Sexual song. Even more sexual montage. Enjoy.

Thank you JP, for finding this amazing piece of internet cinema.

The Triple Header: A How-To Guide.

Christmas used to be my least favorite day to be a Jew. But I’ve managed to change my tune, and I think it is now my favorite day to be a Jew.



Usually Connecticut on Christmas, for a Jew, is really depressing. Not only is it typically bitter cold, but everyone I knew was like totally out of commission on Christmas Day and since obviously everything is closed on Christmas Day cabin fever slash depression tends to set on really quickly. Because of this, I almost always spend Christmas Day in Miami. But this year, after months of trying to plan when we would get to go to CT to check in on our favorite restaurants in my hometown, my roommate and I decided to go to CT for Christmas weekend, which we titled, “Westport Winter Wonderland Weekend”. Alliteration is fun, deal with it.

Obviously, if you know me at all, it goes without saying that there was a bunch of pot smoking going on this weekend. But I think for any Jew to really embrace his/her Jewy-ness, pot should really be smoked on Christmas. I’m not sure why, but it just feels right. Festive in our own way.

Ok, so the big and most important part of the weekend, was that we completed a triple header at the movie theater. Now, ordinarily, yes, a triple header is pretty bad ass. But at the movie theater we went to, this took some serious coordination and planning. There are only 6 theaters within and the bathroom is outside of the guy who collects the tickets. So if you’re leaving, and going back in with a movie ticket that is time stamped for 3+ hours ago, you’re going to get fucked in the ass (or politely asked to leave, whatever).

The only time I was ever asked to leave a movie theater (which was coincidentally this same theater) was when my friends and I tried to sneak into Something About Mary by buying tickets to The Legend of Zoro. They literally came into the movie theater and asked to look at our tickets and then told us to get out. I was and still am completely mortified.

Anyway, I wasn’t about to let this happen to me again. Fuck you, Christmas Day movie workers at the Bowtie (formerly Crown) Royale movie theater in Norwalk, CT. I will not let you ruin my Jewy Christmas day! So what I did, has multiple layers of sneakiness and general weirdness. I like to make these intricate plans because I am a pretty nervous person and also a really bad liar. So I take whatever precautions necessary to avoid a confrontation, especially one in which I might have to lie. So here it is…

I have broken down the art of the successful triple header into 3 easy steps:

Step 1: Wear a hat.

I don’t wear hats. Ever. If it’s really cold out I’ll wear some sort of fleece headband that covers the ears or earmuffs. But I don’t wear hats because I look semi-retarded in them. But, after taking a note from some of my favorite celebs, I realized that a plain old baseball cap really manages to hide the face. I like baseball caps but usually don’t wear them because I have an unusually large head so that most baseball caps end up popping up off of my head and looking completely ridiculous, unless they are deeper than the standard depth. But either way, the baseball cap hides my hair. I’m sorry, when you’re 5’10” with flaming red hair, it’s not that easy to fly under the radar.

When it came to choosing the most appropriate baseball cap for this endeavor, I ran into a few problems. All of the baseball caps I know and love were in my apartment in the city (not that I ever wear any of them). Any that may have been left behind in CT were not in an obvious enough place for me to find since I came up with this hat idea mere minutes before we left for the theater.

So I start sorting through the family collection of hats. My first choice was a Lacoste hat with a big L in front that everyone in my immediate family owns (L for Leifer!!!!). It’s shallow but almost fits right. But the only one in my house in CT was bright yellow. I’m trying to fly under the radar here, a bright yellow hat might be one of the few things that actually draws more attention than bright red hair. My next choice was bright/light pink. Again, too flashy. I then turned my attention to only black hats and I found a nice little Black Dog hat in my bedroom that I decided would do the trick.

My baseball cap ended up serving two purposes. One was to disguise me from ticket collector man, and the other was to disguise me from anyone in the greater Westport, CT area who might recognize me and engage me in conversation at the movie theater. A. I’m high and don’t want to talk to my friends’ parents, B. I’m high and don’t want to talk to my parents’ friends, and C. Leave me the fuck alone, I’m in the middle of an intense triple header here and I really need to concentrate.

Step 2: Change your appearance / Costume change.

I had to go to the bathroom twice during the 6+ hours I was at the movie theater. I decided the best way to go about this was to wear my hat one time, and to not wear my hat the other time. Also, I wore my jacket one time and not the other time. I also think I put my hair up for one of these high-risk bathroom adventures and left it down for the other. I think I took my glasses off one the times too. Don't be afraid to mix it up. Disguises are fun. Maybe even try out a new voice for your "Thank you!" as you walk by the ticket man.

Step 3: Bring snacks.

Buying popcorn at the movies is fine. It’s fresh and delicious and festive (even though when I saw Avatar last week I brought my own popcorn- more to come on that adveture). But if you want anything from the chocolate or gummy family, bring that shit yourself. I’m not paying $8 for Junior Mints when I can buy them from a fucking convenience store for less than $2. Sorry, those are just my principles. Sorry, I’m not sorry.

The snacks I brought with came mostly from a holiday basket that my dad left in our kitchen with a post-it that said, “Brady and Max, enjoy”. I also took some cookies, a bottle of water and a can of Fresca. The key is to pace yourself with the drinks. Going to the bathroom more than twice is really taking some unnecessary chances. When I went to the bathroom during the previews of the second movie I also bought a bag of popcorn, which made it look like I was just out to get some popcorn instead of being sneaky. Also, the bag of popcorn in your hands makes it nearly impossible for the ticket man to actually ask you to see your ticket. And then you also get to eat popcorn. It’s a win-win.

Am I a totally crazy spaz for putting this much time and effort into my triple header? I say yes and no. No- This is an intense time commitment and if you’re not going to do it right then you really shouldn’t attempt it at all. Go hard or go home. Yes- Stop acting like you’re trying to escape from prison, you’re at the movie theater.

And now we come to the one downfall of the triple header, which is sitting in movie theater seats for 6+ hours. Bowtie Royal was new in the 90s, but now it's pretty antiquated. None of the movie theaters I go to in CT are stadium style, and this presents a comfort problem. As I said before, I’m just about 5’10”. And my legs are long (not to toot my own horn). So this becomes an issue because I don’t fit well in movie seats. If there’s no one in front of me it works better, but if there is I’ve got nowhere to stretch.

