Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Aw, that's adorable, you have a crush on yourself! I'd be careful, the guy you're in love with is a douche.

If you have an accent I will have sex with you. It's as simple as that. There is nothing more attractive than an accent. An accent makes the plainest, not attractive, possibly even ugly guy seem attractive. I've met one person in my life who is turned off by accents, and I think she's a nut job, sorry Dani. I've been called an Anglophile by multiple people, and I embrace the diagnosis.

My first choice of accent, perhaps because it's always been there for me, is British. It's just so classic, it makes men sound smart and sexy even if they are saying something that is stupid and gross. I semi-recently discovered the amazingness of a South African accent, and although I have sort of bumped it into first place in my mind, on paper I have to remain an avid fan of British cause I just feel like I'd be cheating on those adorable Brits if I ditched them for the Africans. My favorite aspect of the South African accent is saying "ya" instead of "yes" or "yeah". It'd oddly German but just so good. And then the other classic British derivatives: Australian and New Zealand. Love.

I decided to write about this topic for a number of reasons. First off, a couple of weeks ago I was at this open bar party. On a Tuesday. And it was for people in the promos industry, don't ask. But the party was winding down, I was either getting my last free drink or already paying for drinks, and some guy appears behind me with his friend to order a drink. I don't know what this guy even said, but I turned around and said something along the lines of "Do I detect an accent?" that sounds like I'm intelligent... I think it was more like "Do you have an accent?"

Lets review some facts about me before we continue with this story, although when I'm around people I know well I am loud, obnoxious, friendly, talkative and again, loud, around strangers I'm as quiet as a mouse. I will never make the first move or hit on a guy. It's just not my style. Sometimes I wish I could, but it's just not me. But an accent. Oh the accent. The accent allows me to break all of my rules. And it's not even rules, it's just instinct and comfort level. But I hear an accent, you bet your bottom dollar I'm going to strike up a conversation with it.

And strike up a conversation I did. I was at least 4 Jim and Diets down at that point, so the actual content of this conversation is fuzzy at best. But I remember a large portion of the conversation with the accented man was indeed about his accent. Because I love to guess where accents are from. But that was the chink in this guy's armor. It was too much of a mix of English, Scottish and Irish, three UK accents that are very similar and yet very very different to the astute accent connoisseur like myself. I think we ended that little game of cat and mouse by me finally telling him that he was Irish because he sounded exactly like Gerry aka Gerard Butler in P.S. I Love You (great film, rent it immediately, but don't forget a box of tissues).

Comparing accents I hear to the accents I know from TV/Film is how I get my elite accent connoisseur status. Although it failed me slightly when I told a Turkish guy I was talking to one night that he was DEFINITELY from Serbia because he sounded EXACTLY like Novak Djokovic, one of my fave. tennis players. Well, as you can tell by me referring to him as "Turkish man", he was not from Serbia. But he did continue to text me incessantly after our torrent night of bar BOMO (that's black out make out, for anyone who is 2 years behind on that extremely useful acronym). So watch out, Turkey.

But unfortunately this love affair did not last (I'm back on "Scottish guy" now BUT there is a long followup story about Turkish guy, which we will tackle another day.), FYI. Although I was more than ready to go home with this complete stranger after maybe 5 minutes of sub par conversation, my married friend somehow started chatting him up and then he was gone. Sigh. But somewhere in the middle of this drunkenness my other friend joined our group convo and knew accent boy's friend, a promos producer at Comedy Central. The reveal? That "Rafe" was a voice over artist. What does that mean? Fake accent.

Do I care this guy gave me the fake accent? No. He was a totally average looking guy, and snagging an average looking guy who has an accent (fake or real) is basically the American dream. Is it not? Well, it's my American dream. Why do you think I wanted to move to London? To enjoy rain 9 months out of the year? Uh, no, because apparently that is the sitch in New York. But as I prepped for my upcoming trip to Istanbul and London I couldn't help but wonder (CBradshaw ref. Get it.) how many times will I fall in love with average looking people with bad/no personality because their accent makes me weak in the knees? The possibilities are endless.

Friday, June 26, 2009

I’m surprised when he got to the hospital they didn't take his heart and just beat it.

