Monday, March 29, 2010

If any of us get laid tonight, it's because of Eric Bana in Munich.

Sometimes I have so much pride in my e-mails to my friends that I like to post them on my blog. This is one of those times. Happy Passover to all the Jews out there. I celebrated today by eating a bagel with lox for lunch. Yes, I know bagels are not Kosher for Passover, but it's not Passover until sundown, and also, I don't keep Kosher for Passover. And I basically only invited non-Jews to my Seder, which is less of a Seder and more of just... Dinner.

Subject: Ma nishtana ha-laila ha-zeh

For all you Goy on this email (that means non-Jew) I would like to formally invite you to a little Passover gathering at apt 818 next Wednesday, the 31st, for the THIRD night of Passover (not traditionally celebrated, but i'm a non-conformist). We will be doing little to zero religious observance and will be eating a lot to inappropriate amounts of food. I will be making my slow cooked BBQ briskit, that is sure to be life changing (no comments from you, dickie) along with many other delectable treats.

The meal will NOT be Kosher for Passover as I find religion in general to be repugnant and prefer to snub all traditions big and small unless they involve eating and drinking. Also because brickle tastes much better with saltines than the Passover abridged version made with Matzoah. OK, and I like singing too (hence the subject of this e-mail, which only the Jews understand). BYOH/Y (h=haggadah, y = yarmulke).

Anyhoo, call time is 7:30pm. Be there or be anti-semetic. But seriously, if you don't come, your first born will die and frogs will fall from the sky. So you betta watch your back. Please bring some sort of alcoholic beverage to consume. Seltzer will be provided (as always).

The chosen person has spoken,

Bloomar Shoshana (yes, that's my Hebrew name and yes it means blooming rose... "Brady" doesn't exactly translate.)

P.S. you weren't chosen for a reason.

Feeding people makes me happy. A Happy Pesach to all and to all a good night!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Excuse me sir, your balls are showing. Bumble bee tuna.

I’m going to tell you something that is very hypocritical about myself…

I’m very often the loudest person in a room. Especially if I’ve been drinking. Getting a “Shhh” from someone, is not out of the ordinary and neither is people cowering in corners and scrambling for the nearest set of noise-canceling headphones. But I do this in confined spaces with people I know well. I have a little crew that has monthly dinner parties and after each and every one of them I think “Why was I yelling the whole night? I have got to control myself”. But I never do.

Anyway, the reason this is strange for me is because, in public, if someone I’m with is loud or causes a scene I get extremely embarrassed and usually tell them to shut the fuck up and get super annoyed with them. At Madonna Yoga on Friday night (It was a night of normal yoga but instead of the soothing sounds of Enya it was all Madonna songs… It was… AWESOME). Two of my friends were talking to each other, before class started, at normal volume.

I know this is weird for someone who typically talks at ear piercing decibels, but when I’m in public, if someone I know is talking loud I alert them to this almost immediately (or get really awkward and whisper in response to them while my eyes dart around the room to see who's staring at us until they catch on). There are certain social norms I am annoyingly adamant about upholding. And one of them is loudness when sober in public arenas.

I leaned over to my friends at yoga and said “You are talking way too loudly for a yoga studio”. Usually I would have been ignored but luckily my roommate was there too and agreed with me. So they quieted down and I was happy. The rules of whispered speaking also apply for trains and nail salons. Those are two places that, if I pick up my phone, I will whisper and get off the phone ASAP instead of chit chatting like a total inconsiderate jack ass. NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Ok, so the point of that really long intro was to explain what happened to me last night. This is something that if I was sober and if it was one of my really good friends doing the "inappropriate act", I would have been seriously pissed and embarrassed. But because I was drunk I was hysterically laughing about this for a good half an hour straight, all the way from the comedy club, to the pizza place, to my bed.

Last night I went to a taping of Last Comic Standing with my friend Liz and three of her friends. We went because her boyfriend works in production for the show and is here from LA to shoot a 2-night showcase, technically the “quarter finals” of the competition at Gotham Comedy Club.