I can’t have my knees stay bent for 2+ hours at a time. My butt is constantly falling asleep and I keep uncrossing and recrossing my legs and shifting around in my seat at least once every 10 minutes. It’s a disaster. But it also adds a physical component to the triple header, making it that much more hardcore. Especially since for the first two movies, we had to sit somewhere in the first 10 rows of seats. So I had to lean my head back the whole time and it was just very uncomfortable. But then, Nine was like way less than half full and we managed to get in a handicapped row in the dead middle of the theater that had leg room for days. Although it was much better than a cramped 6th row, my ass still slept for most of it.

So now... Now you know.

Christmas Day: The Hat Trick.

Ok, so I've been writing this post for a really long time and I came to the conclusion that no one is going to read a blog post that is 3 pages in Microsoft Word. So I'm breaking it down into two pieces. And it works better if the second half goes first. Please enjoy and comment :) Emoticons are gay, but I will use them til the day I die. Ride or die, bitches.

I usually don't like to make plans. Because when plans get broken it makes me sad. Like rules, sometimes plans were made to be broken. But not this one my friends... Not. This. One. My roommate and I had been planning to go to Connecticut, stay at my house, and accomplish the illusive triple header. That is, we pay for one movie ticket, and we see three movies.

At approximately 6:30 pm on Christmas night, the plan was officially completed successfully. That's right, this Jew spent more than 6 hours at the movie theater on Christmas Day followed up by a delicious Chinese food dinner. You will probably never in your life hear me praise Jesus again, but I really do thank him for letting me have this wonderful opportunity. I don't think I would have done it with out him, that crazy delusional Jew.

Tomorrow's post is about the experience I had at said triple header, but this one is content based. Some comments and concerns about the movies I saw, which, in the order I saw them, are: It's Complicated, Up In The Air, and Nine.

It’s Complicated.



Just as good, if not better, the second time around. Still hilarious. Still amazing. Still the perfect movie for the holiday season. If you don’t find this movie amusing you actually have no soul. It is the RomCom to end all RomComs. It is perfection. I am in love with it. The one thing I didn’t say about it in my “Sneak Peek review” was how much you will laugh out loud in It’s Complicated. If you’re not LOLing up a storm, you should really get yourself to a doctor because something is wrong with you. And also, that aspect sets it apart from RomComs like Something’s Gotta Give, which, although excellent, are not laugh-out-loud funny.



Up In The Air.


Lemme tell you a little story about my relationship with this movie. The first time I saw a preview I knew I wanted to see it. The reasons behind this were that George Clooney was in it… And… well, mostly that George Clooney was in it... And that it’s kind of a RomCom (more Rom than Com). And I saw in the trailer that at one point they are BBM-ing with each other. When I write a RomCom you can bet your ass there will be BBM conversations all over the place. Long live the BlackBerry. Fuck the iPhone (Sorry, sometimes/all the time I have random fits of anger towards the iPhone, you just witnessed one).

I wanted to see Up In The Air for, lets say, atleast a month and a half. Maybe more. Then in the past few weeks it got nominated for all these awards and people were freaking out about how good it is. At that point I obviously still wanted to see it and then got even more excited for it because it dawned on me that people other than me might actually like this film. And the verdict is: It’s really not that great. I liked it enough, but I really didn't like it. I got a little bored at parts. I kind of saw the twist coming. It’s a good twist but pretty obvious. It’s very Last Chance Harvey-ish. Older man who doesn’t really talk to his family meets someone and decides to try to change blah blah blah. I mean I’ll watch George Clooney for 2 hours any day of the week, but you might not feel the same way.



Nine.



Ok. I have some major issues with Nine. Aesthetically, it is an orgasm for the eyes. I know that when I see Nine again I will like it a lot better because I will focus less on the plot and more on how dazzling each and every frame is. Everything is Italian and beautiful and the sets are gorgeous and the actresses are all entrancing (minus Fergie) and dressed in cool/crazy costumes. The story line is OK. But, the songs are awful.

If you’re going to make a musical in this day and age, there’s really no room to fuck around. Your songs have to be awesome. Downloadable and awesome. You have to be Moulin Rouge to succeed as a musical film for adults. These songs were so stupid and not catchy, it is seriously embarrassing. The songs are uninteresting sentences, ineloquently written, strung together and sung to a unattractive tune. I think if the songs were half decent Nine could have been a serious success, if not at least critically acclaimed. But from what I understand, critics and audiences alike have been shitting all over Nine.

Talking about how bad the music was is really getting me worked up. Like, if you're not going to have good songs, why waste your time making a movie into a musical? It's retarded. A serious recipe for disaster and very poor planning on someone's part. Half of the songs were people just singing the name "Guido" over and over because that was the name of the main character. So. Stupid.

I really liked the overall concept though. It’s about a famous director who talks about how making a film and talking about a film is like killing a dream because nothing is going to be as good when you make it real life as you imagine it to be in your head. Like living up to the expectations that others have for you and that you have for yourself. It was weird because there were things that I really like and identified with in the movie but still couldn't enjoy it. Then it’s also about his tumultuous relationship with his new film, his wife, and his slew of mistresses.

Plot-wise it moves very slowly. But that’s my problem with movies that are so special mostly because of their visual aspects. I really didn’t like Marie Antoinette or the Royal Tenenbaums the first time I saw them because the actual plots are just not exciting . Now they are both definitely in my top ten favorites. The way I watch movies for the first time is that I'm excited to see what happenes next. Once you’ve seen it for the first time, you can stop revving yourself up about what is going to happen next and just kind of be in the moment and appreciate all the little things that make the film special and unique. Atleast, that’s how my mind operates.






So tune in later this week (possibly tomorrow, ha.) to read my tips on how to pull a successful triple header.

Sneak Peek: It's Complicated

Maybe you guys didn’t know, but I’m like really industry. I’m just getting invited to premieres and parties and shit everyday. It’s hard to keep up blogging when you’re basically the social epi-center of the Entertainment business. Oh wait, I’m not. At all.

Well, either way, I saw It’s Complicated (trailer embedded above) months ago even though it doesn’t come out until Christmas day. Do I consider myself way cooler than you because of this? Absolutely. But we won’t get into that now. We’ll just talk about how this was possibly the best RomCom I’ve ever seen (except for my number one favorite of all time, Keeping the Faith).

