So, if the government could just GET the kitchen, REARRANGE some things, we could CERTAINLY party with the Hate-ians.

Two nights ago I went to a meal and had some of the most absurdly bad service I have ever encountered.

Instead of yelping it I've decided to spew about it and my anger over America's tip policy.

As they say in the Sound of Music (which I've never seen in it's entirety because the end of the first VHS tape has them running from the Nazi's and I was always too scared to go on... I was also too scared to see the movie Twister until I was like 18... whatever) "LETS START FROM THE VERY BEGINNING!!!!!"

I got a blackboard eats coupon for this place Bombay Talkie, "Indian street food", whatever that means. But I had JUST been talking to a friend about how she loves Indian food and never has it so I decided to e-mail her and set a date to go. I made a reservation and everything, I wasn't fucking around. Reservation for 5 people. 8pm. Monday... The story continues...

One of the 5 calls in sick to dinner. It's ok. We forge on. Two of the now 4 arrive about 10 minutes early. Are seated and served some water. I would say they were not offered cocktails to start before the rest of the party arrived, but that is merely an assumption. But considering after I arrived it took approx 15+ minutes for any sort of wait staff to approach or table, I think it's a pretty safe assumption.

Then we had someone with allergies. So she asked our waitress, who was blonde and not really English speaking (in an Indian restaurant), if there was yeast or dairy in one of the dishes. Well, this woman did not understand the word yeast, so we had to spell it for her. And then she just basically didn't come back to the table to advise on what she found out in the kitchen re: the allergens and we had to ask her again.

Seriously, thank God that a. I was in good company (starring Dennis Quaid, Topher Grace and Scarlett Johansson?) and b. I wasn't that hungry... because the entire dinner ended up being over 2 hours. We put in our order and did not get our food for at least an hour.

The fact that in our society I still have to tip this person is just not OK, and it's a completely ridiculous aspect of America. Hanging with some Australians a few weeks ago I got a glimpse into how ridiculous outsiders think our tipping system is. And it really is.

So I'll be straight with you, I was no way no how giving this woman a 20% tip. It's one thing if it takes a long time to get your food. Waitresses aren't in control of EVERYTHING. But asking if we want more wine after we've been done with our first glass for 40 minutes is insanity. And you can at least check in once every 10 minutes to see if there's anything else we need instead of never doing that ever. Doing things like THAT is how you get a 20% tip.

Another thing that bothered me about this was that I had made a reservation. Like, if you're going to give poor service because you're too crowded (and it was crowded but not like insanely so) then do it to the people who showed up without giving you any warning. I told you we were coming. You better be fucking ready for us.

I've read Nickel and Dimed, I know that it's somewhere along the lines of humanly impossible to live on what you make being a waitress at most restaurants. But that doesn't mean you can go into work with complete disregard for your "trade" and still expect to take home full pay. It's ludicrous and I refuse to deal with bad service. And conversely, when I get good to great service I either leave extra money (if I'm in a restaurant or tip setting) or send e-mails praising people for their customer service. There are few things that make me feel better than an encounter with truly amazing (customer) service when I don't expect it.

We ended up giving like a 14% tip. If I was with people who weren't such good souls, I would have had no problem with leaving a 10% tip. And if I was with some foreigners (or anyone who would do it with me...), I would have gone straight 0% tip... And then ran out of the restaurant and continue running for at least 2 avenues.

And more than jazz, or musical theater, or morbid obesity, television is the true American art form.

So this is it. We're smack dab in the middle of it right now -- premiere week. Let me tell you how my week has gone so far and how it's going to proceed.

MONDAY:
2 full hours of CBS sitcom fun. Seriously, what a great way to start out this premiere week. First there was How I Met Your Mother, which is always good. Like, I have never seen a bad episode of that show... Ever. So HIMYM kicked it off nice and good and really got my Monday night off to a fantastic start.



Then there was Rules of Engagement. Some know this as David Spade's show, also in this cast is Patrick Warburton (Puddy from Seinfeld) and a few others. The season premiere featured Jamie Presley who gets duped into sleeping with David Spade.



I think the only aspect of this show I have a problem with is that David Spade is constantly pulling tail when he looks like David Spade. But his hair is shorter now so he looks less like a woman, so that's a step in the right direction. I don't even know why I'm bad mouthing him right now, I'm actually a huge fan... but that doesn't mean I'd sleep with him (Or does it...)

Then the second half of the evening was Two and a Half Men. Charlie Sheen was also sporting a new haircut that I was not impressed with. But he's on the show and not in jail so I guess he gets points for that. Two and a Half Men was good as always, and it's funny and strange to see Jake growing up.



Then there was the premiere of Mike & Molly, a new sitcom about a couple who meets in Overeaster Annonymous. This was actually super cute and really sitcom-ing in a 90s kind of way. The classic sitcom set up, vibe, jokes, the whole thing. I'll definitely continue watching.



TUESDAY:
GLEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!


So I think the people I talked to about Glee today are divided evently between those who were unimpressed and those who were obsessed. I fall into the obsessed category. The first song of the episode was Empire State of Mind, so after that, even though there was no where to go but down after such an AMAZING performance, the episode was still great, packed with the usual drama and some classic songs. I mean, with Telephone as the second song, I knew things would continue to be great. And as a Dream Girls hater the Dream Girls song that the little asian girl sang was AWESOME! I also like how they're working in the lesser known characters like Tina dating Mike Chang. Good stuff. Lea Michele's bangs look bad, but as always, her voice brings a tear to my eye.




Then after that I watched Running Wilde, the new Will Arnett and Keri Russell sitcom. Lets start out by saying if Will Arnett or Keri Russell is in anything I will watch it. So them in something together is really great. The show isn't THAT amazing yet, because with a first episode there's too much plot and background to explain but it was still good and funny. If Will Arnett's voice alone doesn't make you laugh outloud then you actually have no soul. The show is good and it's going to get better, especially since Mitchell Hurwitz is involved. In case you don't know Mitchell Hurwitz = Arrested Development. So... Done and done.



Here's what the rest of my week is looking like, in case you need any TV suggestions...

TONIGHT:
2 hour season premiere of Law & Order: SVU on NBC



On ABC there's The Middle on at 8, Better with You at 8:30, Modern Family at 9 and Cougar Town at 9:30.

