Friday, August 28, 2009

What? LIke it's hard?

Ok, so I don’t know how I missed this (yes I do, I’ve been in the process of moving and haven’t watched TV in a week. Yes, a whole week. I know, I feel dead on the inside…) but apparently Heidi performed at Miss Universe… Really? Who put this show together and legitimately thought, “Hmm, we need to fill 3 minutes here… I wonder if we can get Heidi Montag!?!?!?”

Well thank god they did, because this is really showcasing how pathetic Heidi is. Yeah, fine, say you have 20-30 orgasms a day. Things like that are just talk. I don't believe it and there's no way to prove it. So whatever. But Heidi has officially put her money where her mouth is with this performance. This is no longer just annoying tweens who watch MTV (and me) talking about Heidi, she’s somehow made an actual entrance into the scene. And it’s incredible.

Lets dissect this performance for a bit, shall we?

Maybe I’ll start off being nice. That would be an interesting change of pace, wouldn’t it? Ok, here it goes: She looks great. I mean her legs look retardedly stumpy (whoopsie, so much for being nice), but her face and body and hair are kind of unbelievable. Maybe the plastic has finally settled, and softened into a more humanlike fa├žade. I think that might be what it is. But whatever, I saw her and I was like whoa, she looks great.

Ok, now we have negative commentary. Here’s where I get to sink my teeth in. First we have the signing. Like it’s one thing to lip synch. Fine, I get it. I’m sure it’s not easy to sing while running around a stage and dancing. But like at least make the lip synching sound like someone’s actually singing it. The music is all so mechanized that there’s no point in even having her pretend like she’s singing it, because she is definitely and positively not. Human voice doesn’t sound like that, sorry.

Next we have the dancing. Oooooohoho, the dancing. Her moves are reminiscent to my 8th grade performance in the Bedford Bistro, aka my middle school’s talent show. Let’s get something straight first, I don’t pretend like I’m a good dancer. I’d much rather dance really spazzy and laugh at myself and have other people laugh at me then attempt to do any sort of sexy move out on the d-floor, because that would be highly embarrassing. My latest dance move is called the hula hoop and it consists of pretending like you have a hula hoop around your waist.

But this is the definition of someone who really thinks they look good at what they're doing. And maybe it's not her fault. She has Spencer in her ear telling her she looks great and is doing great every step of the way. So that's probably part of it. But it also reminds me of a bunch of middle schoolers busting out some moves that a high school cheerleader taught them and legitimately believing they're hot shit. Especially when you see Heidi's moves in contrast with those of her backup dancers, who can actually dance.

Heidi is really trying to be a seductress in this performance, can I even call it that? And if you were just looking at her face, you would totally be seduced. But you're not. Her moves are atrocious. Seriously, Britney Spears’ moves take a sloppy shit on Heidi’s attempt at a dance performance. You're not a dancer, Heidi. You should not try to dance. You should probably never dance in public again, let alone on a nationally (internationally?) broadcasted show.

The outfit is also Heidi trying to be Britney. Sorry hun, you don’t make the cut. Yeah your body looks great, but don’t try to steal the nude with sparkles onesie from Britney. It’s not happening. But the cool black stripes down the sides of the pants, that totally jazzes it up and makes it your own (sense the sarcasm).

I don’t even know what else to say about this. I just want to watch it on repeat for the rest of my life.

Oh my god. I thought I was done writing, and then I went to look up Heidi's Playboy interview and I just had to share Spencer's response to Heidi asking him how many phones he has:

I have one…two [takes phones out], three, four—four with me today. The Nokia N95 is for video content, and the BlackBerry is best for e-mails because they get pushed the fastest. The iPhone is for my blogging and to tap TMZ, Perez Hilton or Us Weekly, and the Sidekick is for my Twitter army—400,000 and growing. If I mix these gadgets up, business will shut down for the day.

I highly recommend reading the whole interview. Amazing.

And I also just realized that Heidi's moves remind me of Ariana, except not as good...

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Grievances and Complaints

So you may or may not know (or care) that TD Bank North merged with Commerce Bank forming TD Bank. Such a creative transition, I know. Whatever. But you would think, since it is 2009 and technology appears to be in full swing, that this merger would have gone more smoothly. Also, since we are in The Great Depression Part Deux, I would think businesses (and banks) would want to make absolutely all interactions as easy and user-friendly as possible for their customers.