I am so sick of celebrity deaths. WHO CARES!? You can act like you care, but lets face it, unless you REALLY love the celebrity who died, just get over it. Stop talking about it. People die. You didn’t know this person, you don’t even know anyone who knows this person. You should not be upset by this death. Be upset by something real, like celebrity break ups and weight gain. It’s one thing if an early death cuts someone’s career short, but that is NOT the case here.

Although I was also VERY bothered by how people reacted to Heath Ledgers death (I’m sorry, I don’t find overdoses very sad, maybe you shouldn’t have been doing copious amounts of drugs to begin with) that situation was different. He had his whole career ahead of him. Michael Jackson’s career was over. His death changes nothing, except for the 50 concerts in London he was planning on, which is just weird. Like really really weird.

Lets review what Michael Jackson has done in the past 15 years… NOTHING. Well, that’s not true, he did dangle his blanket covered child over a balcony and was accused of a countless instances of child molestation. But yeah, you should totally mourn his death. It’s really sad that a black-turned-white pop artist who touches little boys inappropriately is gone. Someone send Benson and Stabler to uncover the mystery behind this heinous crime. Boo. Hoo.

Finding the other people who don’t care about Michael Jackson’s death has been my mission in the past 24 hours. And although those people have been few and far between, I am overly joyous when I can relate to someone on that matter and choose to bond over it for as long as possible.

As I was saying, “don’t care” in response to the multiple BBMs and texts I got about MJ, my favorite response to my “don’t care” was one friend who said, “He didn’t have a nose, how could he breath?” CLASSIC.

“It’s really shocking.” Oh… is it? Is it really shocking that someone who has been ill for multiple decades has finally kicked the bucket? No. It’s not. Death is always semi-shocking because even if you know it’s coming you don’t know exactly when. But dying is the most normal thing Michael Jackson has done in the past 15 years. By the way, I pulled the number 15 out of my ass, but I think it’s pretty accurate. “Heal the World” is the last thing Michael Jackson did that was worth while, so lets just call that the end of his career.

I’m not saying he wasn’t a great performer. He was. And I’m also not saying he doesn’t have a very interesting life story, because between being a pop superstar before the age of 10, getting beaten by his father, continuing to go on to become the king of pop, and then completely changing from an African American to a Caucasian, yeah, that’s an interesting story. But just because his weirdness was off the charts and so were many of his songs, I just cannot bring myself to care about this. But beyond that, I actively do not care about it.

But if you are someone who has suddenly decided to have empathy, do it for someone other than Michael Jackson's friends and family. K thanks.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Brady goes to White Castle

This is my first blog post about food. I was a little scared to open the floodgates on this topic, because I can seriously talk about food for days. Seriously. Non-stop, for days, breaking from talking about food only to consume food. Enjoy:

I was told recently by a friend that I eat like a Midwesterner. First I was offended that I was compared in any way to someone that lives in a red state, a breed of human I find to be repugnant. Second I was offended that said friend was basically calling me a fat person, and third, does it help my case that I just ate half a tub of cream cheese by dipping Wheat Thins into it? I’m guessing no. I think this accusation arose from me talking about how much I love vodka sauce... What can I say? Those wops really know their way around a kitchen.

Let me clear this up just a little. The comment wasn’t meant in a way that my eating mannerisms are similar to that of a Midwesterner’s (I can only assume that they tuck their napkins into their t-shirts/denim work shirts and shovel their food into their mouths with their hands instead of the proper utensils).

I have phenomenal table manners. Not only am I physically incapable of burping (a phenomenon that has plagued me since childhood) but I chew quietly, with my mouth closed, and I use a fork and knife for almost everything (because I like to create the perfect bite, just like Barbara Streisand’s character in The Mirror Has Two Faces). I mean, if I’m sitting on my couch eating White Castle (a glimpse of what’s to come of this post) then that’s another story. But in public, I’m a mensch.