Wow, that's intense right there. I wonder if I'm going to fit that all in toinght? Next Wednesday is the premiere of Law & Order: LA, which I'm suuuuper excited about.

The Middle is Patricia Heaton's show and I think it's extremely underrated. This show is fun for the whole family and I'm glad they brought it back for a second season even though I haven't really heard of anyone else watching it. Check it out!!!!



I read the pilot for Better With You a while ago and it was pretty good. I'm fairly certain this will immediately get added into my regular schedule. Here's the quick plot from IMDB, "Two sisters are at different stages in their respective relationships." So descriptive! Love it!



And seriously, I BEG OF YOU, give Cougar Town a chance. It started off rough last season but it became really great. It's fun and easy going and... fun. Seriously, take it for a test drive, I think you'll like it.




THURSDAY:
the usual NBC shows, which at this point are really just Community and 30 Rock. I might try and episode of The Office and see if I can repress the feeling of wants to brutally murder Steve Carrell every time he talks, but that's not looking good. Kind of excited for him to be off the show, but we'll see. For all you cheese balls out there Grey's and Private Practice is Thursday too. Unfortunately I have opted out of both of those shows since I don't like crying hysterically for hour long periods on the weekly. It's just too much.

Oh, and LAST Thursday was the premiere of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and The League. Sunny was exactly as it always is and exactly how it always should be. Hilariously awesome and tackling current events. I love when a show as ridiculous as Sunny manages to fit in social commentary. And they did. And it was gay marriage. And it was awesome.



The League... if you're a guy and you don't like The League then I have an issue with you. The season premiere wasn't that great, but every episode last season was like pee your pants hilarious. It's about a group of guys and their fantasy football league. As soomone who actually hates football and fantasy football I'm still able to watch it and really enjoy it. They do have some football stuff but it's mostly just funny goodness. I'm gunna make it real easy for you too, here's the link to the show on hulu http://www.hulu.com/the-league go to it, watch episode 1 of season 1. Enjoy.



Ugh. I'm so happy this time of year is here. I don't even know how I manage to work and live and be social and watch all of the TV that I watch. I'll probably get reaaaalll anti-social soon because I have hours of TV to watch nightly. Happy Premiere Week to all and to all a good night!

Why I don't break the rules.

Ok, I know it’s been a while. We all need a little summer vacation, am I right? But with the passage of Labor Day and summer officially drawing to a close, although you wouldn’t know it from looking at my face as it drips sweat in the subway… I've decided it's time.

I've been called a wuss, a pussy, a wimp, scaredy cat, all of those. And you know what? I am those things. Because when put into a situation where I would be called one of those names and I've submitted to the peer pressure, if you will, I've always gotten caught in the end and gotten in some sort of trouble... Lets review these instances and you can laugh at the kind of luck that a gal like me has. Luck combined with the fact that I can't act or lie, so if I ever do something against the rules it's written all over my face...

The first and only time I snuck into an R-rated move. Me and two friends tried to sneak into Something About Mary. What happened, you ask? A movie theater worker approached us, while we were siting in the theater, asked us to see our tickets, saw that they were Mask of Zorro instead of Something About Mary and asked us to leave. Disaster.

That's only the beginning. The one time I had a kegger at my house in high school somehow the cops showed up and "arrested" me. The good/pathetic part was that the keg wasn't even tapped because my guy friends are apparently idiots. I didn't get hand-cuffed, which does make it seem way less bad ass. But I got a ticket and had to go to court and my lawyer told me I was going to have to shave my head because of the lice situation in the Bridgeport jails and also get raped by other women. So there's that...

Then there's the time in high school my girlfriends and I decided to get drunk at my house during the super bowl (cause if you're a girl, the only point in watching the super bowl is to eat and get drunk of course... oh yeah, and watch commercials.) My parents came home bizarrely early from a super bowl party and walked into the family room as 6 of us were bottoms up on shots of Absolute. Whoops. My mom literally reacted like we were sitting in a circle tying each other off and shooting up heroin.

And also in high school I was the "designated driver" one weekend and my friends left a half finished case of beer in my trunk. First of all, my parents knew I wasn't a big drinker cause A. I've always been very open about that and B. I like vodka. So OBVIOUSLY as the case of 30 is in my trunk my dad decides it's the perfect time to switch out my tires for snow tires (you need all the help you can get in CT in the winter with a car originally purchased in 1985 that has rear wheel drive and one airbag). They found the beer and again, trouble for this girl.

First WEEK of college. We were drinking boxed wine in a dorm room (OBV!) and we left to go to a party, taking out solo cups with me. Within a group of 5 girls, somehow the RA only stopped me (everyone else managed to scatter and escpae, but somehow I get asked what's in my cup. Obviously I respond with "Cranberry juice" (it was red wine) and I get written up and have to go to take an alcohol awareness class my first month of college.

Then senior year my friends got drunk and stole a street sign and left it in my living room. I wasn't even out that night. But we ended up with a giant orange "Road Closed" sign in my living room for weeks. So the blinds were up one night and the campus cops saw it, came in and did a search of my entire apartment, which was actually riddled with illegal goods but luckily they were all hidden. But the cop literally picked up a salt shaker from the table and inspected it like he seriously thought I had a salt shaker full of cocaine. Like I know coke is a popular drug but really, guy? A salt shaker full of it? Do you have ANY idea how much that would cost? So somehow in this situation I got in some minor trouble for something I didn't even do and got really lucky he didn't find the real stuff. Cause that... would have been really bad.

Those are a few that stuck out in my mind. The big ones. Apparently mostly alcohol related... There are so many more insane instances like this -- me getting caught in white lies and other random scenarios that most people wouldn't think twice about. But I think all the big ones happened in high school because I've learned my lesson (kind of, but not really) and I try not to break the rules if I can avoid it.

Then, finally, a few weeks ago, I caught a break. I went with a friend to the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater for a live College Humor show. She had free tickets and as we walked by the obscenely long line outside the theater to pick up our tickets at the box office we were like "Eek! Hope we don't have to wait in that." So we asked the guy at the box office if we could just stay down there instead of going to the end of the line and he said he had to get in line.

