from the street? Oh, they put spinny brushes on golf carts and drive them around campus. Like... No. In Richmond's defense it did get pounded with more than a foot of snow twice so far this winter. So that's kind of intense.

How are you supposed to be taken seriously when you can't remedy such an easy thing? You get a snow plow and you plow the roads. This whole debacle has really forced me to take a closer look at our government and to be even more critical than usual. If you're not budgeting money to take care of something like this, than what the hell are you doing? If I knew more about this I would go way into it and take a deep, hard-hitting look at the government. But I swore that off circa 2004.

Now, I'm not a total asshole. I know that snow plows don't come cheap. And the ones we have in New York are bad ass. They're like really not messing around. But in DC and Richmond? All they need is an attachment for a pick up truck. And BAM! The roads are clear! It is seriously an embarrassment to our government and our country that the government closes down after a couple of inches. And yes I'm aware that the past few days was much more than a couple of inches, so they get a "pass".

So yes. Those are my feelings. And now New York is expecting over a foot of snow throughout the rest of today. But I take the subway to work and walk 2 blocks on either end, so this barely affects me. Yeah, I get a little snowy, but I survive... It's snow... And everyone got work cancelled or is leaving early. But not this girl. Proud to be sitting in an empty office with no calls or e-mails coming in (because no one else in the world is at work). Don't worry, I brought my Netflix in. So I should be fine.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Oh the things I’ve seen. The first Clinton administration. The Nagano Olympics. Microsoft Windows 95. But I’m 41 now. Time… to die.

Ok, so I am obsessed (starring Beyonce and Ali Larter?) with the Olympics. I know people give the Winter Olympics shit for not being as good as the Summer Olympics, but you know what I have to say to that? Poo on you. I am so down with the Winter Olympics. I could watch almost any of the events all day long. My personal favorites are Alpine Skiing, which includes: Downhill, Super-Combi, Super-G and the Giant Slalom. But I also enjoy each and every skiing and snowboarding events, and also the Luge, Skeleton, Bobsled, Speed Skating and Figure Skating.

The obsession with the Olympics in general started as a child. And I have to say, one of my most proudest and exciting moments was learning to play the Olympic theme song on my recorder. And in 4th grade we got to perform it at the beginning of Field Day. It was... A magical and proud day in my life.

I really don't know what it is about Alpine Skiing, but I can watch it for hours upon hours. It's like relaxing and exciting at the same time. I am more pissed than ever that I am currently at a job where I don't have a TV on my desk (I know that sounds preposterous to most of you, but when you work in TV you often get a TV on your desk. Heaven).

I also have a borderline unhealthy obsession with Bode Miller. (I also think about Johnny Mosely almost everyday. The dinner roll was... a work of art. Poetry in motion, if you will). But I saw this special on Bode Miller once and it talked about how his resting heart rate, right before launching out of the gate downhill, is in the 180s, fueled entirely on adrenaline. Like, I don't know why I find that so sexual, but I do. Oh and he looks like this:

So that doesn't hurt. His facial hair is almost as perfect as Sam Worthington's in Avatar (calm down, I said almost). But yeah, when you're watching the Olympics for hours on end, you get fun facts like that, to post in your blog... And your dreams.

Anyway, to communicate to you all how much I loooooooove the Winter Olympics, I've decided to copy and paste the EVite I sent out to my friends this morning urging them to come watch with me (I typically cry at least once during the Opening Ceremony and it's usually when South Korea and North Korea enter the stadium holding hands. Tearing up right now, no biggie). A salute of the hand to you, NBC, for finally having content outside of Thursday nights that I will actually watch.

Now, please don't get too jealous that you weren't invited to this super high-society party. One day you might find your way into my inner circle, if you're lucky enough...

Without further ado, my Evite:

Hello friends and lovers. Well... Friends (womp womp)...

Just wanted to cordially invite you all to my apartment on Friday evening to view the opening ceremonies.

You may or may not know that I hate viewing sports on TV unless they are tennis or olympic related. So I would like to usher in, with all of you, the beginning of an absolutely amazing two weeks for me.

I know the opening ceremony itself will not be as good as Beijing, but I'll be making chicken pudding and other fun stuff, so you're all going to be just fine.

And as much as I love you all, I will not be providing alcohol. My hard earned dollars will be going towards food. So BYO B/W/L. I will also have some stuff that is green that you put into a glass contraption, light on fire, and inhale into your lungs. It's all very high tech.

HOPEFULLY MY FIOS APPOINTMENT ON THURSDAY MORNING GOES WELL SO THIS CAN ACTUALLY HAPPEN (in case you haven't heard, we lost cable again for not paying bills. whoops. FUCK you time warner. don't care).

I also reserve the right to yell at you to be quiet if i'm particularly taken in the moment. I also will have a reserved seat so that I can see the TV at all times. For more information please see



It also included this picture:


Friday, February 5, 2010

Foos-ball? Buncha overgrown monsters man-handlin' each other.