But to further validate this accusation, (un)fortunately, I had White Castle for dinner last Wednesday night. Maybe you don’t know about my infatuation with White Castle. I didn’t really know about White Castle until Harold and Kumar so kindly brought it into my life. When I was little, whenever we drove by the White Castle on the highway, my mom used to say that when she was little, all the kids in NYC used to joke the White Castle was made out of Kangroo Meat. Is it wrong that that only made it more appealing to me? Maybe the dingo ate yo’ baby…

So when Harold and Kumar go to White Castle came out, I didn’t see it in theaters. I wasn’t pot headed enough back then, I guess. But when I finally did see that magnificent film, and all the hardships that my potheaded brethren endured to get their perfect high meal, I knew this place was a Godsend.

Whatever, man, fast food is fast food. It’s not meant to be eaten every day. Nor every week. But once in a while the fast food craving will sneak up on you and you just have to embrace it. And mine happened last Wednesday night.

As I approached the building on 8th avenue, where my writing class was to be held, I spied, out of my little eye, a White Castle sign. Right. Across. The. Street. Obviously this was a sign from God. Pushing me in the right direction, years after my roommate and I swore up and down that when Harold and Kumar 2 came out that we would smoke, go to White Castle, and then go see the movie, preferably on opening night.

Well, we’re a couple of lying jackholes, because not only did we never do that, but we have both never had White Castle (aside from the ones in the freezer aisle, obvi, best drunk food ever) AND ALSO have not yet seen Harold and Kumar 2 even though I actually own it on DVD.

So Wednesday night was my first chance to right this heinous wrong. Also, from the first time I saw the White Castle commercial for their new/seasonal BBQ pulled pork slider, I knew I really had to get my ass in gear and get to a White Castle. BBQ pulled pork is like shredded meat from the gods. And dipping it in ranch. I mean, come on. What’s better? If you don’t know about that magic that is the combination of BBQ and Ranch I instruct you to try it immediately. It will change your life. I know it, Chelsea Handler knows it, you should know it too.

And lets just take a second to talk about the genius that is a slider. It’s a hamburger. But it’s TINY. What more could you ask for? Mini food is a great novelty. I think when mini Oreos came out I gained 10 lbs… and I was in like 7th grade. But these delectable sliders are just beautifully crafted sandwiches that I look forward to continue consuming every once in a while. P.S. The White Castle on 36th and 8th is open 24 hours. So there’s no excuse to not go. It’s always open.

The caliber of people inside a White Castle… Hmm, how do I put this? I wouldn’t invite them over for white wine spritzers, but I wasn’t scared they were going to clop me over the head and steal my bag of mini burgers either.

Maybe I do eat like a Midwesterner. Does that make me less human? Maybe a little. Does it make me less skinny? Definitely. But if you deny that fast food is delicious, then you're just a liar.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

And it's been suggested that Stephen Hawking stole his "Brief History of Time"... From my 4th grade paper.

I don't know if you know about this, but the old people are going to revolt. And it's going to be soon. And by soon I mean tomorrow.

How do I know this? Brady, are you a soothsayer? Kind of. But more just an astute observer with the power to put two and two together like you've never seen. And here is what is going to happen: Tomorrow, June 12, all television stations switch to broadcasting exclusively in digital format. No more analog. That means that you will no longer get anything from a TV with an antenna. You have to be plugged into a "converter box" to receive any signal at all.

This is hilarious but kind of weird. Like, if you really think about, do YOU know anyone that watches TV on a set with an antenna? I sure as shit don't. But if I did, I guarantee that person would be older than 70 and live in the midwest. Seriously you guys, there are going to be old fat women in their moo moos rioting in the streets when they turn on their TVs and instead of seeing a hideously unclear version of Jerry Springer they just see the static. I'm picturing the mom from "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" if you couldn't tell.

And p.s. I consider one of life's great mysteries (well it's not a mystery so much as just some really great acting) how Leonardo Dicaprio went from this:

To this:

But I love it. There's nothing like a good "before and after". But I digress...

The reason I'm convinced that so many people don't know this is happening (I'm back to talking about the TV switch... in case you forgot about that because you were caught of guard by Leo's beauty slash skill at playing a mentally retarded person) is because the commercials they show on TV to inform you of this are few and far between. I watch an astoundingly large amount of TV and I see these commercials MAYBE once a week, but probably not even that often. So for someone who is too busy looking at pictures of their friends grandchildren, cleaning their dentures, playing bridge and knitting all day long, the opportunity for them to both see and hear one of these commercials is pretty small.