I don't know what came over me, but I decided that we should sneak in. So we walked into the tiny theater that had just been cleared out from the previous show. On our way in someone asked us if we were on the VIP list and we just said yes and kept walking. Actually, my friend said yes and I stood there silently because I would have just said no and turned around and walked out to wait in the heinous line.

As I'm literally shaking with nerves and bewilderment that we hadn't gotten kicked out already, we walk to some chairs and what do you know... But there are four chairs taped off with my friend's last name on them! SCORE! We got sweet seats and didn't have to wait in line. FINALLY! So I wasn't really breaking the rules, since I was indeed on the list, but you get the gist.

On an unrelated note I'm exhausted today because I stayed up until 2 am last night watching Marley & Me and 500 Days of Summer last night. I don't know how this all happened, but I do know that it was my first time seeing Marley & Me and I don't think I've cried that hard since I saw Pearl Harbor in theaters. Shit was intense. Jennifer Anniston and Owen Wilson are an amazing looking couple of blondes.




On a related note I apologize to all my tens of faithful readers who I've deserted the past few months. This begins my attempt at trying to post on the semi-reg again.

Just Shut Up Already

Ok, so for someone who talks a lot (and loudly) I’m very familiar with the looks and general vibe of someone who wants you to just stop talking. Usually I’m aware of it and I just ignore it. But sometimes I will actually stop talking and try to stop annoying the person(s) I’m yelling stories at. And yes I realized that's a dangling preposition and no I don't care...

So this man who comes in to work to pay bills for my "company" once a week is just the worst. We sit in the same room for a few hours once a week and at some point he decides to tell me some sort of story that I don’t want to hear. I'm convinced he brainstorms what topic he's going to delve into each week.

I usually remain staring at my computer responding with phrases like “uh huh” and “yeah” until he’s done. And I don’t just stare at my computer, I actively partake in G-chat conversations while he’s talking to me. I also use his random burst of conversation to make myself seem really busy by shuffling papers and actually doing a little work. But he keeps on going until his story is done.

This week’s convo in particular stuck in my mind. I told him that I’m moving to California in a few weeks and he responded with tales of his own road trip to the wild wild west when he was in his early 20s. This man is probably in his 40s now and has a family and lives on Long Island. I’m pretty sure his wife is mentally unstable as she calls him at least once every time he’s in my office and he usually has to talk her off some sort of ledge and tell her to “calm down” 20 times.

Anyway, his story was about road tripping out west by himself and deciding if he was going to stay out there or come back. He said he kind of wishes he had stayed (surprise surprise, I have friends who graduated college a year ago who are more competent at accounting than you are). But then he told me a detailed account of going to Las Vegas alone and he literally used the words “ORIENTAL HOOKER” when talking about an apparently Asian prostitute who was hitting on him while he was gambling.

He also described a conversation that he, the dealer and the Oriental hooker had without saying any words. They all were just looking at each other and knew exactly what was going on. He declined said Oriental hookers advances (I don't remember if he did that with words or with his eyes...) and then got dealt a 21 and won some money and the dealer gave him a "you shoulda kept her around" look. And that was the story.

He literally had no clue that “Oriental” is a completely inappropriate word to say. And it’s not like we’re friends. Like if someone who I joke around with referred to an Asian person as an "Oriental" I would laugh because it would just sound strange coming out of the mouth of a 20-something and it would obviously be used in jest. But if you’re over 40 and saying “Oriental” you really are out of touch with the world. And PS, we were in a work place, yes it’s a man in an apartment but this is a job for both of us, we’re not out for drinks hanging and talking about the good old days.

So yeah… I'm not sure what the point of his story was. I guess it's good for him that he could reminisce about better days (back in an economy that rained Oriental hookers on us all!) but if anything it just disturbed me and made me want to get him out of my office that much sooner. But what if his story was about how he banged an oriental hooker in Vegas? I'm not sure if I would have more or less respect for him if that's how the story had gone... But I do know that I'm thoroughly grossed out either way.

HOLY. HILLS.

Last night really made my life. I will give a quick run down of the final moments of The Hills, just incase you live under a rock and missed it. As Kristin pulls away from Brody in a town car (to go to the airport to fly off to Europe) we focus in on Brody with the Hollywood Hills and the Hollywood sign in the background. Then the background shifts to the side and the camera pulls back to reveal that they’re on a set. The car that Kristin has just departed in pulls back around and she gets out of it and hugs Brody on a soundstage – the final image of The Hills.



Can I just say, when this happened, I screamed at the top of my lungs and cried. But that shouldn’t come as a big surprise because I do that like once an episode during most shows that I watch. The Natasha Bedingfield acoustic unwritten was and INCREDIBLE touch.

This whole reveal was a slap in the face, but also an amazing exercise in honesty. Yes, they’ve been tooling us around the whole time. Yes, they made it out to be a reality show when in actuality it was totally fake. But at least they admitted it. It was like they said, “Gotcha!” to us after pulling a practical joke that lasted 5 years and took up an inordinate amount of my time, energy and life. The only way I can really describe it was the The Hills anally raped my mind with awesomeness last night.


Let’s start with Audrina. Aud decides she’s going to move out to Hermosa to live on the beach. BORING. Maybe it’s because she has issues with goodbyes. But I do kind of respect her cutting ties. She didn’t want to go to Kristin’s goodbye party at risk of running into Justin. This is probably the first smart life decision Audrina has made on all 6 seasons of The Hills. People do change! Although I do miss the days when Audrina was watching Justin cheat on her every week and then going back to him by the end of the episode... And the days when Spencer was sending Audrina flowers while he was dating Heidi. What… a classy guy.

So now I’ll move on to Heidi and Spencer, who have been MIA for the last few episodes of The Hills. It’s just like in life when people just get way too crazy and you just need to pass them on to the professionals. That’s how I feel about Spencer and Heidi. You just get so tired after hearing so much crazy for so long that it loses its shock value and isn’t even interesting. I say good riddance.

Yes, that's a pic of H&S before even Heidi's very first round of surgeries. Sad...

Aaaaaaaand plastic-ed out.