Apparently not. I'm officially thinking about leaving TD Bank. The first and main problem is that all the Commerce Bank's that have changed over to TD are on a different computer and organizational system. What does that mean? When I want to deposit a check at one of those places (and no I don't have direct deposit, because I work in an apartment with a man) I have to fill out a special/different deposit slip and then wait for someone who is knowledgeable enough to handle my transaction.

The other week I waited somewhere in the vicinity of 7 minutes when there were ZERO other customers. I gave all of the employees the stink eye before dramatically/ceremoniously ripping up my deposit slip and storming out of the bank in a huff without depositing anything. I showed them! Or they could care less. Either way... Something must be done! Someone must be held accountable!

TD Bank North also used to have no ATM fees. You could take out cash literally every single day for a year from random convenience store ATMs and at the end of each month they would reimburse your ATM fees. It was magical. I think it might have been a dream. Because now you have to have something crazy like $2,500 in your bank account for no ATM fees. Thanks for nothing, TD Bank. Who do you think I am? John D. Rockerfeller?

My one allegiance to TD Bank North? Their spokespersons: Sam Waterston and Regis. I don't think you know the joy that entered my life the first time I saw Sammy Wats on TV for a TD AmeriTrade commercial. I was just so happy to see his face and couldn't stop thinking about how I wanted to buy whatever he was selling, and then there it was... MY bank. Jack McCoy endorses MY bank. What could be better? Nothing!

And it's not like I've watched Regis on anything other than when he gets interviewed on TV at the US Open every year, which I'm looking forward to in the coming weeks. From those interviews I have grown to love Regis as a sort of surrogate grandfather. Don't ask me why, just accept these feelings I have for him. That goofy old man. Who Wants to Be A Millionaire was good times, wasn't it? Damn you, Slumdog.

And if you think I'm not going to use the mention of Sam Waterston's name to spur a random collage of pictures of him, think again:

Ugh! Look at that punim! How adorable!

Super sexual.

Super duper sexual. I'm sorry, if I was over 60 I would totally j-off to Sammy Wats. What a silver fox.

No pictures for Regis, because a. I'm too lazy and b. Sammy Wats get special treatment, always and forever.

OK, I'll keep this one short because I don't have much else to say and this topic isn't particularly interesting. I just needed to vent about my banking trails and tribulations. I refuse to switch to Bank of America though, doing something like that, in my mind, is the equivalent of adding a show like Lost to my repertoire. Just because everyone else does it, doesn't mean I have to to. SOLIDARITY, SISTER!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

A Moral Quandary

Let me just say: I hate Giuliana Rancic. I hate her with the fire of a thousand suns. I hate her hair. I hate her spray tan. I hate how she looks like this girl who was in my sorority who I also hate. I hate her airbrushed/spray-tanned cleavage. I hate her hair color. I hate her hair texture. I hate the way she parts her hair. I hate her voice. I hate her personality. I hate her alien/bug-like features. I hate the questions she asks when interviewing. I hate her nose. I hate the shape of her head. I hate her mouth. I hate her style. I hate her clothes. I hate everything she stands for…

But she said “whatevs” in her interview on Chelsea the other night so now I’m having second thoughts. Really? That’s all it took? Yup. She made fun of Seacrest too. Fuck. And not just a general poking fun at, she made fun of his height. Compared him to Chuy. That is good stuff. You have no idea the inner turmoil I’m going through right now.

My entire world has been turned upside down. Black is white. Up is down. Giuliana has her own reality show and I actually am dying to see it. Even now, I’m typing these words and they’re not really making sense to me, but I know it’s how I feel in my heart. My heart which beats soley for TV and the excitement of seeing a new show and deciding if I like it or not. And usually knowing before I see it if I'm going to like it or not. And I'm going to like this.

I’ve heard Giuliana and Bill is going to be good. And when I say “I heard” I mean I saw a preview and said “That looks kind of good” and my roommate said, “I’ve heard it’s good”. So that’s me hearing that it’s good.

The clip they showed on Chelsea Lately before the Giuliana and Bill joint interview was pretty funny. It was of them moving into their new house and Giuliana screaming for Bill to come into the basement:

Bill: What?
Giuliana: I think this Barka lounger is broken
Bill: That is not an emergency. We have 14 moving men upstairs right now.
Giuliana: Will you just sit in it? I think it’s broken.
Bill: No. That is not an emergency I have to go back upstairs. We’ll deal with this later.
Giuliana: Just sit in it!
Bill: No.
Giuliana: Please! Just sit in it for two seconds and try it.
Bill: Jesus (sits in chair, pushes back and the chair goes back fine).
Giuliana: How’d you do that????