And don't worry, there's a website that explains it all. PHEW, because people watching a TV with an antenna DEFINITELY know how to use the internet. Sense the sarcasm. Feel the sarcasm. I think I talked to a few of these people this winter when I had to answer questions to twenties of old people who called my company to order a holiday program we produced a couple years back. It's called the Holiday Train Show and it is a behind-the-scenes, in-depth look at an annual model train show that is put on at the New York Botanical Gardens every year. The model trains go through a model city of New York City, but not just ANY model of NYC, a model made completely out of flowers and foliage. YUP.

Anyway, when the old people call to order this program they are usually surprised or disappointed that it only comes on DVD but many times this is fine since they are ordering it as a gift for their grandchildren. Then when I take their order, the online form I fill out requires an e-mail address, and I'd say at least 75% of them did not have e-mail addresses. These are the people who are going to be screwed come tomorrow when their PBS isn't coming in from their antenna. It's going to get ugly.

I'm telling you, this is going to be one of those things that people don't really think is a big deal and then all of a sudden something bad is going to happen. People are going to DIE I tell you. I'm not sure how, but I just know they are.The old people in the midwest won't be able to get their tornado warning through their TV and will be swept away by a deadly tornado as Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton try to save them. What? I didn't see the movie Twister until it had been out for like 5 years. Because I was scared. True. Story. Not only did I get over that fear, but I have also been on the Twister ride/experience at Universal Studios. Flying cows up a storm.

Who knows who will survive this massacre. I envision something similar to the episode of South Park about the danger of Senior Citizens driving (one of the best eps ever). And then they all drive at the same time and it's mayhem. Maybe the static TVs will make all the old people to drive all at once, creating a similar effect. If you're listening to this, you are the resistance. This is John Connor.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

I Can't Stand the Rain

I know, most people hate the rain. I actually like the rain... but ONLY when I'm either hungover or planning on spending the day in bed. Because the rain makes things like that ok, when they are clearly socially unacceptable, and clearly something I did both Saturday and Sunday last weekend. Oops. But normally, I'm in the majority: The Rain Haters.

My main issue with the rain, other than the depressing gray sky getting the best of my self-diagnosed Seasonal Depression (SAD), is that there's no avoiding it. You use raincoats and umbrellas to combat it, but it's a losing battle.

My freshman year of college I took this American Literature class (which I didn't pay attention to the entire first half of the semester because every time I sat down to read my homework I would start obsessing over a boy who I made out with once and who didn't like me back. COLLLLLEEEGGGGEEEE!!!!). Anyway, we had this crazy hippie teacher (Lee Allen Carlton, I know you were dying to know his full name) and we read all of this crazy hippie literature. One of our books was about a Utopian society that had retractable awnings or a retractable bubble cover or something, that they put up whenever it rained. THAT. IS. GENIUS. So ever since then, every time it rains all I can do, as I walk on the street, is think how stupid humans are and why we haven't figured out a way to effectively shield us from the rain. It's actually pathetic that we haven't.

Umbrellas are the WORST. And as far as I'm concerned people who carry giant golf umbrellas on city streets are basically telling me they want me to take that umbrella and hit them over the head with it. Why in Gods green earth do you think you can take up an entire sidewalk with your umbrella so that you can get slightly less wet than EVERYONE else that is out in the rain? Rude.

I boycotted umbrellas for a while and went straight raincoat. Raincoats are way better, but their downfall is that they don't cover your bag/purse, or in my case, my North Face backpack I've been taking to work for the past 3 weeks. No big deal. I'm sorry, when I'm carting my computer back and forth everyday it's just the easiest option. I'm already lopsided enough from carrying a heavy bag, and I'm sick of it. This is me standing up to scoliosis.... and looking like a total bull dyke on a daily basis. But that's neither here nor there.

The other issue the rain poses is what to wear on your feet. Rainboots are fine for the winter, but they're hot and sticky in the spring/summer, and if it's already warm out, that's the last thing I need. So Since like junior year of college I've been wearing my Sperry Top-Siders in the rain. It's a pretty good choice. These things are like indestructible. They're water proof and they're comfortable. Done. Buuuuuuuut they don't help me look like less of a bull dyke, esp. in combination with skinny jeans... and the green North Face backpack. Yeah, it's green. Sexual.