I actually composed this (and I use the word "composed" loosely since I copied and pasted a link and then wrote two sentences) on Friday and I was like "Oh, I'll just log in on Sunday and press 'Post'!" Well, my laziness took a new turn and although my computer was in the living room on the couch with me for most of the day Sunday and I did turn it on twice or thrice (to order food) I just couldn't get it together enough to log into blogger and press one button.

I hope you all had a great Superbowl. I didn't turn to it once. Literally not once. I had to ask someone who won at like 11pm cause I realized I never found out (Congrats to Kim and Reggie! Like sooooo excited for you guys!).

As a vehement objector to all sports that aren't tennis or Olympic related, my roommate and a friend and I watched absolute nonsense all night (including the movie "The Invention of Lying"... not good) and by all night I mean for a few hours, because both of them were in bed by 10.

So with that, I give you my salute to the Superbowl (aka the video and two sentences below):

Perhaps one of the awesomest most coolest videos anyone has ever sent me. Touche, Alan Whickers, to you and your silly pseudonyms (and sorry for ditching out on the Superbowl party. As you can read, I obviously had some really important stuff to take care of).

Post Script (written on 2/8/10): When I first saw the concept of this video I was like "Please, God, let there be a Wes Anderson part". And lo and behold there was. And it was good. And by good I mean incredibly amazing. Yes I realize that's the second time I've used that reference in the past two posts. Apparently I am really into mocking the creation story these days. I really don't know why. It's just what comes to me. I don't question the creative process. And neither should you.

Happy Superbowl Monday. Peyton Manning- if you need a shoulder to cry on, I'm available.

It's All Happening!!!!!

Ok, that's one of my favorite quotes to use for just about anything in life (the title right up there). If you don't know that it's a line from Almost Famous, I don't like you anymore. Because that movie is magic for my senses. Cameron Crowe movies really just do something to my heart and soul. I don't watch them. I feel them.

I used that line a lot when one of my good friends was finally making the move from Miami to New York. And it all happened. And it was amazing.

But why am I using it now? WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW!?!?!?, you ask. Weeellllllll, something really big in the world of Ketchup happened yesterday and I think this is going to be a SERIOUSLY big-time game changer...

I mean, I don't want to say like I feel like God has finally answered all of my prayers, because he hasn't answered nearly all of them and I also don't believe in God. But if I did, I would think that in this instance he was finally taking a keen interest in what was missing in my life and trying to fill that void. And so he brought to this earth, the new style of ketchup packet that I have been begging for for years, and it was good.

This has really brightened my day. My day didn't start out so hot. I woke up at 8:15 when I usually wake up at 8:40. My body woke itself up because it was so hungover and wanted me to lay in bed in pain until 9am, which is what I did. Then after I got ready and left for work, as I walked the 2 blocks to the subway I literally gagged and came really amazingly close to straight up vomiting on the sidewalk.

I actually had to stop in myself in my tracks and do some serious deep breathing exercises (which I'm used to because I'm often violently nauseous and I hate throwing up more than anything so I will do anything in my power to stop it from happening).

On top of all that the book keeper in my office decided that he needs to come in on Fridays this month. Let me tell you something about Fridays in my office. They're magical. My boss doesn't work and I'm left alone in the office unsupervised and I gchat and watch hulu and sometimes nap. It's really just an amazing perk of my job. Don't get me wrong, if there's stuff to be done I do it. But if there's not, I'm not going to like get a jump on random stuff on a Friday, that's just not how I do things. Whatever.

So I'm no longer alone on Fridays starting today and continuing through the rest of the month. He doesn't stay the whole day, but he comes in for like the first half of the day. And this horrible man sits in here with me and talks to me about things I don't care about and I blatantly ignore him, whatever dude, you're ruining my Friday.

But then I got an e-mail from my friend with this link in it. And Friday really started looking up. I'm still hungover but since I've decided to abstain from food so far today, the hangover is kind of dying inside of me. Although I did just order Chopt and was beyond ecstatic to find out that if you order before noon everything is a dollar cheaper AND they give you an extra topping for free. Like, what!?!??! I cannot and will not resist that bargain.

But back to the ketchup... I think since as early as when I spoke my first words I have been complaining about the Ketchup packet situation. I just don't understand why you can get honey mustard or BBQ sauce in a nice quaint little dipping tub and for ketchup you have to squeeze minuscule amounts out of packets like a heathen. If you think I can't or won't squeeze a full packet of ketchup onto like three fries, then you can think again. Because that is how I roll.

I am just beyond excited for these things to actually hit stores. I mean I don't get fast food that often (well I've gotten it a gross amount in 2010 so far including Wendy's twice in one day on New Years day and McDonalds twice in one day two weekends ago, but lay off, I need something to make my mouth happy while my hangovers are wreaking havoc on my body.) but when I do, if I can use a nice ketchup dipping tub instead of a ketchup packet I will be one happy girl.

And with that, I bid you a happy Friday and an even more happy weekend to come.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

GTL? Get a life.