When I scored the invite to this exclusive social event (aka a mass e-mail to subscribers of movietickets.com) I was beyond excited. From the first second I heard about this movie I knew I was going to love it. But truth be told, I loved it even more than I thought I would. It comes from my favorite Dirctor, Nancy Meyers. You might know her from smash RomCom hits such as: The Parent Trap, What Women Want, Something’s Gotta Give and The Holiday. You might also know her from her writing which includes the previously mentioned films (except What Women Want) as well both Father of the Bride movies. She's an American treasure.

Nancy Meyers is like a fine wine, she gets better with age. With the four above directorial examples (listed chronologically) you can how they get better as they get closer to present day. What Women Want is really cheesy and strange but undeniably good. Something’s Gotta Give is about old people (which is right up my alley but less so for others) and The Holiday is…. The Holiday.

While re-watching The Holiday on TV the other weekend I came to the realization that I actually straight up HATE Cameron Diaz’s character in that movie. I don’t find her awkwardness endearing at all, I find it fake. Her facial expressions make me want to scream and she acts like a fucking child. I think it’s just some bad acting from her. I’d much rather watch her in What Happens In Vegas.

If you haven’t seen WHIV (which I would say out loud as “double u hiv”) you should get on that immediately. Because putting Ashton Kutcher in a RomCom means you’re ready to get down to business. Ok, back to Nancy (we’re really good friends, I just call her Nance sometimes.)

Another reason I knew I’d love It’s Complicated is because of the cast: Meryl Streep (I’ll get into that in a second), Alec Baldwin (swoon) and Steve Martin (awkward hilarity). And that is the cast that the film is being promoted for. But if you ask me I say there is a a name that’s missing from the billboards, and that name is John Krasinski.

John Krasinski oddly carries this film. And I don’t mean the film would have failed with out him, because it still would have been good. But he’s like way more involved than I assumed he would be and he is HILARIOUS throughout. I’m not surprised that he was so hilarious, but more surprised at how well he fit in with the cast of characters and how well Nancy Meyers wrote his for him. I've loved John Krasinski since episode one, season one of The Office. But I really think after this movie, everyone who sees it will love him too. Even though I've heard a story from a friend that' he's a dick in real life (the same friend who get me tickets to see It's Complicated, actually) I refuse to believe it.

It’s just that he’s the only really relatable character under the age of 50. In the movie Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin have two daughters and a son. The oldest daughter in engaged to John Krasinski and that’s how he fits in. If you don’t know the plot yet: Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin got divorced because Alec Baldwin left her for a younger woman. Then Meryl and Alec start things up again as Alec cheats on his young wife, played by Lake Bell. Meanwhile Meryl starts dating Steve Martin, who is the architect working with her on redesigning her house.

This next comment might come as a surprise, but I really don’t like Meryl Streep. She has an almost ScarJo effect on me. I love all of her movies but she herself really bothers me. Something about her voice or her intonation. I’m not sure. But she really rubs me the wrong way. But movies I love love love that she is in: Prime, Julie & Julia (watched it last night, no biggie), Adaptation, Mamma Mia!, Devil Wears Prada. You know, the classics.

The best thing about It’s Complicated, other than being in the Nancy Meyers world of visual perfection and cleanliness (I’m not sure how else to describe it), is that plot-wise this one really seems realistic. The problems are real. You, as the viewer don’t really know whose side you’re on. You are as confused as Meryl Streep is about the situation, and that makes the movie great. At one point during the movie, my friend turned to me and sighed and said, “Wow, this really is complicated” and then we burst into laughter and the rude queen next to us shushed us even though his cell phone rang during he movie. Whatever.

Nancy Meyers movies can sometimes get a little… lets say “out there”. The concept of What Women Want is ridiculous. Something’s Gotta Give is realistic enough. But The Holiday? When you think about it and they’re all dancing around together in the end, you’re like how is this exactly going to work? Neither of these couples live on the same continent as either of their significant others. And also, it’s just super cheesy and obvious in the end. But in It’s Complicated everything just seems real. It all makes sense. It’s just so good.

And also, if there is a scene in anything where people over the age of 50 are smoking pot, you bet your ass I’m going to think it’s hilarious. One of my favorite episodes of That 70’s Show is what Red, Kitty, Midge and Bob accidentally eat pot brownies. There’s nothing funnier than a high old person. Nothing.




The pot smoking scene in “It’s Complicated” is done so perfectly, I wish I was there smoking with them. First Meryl Streep and Steve Martin smoke together. Then they go to a party and Meryl smokes in a bathroom with Alec, and they got walked-in on by John Krasinksi, who then also smokes with them. And then hilarity ensues. Talk about high quality high jinx. Say high again. High.

So my recommendation is to see “It’s Complicated” this holiday season. If you don’t like it, I will put coal in your stocking.

Paul Newman's half Jewish, Goldie Hawn's half too. Put them together, what a fine lookin' Jew!

Ok, so first of all, lets discuss Jews with trees. That’s right, I say “Jews with trees” like you should know EXACTLY what I’m talking about. And you should. I’m talking about Jews who have Christmas trees in their homes/apartments/2nd homes, whatever.

I find this repugnant. It’s ridiculous enough that Christian people have Christmas trees in their home, since the tradition of a Christmas tree has little to zero religious significance (or so I’ve heard). Which, in a way, if I were to really think about it, the lacking of actual religious significance of the Christmas tree might make it more acceptable for Jews to have them. But still. It’s not.

Jews with trees are pathetic. Oh, you feel left out of a religious holiday so you just decide to join in with the fun? No. That’s sad and your parents probably told you to just do whatever the cool kids in school were doing and you’d be fine. Yeah, if someone else jumps off a bridge you totally should too. IDIOTS. If you want to celebrate Christmas, go do it with a Christian.

That’s something I don’t have a problem with. If your Christ-loving friend wants to have you over for eggnog and snuggling under the covers while you wait for the sound of reindeer hooves from above, that’s totally fine. You should do that. But creating a Christmas of your own is blasphemous and the Maccabees are spitting on you from the grave. Unless you do believe that Jesus is the lord and savior, in which case, get the hell out of Judaism, we don’t want you here.

But Hanukka. Oh, sweet Hanukkah. What is better than a holiday where you get presents 8 nights in a row? Answer: NOTHING! And the food? THE FOOD! First of all, I really should start eating latkes year round. You can really dip a latke in anything, which is one of the many reasons it’s so great: versatility, baby. But the main reason is that if you fry a potato you really can’t go wrong.