Don’t ask me how I don’t have a job in TV or Comedy with SWEET ASS connections like this. Whatever. I’m over it (I’m not). I also felt like a total bad ass because I had seen 4 of the 33 comics that performed before from my dabbling in the New York stand-up scene. So I kind of felt like I owned the place. No big deal.

Anyway, the staff and crew were really into telling us that we weren’t allowed to look at our cell phones the entire time and that we had to put them on silent and not even vibrate and they weren’t allowed to be on the table. I was fine with that. A break from looking at my Blackberry is really refreshing, and it usually only ever happens if I’m being forced for some reason.

So the show was nearing an end. We’d sat through 33 comics each doing 3 minute sets. We had been through 3 bottles of pinot grigio (and I had been through 2 glasses of ice, cause I take my white wine on the rocks, thank you very much). We had kind of weathered a storm together and it was finally starting to wind down. But what I did not see was that Liz was texting her boyfriend from inside her purse. I’m usually pretty good at noticing when people are looking at or checking their phones. And I really didn’t see her doing it at all.

Which is why I was totally confused when a man in a suit and tie who obviously worked for the comedy club came over to her and whispered something in her ear. I had no idea what he said. When he walked away we asked her what happened and she was like “That dick just told me if I didn’t stop texting he was going to throw me out”. And I was like, Whaaaaaaaaaat!? How am I totally oblivious to this going on!?

The thing is, if you're asking someone to stop something for the first time, just be nice about it and threaten them the second time. Also, it was ridiculous because the girl at the table next to us had her cell phone ring twice throughout the night. So whatever.

So a few minutes later I was leaning across the table asking her what exactly she was doing and she demonstrated the inside-the-purse text, a move I had also done a couple times that night and probably millions of times in my life.

But what we did not bank on was the same man, from across the room, spotting her doing it and yelling at her “WHAT DID I TELL YOU!?” and then Liz screaming back “THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS. I WASN’T EVEN DOING ANYTHING” and pulling a ziplock baggie of advil out of her bag immediately to demonstrate that she did not have her phone in her hand (which I’m pretty sure she did).

What happened next is kind of blurry because I was drunk, confused and laughing hysterically. But it was pretty much Liz yelling, “YOU KNOW WHAT? I’M OUT OF HERE. FUCK THIS. THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS.” And as she angrily grabbed her jacket off the back of her chair it slammed to the ground and she stormed out.

It. Was. Incredible. After my laughing subsided I realized how annoyed I would be if this was going on and I was sober. I would have been hideously embarrassed. My face would turn bright red and I’d probably scold my friend afterward. But this was just so great. I think I thanked her 20 times for making my night. So that… that was my manic Monday. Two thumbs up.

Other things I learned last night: Natasha Leggero doesn't eat food and is possibly 5 feet tall (but I still love her) and Greg Giraldo is really really attractive.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Can you hear me now? GOOD.

Ok, so if you’re not into watching TV, stop reading now. I’m not interested in you and you’re not interested in me. So lets stop playing this game of cat and mouse and just get over each other. Ok??? Ok.

This post is not about TV programming content, it’s about… wait for it… WAIT FOR IT…. Cable TV providers. WHAAAAAAT. Yeah, I done did it now. Everyone in NYC has some sort of horror story involving Time Warner Cable. It’s inevitable. Because Time Warner is the devil.

When I moved in August, I found out my new building was Verizon FiOS wired. We thought about making the switch but decided we would go with Time Warner because there was some $10 Time Warner bulk discount in our building (probably because of the FiOS presence, and/or the knowledge that all the Jews, seriously every door on my hall has a mezuzah, including mine, would definitely fall into this bargain trap… GUILTY!)

Then Time Warner totally fucked up our billing in the move and we just stopped paying them. We had to make a few "minimum" payments of varying amounts over the phone because they disconnected our service (true story) but they wouldn’t get the total of what we owed right. And getting on the phone is such a fucking pain. I think it got to the point where we’d rather just not have TV then talk to these assfucks on the phone.

Finally, one day while going over 6 months worth of Time Warner bills with the woman, we found that they had added a $300 charge between October and November for no reason at all. NOW do you get why we weren’t paying our bills? Don’t charge us late fees on money we don’t owe. Go fuck yourselves, Time Warner.