It’s me. The one person in the world who doesn’t like Jersey Shore. I know... You thought I didn't exist. But I do. And it’s not that I just don’t like Jersey Shore. It’s that I hate Jersey Shore with a passion (something I'm about to expound on) and think that I’m way better than you for not falling into the trap that is the Jersey Shore phenomenon. And before you yell at me for not watching, I did watch an episode and I maintain my position.

While you’re watching Jersey Shore on Thursday nights I’m out doing really cool fun things… Like crying in bed alone or something. Just kidding, on Thursday nights I obviously watch 30 Rock, Parks & Recreation and Community (and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and The League, when they're in season)... Whilst crying in bed alone.

One of my main issues with Jersey Shore is that it’s just too easy to make fun of. Stuff like that isn’t worth my time. I don’t have room in my life for trash. I was obsessed with Rikki Lake in like 5th grade for about 10 minutes and I think after that I managed to never find trashy people amusing again.

I know I sound really snobby saying that, but I don’t care. It’s the truth. Trashy people and red necks are the only breed of human that I’m actually racist against. I cannot find any redeeming quality. Which is why I think I never really got into Talladega Nights. I just can’t find that humor entertaining. I'd rather pretend like they don't exist than make fun of them.

And I know I sound like I have a smoking lump of coal in my chest instead of a heart right now. And I swear I don't. I watch some pretty crappy TV and have fun with it. And by fun I mean I cried every episode of Girls Next Door with Holly, Bridget and Kendra (If you watch the new ones with the new case then you are a cheater). I can't really explain why I cried every episode, I just did. There is something about that show I find extremely heartwarming. Like, sometimes taking your clothes off for the world to see really can be a good thing. It's just an interesting way to accomplish the American Dream, that's all.

Like these people are famous for being ugly, orange and annoying? I really don’t get it. Yeah, get mad at Paris Hilton for being famous for no reason, but getting punched in the face on TV makes you a fucking superstar? No. This is all just too ridiculous.

These people are now making a legitimate living off of the not-real life they lead. And I mean, it’s definitely cool in a way, that they make a boatload of money for just living their lives, which, if they weren't being filmed, would be even more (or maybe less?) of an embarrassment to humanity. The fact that Snookie is going to make more money than you and I combined next year is just embarrassing for society.

In my mind this is the downfall of mankind as we know it. If this is considered entertainment I don’t even want to know what is going to come next. I’m not saying this isn’t the only show on TV that is embarrassing and disturbing. Teen Mom is equally as bad. I watch that show for 2 minutes and am seriously disturbed.

I mean I know that there are teen moms out there. That’s not the really disturbing part. It’s the giving these people the attention they’re dying for that bothers me. It’s all they want. And you’re giving it to them. Same with Intervention. I don't want to watch someone who has a Meth addiction steal from their family to buy drugs. The money spent producing this show could be better used to send these sad souls to rehab. And I know that's not how the world works, but that's how my mind works.

Whatever, it’s a fad. And like all fads I’m sure this one will die out soon enough. Jersey Shore: Miami? That doesn't even make sense. How many times can you watch an orange skin on orange skin make-out session? How many times can you watch Guidos get into bar fights? Go to Sutton Place any night of the week and you can see that live and in person, for free! Avoiding people like that is why we don’t go to bridge & tunnel bars. But now you’re letting them into your home!? Make up your minds people.

AND FURTHERMORE!!!!!!- most of the cast members aren’t even from Jersey! Like… what!?!?!?!? They’re all from like Long Island or Upstate NY… Pauly D is from Rhode Island. So now they’re posers too. And still more famous than any of them could have ever dreamed. I blame you. All of you.

And so I bring you...

Things I would rather watch than Snookie (and the rest of the Jersey Shore cast):

- A clump of hair in the shower drain

- Teen Mom

- Real World (which is just Jersey Shore relocated with non-orange people)

- Road Rules (if it still existed)

- Bad music videos

- Any USA original series (that includes both Psych and Monk, which I detest without ever having watched)

- Water boil

- Jersey Shore parodies. Including but not limited to Michael Cera and Bobby Moynihan on SNL

- Lost (just kidding)

- Myself in the mirror (but I’d rather watch that than most things…)

- Any of the “_____ of Love” or “For the Love of _______” shows on VH1

- The new Project Runway (moving to LA was a poor choice)

- The Twitter feed on my phone refresh

- Paint dry

Things I’d rather do than watch Jersey Shore:

-Clean my apartment (one of my most hated tasks…)

- Paint my nails

- Paint your nails

- Organize my top dresser drawer that’s full of random receipts from the past 3 years (mostly from

- Cook a meal for 10+ people

- Return the two giant suitcases I borrowed to move in August (whoops) from my friend who lives in Midtown East (2nd most annoying place to get to after the Upper West Side).

- Clean off my desk (which has random shit I can’t find space anywhere else for)

- Make my bed (it only takes a couple minutes, but I don't enjoy it)

- Floss (I think I floss more than most people, but still, it’s an annoying chore)

- Listen to Pandora repeat the same 10 songs over and over again

- Get a Pap Smear (hey, it's human contact)

- Go to work