If Heidi and Spencer somehow get their own show or something it will just be so stupid and ridiculous and awful. I think we should all just pretend like they don’t exist. ALTHOUGH, it was super sad on the after show when they played clips to Holly of Heidi from when she was normal. Poor Heidi. I mean I guess there’s one in every bunch that gets sucked into the Hollywood scene and thinks they need 25 plastic surgeries to look good. I think by now everything has settled in and looks less plastic, that stuff gets more natural with time. But still, kudos to Spencer for being an expert brainwasher. You have to admit, that’s kind of impressive. I would be surprised if Spencer was the head of some sort of suicide/crystal cult in 10 years… or now…

Then there's Brody Jenner. I don't even have anything to say about him other than that he's so my type it's not even funny. I mean I know he's everyone's type because he's ridiculously good looking. But the ways in which he's an asshole, are the kinds of guys I'm always attracted to. Except they don't look like that, which is unfortunate for both me and them. It's really impossible to look at Brody without getting silly in the pants. He's a dime if there ever was one. What's he going to do now? I'm dying to find out. Maybe he should just join the cast of Keeping up with the Kardashians and call it a day. It's a shame his weird competition Bromance show was so bad, because I could really use some more Brody in my life and on my TV... And in my bed...

Let’s also get this out the way… I just feel like I need to say it so you can really get where I’m coming from. I miss Lauren Conrad. I miss her every day. I love her so much I just wish we could hang out all day and be best friends for life. She’s so pretty and perfect and I know she doesn’t have a personality that makes you want to like her, but you just have to like her anyway. And on the after party she really looked the happiest that I’ve ever seen her. And I know her facial expressions well… Since half the show was composed of them. I see an engagement in the not-so-distant future for her and my boyfriend, Kyle Howard.

Kristin Cavallari. I mean I love her. She’s great. And with the “surprise” ending exposing the show as a fraud you kind of get that Kristin was just there to be a part of the show. She wasn’t really sharing her life with us. She was doing what the script told her to do. She was playing along. But the only thing I still don’t get, is how Kristin pulled off those tears out to lunch with Lo when she was crying over Brody last week. I mean, I would buy into the fact that all of that was fake, but I just don’t think she’s good enough of an actor. I also saw her on Chelsea Lately a few days ago and she like oddly tip-toed around Chelsea’s question asking if her and Brody hooked up. Basically telling us that it was all just for the show. Whatever, it kept me entertained.

And then there's Lo... The only one who actually seems real. And at this point, the only one still with us since the very beginning in Laguna Beach. The only thing I didn't like about Lo in this episode is that they somehow have swindled her boyfriend into being part of the show when before he was never on camera. And his whole love confession thing made me really uncomfortable. It was just so awkward and obviously fake/scripted. Which, yes, the whole show is, but I don't like when it actually seems that way, duh. And I also didn't like that she kept talking about how ready she was to settle down. Just because the show is ending doesn't mean your life has to come to a complete stop. You're 25... Calm down. I'm hoping that's something the producers wrote and not how she really feels. But I did go to her website when it launched yesterday... The Lo Down (clever!!!)

I don't think I care enough about Stephanie Pratt to write a full paragraph about her. She looks better since she stopped drinking. And her awkwardness with her new boyfriend was kind of funny and cute. Good times.

So in conclusion, Although The Hills is fake, it’s still pretty real. I mean that’s not our lives and that’s not what we do, but at the same time, isn’t it? The producers might manipulate the characters into certain situations that wouldn’t have happened otherwise, but those situations have a realness to them that we can all connect to and relate to on some level. Yeah, our weeks aren’t filled with weeknight bottle service outings and daily alfresco lunch dates, but the problems and issues that occur among a group of friends and non-friends, co-workers almost, are similar to issues that we all have, and for that… For that I am thankful.

PS I’m watching this final minute of The Hills on repeat and crying actual tears every single time. I can’t help it. It’s just too good. So many emotions. Oh what a journey it’s been.

Stop Being Such a Slut.

There are many things wrong with the sense of entitlement that kids these days have. It certainly came with the change in times. I quote my favorite show “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” to exemplify this phenomenon, “The kids aren't bopping anymore - they're banging each other and doing meth before grade school.”

Although that’s a little extreme, it’s true enough. Things are different now than they were just 10 years ago, when I was 15. Sometimes I think that my age group was the first to really make this transition into being completely inappropriate and slutty for our age. But the girls the age group below me (3-4 years younger) were a totally different breed of whore starting from early middle school.

It was like my grade opened the door to sluttiness and the younger girls ran right through it. As my mom liked to describe them, “Those girls will give you a blow job before they give you a handshake”.

So here’s my perspective. I’m going to again put partial blame for this on the girls (again). I’m going to put the another part of the blame on the parents. And of course the boys are to blame too.

In George Huguely’s case, he’s obviously had issues before. If he thought that it was OK to threaten a police officer to the point where she has to taser him, he has some pretty serious anger issues. And I’m going to assume that those anger issues existed long before he went to college. So here I blame his parents for not sending him to a shrink when he was in middle school to find out why he thought it was OK to go around the neighborhood strangling cats and lighting things on fire (I made that up, but I bet he did one, if not both, of those).

Something I’m surprised has not been brought up more since Yeardly Love’s murder is the SAT scandal of 2002. A group of Landon boys cheated on the SATs and got caught. This exemplifies the sense of entitlement more effectively than Yeardley Love's murder because cheating is a non-violent crime. These boys had no issue with breaking the rules to better their performance on a major test after their parents most likely spent thousands of dollars on tutors to prepare them for it. No one got hurt, they just thought so highly of themselves that they didn't have to follow the rules and they could get away with it.

Before I get all high and mighty I’m going to say I went to a high school where everyone cheated. There was an actual front-page article on the New York Times the year after I graduated that discussed the rampant cheating problem among children in wealthy towns. I cheated significantly less often than many people I know but to say I never cheated would be a bold-faced lie.

Maureen Dowd wrote an op-ed piece for the Times last week calling out Landon boys for having a draft-style game where they rated the incoming freshman girls. Maybe my school prepared me for this more than others. If there aren’t programs and forums for these kinds of things to be discussed before the middle schoolers enter high school then that’s just sad.