It’s almost like a smarter version of Newlyweds. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, calling Giuliana smart. I’m just saying she’s not as dumb as Jessica Simpson, but neither is dried mud and grass stuck to the bottom of my boot heels from last winter.

And the show’s on Style Network? Is that real? Is that legal? I didn’t know Giuliana DePandi Rancic's face was allowed to appear anywhere other than E!. Seriously. I was like 90 % sure (and still kind of am) that she is contractually obligated to appear only on E!. I almost think my TV is going to break if I see her face on a channel other than E! because the airwaves just aren’t equipped for her to break out of that bubble yet. But my TV also might break when I see her face on it because I get the urge to throw something at the TV when I look lovingly at it and see those bug-eyes staring back at me. Oh don't worry, just saw that Style Network is a sister network of E!. Phew, I thought my gut had been wrong, I should have known better than to second guess myself when it comes to TV.

The other thing that is really throwing me for a loop is that Chelsea seems to like Giuliana and Bill. I mean fine, like Bill, but if Chelsea fucking Handler legitimately likes Giuliana then there’s no way I won’t. It’s science.

Holy shit. I just googled them. Did you know that they met because he won The Apprentice and she interviewed him and they fell in love!? What??? I am shocked. I had no idea. I was under the impression that he was a quiet/shy guy that wasn’t into that scene. Guess I was wrong. It makes way more sense this way, because I didn’t understand how a quiet/shy guy could be into Giuliana DePandi. I didn’t get how any guy could be into Giuliana DePandi. Still don’t. But I’m way excited for this show to enlighten me.

In closing, I hope you will join me in this funky adventure on the Style Network Wednesdays at 9. I think you can already watch like full episodes of it on Style Network's website, but I'm waiting for the big screen. I would tell you what channel Style Network is, but I have no idea.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Isolate her from her friends, repeat her name in conversation, subtly put her down...

Have you ever watched NY1 before? For the non New Yorkers, I will show you a clip of said "news" channel here so you can follow along, as I rip these people a new one.

Really NY1? Really?? When I was but a mere college student studying the ancient craft of journalism, my favorite professor, who was from CT (like me!!!), would reference NY1 on the reg. Not that he held it in a high standard in his references to it, in retrospect, but the fact that he would bring it up made me think that it was important. Like it was some high-held standard of Journalism that one day I'd be lucky to get close enough to.

Well, so much for that. Have you seen NY1? You should say yes because you should have clicked on the link I so thoughtfully found on the interweb. Anyway, incase you hate internet websites as much as I do I will TELL you how bad NY1 is. IT'S HORRIBLE!!!!!!! It is embarrassing. And until recently there wasn't even a way to avoid it. Time Warner did some sort of revamp of their system and made NY1 the default channel. So if you turn your cable box off, NY1 greets you when you turn it back on.

And because Time Warner sucks balls it usually takes the cable box like 10 seconds to warm up enough to be able to change the channel. I know the 10-second delay thing is something specific to my cable box, but you know what? They chose the wrong girl. Fuck. You. Time. Warner. But apparently there is a way to change your default channel so that is not NY1. PHEW!

We are New York. New. Fucking. York. We don't have less than average anything, except for decent apartments at a non-exorbitant price... And being nice to people... And not moving at a fast pace... But those are like the only things New York is bad at. And when it comes to a local news channel, it's seriously the most heinous thing you could ever watch. I'm not talking about a just-not-that-good news channel, I'm talking so bad that when those 10 seconds are on and I have to hear it while I'm frantically pushing "list" or "guide" I'm either screaming out loud or in my head "I HATE YOU NY1!!!!!" on repeat until it goes away... Usually out loud.

The evening anchor is a joke. A serious joke. His voice makes me want to curl up into a ball and die. Why would anyone so monotonous and awful be like, "Oh, I have an idea... I should share this voice with people in one of the largest markets in the world via Broadcast Journalism." No. You should cut our your trachea and burn it in a fire pit that exceeds 360 degrees. You can kind of hear it here But it’s MUCH worse when he’s anchoring instead of interviewing Korean pop stars. You sir, are the black male version of Rita Cosby.