We had had enough. And we placed a call to Verizon FiOS to get the ball rolling. I’m not going to lie, it wasn’t the easiest thing in the world. Apparently my building doesn’t allow this sort of work to be done on the weekends, so I ended up having to take off a half day (that turned into a ¾ day) off in order to sit in my apartment while this really nice tall man installed our FiOS.

But he was really really nice and he spoke English with only the slightest of accents, so I was happy. And he looked Asian, so I was sure he knew what he was doing.

Now on to the meaty part of this post: The FiOS Review.

If you can get FiOS- fucking get that shit.

It freezes/skips a fraction of the frequency that Time Warner did. And when FiOS skips if you just push the magic button (to be explained in the next sentence) a few times, it will almost always fix itself.

The magic button… Oh the magic button.

Your goddamn right I made that.

When my roommate and I first discovered it on our Time Warner remote we just about died of happiness. I have ALWAYS been upset with the extreme inferiority of digital cable/DVR to Tivo. If you’ve ever had Tivo before, you know what I’m talking about. It is soooooo much better. And sooooo much more user friendly. When you Fast Forward on Tivo and then press play, it automatically jumps back 10 or 15 seconds because obviously when you’re Fast Forwarding at warp speeds you’re going to stop AFTER the place you actually want to stop. And Tivo remedies that for you.

Fucking digital cable, on the other hand, does not. So once you press play from your fast forward you are already 20 or so seconds into your show and then you have to slowly rewind to get back. But the magic button is a rewind jump back button (located above the rewind button) that you press once and it takes you back 10 or so seconds. Every time my roommate or I used the magic button we would comment on a. how amazing it was and b. how we wished there was a forward magic button.

Well low and behold, Verizon was listening. When we got our FiOS installed one of the first things I noticed was a jump forward button above the Fast Forward button. And not only that, you can adjust how much you jump forward or backward! I think the options are 30, 15 and 10. It was preset to 30, but that was way too much so I brought her down to 10.

Other cool FiOS features: When you “search” in the on demand section you can search for ANYTHING. And by that I mean if you start typing in an actor’s name, all movies that have that name in the description will pop up.

You can go on Twitter and Facebook on the TV, but I’ve yet to try that. My roommate’s boyfriend did it and tweeted the following tweets within 1 minute:

Tweeting from @spewnonsense new verizon FiOS setup. So sweet.

Tweeting from FiOS TV. Love it!

Getting my daily new fix.

Life is good.

Seinfeld – Best episode ever.

All I know is I wasn’t in town when this was happening and when I saw it on Twitter I nearly peed myself. What… a ridiculous human.

Also, to save our precious pennies in this recession we only got on DVR box (on Time Warner we had 3 – one for the living room and one for each of our bedrooms, duh). But Verizon has a thing where all the boxes are connected so we can both watch, in our bedrooms, anything that’s been recorded on the living room DVR. This system is not perfect and I’m not in love with it and I’m almost ready to make moves to change it. We record everything in HD which takes up more room, so the DVR really doesn’t hold a huge amount of stuff. Also, when you’re watching on a non-DVR box you don’t have the power to record and erase programs, which is annoying. So adding more than one DVR box to my set up is probably happening soonish.

All in all, I like FiOS. I'm less angry at my TV because of it. And I don't want to be angry at my TV, because I love my TV and everything it brings into my life. It's been there for me through thick and thin and I want to treat it with the love and respect it deserves.

Monday, March 15, 2010

My Boyfriends

Take a gander at my lover's appearance on SNL this weekend. I obviously didn't see it until today, because SNL sucks camel dick and I've totally stopped watching. But I'm glad I got to see this little gem. I'll take any dose of Jerry I can get. He's a drug and I'm addicted.

But why on earth has Jerry never hosted SNL? I get the feeling that they've asked them and he's turned them down. But I'm intrigued. And in love. Happy Monday.

Oh and here's a video of my other boyfriend. Yes, I call both of these people "my boyfriend" even though they are both married. Whatever. Get over it.

Facial. Hair. Sexual.