The traditional latke dips are applesauce and sour cream. I’ve never really gotten the applesauce thing, it has always kind of grossed me out. But I will do a dip or two in sour cream. Since childhood I’ve eaten my latkes with ketchup, because what is a latke if not a giant flattened French fry?

The downfall of Hanukkah? No Hanukkah music. I don’t really consider this a downfall although I think many of my Jesus-loving friends would. I mean we have the three Adam Sandler songs, and you know what? I’m OK with it. It totally goes with Hanukkah’s whole under-the-radar vibe. We’re not trying to shove it in your face (cough cough Christmas), we’re just trying to make a holiday where we get presents too, cause everyone needs presents…

I like Christmas music as much as the next guy. It’s fun, it gets you in the mood, whatever. But by the time Christmas actually rolls around I think most people (or just me?) are about ready to claw out their own eardrums at the very mentions of “Simply having a wonderful Christmastime”. I mean I love the *NSYNC Christmas music but after a month straight it gets to be a little much. I think to remedy this stores should play a mix of normal and Christmas music. Like make every OTHER song a Christmas song instead of Christmas songs around the clock. I’m asking for a little moderation here, people.

In conclusion: Drink your gin and tonica, and smoke your marijuanica.

I will eat a bowl of cherries and some ghost meat in his honor.

I can't deal with elevators anymore. I think the only place I'd rather be less than in an elevator is in a taxi. I have some really strange stories of things that taxi drivers have done while I've been the back seat. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Me doing inappropriate things in the back seat while they drive and pretend not to notice what’s going on? Well, not this girl. But we’ll save my trials and tribulations with taxi drivers for another day and focus on my elevator issues today.

My office building is actually an old rich people's apartment building. And these people take security so seriously it's bizarre. There is an elevator man in one of the elevators and the other elevator is controlled by the guy who works behind the front desk. You can’t hit any buttons in that elevator other than Lobby, he has to hit them from behind the desk. It’s like being trapped in a steal case of emotions.

I hate being in elevators with other people in general. It’s an awkward social situation and I’m just too awkward to handle it. Where do you look? Is it rude to keep your iPod on? Where do you stand? If you’re on the phone do you absolutely have to hang up? Is it rude to text? These are the things that race through my head when I’m in the elevator with a random person.

My issue at work is that usually I’m in the elevator with the elevator man. I’m sorry, I’m just not the kind of person who strikes up random conversations with people. I can’t talk nonsense at my friends for hours upon hours, but if you’re standing in an elevator with me I don’t know what to talk to you about.

The weather is an obvious choice. And although people make jabs about talking about the weather, it really is a conversation topic that I enjoy. I don’t know, maybe I was a meteorologist in a former life, but I always find it interesting enough. It’s always changing, so why not talk about it? Am I right?

But if you’re seeing someone in an elevator every day, you can’t talk about the weather every day, that’s insulting. The weather conversation can happen once a week, maximum, unless there is some seriously crazy extreme weather conditions going on. Like unless I’m Dorothy in the Wizard of OZ and a tornado has transported me to an alternate universe, weather should not be discussed more than once a week.

Other than that, I don’t know what to say. So usually it’s silent for 15-30 seconds. If I’m lucky there’s another person in there with us, in which case it’s more socially acceptable to just be silent. For guys this dead time is easy, because they usually talk about sports. But I could give two dicks about sports. I mean, it was exciting when the Yankees won but I didn’t bring it up with my elevator man.

I think that’s all I got. I’ll be funnier next time.

I just want to go home and watch that show about midgets and eat a block of cheese.

If you live in New York City, there is virtually zero chance that you have not seen this:



The ad for the Dunkin Donuts tuna sandwich is EVERYWHERE. Inside the subway, outside the subway, on buses, on telephone booths. Everywhere I look all I see is a gross fucking tuna sandwich on a bagel being pedaled by Dunkin Donuts.

First of all, it has 700 calories. Seriously, I discovered the nutritional information while I was searching for a pic.

Second of all, this is DISGUSTING. I have an issue with tuna. A huge issue with tuna. I think it’s gross. And I almost never eat it. I will only eat it if I prepare it for myself. Ordering tuna is something I have never done and something that I never will do. In trying to figure out why I am so vehemently against ordering tuna in any sort of venue, I remembered an occurrence that happened to me in Middle School.

My mom and I drove to Bagels & More one fateful morning when I was in the 6th grade. I ordered my regular, which at that point was Super Cinnamon & Raisin toasted with cream cheese (amazing). It wasn’t the first bite, nor the second, but at some point I bit into my bagel and had an odd taste in my mouth – tuna. It wasn’t like a full bite of tuna, but at some point someone must have switched the knives in the tuna and the cream cheese and there was an unmistakable and unwanted taste in my 12-year-old mouth at 8am that morning.

The worst part was that the taste wouldn’t go away. I spit out the tuna bite and then was obviously overcome by nausea (if you know me at all you know that that is a constant in my life) and confusion. I didn’t have a tooth brush with me, I was getting out of a minivan in front of Bedford Middle School late for homeroom with Miss Homscheid. I somehow found a Jolly Rancher in my teal LL Bean back pack (this just got way Middle Schooly) and used that to cleanse my palate.

So after some real soul searching and self-psychoanalyzing, I have decided that is why I hate tuna. Although, as I said, I will eat it if I make it myself. But now Dunkin Donuts has brought out a tuna sandwich. And they're advertising it EVERYTHING. And this is just not OK. I used to be obsessed with Dunkin Donuts, and although I still believe in their magical powers (if you haven’t had the wake up wrap or the iced tea, you are a fool) I just don’t go that much. I stopped drinking coffee. I stopped eating breakfast. I get my bagels from Lenny’s now. Whatever.



But now… Nowwwwwwww, I have the debilitating fear that if I ever order food from Dunkin Donuts it is going to be prepared with a utensil that has been cross contaminated with tuna. Ew. I was talking to a friend about this and they agreed, “I don’t want tuna anywhere near anything I would order at Dunkin Donuts”. Amen, sister.

