Friday, November 20, 2009

I just want to go home and watch that show about midgets and eat a block of cheese.

If you live in New York City, there is virtually zero chance that you have not seen this:

The ad for the Dunkin Donuts tuna sandwich is EVERYWHERE. Inside the subway, outside the subway, on buses, on telephone booths. Everywhere I look all I see is a gross fucking tuna sandwich on a bagel being pedaled by Dunkin Donuts.

First of all, it has 700 calories. Seriously, I discovered the nutritional information while I was searching for a pic.

Second of all, this is DISGUSTING. I have an issue with tuna. A huge issue with tuna. I think it’s gross. And I almost never eat it. I will only eat it if I prepare it for myself. Ordering tuna is something I have never done and something that I never will do. In trying to figure out why I am so vehemently against ordering tuna in any sort of venue, I remembered an occurrence that happened to me in Middle School.

My mom and I drove to Bagels & More one fateful morning when I was in the 6th grade. I ordered my regular, which at that point was Super Cinnamon & Raisin toasted with cream cheese (amazing). It wasn’t the first bite, nor the second, but at some point I bit into my bagel and had an odd taste in my mouth – tuna. It wasn’t like a full bite of tuna, but at some point someone must have switched the knives in the tuna and the cream cheese and there was an unmistakable and unwanted taste in my 12-year-old mouth at 8am that morning.

The worst part was that the taste wouldn’t go away. I spit out the tuna bite and then was obviously overcome by nausea (if you know me at all you know that that is a constant in my life) and confusion. I didn’t have a tooth brush with me, I was getting out of a minivan in front of Bedford Middle School late for homeroom with Miss Homscheid. I somehow found a Jolly Rancher in my teal LL Bean back pack (this just got way Middle Schooly) and used that to cleanse my palate.

So after some real soul searching and self-psychoanalyzing, I have decided that is why I hate tuna. Although, as I said, I will eat it if I make it myself. But now Dunkin Donuts has brought out a tuna sandwich. And they're advertising it EVERYTHING. And this is just not OK. I used to be obsessed with Dunkin Donuts, and although I still believe in their magical powers (if you haven’t had the wake up wrap or the iced tea, you are a fool) I just don’t go that much. I stopped drinking coffee. I stopped eating breakfast. I get my bagels from Lenny’s now. Whatever.

But now… Nowwwwwwww, I have the debilitating fear that if I ever order food from Dunkin Donuts it is going to be prepared with a utensil that has been cross contaminated with tuna. Ew. I was talking to a friend about this and they agreed, “I don’t want tuna anywhere near anything I would order at Dunkin Donuts”. Amen, sister.

And also, Dunkin Donuts, it’s about time for you to calm the fuck down. There is no way people are actually buying their non-breakfast food from Dunkin, is there? I mean, I think it’s weird that I’ve never tried one of their non-breakfast panini’s because I usually operate under the assumption that everything Dunkin Donuts touches turns to gold (that’s just science). And I also like experimenting with new and limited time only food. But for some reason, I was never up for wasting a full meal on a questionable panini or pizza from Dunkin.

I think if I knew someone that ordered a tuna sandwich from Dunkin Donuts I would have to stop being friends with them immediately. I just really cannot get into the mindset of anyone who would think that would socially acceptable.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Unable To Curb My Enthusiasm

I don’t know what you people think you’re doing with your lives, but when Curb airs an episode, not just of a reunion of the Seinfeld characters, but an actual episode of the Seinfeld reunion, you don’t watch a fucking football game instead. Oh wah wah wah, Manning vs. Brady. Yeah, I get it, they’re both really good looking, and if they’re going to be fumbling each others’ balls all night, I’d watch it too. Or even just to see their faces, because if you want to deny that those two aren’t extremely good looking, you’re out of your goddamn mind.

Anyway, as my trusty blog readers, most of you are not random fans, (but shout out to those who are!!!!) most of you are my friends and family. And most of you know that I have a borderline psychotic obsession with Jerry Seinfeld. And yes, he’s been on Curb numerous times already this season. But. But but but but but, this week was different. This week was a peek into the actual (albeit fake) Seinfeld reunion!!!!!!!