Being wet from the rain is almost as bad as sweating when not working out or in a sauna/steam room. But what's even worse is being wet AND sweating from walking to work (or walking to the bus stop, whatevs). It's just soooooo miserable. And sticky. Ew. And I think it's been oddly rainy this year. It rains at least twice a week. And I'm sick of it.

I know there were more things I hate about rain, but I'm so over the rain that I can't even talk about it anymore. Wah!

Friday, June 5, 2009

Redheads we go hard, we go hard.

This is my second post about a redhead this week. This is also my second post in which I altered the song title, "Brooklyn we go hard" for a title. I'm sorry, the song is just too good and I use it in daily conversation too. Normal. And now I guess I have to make it my song of the day. This song makes me want to pack my bags and move to Brooklyn. Just kidding you guys, I'd die before moving to an outer burrough, let's be serious.

Wednesday night I was watching the episode of Curb where Larry waves to other Prius drivers because they have a special bond, redheads are kind of like that. We might not wave at each other, but we do have a special unspoken bond that stems from overcoming the hardships associated with being a ginger. It's our sense humor that sustained us as a people for 3,000 years. That's a Seinfeld reference. Tim Whately. Count it.

Conan is a pretty scary looking ginger, I'm not gunna lie about it. He's pale and lanky and just really gingery. But I do think that his humor paired with his general physical weirdness does make him attractive. But then again, if someone tells me a good knock-knock joke I will hop into bed with them in two winks of a coal-miner's eye, regardless of what they look like... Well, that's a lie, height also gets factored into that equation. But it's not necessarily a deal breaker. That's just how I roll.

Back to my fellow redhead: I've always liked Conan. Not enough to watch him on a nightly basis, because I prefer watching three repeats of Seinfeld on my DVR per night instead of talk shows, but when I did catch his show (Late Night with Conan O'Brien) back in the dizay, I always enjoyed it. It's not pee in your pants funny, but you definitely chuckle out loud (COL?) more than once. And he used to write for SNL, so what's not to love? (I actually just decided Conan's person motto should be "So tall and lanky, my suit it should thank me," courtesy of J Hova, ya heard?) My dad used to say he didn't like Conan because Conan's monologues always has too much "We have a great show for you tonight"s in them. Which is true.

And I still don't really understand what happened with the whole Jay Leno totally fucking over Conan by starting his own 10pm show. I really don't. And I am glad Conan got the Tonight Show and I do think Leno should have just bowed out cause his time was up or not given it away to begin with. But I am just waiting for the next doozey that they throw at us. Like when Jay Leno got the tonight show instead of David Letterman. I'm really just waiting for someone to move Chelsea Handler to network television, to be quite honest.

Conan's monologue on Wednesday night didn’t bomb, but it wasn’t a roaring success either. He finally wrapped it up pretty nicely by calling back most of the monologue in one sentence, and that got a good laugh. I enjoyed it. And then we have the guests. I’m already swooning in my desk chair and getting light headed thinking about Bradley Cooper. Calm down, Brady.

The first guest was Julia Louis Dreyfus, who I love love love. BUT, I have this thing with her where I love her on her shows, but out of character I’m just like not that in love with her. I went to see Letterman last year when she was on it and like her story was blah. Michael Cera was the other guest on Letterman that episode and he was like WAY better than she was. I mean she’s gorgeous and I want to be her, but I really think she’s just a great actress and not that funny of a person at all. It’s hard for me to admit that to myself, and to you, but there it is.

Her interview with Conan was fine, nothin spesh. Although there was one sketch that they did (it was pre-recorded) where she steals an Oscar from the Universal cafeteria and then Kenneth from 30 Rock comes on and tries to take it away from her and she knees him in the balls and yells “TAKE THAT MOTHER FUCKER!” and runs away. It was hi-larious. But that was written for her, that wasn't her being her. Acting again.

Then my boyfriend was the next guest. He is my boyfriend because a. He’s super sexual b. We have like almost the same name c. I am in love with him (If this was my roommate’s list she would replace my b. with “because his name is Sack in Wedding Crashers”). If you think I'm not a fan of his groundbreaking work in Failure to Launch, think again.