It’s time to accept that times are different and that stuff like this happens all the time. It’s going to keep happening if you don’t prepare the victims for it. We’ve already squashed the hazing problem in most schools -- it was done at my high school by the time I was a sophomore. For freshman volleyball initiation I had buy condoms and pregnancy tests at CVS and then read a poem to a senior football player. Gasp!

The fact that "all in good fun" stuff like that had to cease to exist because other girls thought it would be OK to make their freshman give blow jobs to carrots (the girls were blindfolded and did not think it was a carrot about to end their mouths) is unfortunate. But am I the only one with any spine? If someone blindfolded me and told me I was about to give my first blow job to God knows who at age 14 I would have said "hells no" and gotten the hell out of there. Is everyone really so desperate to be accepted??

The cheating, the slut-draft, and the drunk murder all have something in common – sense of entitlement. I could pretend like I know how to fix this. I know I see too many aspects of the world in a simple black and white and that I’m also totally jaded -- but Maureen Dowd and parents flipping out about this draft is weird to me. I don’t think the draft is a good thing, but if none of the girls went to this “opening day party” and slutted it up with the upperclassmen, then it wouldn’t be a big deal. And although Dowd’s article doesn’t go into that, I’m assuming that’s what happened.

And does anyone know guys (of all ages) are!? Are you aware if an older group of guys are inviting a younger group of girls to hang out that it’s not to play hop scotch and drink cream soda? Hop scotch is booze and sex and cream soda is semen. Stop being so naive.

My guy friends in high school used to do crap like this with the younger girls all the time. Invite younger girls over to a house and the girls would all end up performing some sort of striptease culminating in being naked in a hot tub. The guys continued to act like this through college and they continue to act like this now as 25-year-old young professionals. Everyone thinks this is OK because the fact that those girls are willing and able make it OK.

If the guys made a draft of hottest girls and none of those girls hook up with them, then who are the foolish ones -- the girls whose names are written on a piece of paper or the guys with blue balls and no girls to hang out with?

But there is always going to be at least 1 of the top 5 of girls on that list who has enough daddy issues to embrace being called hot enough to hook up with these losers. And that girl is the one who ruins it for everyone. The one who gives guys the idea that what they’re doing is OK. And the one who make sluttiness seem normal to the rest of the soon-to-be slutty girls.

I’m not taking the Tina Fey in Mean Girls stance, which is for girls to stop calling each other sluts and whores so that guys don’t think it’s ok to also do that. I think name calling is fine and all in good fun. I call for girls to actually stop being sluts and whores. And THAT is how to make a change. It would also probably help if politicians and professional athletes stopped cheating on their spouses and in their professions as well. But I don't see any of that happening anytime soon.

Where My Mother Fathers At?

I feel like I’m posting videos like every day. But when someone sends me a good vid, I feel it my social obligation to share it with you all (that's ya'll for the southern readers). And it also usually provides for a shorter post in which I’m not angrily ranting about something while sweating with anger as I punch away at my keyboard.

This video came to me a couple weeks back courtesy of my soon-to-be-30 lawyer friend down in the District of Hell... I mean... Columbia. That reminds me, I really need to write a post about why I hate DC so much.

This video inspired me to write about something more, something important, something I hold near and dear to my heart - my love of minivans.

I used to have the typical anti-minivan mindset that is so popular for many last-name-keeping forward-thinking ladies out there - that minivans are ugly and embarrassing. A symbol of our youth coming to an end. The death of cool.

But mostly just because they’re ugly and you would prefer to drive a tricked-out giant SUV that guzzles gas and pollutes the environment so your grandchildren will die coughing up a lung at the age of 16. That’s fine, that’s your choice. Al Gore and Tipper broke up so I don’t even know what to think about global warming anymore! That’s a joke, I’m still a greenie, somebody buy me a Prius!

But one summer in high school I drove with two friends to Boston for a John Mayer concert (yea we did). Because my car was straight out of 1988 my parents didn’t want me taking it on a long trip. So I took the family minivan, and… I fell in love.



And it wasn’t just any mini van. It was a Toyota Sienna minivan. The very minivan featured in the video above, which is awesome and hilarious. Young people want to be old and old people want to be young. Benjamin Button really knew what he was doing. Ugh, Brad Pitt on a sailboat. Swoon.

Anyway, I thought that video was great and wanted you all to see it and I thought it would also be a pertinent time to come out of the closet, if you will, as a minivan lover. I might have to get one before I’m married with kids, because they’re just that amazing. And let's be honest, "married with kids" is not too close on my horizon. Seriously though, you will not find a smoother ride than in a mini van.

One part of driving a SUV/van as opposed to a sedan, and this is for the ladies, is the space between the driver’s seat and the passenger’s seat. It’s the perfect place to put your bag and other random shit. This space, in a mini van, is absolutely colossal. You could house a family of 4 in the space between the driver’s seat and passenger’s seat.

Ok, that’s all from me. I hope you don’t think less of me when I’m driving a mini van before I turn 30…

PSFD - Post Season Finale Depression.

Ok, it hasn’t been easy for me. It really hasn’t. My Monday, Wednesday and Thursday shows are what keep me sane. What keep me happy. What keep me warm at night. But now they’re gone and I am sad.

Let me also say that I don’t watch dramas. I’m a student of the sitcom and it’s pretty much all I watch (aside from Law & Order), so I know that you’re probably crying about Lost being over but know that I am not going to cover that here…. Or anywhere…. Ever.

I will kick this off as the one week anniversary of the NBC Thursday shows that finaleed (I just made up that word) last week. If you haven’t watched yet, I advise you to stop reading here… aka SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!

Community

Can I just say… Wow. Community went from a really rocky start to being totally awesome. Maybe it’s because the characters grew on me or maybe it’s because when any group of misfits become a cohesive group of friends it’s fun to watch.

With the sexual tension between Jeff and Britta building since day one, it was really great to see Britta take a step out of her comfort zone and admit in front of everyone that she loves Jeff. I was kind of pissed when they didn’t address the fact that Jeff and Britta slept together in the episode after it happened, but it was worth the wait. And Slater came out of left field wanting to get back together with Jeff. Which was necessary to force Jeff to choose between them.