Does anyone know how big of a deal this is for me? I guess I didn’t really understand the gravity of the situation until I was a few minutes into the episode. But even as I was frantically texting my fellow Sein-o-files during the episode, no one seemed to be watching. The main culprit (other than one friend who decided to fall asleep at approx 8pm), you ask? Fucking football. And a few others who apparently just can’t seem to get their shit together to watch the airing of this episode, which occurred at 9pm, 10pm, 11pm and midnight on HBO. If HBO is replaying an episode on the night of its premiere 3 additional times, you should probably drop everything you’re doing and fucking watch that shit.

In this amazing and life-altering episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, we see the table read and then the beginnings of rehearsals for the “Seinfeld Reunion”. This is basically, an actual Seinfeld Reunion.

Let me fill you in on some plot lines, where we pick up with the gang a whopping 11 years after the series finale (SPOILER ALERT, I'M HOLDING NOTHIN BACK!):

Jerry has donated his sperm to Elaine and she now has a daughter and they argue whether or not she should know if Jerry is her biological father (she has been calling him Uncle Jerry).

George lost all of his money with Madoff and is divorced, but his wife managed to get her half of the money out of Madoff as soon as their divorce was final and because of this he is trying to get back together with her. George made a bunch of money because he made an iPhone application he that lets you know where the closest/nicest toilet is (amazing).

I forget what Kramer’s up to. I will have this info after I rewatch this episode multiple times this week... and for the rest of my life.

And of course, since all episodes of Seinfeld come full circle (including the entire series beginning and ending with the same conversation about button placement), this one begins with a conversation about George blowing his nose into a cloth napkin in a restaurant and ends with George about to blow his nose into a cloth napkin and a freeze frame on the gang reaching out to stop him and screaming “NOOOOO!”

All I can say is, I absolutely love the direction this is going in. The Seinfeld reunion seems to be the perfect blend of things that have happened on Curb (because obviously Larry David is inspired by things that happen in his own life) and new original plot ideas thought up by Jerry and Larry. At one point the two of them, in their office, have a ridiculously hilarious conversation and you can just visualize that this is how they write the show. Conversations just like that one. (I'll also figure out this specific conversation in my rewatch)

Then, to bring in more of real life occurrences, Michael Richards gets agitated with Leon, who happens to be standing with two other black people, for lying to him, and in a fit of rage he screams “If only there was a word I could use to make you as angry as I am right now!” (Richards' real life racist rant) I have to say, not only was Michael Richards a great sport about that, but you also get a glimpse into where he was coming from. Different people defended him after the incident (Jerry did on Letterman) but that didn’t do it justice. I totally get where Michael Richards was coming from now. I’m not saying it was right. I’m just saying it seems less crazy now, more contextual.

So many other ridiculous and hilarious things are going on in this episode outside of the Seinfeld Reunion that I can't even begin to go further into them.

But next week, ooooooooh next week. Next week is when we(I) hit it big. Next week is when they "film" the fake Seinfeld Reunion and Larry starts getting outlandish ideas about changing the episode and trying to convince everyone they're good ideas when no one likes them. A common conversation/argument in this episode (in addition to past episodes) is the conversation that the Seinfeld Series Finale was a failure. In an earlier episode this season, when the reunion is first posited to the actors, Jason Alexander says "I guess it will give us a chance to go out on a good note". It is going to be one amazing Sunday Funday.

So please get to your closest TV and watch Curb on demand ASAP!!!!

Sunday, November 15, 2009

SNL is bad.

SNL, why are you so bad? No, seriously. I've always heard people say time and again that Lorne Michaels is a genius and the best producer anyone anywhere has ever had the privilege of working with but has that man lost all regard for comedy? I don't even understand how SNL is so bad because I really do love so many of the cast members. Alas, SNL is so bad that it makes me sad all day long... And all Saturday night long... Or more like all Sunday morning long when I usually watch it on DVR. Whatever.