Oh, and sorry if you can't view either of these now because you're at work and you can't. Stop working someplace that sucks, that's my forte. Big up to @tt126 for having nothing to better to do with her time than send me videos that I will enjoy.

Friday, March 12, 2010

When I shop, the world gets better, and the world is better, but then it's not, and I need to do it again.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Seamlessweb is just the best. I hate speaking my delivery order over the phone because no one can ever understand me, especially if I’m using a credit card to pay and especially if I’m ordering from Asians (which I usually am). That’s just like asking to be screaming numbers into the phone for 10+ minutes and saying things like “No, not D as in Dog, B as in Boy” for every letter of your name and address. It’s just… horrible.

So yesterday I was really craving a Subway sandwich. I’ve been craving Subway for like 2 weeks now and have somehow managed not to get it. Sometimes I like to play games like that with myself. There is literally a Subway in the building I live in, so it’s not an issue of laziness. I’m just sort of toying with my own emotions just for shits and gigs. It’s fun. Or is it sick? Who knows.

Anyway, I was dead set on Subway for lunch yesterday and then I started trolling Seamless just for fun. Ya know, see what was on discount. See if there’s anything special that catches my eye. And it was snowing out (ok, I wrote this 2 weeks ago, get over it) so I was like maybe I should just get delivery (It’s not delivery, it’s DiGiorno.) And then I saw that Tossed was 20% off. And in a fit of spontaneity I ordered a Caesar salad with BBQ chicken. It’s not until a few minutes later that I realized this what I usually get at Just Salad (the few times that I’ve had it) and that Tossed is not, in fact, Just Salad .

So I’m like whatever, I’m sure it will be fine. How bad can a well-known salad chain fuck up a salad????

Answer: BAD.

Allow me to describe my order in detail:

The romaine lettuce was basically all white. And don’t get me wrong, I like some crunch in my lettuce. I like a lot of crunch in my lettuce, which is why I eat exclusively romaine. But get some green in there. Mix it up. Gimme some color. Make me feel like I’m not eating paper or some sort of root.

This stuff was all white/light green and nasty and I was surprised that it wasn’t actually slimy. Then the chicken…. Oh my god. I’m gagging just thinking about it. It was rubbery and gray and I legit would not have fed it to a starving Katrina rescue dog that hadn’t eaten since 2005. This was like made from the hormone-fed chickens that they keep in tiny cages so they grow extra big and with like three legs and two heads and shit. It was gross.

And the dressing. Who fucks up Caesar dressing!?!? I didn’t even know this was possible! It actually tasted like straight anchovies. I know there’s usually anchovy in Caesar dressing. I don’t have a problem with that. But it’s not supposed to taste like you just took 5 of those suckers out of the can and blended them together with a dash of sour cream in order to make dressing. Like… EW!

So first things first. I IMMEDIATELY e-mail Seamless upon receipt of my order because I had “ordered” extra dressing for an extra $.50 and it was nowhere to be found. Now, before you make me wear a big yellow star on the outside of my jacket, lemme explain to you my deep history with predicaments such as this...

As you know from past posts, I am a self-professed sauce monster. When a restaurant makes me pay extra for extra sauce, sometimes I get a little pissy. But if they do it right and I feel like my $.50-$1.00 was worth it, then I’m a happy camper. Yoshi Sushi on Ave A and St. Marks is awesome at this. They charge you but you get like a Tupperware (semi-exaggeration) full of thick delicious Teriyaki sauce for $1.00 and it’s glorious.

But if you’re going to make me pay ANY amount for extra sauce and then deny me of that sauce after I’ve already paid for it, you’re going to hear from me. Domino's has a history of doing this online with Ranch dressing. It's their only flaw.

I didn’t know if Seamless would respond or not. And to be honest, if they didn’t respond I would have just forgotten about this whole nightmare of a meal ASAP. If fact, I was trying to block it out of my mind as I was picking around for the three or so acceptable pieces of lettuce. And then, as I was preparing to throw some sort of tweenish temper tantrum, I receive an e-mail from Seamless saying that it was no problem and they removed the $.50 for extra dressing.