And also, Dunkin Donuts, it’s about time for you to calm the fuck down. There is no way people are actually buying their non-breakfast food from Dunkin, is there? I mean, I think it’s weird that I’ve never tried one of their non-breakfast panini’s because I usually operate under the assumption that everything Dunkin Donuts touches turns to gold (that’s just science). And I also like experimenting with new and limited time only food. But for some reason, I was never up for wasting a full meal on a questionable panini or pizza from Dunkin.

I think if I knew someone that ordered a tuna sandwich from Dunkin Donuts I would have to stop being friends with them immediately. I just really cannot get into the mindset of anyone who would think that would socially acceptable.

Unable To Curb My Enthusiasm

I don’t know what you people think you’re doing with your lives, but when Curb airs an episode, not just of a reunion of the Seinfeld characters, but an actual episode of the Seinfeld reunion, you don’t watch a fucking football game instead. Oh wah wah wah, Manning vs. Brady. Yeah, I get it, they’re both really good looking, and if they’re going to be fumbling each others’ balls all night, I’d watch it too. Or even just to see their faces, because if you want to deny that those two aren’t extremely good looking, you’re out of your goddamn mind.

Anyway, as my trusty blog readers, most of you are not random fans, (but shout out to those who are!!!!) most of you are my friends and family. And most of you know that I have a borderline psychotic obsession with Jerry Seinfeld. And yes, he’s been on Curb numerous times already this season. But. But but but but but, this week was different. This week was a peek into the actual (albeit fake) Seinfeld reunion!!!!!!!



Does anyone know how big of a deal this is for me? I guess I didn’t really understand the gravity of the situation until I was a few minutes into the episode. But even as I was frantically texting my fellow Sein-o-files during the episode, no one seemed to be watching. The main culprit (other than one friend who decided to fall asleep at approx 8pm), you ask? Fucking football. And a few others who apparently just can’t seem to get their shit together to watch the airing of this episode, which occurred at 9pm, 10pm, 11pm and midnight on HBO. If HBO is replaying an episode on the night of its premiere 3 additional times, you should probably drop everything you’re doing and fucking watch that shit.



In this amazing and life-altering episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, we see the table read and then the beginnings of rehearsals for the “Seinfeld Reunion”. This is basically, an actual Seinfeld Reunion.

Let me fill you in on some plot lines, where we pick up with the gang a whopping 11 years after the series finale (SPOILER ALERT, I'M HOLDING NOTHIN BACK!):

Jerry has donated his sperm to Elaine and she now has a daughter and they argue whether or not she should know if Jerry is her biological father (she has been calling him Uncle Jerry).

George lost all of his money with Madoff and is divorced, but his wife managed to get her half of the money out of Madoff as soon as their divorce was final and because of this he is trying to get back together with her. George made a bunch of money because he made an iPhone application he that lets you know where the closest/nicest toilet is (amazing).

I forget what Kramer’s up to. I will have this info after I rewatch this episode multiple times this week... and for the rest of my life.

And of course, since all episodes of Seinfeld come full circle (including the entire series beginning and ending with the same conversation about button placement), this one begins with a conversation about George blowing his nose into a cloth napkin in a restaurant and ends with George about to blow his nose into a cloth napkin and a freeze frame on the gang reaching out to stop him and screaming “NOOOOO!”

All I can say is, I absolutely love the direction this is going in. The Seinfeld reunion seems to be the perfect blend of things that have happened on Curb (because obviously Larry David is inspired by things that happen in his own life) and new original plot ideas thought up by Jerry and Larry. At one point the two of them, in their office, have a ridiculously hilarious conversation and you can just visualize that this is how they write the show. Conversations just like that one. (I'll also figure out this specific conversation in my rewatch)

Then, to bring in more of real life occurrences, Michael Richards gets agitated with Leon, who happens to be standing with two other black people, for lying to him, and in a fit of rage he screams “If only there was a word I could use to make you as angry as I am right now!” (Richards' real life racist rant) I have to say, not only was Michael Richards a great sport about that, but you also get a glimpse into where he was coming from. Different people defended him after the incident (Jerry did on Letterman) but that didn’t do it justice. I totally get where Michael Richards was coming from now. I’m not saying it was right. I’m just saying it seems less crazy now, more contextual.

So many other ridiculous and hilarious things are going on in this episode outside of the Seinfeld Reunion that I can't even begin to go further into them.

But next week, ooooooooh next week. Next week is when we(I) hit it big. Next week is when they "film" the fake Seinfeld Reunion and Larry starts getting outlandish ideas about changing the episode and trying to convince everyone they're good ideas when no one likes them. A common conversation/argument in this episode (in addition to past episodes) is the conversation that the Seinfeld Series Finale was a failure. In an earlier episode this season, when the reunion is first posited to the actors, Jason Alexander says "I guess it will give us a chance to go out on a good note". It is going to be one amazing Sunday Funday.

So please get to your closest TV and watch Curb on demand ASAP!!!!

SNL is bad.

SNL, why are you so bad? No, seriously. I've always heard people say time and again that Lorne Michaels is a genius and the best producer anyone anywhere has ever had the privilege of working with but has that man lost all regard for comedy? I don't even understand how SNL is so bad because I really do love so many of the cast members. Alas, SNL is so bad that it makes me sad all day long... And all Saturday night long... Or more like all Sunday morning long when I usually watch it on DVR. Whatever.

First of all, I’ve decided to blame Simon Rich for this whole mess. That pissy little boy genius has totally rubbed me the wrong way (He is a writer on SNL and is 24-years old). Someone recommended his book to me, “Ant Farm” and I actually want to scream when I read it. It’s someone who thinks they are so witty that they don’t need to be funny. Maybe it’s just not my cup of tea, because as you can see from my own comedic prowess, I prefer a long-winded rambling story to laugh at, which is also executed in a way that makes me laugh. But this book is like soooo fucking arrogant I can't stand it.

It’s the kind of shit that when you read it, you can tell the person who’s writing it thinks they’re hilariously funny and is also smugly aware that you aren’t really getting it and it makes it that more funny to them. And that gives off the vibe that they think they’re better than you. Let me tell you somethin, Rich, I get it. I get every bit of it. And it’s a fucking obnoxious brand of humor that I want nothing to do with.