First of all, I’ve decided to blame Simon Rich for this whole mess. That pissy little boy genius has totally rubbed me the wrong way (He is a writer on SNL and is 24-years old). Someone recommended his book to me, “Ant Farm” and I actually want to scream when I read it. It’s someone who thinks they are so witty that they don’t need to be funny. Maybe it’s just not my cup of tea, because as you can see from my own comedic prowess, I prefer a long-winded rambling story to laugh at, which is also executed in a way that makes me laugh. But this book is like soooo fucking arrogant I can't stand it.

It’s the kind of shit that when you read it, you can tell the person who’s writing it thinks they’re hilariously funny and is also smugly aware that you aren’t really getting it and it makes it that more funny to them. And that gives off the vibe that they think they’re better than you. Let me tell you somethin, Rich, I get it. I get every bit of it. And it’s a fucking obnoxious brand of humor that I want nothing to do with.

Alienating your audience because you're too high brow for the masses is not what Saturday Night Live is supposed to do. Keep that from the Harvard Lampoon (of which he was the president) where your audience is probably as obsessed with their own intelligence as you are with yours. Your intelligent audience is not sitting at home at 11:30pm on a Saturday night watching SNL. They might be reading, or out doing something intellectually stimulating… or drinking. Either way, SNL is seriously the wrong venue for the humor that only a select few understand. I’m not saying to dumb it down for the audience, because that’s ridiculous. I’m saying to stop being a fucking asshole.

Ant Farm is a total “bathroom book”. Every “entry” or chapter or whatever the fuck you want to call it is like 2 pages long. The book contains short “witty” stories, many of which are about Simon Rich being a child making more sense than all the adults around him. No one wants to hear you talk about how you’re smarter than everyone else. Seriously. No. One. Your book makes me want to claw my own eyes out.

However, if you’re looking for a book that has short witty amazing weird stories, I’ve got a great one for ya, it is “My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face” by Michael Ian Black. First of all, if you’re not watching Michael and Michael Have Issues on Comedy Central (which you’re definitely not since I know like 2 other people that actually watch this show) you’re a fool. This show is awesomely hilarious. And Michael Ian Black’s book is amazing. And as Sarah Silverman is quoted on the book jacket, “Fun to read while you’re pooping!”. It contains chapters with titles like ""Why I Used a Day-Glo Magic Marker to Color My Dick Yellow". I bet someone like Simon Rich would use the word "sophomoric" to describe that. Watta dick.

Ok, now back to SNL. Here’s one sketch that I actually really loved, that came about when SNL was pretty really bad back in either late 2006 or early 2007.

That makes me smile.

I think at that point literally no one was watching SNL. The Justin Timberlake episodes tend to draw people back in, and then a few epsidoes later they’re gone again because SNL has gone back to sucking hard by the next week. There is something magical about what Justin Timberlake does to SNL. It’s like Christopher Walkin or Alec Baldwin, every episode he’s on contains only sketches that actually make you piss yourself laughing. And I used to think the issue was that a couple years back they had literally zero women in their writers' room, something I observed while watching the Emmy’s. But now they do have women, and it still sucks. But when Justin Timberlake does an episode of SNL it somehow highlights the best characteristics of each of the cast members and showcases them in the funniest way possible.

Another issue I’m having is with NBC in general. NBC is sucking wind so hard these days and it’s embarrassing. I could walk into that programming department and get NBC back on top of the world in a week. And I could do it whilst drunk, stoned, and with both hands tied behind my back. I don’t know who these fucking old people are (one or all of the Jeff’s no doubt – Gaspin, Zucker, and I think there might be a third…) that are choosing just the stupidest shows ever to pick up and turn into series. NBC Thursday night rocks my socks, but none of those shows are even classic cheesy sitcoms. The classic sitcom (fake laughter included) is what NBC is truly missing. Take a page out of, oh I don't know, EVERY OTHER NETWORK'S BOOK, and get it done.