But THEN he decided to go for Annie instead… Which was pretty easy to see coming somewhere in the middle of the episode, but I don’t see it going anywhere next season. And if it does Britta will be PISSED, so it might be kinda fun.



Ahbed and Troy's friendship is amazing. The jokes about them being a couple are always funny. They are a serious comic duo. And also, Ahbed relates everything to movies and TV and essentially speaks in movie quotes half the time, so I feel like we're... one.

Parks & Rec

Always a pleasure. I mean how could guest starring Rob Lowe and Adam Scott not be totally awesome? And for more than one episode!? Yes, please!

I was not happy when Ben recommended that Leslie be fired in order to cut the Parks Department’s budget. I really thought those two had some sexual tension building and was sad to see that Ben would throw her under the bus like that. But he came around in the end and I still think they’re in love and meant to be.



I loved watching Ron have to stand up for Leslie, which of course he had to do because without Leslie he would actually have to do work. I also thought there was some sexual tension building between Leslie and Mark and was disappointed that we didn’t have another season finale with the two of them making out.

OMG OMG OMG ANDY AND APRIL ANDY AND APRIL!!!!!! This made my night/life. And of course they infused it with so much drama that it will easily run into next season (which will not start until January, grrrrrr!) First they admitted that they liked each other (I cried) and then April said she couldn’t be with him because she thinks he still has feelings for Anne.



THEN Andy gets hit by a car and has to go to the hospital. THEN while Anne is taking care of him as his nurse in the hospital she gets nostaligic and kisses him. THEN April comes back to tell him that she’s so sorry and that she does want to be with him. They kiss (I swoon/cry again). THEN he tells her how happy he is and that he doesn’t want to lie to her and that Anne just kissed him. And then April runs out of the room.

It’s kind of a cheesy and obvious way to dramatize the situation but I loved every second of it. I’m just really hoping the Jim-and-Pam effect doesn’t happen to April and Andy. But I have faith in them. I think they’ll be able to get around it.



And if you don't think Aziz Ansari is hilarious, then I don't like you.

30 Rock

Holy. 30 Rock. First of all, I screamed AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS in bed on Thursday night when Matt Damon appeared on my screen in a pilot’s uniform. "Yeah I'm a doorman... To the SKY!" Playing a character named Carroll (amazing) who Liz Lemon falls in love with at first sight. And he’s a TGS fan!!!! Perfection!!!!!



I’m VERY curious with what is going to happen to all of this season finale stuff next season… Kenneth got fired, Avery is preggers with Jack’s baby and he proposed to her, and Liz and Carroll decided to give it a shot. Two of these main plot points involve guest stars. So someone let me know if Lizzie Banks or Matt Damon has signed on to be in episodes for next season, because I don’t really see how this is going to work.

As far as 30 Rock season finales go, this one was pretty great. Not as amazing as the Midnight Train to Georgia finale a couple years back (I just looked for a video of that awesomeness but couldn’t find it. Damn you, NBC! Foiled again!)



I have to say that I really would have liked to get a Tina Fey – Matt Damon kiss on screen. Oh well. Maybe one day...

And I didn’t watch The Office finale because I don’t watch The Office, but I heard it was AWFUL.

Ok, that’s it. I don’t even know if I have the energy to recap my CBS Monday finale night from this week. So many feelings.

And that's what you missed... On GLEE!

Glee is amazing. Sorry, I have this whole post set up recapping the NBC Thursday finales from last week and now I can’t even fathom doing that. And this wasn’t even the finale. And I HAVE to bring to your attention the greatest song/performance to ever grace the airwaves.



First of all, Lea Michele’s voice, quite literally, brings tears to my eyes most times I hear it. And you know what? She’s weird and obnoxious and strange but her voice is ground breaking. Glee couldn’t exist as a show without her.

I have a friend who writes musicals and I remember talking to him a couple years back about what he was up to and what projects he was working on. One of them was some sort of musical sitcom/tv show. In my head I was like “good luck with that, the world is not ready for such a thing.” But we are… We really really are.



I say we’re not open to just any musical TV show. Like a show in the Dream Girls style where people just burst into song for no reason half the time would be a disaster. But I also have to admit that I hate Dream Girls despite my love for anything musical.

In order to break the norm and come out with something totally different it has to be beyond fantastic. Lea Michele’s voice is unlike anything I’ve ever heard. And you know what? It deserves to be heard by the masses. It should not be restricted to Broadway. It should be on a show that appeals to a bunch of people, on a show that is the first of it’s kind.



Now lets address some fears I have for Glee. Glee is different not only because it has music, but it’s also a hilarious comedy. And yes there's drama in there too, but there's a ton of comedy. And comedies typically don’t run for an hour. Glee does. It’s just so funny and amazing when they’re being funny that I’m scared the greatness just can’t last.

It’s not easy to be funny for 24 episodes of a full season on a half hour show. How Glee has managed to do it is really impressive. I mean, they did take a longer hiatus than other shows, leaving us at the beginning of December and not returning until April, whereas most shows return in January. So that did give them some time to get their shit together.



But yeah, we’ll see what happens. You don’t want to have to go for so long that you start making up ridiculous plot points, like Grey’s Anatomy fake pretending to kill a major character every week (I stopped watching like 2 years ago when they tried to kill Meredith). It’s insulting.

My only issue with Glee is I’m pretty sure Quinn should have given birth like months ago and they don’t even make her look pregnant. At all.

PS I have been listening to Poker Face by Lea Michele and Idina Menzel on repeat for the entire time I wrote this. Normal.

Dear Mark Zuckerberg...

Let’s talk about Facebook privacy settings for a hot second. I get that some people don’t want all their shit all over Facebook. And when I say “I get” I mean I understand that that is how some people feel but don’t understand why they feel that way at all. If that is how you feel then get the fuck off of Facebook and disappear from cyber space altogether, please.

It’s one thing to hide your shit while you’re looking for a new job or something. Or because you’re scared your boss is going to see you smoking crack or whatever the hell you’re so embarrassed about. Newsflash: If you're 21, you’re allowed to drink alcohol and get drunk while you're not at work. It’s not the end of the world. But if it is, then just un-tag inappropriate pictures or block your pictures from the people you work with. Fine. Do that if you have to do that. But if you’re on Facebook and you don’t have a wall and you don’t have tagged pictures then what the fuck do you think you’re doing? And don't even get me started on people who don't have profile pictures. Don't. Even. Get. Me. Started.