Alienating your audience because you're too high brow for the masses is not what Saturday Night Live is supposed to do. Keep that from the Harvard Lampoon (of which he was the president) where your audience is probably as obsessed with their own intelligence as you are with yours. Your intelligent audience is not sitting at home at 11:30pm on a Saturday night watching SNL. They might be reading, or out doing something intellectually stimulating… or drinking. Either way, SNL is seriously the wrong venue for the humor that only a select few understand. I’m not saying to dumb it down for the audience, because that’s ridiculous. I’m saying to stop being a fucking asshole.

Ant Farm is a total “bathroom book”. Every “entry” or chapter or whatever the fuck you want to call it is like 2 pages long. The book contains short “witty” stories, many of which are about Simon Rich being a child making more sense than all the adults around him. No one wants to hear you talk about how you’re smarter than everyone else. Seriously. No. One. Your book makes me want to claw my own eyes out.

However, if you’re looking for a book that has short witty amazing weird stories, I’ve got a great one for ya, it is “My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face” by Michael Ian Black. First of all, if you’re not watching Michael and Michael Have Issues on Comedy Central (which you’re definitely not since I know like 2 other people that actually watch this show) you’re a fool. This show is awesomely hilarious. And Michael Ian Black’s book is amazing. And as Sarah Silverman is quoted on the book jacket, “Fun to read while you’re pooping!”. It contains chapters with titles like ""Why I Used a Day-Glo Magic Marker to Color My Dick Yellow". I bet someone like Simon Rich would use the word "sophomoric" to describe that. Watta dick.

Ok, now back to SNL. Here’s one sketch that I actually really loved, that came about when SNL was pretty really bad back in either late 2006 or early 2007.



That makes me smile.

I think at that point literally no one was watching SNL. The Justin Timberlake episodes tend to draw people back in, and then a few epsidoes later they’re gone again because SNL has gone back to sucking hard by the next week. There is something magical about what Justin Timberlake does to SNL. It’s like Christopher Walkin or Alec Baldwin, every episode he’s on contains only sketches that actually make you piss yourself laughing. And I used to think the issue was that a couple years back they had literally zero women in their writers' room, something I observed while watching the Emmy’s. But now they do have women, and it still sucks. But when Justin Timberlake does an episode of SNL it somehow highlights the best characteristics of each of the cast members and showcases them in the funniest way possible.


Another issue I’m having is with NBC in general. NBC is sucking wind so hard these days and it’s embarrassing. I could walk into that programming department and get NBC back on top of the world in a week. And I could do it whilst drunk, stoned, and with both hands tied behind my back. I don’t know who these fucking old people are (one or all of the Jeff’s no doubt – Gaspin, Zucker, and I think there might be a third…) that are choosing just the stupidest shows ever to pick up and turn into series. NBC Thursday night rocks my socks, but none of those shows are even classic cheesy sitcoms. The classic sitcom (fake laughter included) is what NBC is truly missing. Take a page out of, oh I don't know, EVERY OTHER NETWORK'S BOOK, and get it done.

ER is gone so it’s been replaced by not one, but TWO new doctor shows? I saw a promo for Mercy the other day and it actually looks really good, but I’m sorry, medical dramas are a step away from soap operas at this point. They’re basically as close you can get to a soap opera after 4pm.

And I also saw a promo months ago on NBC that was like “America, we asked you what you wanted, and you said more comedy. So you’re getting more comedy! Jay Leno weeknights at 10!” THAT IS NOT WHAT ANYONE WANTS, NBC!!!! How retarded are you??? You basically birthed the sitcom. You aired freaking Seinfeld, Frasier, Will & Grace and Cheers. And when someone asks you for more comedy you add another talk show to your line up? Are you kidding me? Get your head out of your ass, NBC. Do what you were once better than anyone else in the world at doing for like 5 seconds and it will make you not suck anymore.

Wow, I just got really heated. Leifer out.

Hatred and Confusion

You're worth over a billion dollars and this is what your body looks like? Can't you at least afford the man you hire to live in your house and physically keep you away from your refrigerator? Because I've heard that works.

I'm sure it's not even that bad, but what stylist put her in this outfit? And who gave this picture the OK to be on the homepage of her magazine? I clicked on it to link to an article about Jay-Z, OK?? Apparaently Jay-Z opened up to Oprah about his relationship with Beyonce (which he never does) and when I tried to read about it on "O" magazine (gay) it brought me to a horrific picture of Oprah and asked me to sign up. No and no.

Another time, I will fully rant a fit of rage towards Oprah (because I hate her). But today, this is all ya get.

What's for lunch?

Attention residents of DC and New York: If you’re thinking about what to get for lunch today, think no further. I have the answer for you: Chop’t.



This is something I would recommend to anyone, any day of the week. I don’t know if you know this about me, but I have an uncanny ability to make perhaps the most delicious salads in the world. For the amount of love I have for salad, I should definitely weigh less. But maybe it’s because I really pack the calories into a salad in order to maximize it’s deliciosity. I just made that word up. And I’m loving it.

My love for Chop’t is nothing new. It's been going on for a few years now and it’s just as strong as it ever was, if not stronger. Chop’t recently introduced a new seasonal salad and dressing. And it is INSANITY! It is called the Mexican Caesar and it will make you want to wear a sombrero and move to Mexico… Or just make you want to order it thrice a week, as I do.



The key to this magical magical dressing is the color. It is the color of all good sauces and spreads, aka any shade of orange. I’m sorry, if you put an orange sauce or spread in front of me, I know by its shade that it is most likely going to be incredibly delicious. And the Mexican Caesar is no exception. My usual dressings at Chop’t are Tex-Mex Ranch (light orange) and/or Sweet & Smokey Chipotle Vinaigrette (orange). But since this beauty hit my lips, I have thrown caution to the wind and ordered the shit out of it.

Am I drawn to these sauces because of my fiery orange hair? Definite possibility. Or maybe it’s just because they have never let me down. Gotta love a sure thing.



The ingredients of the Mexican Caesar are: Romaine lettuce (aka the only kind of lettuce you should ever get, unless you’re disgusting/foolish/foreign), jalapeños (for a little/lot kick), tortilla strips (gotta have a crunch!), cotija cheese (THE MOST MAGICAL CHEESE IN THE WORLD! I like to describe it as a Mexican/creamier version of parmesan) and maybe corn (queeter), plus whatever meat you want. Since I’m a bad ass I get it “naked” aka without meat. And when I say bad ass I mean a cheapo who prefers just not eating meat if it's going to save me $2.50 on an already pricey salad. And because I like to think no meat decreases the calorie count... Because it does. That's just math. But I actually only got this salad once and then started getting my regular salad or wrap and going crizazy with the Mexican Caesar on it. Tangy and dee-lish.