ER is gone so it’s been replaced by not one, but TWO new doctor shows? I saw a promo for Mercy the other day and it actually looks really good, but I’m sorry, medical dramas are a step away from soap operas at this point. They’re basically as close you can get to a soap opera after 4pm.

And I also saw a promo months ago on NBC that was like “America, we asked you what you wanted, and you said more comedy. So you’re getting more comedy! Jay Leno weeknights at 10!” THAT IS NOT WHAT ANYONE WANTS, NBC!!!! How retarded are you??? You basically birthed the sitcom. You aired freaking Seinfeld, Frasier, Will & Grace and Cheers. And when someone asks you for more comedy you add another talk show to your line up? Are you kidding me? Get your head out of your ass, NBC. Do what you were once better than anyone else in the world at doing for like 5 seconds and it will make you not suck anymore.

Wow, I just got really heated. Leifer out.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Hatred and Confusion

You're worth over a billion dollars and this is what your body looks like? Can't you at least afford the man you hire to live in your house and physically keep you away from your refrigerator? Because I've heard that works.

I'm sure it's not even that bad, but what stylist put her in this outfit? And who gave this picture the OK to be on the homepage of her magazine? I clicked on it to link to an article about Jay-Z, OK?? Apparaently Jay-Z opened up to Oprah about his relationship with Beyonce (which he never does) and when I tried to read about it on "O" magazine (gay) it brought me to a horrific picture of Oprah and asked me to sign up. No and no.

Another time, I will fully rant a fit of rage towards Oprah (because I hate her). But today, this is all ya get.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

What's for lunch?

Attention residents of DC and New York: If you’re thinking about what to get for lunch today, think no further. I have the answer for you: Chop’t.

This is something I would recommend to anyone, any day of the week. I don’t know if you know this about me, but I have an uncanny ability to make perhaps the most delicious salads in the world. For the amount of love I have for salad, I should definitely weigh less. But maybe it’s because I really pack the calories into a salad in order to maximize it’s deliciosity. I just made that word up. And I’m loving it.

My love for Chop’t is nothing new. It's been going on for a few years now and it’s just as strong as it ever was, if not stronger. Chop’t recently introduced a new seasonal salad and dressing. And it is INSANITY! It is called the Mexican Caesar and it will make you want to wear a sombrero and move to Mexico… Or just make you want to order it thrice a week, as I do.

The key to this magical magical dressing is the color. It is the color of all good sauces and spreads, aka any shade of orange. I’m sorry, if you put an orange sauce or spread in front of me, I know by its shade that it is most likely going to be incredibly delicious. And the Mexican Caesar is no exception. My usual dressings at Chop’t are Tex-Mex Ranch (light orange) and/or Sweet & Smokey Chipotle Vinaigrette (orange). But since this beauty hit my lips, I have thrown caution to the wind and ordered the shit out of it.

Am I drawn to these sauces because of my fiery orange hair? Definite possibility. Or maybe it’s just because they have never let me down. Gotta love a sure thing.

The ingredients of the Mexican Caesar are: Romaine lettuce (aka the only kind of lettuce you should ever get, unless you’re disgusting/foolish/foreign), jalapeƱos (for a little/lot kick), tortilla strips (gotta have a crunch!), cotija cheese (THE MOST MAGICAL CHEESE IN THE WORLD! I like to describe it as a Mexican/creamier version of parmesan) and maybe corn (queeter), plus whatever meat you want. Since I’m a bad ass I get it “naked” aka without meat. And when I say bad ass I mean a cheapo who prefers just not eating meat if it's going to save me $2.50 on an already pricey salad. And because I like to think no meat decreases the calorie count... Because it does. That's just math. But I actually only got this salad once and then started getting my regular salad or wrap and going crizazy with the Mexican Caesar on it. Tangy and dee-lish.

Whatever you put in your salad, I highly recommend you take Mexican Caesar dressing for a test drive. And please let me know how it goes. Or just praise me for being the sauciest sauce monster on this earth.

Chop't Menu

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