Bradley Cooper is about to take the world by storm. He is attractive and hilarious, and that is hard to find. I am usually attracted to unattractive people because of their hilariousness (as referenced earlier) and many hilarious people are unattractive. Am I talking in circles? Don’t care. But Bradley is simultaneously hilarious and ridiculously good-looking, which really throws me for a loop. Anyway, Bradley’s whole persona, his mannerisms, his mouth, the way he talks, his hair, his style AHHHHHH is just like the perfect package. Long hair, short hair, clean shaven, scruffy, DON’T CARE. It’s all deadly. My heart is pounding at the thought of him.

His one downfall is that he is definitely short. Everyone looks short next to Conan (except Kareem Abdul Jabar, who made a surprise appearance), but then when he stood next to Julia Louis Dreyfus he was only a few inches taller than her, and she’s 5’3”… So he is def under 6 feet and that’s just not ok. If he was over 6 feet tall I would already be in LA stalking him.

Soooooo, what was the point of this entry? Hmmm... Conan on the Tonight Show gets a B, Julia Louis Dreyfus is only good when in character, and Bradley Cooper is going to file a restraining order against me in the near future.

On an unrelated note: I just had subway for lunch (wattup meatball parm) for the first time in over a year and it was spectacular.

And now, a treat to brighten your rainy Friday:

Thursday, June 4, 2009

The city... Well the city is just the city

Have you been to Times Square lately? If you're smart/normal your answer should be no. But if you unfortunately work near Times Square like I do, then you have seen the mayhem that is going on over there. The city of New York has apparently decided to CLOSE the section of Broadway that runs through Times Square, and placed hundreds of beach chairs in the closed street. Not nice shaze lounges or nice beach chairs, straight up Duane-Reade-purchased, shitty beach chairs.

Lets discuss why this is the stupidest decision ever:

Times Square is arguably the most hideous place in the city, if not the world. The tourists walk like morons and if you're trying to speed through from your day job to your night job, which are located on opposite ends of Times Square from each other, you're screwed. I'm pretty sure I'm the only person in New York who has that specific problem, but whatevs. Most actual New Yorkers will avoid Times Square at all costs. In fact, during the winter I used to walk one avenue out of my way just to avoid the cluster fuck that is Times Square.

Times Square is one of the most congested areas of the city, so yeah, you should totally close one of the two streets that go through it. That makes so much sense.

Tip to out of towners: If your cab driver is takes you through Times Square, you're getting scammed.

Since I don't follow major/minor/any news, I didn't know about this until it happened last week. But apparently it's been in the works for a while. As I read through a NY Times article from February I see what the whole plan is. And there is another plan to close Broadway all the way up to Columbus Circle. That's kind of crazy/ambitious if I do say so myself. I mean if they made it into a cool promenade, that would be one thing, and if there were copious amount of retail stores lining these streets, that would be another, but neither of those options are what is going on.

Because of my work locations, I have done the Columbus Circle through Times Square walk via Broadway many a time, and it is slim pickins. The fact that there isn't an H&M or a Forever 21 in the greater Columbus Circle area is a travesty to humanity. But furthermore, there isn't one good/normal place to stop and shop on that walk. And the Time Warner Center is a horrible place to shop. Armani Exchange? Barf. God, this is making me want to rant on how much I hate the West Side, but I'll refrain.

The idea is, if Broadway is closed the traffic will get better in Times Square because it will be streamlined. I don't know, it's risky move. Although when I took the bus down Broadway the past couple of days the traffic actually wasn't too bad around 5:30. And I always have had this hatred for Broadway because the city is a grid and Broadway being on a diagonal TOTALLY throws things off. Is it east? Is it west? I have no fucking clue. It's all over the place. Maybe that Bloomberg has some tricks up his sleeve after all.

Having a full street as a pedestrian walkway is supposed to alleviate congestion on the sidewalks. Well, this makes sense in theory, but since the entire pedestrian walk-way is strewn with shitty beach chairs filled with over-weight tourists watching jumbo trons like they're in a living room watching TV, I'd say it's pretty much a backwards step. This area is the last place in the world that needs MORE reasons to loiter.