So this is what I need from Marky Mark Zucks- I need a privacy setting that blocks only those people (the ones without pictures and walls) from my pictures and wall. Because you know what? It’s a tit for tat world out there. And if you’re going to be a Facebook hermit than you shouldn’t be able to have the privileges of looking at other people’s Facebook info. The opposite of "I'll show you mine if you show me yours", if you will. You are a cyber Peeping Tom and it’s not OK. Real Peeping Toms get arrested. All you have is the internet. And you are a coward. COWARD I SAY!

I have to say that sometimes I think about deactivating from Facebook altogether. I miss the simpler time when you didn’t know what people you hate and tried to cut out of your life do every weekend… Or every second of every day. I mean I still successfully avoid it on Facebook by "hiding" them on my Newsfeed, but it’s still accessible and I don't like having that access.

And I’m not going to de-friend anyone. Because although I de-friend people in real life like it’s my job, I consider Facebook de-friending to be the most heinous of social faux-pas. Really the rudest thing you could ever do to someone. I'd rather someone call me a "cunt" to my face then de-friend me on Facebook. But hey, we all have different values.

That’s not even my main problem, though. Facebook takes out the surprises of the future. A college or high school reunions aren't going to be half as fun because you’re going to know most if not all of the good gossip beforehand. It’s similar to how I don’t love having e-mail access on my phone because now there’s no fun surprise when I log on to my e-mail on a computer. And that used to be exciting. Oh the fleeting memories of youth… Snail mail. Sigh.

But if I did deactivate from Facebook… What would I do all day? I don’t even like it but that’s because I’m on it so much. If I was actually busy and only had time to check Facebook once or twice a day, I think things would be way different. But I have no self control and I usually check it more than once an hour even though nothing at all has happened. That’s when I go into my own profile and admire my own beauty, like Narcissus before me. But sometimes I do like the info. Like the wedding pics and other info about people that I don't keep in touch with but don't actively hate. So... ya know, two sides to every story and all that.

But either way I’m an admitted addict. My name is Brady and I’m addicted to Facebook.

Flarhgunnstow

As I prepare to depart from work early on this gorgeous New York day to head down to Orlando to freaking 90 degree humidity (kill me) I thought I should share this with all of you.



I wish this is what I did at work all day... Actually, I think this is what I do at work all day.

Paul Rudd is always a good time. And when I say always I'm excluding "I Love You, Man" because that movie had huge potential and ended up sucking balls.

Pandora: Not just where the Na'vi people live

I thought we had a deal here… I thought you would play the same 20-30 songs on repeat on each station I create and I would pretend like I didn’t notice you can only find 20-30 songs with musical qualities similar to Cold War Kids (that’s the station I’ve been listening to the most lately. I highly recommend).

But no. You’ve led me on to believe we had this perfect relationship, and it’s not. You don’t want to be with me for more than 40 hours a month? How insulting. 40 hours a month? Do you know what I do all day? Nothing. Well, not nothing… But mostly nothing. And when I’m not doing nothing I’m doing something that I can listen to music while doing. And there is way more than 40 hours a month that I need your services.

40 hours is the normal amount that people work in a week, not a month. I’m just kinda sick of all of Pandora’s bullshit. They pride themselves on being commercial free… but there are still commercials. I mean, yeah, there are way way fewer commercials on Pandora than there are on normal radio. I’ll give them that. I’m not trying to take that away. But once every few songs there’s some stupid man talking about like buying tickets to Wicked or something else that I’m not interested in and highly annoyed by.

And all you need is $.99 for me to continue listening? How ridiculous. Don't spend it all in one place, Pandora.

And then Pandora tried to link to Facebook. Uh… NO THANK YOU! When I go in to see a new song is playing to find out the info so I can download it myself, the LAST thing I need to know is that Douchey McDoucherson “likes this artist”. What… a turnoff. Luckily I figured out how to disconnect from Facebook. Phew. Who knows what would have happened to my taste in music if I didn’t figure that one out.

And also, the alert that comes up saying that they don’t like playing to an empty room? That annoys me when I’m sitting there and it happens a bunch of times and I just want to be like YES. I’M RIGHT HERE. I AM IN THE ROOM. YOU ARE NOT PLAYING TO AN EMPTY ROOM. CALM DOWN. Or maybe it’s me who needs to calm down. Whatever.

If Pandora plays to an empty room, does it make a sound? They’re saying yes. I guess that solves the whole tree falling in the woods conundrum. Consider your mind blown.

Hm, what else can I gripe about? I guess I’ll just keep this short. My main point was that I had no idea that Pandora had any sort of limitations other than that you can’t push “next” more than 5 times in a row on the same station because of licensing restrictions. But I hope I’ve alerted you to this heinous injustice. And that together, we can make a change. Yes. We. Can.

P.S. As I wrote this… you can bet your ass I was listening to my newly created Phoenix station on Pandora the whole time. Whoopsies. Never said I wasn’t a hypocrite.

Oh Snap

Ok, if you know me at all you know that I'm not one for politics. But I have to say, I really did enjoy Obama's stab at comedy writing. His silliness makes him even more attractive. I'm not going to lie, there are more than a few jokes in there that I don't get at all because I have no idea who the people he's talking about are but I know he's making fun of them and I like it. And also, I don't follow politics... Or the news. This is the first I've heard of this "oil spill" in the gulf... I'm kidding of course (or am I?)

Is it just me or does Jay Leno look chubby? His large head is looking even more bulbous than usual. I heard that he bombed but I don't think it's that awful. Leno wasn't as good as Obama, but who is? Obama is superman. A black superman. Slash President...

Enjoy

Rest In Peace (Part 2)

And so I continue my tribute to Brittany Murphy...

There’s the movie Just Married. I… I can’t even begin to put into words my love for this movie. It is definitely in my top 5 RomComs. It was one of those movies that, in previews, looked absolutely awful and cheesy and stupid. I don’t even know how long after it went to DVD I actually saw it, but when I did I fell in love. Hard.