Once upon a me arguing with a Southern person about why New York is superior to any other city especially southern cities, I finally realized what my point would be to forever win this conversation. If you're at the height of your profession, where do you go? Answer: New York. Done. And if someone argued that with me, I'd be like "I don't care, I don't want to be the best, I'm fine with being somewhere in the middle". Which is true. But to the people that I argued with, it's the point that works.

And now I've found a chink in that argument, and I'm not talking about fake designer bags on Canal Street. It's NY1. NY1 doesn't fit into the grand scheme of things. As you now know from reading the beginning of this post, I was a Journalism Major. And after an internship in broadcast news, I know a thing or two about this topic. Everyone I interned with wanted to be on-air talent. I was in an extreme minority of people who did not raise their hands at intern meetings when some News Anchor would ask us "How many of you want to be on camera?"

The one piece of advice that EVERY newscaster told us from randoms to Brian Williams (albeit, no NY1 newscasters) was that you have to go the middle of nowhere to start. A "small market" as we say in the biz. Because you're going to be bad and you're going to fuck up and you don't want to do that in New York or any major city. Obviously New York is one of the largest markets in the biz. And no one should see NY1. No one. I don't know where these assholes were trained to do their job, or what the hiring process is at NY1, but it is pathetic.

So my point is, if everyone is supposed to move to New York when they're the best at things because it's the biggest and most important market, then who the hell are the people on NY1? They are definitely not the best in their field. No only the on-camera talent, but also the producers. Who are these people that this is the way they present their programming?? The backdrops on the sets, the graphics packages. It all looks like it was done in a high school media lab during Special Ed hour.

And yeah, I might only watch NY1 when I turn on my TV at 10 o'clock at night to begin a marathon of Seinfeld re-runs. But that's like a very important time for news. I'm pretty sure that's one of the main hours when people who care about things actually watch the news. But I can't be too sure, as I am not one of those people and prefer to distance myself as much as possible from those who fit that description.

My message to NY1: Shape up or ship out.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Enjoy it, Coach Dick 'n' Balls.

I’m so sick of re-branding. Like SciFi is changing to SyFy? That doesn’t even make sense. Like No... Just... No. If you’re going to re-brand you really have to make it count. Let me first share with you my very first encounter with a personal re-brand, aka someone trying to re-brand herself. This is an instance of something that annoyed me so much that I still talk about it on the reg, approx 6 years later and it still lights a fire under my ass every time I bring it up. God, I hate people sometimes.

My freshman year there was a girl in my orientation group named K.C. For months I legit thought her name was Casey. Which is fine. I like the name Casey, especially for a girl. But I later found out it was K.C., her initials. Which I guess is OK, since there was another girl on our hall with the same exact name as her except for a one-letter difference in the last name. And yeah, I get it. It’s fucked up that the school would put the two girls with the same exact name on the same hall their freshman year. So I get you wanting to do something different. But I also didn't realize until later that K.C. hadn't always been K.C., I just assumed that was her name. Because when people tell you what their name is, that is usually the safe assumption. Usually...

Well the two K.C.’s (Katie and K.C.) became best friends. To this day, they are best friends (as I have seen on Facebook). And after freshman year, the K.C. who requested to be called K.C. then requested to go back to her original name, Katie. Seriously? Seriously. You know what I said to that? Fuck you. It’s a name. You’re not Prince, you can’t just change your name on a whim to whatever you want and then to a symbol. The artist formerly known as Prince barely even pulled that off. You're definitely not going to be able to. Get the fuck over yourself and go with the name your parents gave you. And if you are douchey enough to change your name, don’t change it back after a year!!! How embarrassing for you. And if you’re not embarrassed by that, then there’s something seriously wrong with you.

I know a few other people who have decided to start going by their middle name, or change the spelling of their name. This is just as douchey and I’m also embarrassed for them, because apparently they are too unaware of social norms to be embarrassed for themselves. I may not identify with this situation as well as most, because I have a very original name. And I don’t mean to say that in a tone that makes me seem like I think that I’m better than you because of it, but I am…

Back to the battle of the K.C.’s: The way I reconciled that situation in my own head? Refuse to call K.C. Katie and continue calling her K.C. up to and including my last day of college. Everyone called her Katie. Everyone. Except for me. And if I were to ever see her again, I’d still call her K.C. and if she ever actually told me not to call her K.C.? I would flip out. And by flip out I mean I’d probably just be like “Nope, I prefer K.C.” But I really would rather not ever see K.C. again. Oh, and don’t worry, I just looked her up on Facebook to see what she’s up to these days and her Facebook name is listed as Katherine. I bet she goes by Katherine now.