All in all, I love a good pedestrian promenade. But Times Square is the stupidest place to put one, if only because, who the hell wants to be in Times Square? It's right in the middle of the city so it's not like there are breezes coming off the water in the summer, you're landlocked by sky scrapers, and it's going to be hot as shit. AND it is going to make the entire area even more touristy than it already is. I guess that will be good for business? But I think it alienates the real New Yorkers from that area even more than before. OR maybe it's a plan to round up all the tourists to one area so we don't have to deal with them. Hmmm... I am now toying with the idea of finding a beach chair to watch the Tony Award simulcast on the jumbo trons this Sunday. What? Neil Patrick Harris is hosting, come on, how can I resist?

But I still have to visit Stone Street for an in depth study of NYC pedestrian promenades. And so my mission to visit Stone Street and hit on hot men in suits continues. And by hit on I mean stare at awkwardly from a distance, obviiiiii.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

The Bitch Is Back

Ok I held out like three days and posted about Prince Harry first, but I'm sorry, I can't just not address the season finale of The Hills, it would go against everything I stand for. Warning: If you did not watch the ONE HOUR season final of The Hills on Sunday night, you might want to stop reading now because this is going to sound like complete teeny-bopper gibberish...

So Heidi and Spencer got married. Big surprise, we all saw this in the tabloids like months ago (and on Steph Pratt's website.. I mean... what??) This is my latest conclusion about Spencer and Heidi: I've decided that I actually hate Heidi more than Spencer. I know. I know. It's weird. But please read my reasoning:

1. Her fake hair. Spencer might have a flesh colored beard, but Heidi has so much fake hair on her head it's actually hard to look at her. I'm sorry, I have like the thickest head of hair known to man and if I stood next to Heidi I would legit look like I was balding.
2. Her insatiable hunger for fame. I mean obviously everyone that is on The Hills is a fame hungry douche (except for you, Lauren, love you xoxoxoxo) But Heidi has taken it to a totally different level. She married... Spencer. The devil himself. I would rather be a nobody in Winchestertonfieldville, Iowa than spend ANY time alone with Spencer, and I'm not even talking about having sex with him (insert Jim-Carrey-style dry heave here) I'm just talking about being in an apartment with him and saying "Did you return the movies to blockbuster?" and him replying "NOPE!" and me projectile vomiting all over his face. My conclusion here is that the only thing worse than being as douchey as Spencer is to not only want to be around but MARRY someone as douche-tastic as Spencer.

3. Her stupidity. It was never a secret that Heidi was a moron. But for some reason it just started really irritating me. It's like, there are so many things for her to say when Spencer acts like he does or when person after person tells her that her future/current husband is a giant heinous douche and instead of responding she just stares at them with puppy dog eyes and 10 lbs worth of blond extensions.
4. Her use of the word "Princess". I want a Princess wedding! I feel like a Princess! I want to be dripping with diamonds like a Princess! KILL YOURSELF HEIDI!!!!!
5. Her choice of wedding dress. Feathers? Really?

6. "I want this to be the most extravagant wedding ever!" STFU!
7. I want my body to look like hers minus the fake giant ta tas.

How about the fact that one of the clips of Heidi that plays during the intro (FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN!) is a shot of her going to talk to Lauren about attending her wedding in the second to last episode. Sorry MTV, you screwed the pooch on that one. I can't even fathom how this show is edited and what the actual time line is. WHAT a mystery. I guess it's good that those are the things that keep me up at night, as opposed to real problems or issues.

What was up with that nonnyposh Holly was spewing at the rehearsal dinner? She is either a highly functioning alcoholic, or the Meth addiction was contagious and she has caught it from Stephanie Pratt. Nothing she did made any sense. If you throw food at a fancy dinner and someone gets mad at you, don't storm off crying, realize that YOU did something wrong and just apologize for it and move on. What an unnecessary scene. And the thing I hated most about it was that I was siding with Spencer in the argument. Siding with Spencer makes me uncomfortable, it's a sign that something is very very wrong with the balance of the universe. The equilibrium of the galaxy was way off. The whole episode makes Spencer look like the good guy and it's really starting to freak me the f out.