Whatever you put in your salad, I highly recommend you take Mexican Caesar dressing for a test drive. And please let me know how it goes. Or just praise me for being the sauciest sauce monster on this earth.

Chop't Menu

Also available in many locations via Seamlessweb

Shit I made the Yankee hat more famous than a Yankee can.

Truth be told, I didn't know the World Series was going on right now until 5 minutes ago. Seriously. I knew the Yankees were doing well and that there was something going on with the Phillies but I had no clue it was the World Series. I'm a pretty much fair-weather fan, but that's just because unless the stakes are high, I don't enjoy watching sports. And if the Yankees are in the World Series you bet your ass I will be watching the remaining games. Anyway, I just wanted to post this video because it's ridiculously amazing and I cried (true story) and got goose bumps all over my body when I watched it. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

Sorry Boo, Strike Two

Can we talk about The Hills for a second? I’ve been dying to talk about The Hills all day. The Hills. Is. Awesome.

Warning: If you don't watch The Hills, you are not going to understand any of this insanely long ramble. And also, I don't like you.

Ok, the season opened weak. It’s a point I will concede, easily. But what The Hills came back with after that weak season opener, really just blew my socks off. I understand why people stopped watching after the first episode, but everyone's allowed to have an off episode. Give it another chance! My roommate stopped after the first episode. And The Hills was like one of our things. We have more than a few of those… But every Monday at 10pm we sat in front of the TV and sang the entire “Feel the Rain on Your Skin!” song together as the show begun. It was glorious.

So word around the water cooler (aka Gchat since I work alone) is that The Hills viewership is down by a third this season. And you know what? That’s ridiculous. As much as I love Lauren Conrad, more than almost everyone in the world probably, I am also willing to admit that she is a wet blanket. I don’t know why I’m so in love with her, maybe it’s because she’s perfect in every way other than her personality, but I always have been and always will be team Conrad.

That being said, Kristin Cavallari is awesome. She doesn’t give a SHIT. I mean it’s totally different than Lauren Conrad. And I guess that’s what most people’s problem is, which is strange because I didn’t think anyone else liked her…




Kristin made Justin-Bobby come to life. I don't know how it happened, but like all of a sudden Justin-Bobby talks and is animated. It's great! It makes him even more of a sexual deviant than he already was. Because I don't care how bizarre he his, he's still hot.



And Apparently Staci the bartender is a cast member now? I looooove slash hate how The Hills just adds characters at random and we're expected to just accept them as part of the crew now. I guess that's how things go in fake reality TV.

Kristin talks in interviews about how she will do whatever the producers tell her. She lies to no one. Her life is an open book, just like mine. I think we’re kindred spirits. Maybe even sisters. If someone asks her if the show is fake she just talks about how ridiculously fake it is. But you have to respect her for that. She literally told the LA Times: "It's just so...fake. There's no truth to it. At all."

If Audrina wants to still pretend like the show is real when it is like SOOOOOO obviously the fakest most scripted thing everrrrrrrr then I feel like she’s insulting my intelligence. And if there is one person who shouldn’t be insulting anyone’s intelligence, on this earth, it is Audrina Patridge.

At one point, last season, Audrina lightened her hair considerably and somehow became like 100 times prettier.
I really don't know how the perfect shade of brown (which is now almost blonde) can change someone’s general appearance so much. But it really is the perfect shade of brown. My hair color is one of my favorite aspects about myself but I think if I could get that color I might just go for it. It's insane.





Even though her body was crazy before and still is, she just wasn't that great in my eyes. But now she is good to go. Except for her extra large back of the neck tatoo. Get a life, loser.



And PS KCavs looks sooooo much better with less make up. It's insanity. Literally, they put too much make up on her sometimes and it just doesn't look right. She's just so cool. I love everything about her.



Although the conversation Kristin had with her dad on last week's episode was really awkward. First of all, he lives in a Conrad-style mansion now. When they were filming Laguna Beach he basically lived in a trailer. Ok, that's an exaggeration, but he lived in a teeny tiny house and now he has this crazy water-front property. Someone address this please. Does MTV just rent a house to film at? Does he live there? I want to know!!!!! I mean at the end of Laguna he bought Kristin an X5, there's no way MTV didn't pay for some or all of that bad boy. No. Way.

I don't know what the fuck Heidi and Spencer are supposed to do with themselves now that there is no drama between them and Lauren, because I think that was like half of their personalities. Now, every episode is Heidi babysitting for Enzo and Spencer coming home and talking to an 8 year old as if he is a moron instead of a child. The whole thing is so retarded I want to scream. Heidi and Spencer are so irrelevant at this point it's a joke. Waste of my time. I don't even like hating them anymore. I used to have that. But now I want nothing to do with them.

The big thing they're involved in now is solving Holly's drinking problem. WHOA, HOW HAVE I NOT TALKED ABOUT STEPHANIE PRATT YET!?!?!? I just blacked in the fact that she existed and that she has a RAGING eating disorder this season. I borrow a phrase from Tina Fey when I say, "What the what?"



Stephanie Pratt's face looks as though it has been molded from plastic and then was left out in the scorching sun for days. Her face looks melted and bizarre. Her lips aren't even on her face half the time, she's a total Salvador Dali meets Picasso. I don't know what is where and nothing is in its correct form.

I can't seem to find a picture of her that really shows this new face that looks like it has been butchered like a plastic surgeon, but you should watch the show to see it in action. It's also how she acts. She was always a moron, but I think the plastic surgery and lack of food intake has pushed her over the edge. She is like totally spaced out all the time and nothing she says makes any sense. It's kind of hilariously awesome. She's probably on Meth again, no biggie.



I would like to encourage everyone that abandoned The Hills to come back. It’s fun over here. I could talk about these people for hours. It never ceases to amuse me and make my Tuesday nights infinitely better (what was up with the change in days, btw?).

I don’t see The Hills coming to an end because of this dramatic loss in viewers, because it’s still MTV’s second-highest-rated show and also number one in it’s time slot in all of television. So eliminating it all together would be a poor choice.

But if Kristin leaves, there could be problems, and by problems I mean I will definitely stop watching. That’s how Laguna stopped being good, that’s for sure.