My other experience with re-branding on the corporate level was changing all Court TV promos to say truTV instead of Court TV. If you know anything at all about my first job you know that this was not something I enjoyed. And when companies re-brand it’s as obnoxious as K.C. changing her name back to Katie unless you do a really phenomenal job. I mean, I'll excuse truTV because they weren't Court TV anymore. That just wasn't their programming half of the time so they had to do something about that. But I’m trying to think of a re-brand I can really get behind and I can’t. I’m embarrassed that SyFy thinks it’s like going to improve its viewership by changing the spelling of their name to something totally nonsensical because they think its cool. You won’t and it’s not.

And that… is how I feel about re-branding.

Thursday, August 6, 2009


I hate when people hate Entourage. Like seriously, get off your high horse and realize that Entourage, like any person or thing, is not perfect. Few things are. Watching Entourage is an exercise of love, loyalty and tolerance. Yes, there are some episodes that are sub par. Some that are even downright awful. But the good ones are really good and they make up for the bad. On Entourage, you’re not watching 5 characters, you’re watching 5 people.

Other than Jeremy Piven they were all more or less nobodies before Entourage. I mean, it’s not like I didn’t know Adrien Grenier from Drive Me Crazy, the tween film he co-starred in with Melissa Joan Hart, because I did. But the rest of society did not. And like it or not, those actors are type cast in those roles forever. Could you ever watch Turtle play anyone other than Turtle? No. It would be bizarre.

Could you watch E play a real estate broker who is obsessed with Scarlet Johanssen (ew) but ends up dating Drew Barrymore? Well, that depends on if you’ve seen He’s Just Not That Into You, but the answer is No, it’s awkward to see any of these guys out of their Entourage rolls. It’s just… wrong. He’s also in the opening scene of The Ugly Truth. He needs to accept that he is, always and forever, E. Stop running from the truth, Kevin Connolly.

One main problem with Entourage is exhibited perfectly in this sketch… you might know how I feel about online videos, but trust me, if you have ever seen Entourage, ever, this one is worth your while.

The entire series is like a Will They? Won’t They? relationship between Vince and “the biz”. And if The Office has taught us anything, it’s that the will they won’t they relationship is to be kept waiting in the wings, not to be solved (Jim and Pam? Aka Jam. Duh.)

After its first season, Entourage became pretty hit or miss. Some episodes are great, and others are just meh. For example, two weeks ago it was amazing and Ari said, “I’m proud of you” to E and it touched my heart. And last week it was awful and stupid. But you have to stick with it. Like any relationship, you have to take the bad with the good. Suck it up and stick it through. That’s what she said. Oh boo hoo, you don’t want to watch Jeremy Piven say essentially the same thing every single episode? Get over it. It’s funny. Watch it and enjoy it.

is more than just a show. It’s an institution. It’s a right of passage for young actresses. That show featured Leighton Meester when she was nothing. Nothing! It’s the modern-day version of Seinfeld in that aspect. Which is saying a lot, I know. I’m not trying to actually compare Entourage to Seinfeld. I’m not that crazy. But Seinfeld had Courtney Cox when she was nothing. It’s a talent to become a pass through for a certain group of actors. And Entourage has that talent. Except for the slunt dating E right now, that anorexic bitch has GOT to go and/or eat a meal. And she's not quite a nobody since she's been in both Fool's Gold (embarrassing) and Nick and Norah (impressive)I can’t find any pictures of her on google image from when she decided to completely stop eating, unfortunately.

Entourage also kind of invented Malin Akerman. You might know her now from... Oh I don't know, EVERY movie that's come out in the past two years. The Heartbreak Kid, 27 Dresses, The Proposal... Ok, so maybe like three movies. But that's totally legit. A mere 2 years ago she was just the third in the E and Sloan threesome. And by just a third I mean E wanted to dump Sloan for her. E would pull a stunt like that. What an annoying little ginger elf. Anyway, my point is that Entourage has made her into a star. I credit Entourage and Entourage alone.

In summary: Even though the plots repeat themselves episode after episode, half the time I’m not even watching to see what happens. I just want to see these guys hang out with each other and smoke pot, because that’s what the show is all about at it’s core anyway, and that’s what has made it as successful as it’s been over the past 5 seasons.

So hunker down this Sunday with a fat/phat bowl and enjoy Entourage: An American Institution.