There are three movies in my life that I have watched 3 times within 72 hours of my first viewing. They are: St. Elmo’s Fire, The Royal Tenenbaums, and Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. I would put Just Married in the category of movie’s I’m surprised are not on that list, because I could watch it forever and ever and never get sick of it.

The on-screen chemistry between Ashton and BMurph in Just Married is OFF THE CHARTS. Maybe it's because at the time they were a couple in real life. Who knows. I'd venture to say I've never seen anything as good until last night when I saw An Education. Go watch that immediately. Peter Sarsgaard is ridiccccc. For the record, worst on-screen Chemistry goes to Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant in Notting Hill. Seriously pathetic for two people who usually rock the RomCom drama like total Pros.

Some of the lines I use from Just Married aren’t even Brittany Murphy lines, they’re Ashton Kutcher lines, but when I use them, I still have to say “RIP BMurph” because it’s just respectful. And I loooooove that her nick name is Pee Wee in that movie. I want my nick name to be PeeWee, but since there is nothing Pee Wee about me, that’s never going to happen. But one of my children will be nicknamed Pee Wee, I’ll tell you that much right now. I don't care if I have to marry a midget to make that dream become a reality.

Some fan favorites:

“Cheese and rice” – Because sometimes saying Jesus Christ just isn’t appropriate.



“Breathe through your mouth. Just do it. Just do it.” – Because sometimes you have to breathe through your mouth to have sex in a smelly airplane bathroom.



“BEAT IT STEW.” – referring to a flight attendant as stew while you’re having sex in an airplane bathroom is top notch.




“Bonjour! Merci!” – Because common words in languages that aren’t English are funny.



“Assbag” – That one’s Ashton, but it’s great.



“Those birds are psychotic” – Also Ashton. And I use it all the time because birds are psychotic and I hate them.

Then you have some classics like Girl Interrupted:

"Everyone likes to be alone when it comes out, I like to be alone when it goes in, to me the cafeteria is like being with 20 girls all at once taking a dump."

Uptown Girls:

"This sounds like the soundtrack to something you'd slit your wrists to"

"Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, sheets of Egyptian cot-ton." - She doesn't sing it, but it's an amazing song.

Don't Say A Word:

"I'lll never tellllll" - creepy/amazing/memorable.

8 Mile:

"So, I hear you're a real dope rapper."

While looking for stuff about BMurph on YouTube there are approx 100 video montages of her set to the song Breathe Me by Sia (which gained fame from being the closing song in the series final of Six Feet Under... Don't even get me started on that amazingness). And they're actually pretty good/touching. I also found this interview on David Letterman with her that I enjoyed:



Her laugh is the most endearing and genuine thing I’ve ever heard and it brings a tear to my eye. So genuine. I love her. RIP BMURPH.

Rest In Peace

Ok, so I have this thing where I hate when people get upset about celebrity deaths. You didn’t know the person, you weren’t even that big of a fan (although you pretend now like you were), and there are conceivably thousands of people that this death actually affects way more than you. So stop crying about Heath Ledger and get the fuck over it.

But finally, one has come that has changed my life. Has really shaken me to my very core. And I know you’re going to laugh, and I know if I were in your position, I might hate me for saying this… But… The celebrity death that has affected me most, in my lifetime, is the death of Brittany Murphy.



Brittany Murphy!? Seriously? There are earth quakes in China and Volcanic eruptions in Iceland and this is what you're writing about? That coke head? Yes. That crack head had so many good movies (exaggeration) and so many good lines in those movies (understatement), that I do some sort of shout out to her almost every day. Yes, I know the Michael Jackson fans might feel a similar way, but he touched little boys’ peepee’s, so get over it. You should have been mourning his disappearance from legitimacy long before his death.



The Brittany-Murphy-timeless-classic of a line that just inspired me / reminded me to FINALLY write this well-overdue post was from the following BBM convo:

J: But don’t you guys sporadically see one another?
Me: No.
J: And does the word sporadically owe all its purpose to Alicia Silverstone?
Me: Uh yeah and Brittany Murphy God rest her soul
J: I was JUST about to drop an RIP
J: U wiley hoe
Me: I RIP BMurph almost everyday
Me: This just inspired me to start a blog entry abt that that I’ve been meaning to write for months.
J: That’s wat I’m here for.

Indeed he is. And so it has begun. I’m not going to pretend like BMurph had some kind of illustrious and/or versatile actress. But I liked what she was in. And she always made me smile. Obviously, many of the often-used Brittany Murphy lines come from Clueless.



But it would be socially irresponsible of me to not go through the major Clueless gems, and I'm going to start off with my personal favorite...



Anytime anyone says Rollin with the Homies you HAVE to throw out an “RIP Brittany Murphy”. This happens a minimum of once every other week.



A few more Brittany Murphy classics from Clueless:

“You’re a virgin who can’t drive” – my friends said this to me every day of high school. I was, in fact, a virgin, but I was definitely the best driver out of all of them, so to that part, I took offense. They might have kept saying it to me when we were in college… And I might have still been a virgin. But still, an excellent driver.

“I’m outie” – Everyone says that in Clueless but I envision Tai saying it when I say it.

“And my buns: they don't feel nothin' like steel.” – hilar.

"I hope not sporadically!" – as referenced above

"You know, I don't care either way — just as long as his you-know-what isn't crooked.” – True that, Tai. True. That.

And also, out of respect, I throw out a “RIP Brittany Murphy” any time any Clueless quote is used, and let’s be real, that’s at least once a week if not more. PAR example, one of my favorites that reminds me of Brittany is that I use often is, "Cher, I have the picture you took in my locker," said by my numba one stunna Jeremy Sisto aka EL-ENNNNN. The picture he is referring to (for those who are clueless when it comes to Clueless) is of Brittany Murphy aka Tai with a flower in her hair. DUH!



Although those are the best of the best, the cream of the crop, there are more Brittany Murphy lines and shout-out worthy films. And in the interest of not boring you, I will put the rest of them up next week. And trust me, there are some great ones. So tune in ;)



And in other celebrity/BMurph/Clueless news I saw Mr. Hall from Clueless at dinner on Tuesday night. You're so jealous that I saw that sexy beast in person.