Well, I responded with a thank you and then let loose. In my head I was like, “I really hope Seamless doesn’t have to take this $10 salad hit. This is all Tossed’s fault. Tossed should pay!” But I essentially described to them my salad as I did here and they refunded my entire order. This just made me fall more in love with Seamless than I already was. They’re just so great and understanding. The whole experience was such a mixture of success and failure, I’ll really never forget it.

So in conclusions I would advise you to order via Seamlessweb (as I have advised before and will for days and years to come) and I also say NEVER EVER EVER order a salad from Tossed. EVERRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I be up in the gym just workin on my fitness

I’m not that picky. I swear I’m not. I take the subway a minimum of twice a day and I’m totally fine with it. I’m the farthest thing from a germaphobe that exists (feel free to come check out my apartment for confirmation). And I really don’t have the highest standards (I can show you pictures of guys I’ve had sex with). But, last night, my standards were pushed to the limits.

Last night I went to New York Sports Club on 14th st. between 5th and 6th Aves. And let me just say... Like the holocaust, Never again.

I bought a 2 week trial membership on Groupon, a nifty little website that e-mails me with fun discounts everyday. The other ones I have purchased are: 3 concerts at Carnegie Hall (So what? I like classical music. Big whoop!), a discounted meal at Johnny Rockets (if you offer me discounted burgers and fries, why would I not buy it?), a discounted meal at Maoz (dank falafels that I’ve yet to try) and today, actually, I purchased a discounted golf lessons at Chelsea Piers.

The NYSC coupon was $29 for 2 weeks including 3 personal training sessions. And I decided to activate it last night. First of all, when you walk into a gym, obviously it’s going to have some sort of distinct smell or odor. This one smelled like poor people… Sweaty poor people. With little to no air circulation.

I walk to the front counter and present my Groupon (soooo punny!) and I am referred to a guy… let’s call him “Mike”… because his name is actually Mike. So first off, Mike slips me a horrible dead-fish handshake. You’re a man working at a gym, squeeze my hand a little, let me know you’re in control of the situation (you’re not).

We go into his office so he can sign me up for my two weeks and try to coax me into joining for more than that (thank GOD I was able to resist). Then his computer freaked out or something and I think he got nervous and told me to just go work out and he’d leave my pass at the front desk and I could pick it up when I left.

So I start to walk around to give myself the grand tour, because Mike had forgotten to do so because of his awkward PC freak out (he caught up to me after I had walked around and explained where everything was, thanks Mike.)

Ok, this is weird, but I’m kind of particular about treadmills. I don’t know what it is, and I’m fully aware it’s all in my head, but I always have a much better work out on a LifeStyle treadmill and basically refuse to run on anything else. Well, there were none of those to be found.

I get on a treadmill and try to start it. It won’t start. The read-out says something weird about restarting the machine. I immediately become embarrassed because I am well aware that the people working out on the surrounding machines have probably seen 5+ people make this mistake since they’ve been working out. A common fail in any gym scene. Whatever, I got over it. I start looking around for another treadmill or elliptical or even stair master… None. There is a three person line for the cardio section. And there are more than a few open machines, but they’re all broken.

I don’t think I’ve ever been to a gym that has multiple broken machines. I mean, one or two, fine, I’ll let it slide. But if 1 out of every 5 cardio machines is not working, figure your fucking shit out. This is so beyond ridiculous I can’t even handle it. And yes, I was there at 6:30pm so it was the highest trafficked time of the day, but I haven’t waited on line for a treadmill since 2003 when the University of Richmond thought it was a good idea to provide 5 treadmills for a student body of 3,000.

I decided to kill some time by doing weights. After 10 or so minutes of that awkwardness I found a machine and got to it. Then when I was stretching and doing abs at the end of my work out, a man sat down near me on the mats that smelled of dirty dirty foreigner poverty and I almost gagged into my towel (which had the consistency of sand paper).

All in all, for someone who is trying to get back into exercising on the reg after taking a couple years off, this was not the most encouraging experience. But I obviously lied when I said "Never again", because I'm going back and using the shit out of the two weeks that I paid for. But after my two weeks is up I am taking myself to any other gym in Manhattan, where the world makes sense.