And did Charlie seriously take Staci the bartender to the wedding as his date!? I thought that was a joke. Charlie has really been showing his true colors in recent episodes, in a good way. He suggested to Spencer that he apologize to Lauren to make Heidi happy, great advice (that sounds sarcastic, but I'm being serious). He also did something else that was strangely nice and smart and I was really disoriented by it. But then he brought Staci to the wedding and I was just confused but also really surprised and impressed. I was also surprised Heidi didn't rip out her extensions and shove them down Staci's throat.

Lauren is such a class act. Duh. The Brodster finally convinced her that she should go to the wedding. And who wouldn't listen to a suggestion from Brody Jenner? If Brody says jump, I say "how high?" and then I jump ON him and rape him. See how I did that there? Yup.

Sorry, I got a little carried away. Love makes us do crazy things. Am I right?

I really did not understand why Lauren had to take a black car to leave the wedding. Couldn't she just drive herself? Odd. And I don't really believe she's actually going to leave The Hills. This idea is just a poor career choice, the Mischa Barton of poor career choices, if you will. I don't care if she's scared of being typecast, too late sweetheart. You will always be "that girl" from Laguna/The Hills, so you embrace it and milk it for ALL it's worth.

Finally, "The Bitch Is Back". Has a better tag line ever existed? I think not. A tag line like that makes me want to drop everything and work in promos for the rest of my life. Because it's GENIUS. Kristen Cavalleri doesn't give a shit about anyone, and that's what makes her great. She's going to hook up with everyone's boyfriends and when she is confronted about it will definitely use the words "chill" or "chill out" numerous times. God knows what she's been up to for the past four years, but I am SO EXCITED to find out. Since we're bringing KCav's back I would like to start a petition to bring back the whole cast of seasons 1 and 2 of Laguna and throw them right into The Hills. Or just Stephen Colleti... And Talan... And Cedric... And Taylor, and Alex M. and Alex P. and Jessica and Deiter! and blah blah blah. AHHHHH!!! ALL OF 'EM!

Monday, June 1, 2009

Sexual Seduction

Although I typically agree with Chelsea Handler on almost all topics, I have found a chink in her armor. That doesn’t make sense. A fault in her logic, lets say.

Chelsea has a huge issue with redheaded guys. An issue I support and agree with. For some reason red hair on guys just does not work. One of my issues with the unattractiveness of redheaded guys is that if I ever procreate with one, I’m going to have ginger babies. And while I have pulled off being a ginger in a way that few dared to dream was even possible, this gift is not something that the male species can come across as easily. On girls it's possible, but for guys it's seemingly impossible... or so I had thought.

Because of current events / celebrity news, I was recently reminded of the one male who has actually successfully overcome the ginger gene and managed to be one of the most attractive people ever:

Prince Harry.

Prince Harry had his first trip to the big apple this weekend to play in the Veuve Cliquot Manhattan Polo Classic. Although the accent helps him be ridiculously attractive, he really would be fine without it. He’s got a Paul Bettany thing going on, but better.

Lets go over some of the factors that make Prince Harry so attractive: Is it the royalty? Yes. The accent? Yes. The pot smoking? Yes. The general badassness? Yes. The polo playing? Yes. The style? Yes. The modesty? Yes. The redheadedness? No… but yes?

It’s strange. It’s like he’s overcome this tremendous handicap in the world of shallow judging and I don’t even know if it’s because all the other stuff outweighs it. If you just saw him on the street or at a bar and he wasn’t a prince, he was just some guy you saw at Dorrian’s (although being at Dorrian’s would in itself be a point counted against him, but that’s just where I picture he would be if he wasn’t royalty) would he be attractive?

Sometimes I can’t tell. His gingerness is pretty intense, but doesn't have freckles, so that works in his favor. He also has kind of tanned skin, maybe it’s from being outside and playing polo, maybe it’s from being in Afghanistan and Africa (sexy). Since he and I are both daywalkers I think it might be a sign that we're meant to be. Either way there’s just something about him that just makes tweens slash all females melt.

Enjoy Matt Laur’s interview with P.Harry and observe for yourself if and how his red hair adds or subtracts from his overall attractiveness.