And the question remains, when will I get Lauren Conrad back in my life!? I bought her book the day it came out… I mean, I pre-ordered it on Amazon and they sent it to me right away. And I read it in three days. I’m not even kidding. It was horrible but I loved every word. I can’t even wait for another book, show or movie. I want it now!!!!



Most sexual couple everrrrrr!!!!!!

Wow, Kyle Howard with facial hair? I will absolutely do it.

When I was younger I hated hated hated facial hair. It scared me a little, but I also just didn't find it attractive at all and it boggled my mind why any man would want to look like that. Well, someone has changed my mind about this. I used to think it was someone I knew who turned me on to facial hair. But then I realized I first became enamored with facial hair from the one and only, Jeremy Sisto. Of Clueless, 6 Feet Under and Law & Order fame. It happened just over a year ago with his premiere on Law & Order. He has changed me, and for that, I thank him... And keep him as my "religious views" on my Facebook profile.

Worst "Scandal" Ever.

Ok, so am I the only person in the world who thinks this whole David Letterman thing has been blown WAY out of proportion? Maybe I am missing something here, and seriously, stop me if I’m wrong, but as I understand it, he had a relationship (SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP!!!) with someone who worked beneath him (pun intended) on his show. He was not married, but was in a relationship with the woman who he is now married to. Breaking it down: He fucked someone who worked for him.

Well, if that is actually what happened, everyone who has been talking about this for weeks should probably kill themselves. This is life people, I might work in an apartment with a senior citizen now, but there was a time where I worked in an office, with actual other people, with actual sexual beings. And I also talk to friends who currently work in an office with other people (and again, sexual beings). Newsflash: most offices are a fucking cesspool of intercourse.

Before I launch into an oddly defensive defense of David Letterman’s actions, let me say I don’t like David Letterman and his comedy at all. After the first time I saw Norm MacDonald imitate him I decided I could never watch him again, because all of the Dave-isms Norm MacDonald mocked were so accurately annoying that they drove me crazy. Most notably the fact that Dave repeats the same joke/phrase 20+ times throughout any episode of his show.



But, on we go.

Do I think it’s right he cheated on his girlfriend (current wife, but girlfriend at the time of this incident)? NO! Of course not. I think cheating is deplorable and almost look forward to the day someone cheats on me so that I can go absolutely ape-shit crazy on that asshole and probably end up scratching his eyes out. Ok, that’s a little extreme (not the ape-shit crazy part, but the looking forward to someone cheating part)and a lie. Being cheated on has got to be one of the worst feelings in the world.

BUT, do I think that people who are Letterman fans should turn around and say “I’m not watching his show anymore”? No. Get over yourself. The man abused his power. Who doesn’t abuse power when they have it? If I had my own company and a bunch of hot young guys working under me ready to fuck, I’d definitely go for it too (so long as I’m single).

So like, I’m really not sure what the big deal is (since I don’t follow the news) and what aspect of this people are so offended by. Is it the boss having sex with an intern thing? Because there’s a whole show based on that concept, and it’s called Grey’s Anatomy. And if that is what the problem is, get over it and welcome to the real world.

If you think I haven’t had a job where my boss was hooking up with / dating my co-worker, think again. In addition to that, my current boss is now married to someone who used to work for him. So I have yet to hold a job where this issue has not come up. That aspect of this whole thing is so far from a big deal and so commonplace, it’s laughable.

As an intern I had whimsical fantasies about hooking up with some hot reporter/news anchor/show host (I had more than a few in mind). I would have been totally down if I had been approached by one of the men that I was actually interested in (all of whom were approximately 1 million times better looking than David Letterman). That really would have been the way to get the most out of my internship experience.What female intern doesn’t want to hook up with a hot older guy? I have definitely said the words “I want to be the next Monica Lewinsky” many many times in my life. Sometimes the words “skinnier and prettier” are thrown in there too. Don’t worry about it, we’re both Jews.

It definitely would have been an easier task to finagle if my actual intern supervisor was a hot guy. But it was an obscenely overweight woman who’s parting advice to her four interns was to drop out of college should any job in the TV industry come their way. Really stellar advice.

Now I’m just mad at myself for talking about this topic when I’m really annoyed that the rest of the world has decided to keep talking about it. I decided to finally find out what actually happened yesterday because I thought I was missing something here, that he did something so terribly awful that it merited the whole world talking about it for weeks on end. FALSE.

I do like how he handled the situation and broke it down on National Television. Definitely commendable.



But I have to say that the most surprising thing about this is that someone actually willingly had sex with David Letterman. And that is coming from someone (me!) who is constantly/consistently attracted to people who are not even sort of good looking. What. A goon.

Sometimes I Rant Slow, Sometimes I Rant Quick

Now I will briefly touch on a sitcom I boycotted, came back to because everyone was talking it up, and am boycotting again: The Big Bang Theory.



Is this show for real? I know that people hate shows like 2 And A Half Men because they’re hacky and cheesy and obvious, but I still think it’s good. You can’t watch that show and not laugh. And if you can, you have no soul. But how did The Big Bang Theory become a success? Let me tell you a little story with my relationship with this show.

I either watched the pilot or an episode early on in the first season, obviously, because if CBS puts something on Comedy Mondays, I’m not going to ignore it, that would be sacrilege. So I was like “Oh, this show is pretty obnoxious, not into it.” And didn’t watch it again, which is kind of a big deal for me. I don’t think you understand how much crap I will watch when it comes to TV and film and be totally fine with it. If a show is too bad for me to watch, it’s really fucking bad.

PAR example: I saw Fred Claus in theaters, and enjoyed it. I saw Down To You starring FPJ and Julia Styles (who I hate) and liked that too. I watched the show Welcome to the Captain starring Fran Kranz (yes, that’s his name, and he’s the worst, most obnoxious actor of all time and if he pops up in a nother one of my sitcoms I will fucking find him and scratch his eyes out. The only actor worse than Franz Kranz is Keanu Reeves. The fact that someone in this world would hire Franz Kranz to be in their film or TV show makes me want to cut myself), Chris Klein, Joanna Garcia (loves) Jeffery Tambor, Rochelle Welch. Horrible, awful sitcom. There were 5 episodes.

I also watched The Class, which I’m pretty sure had not one known-named actor in it. Watched every episode. Loved every episode. Am really sad it’s gone. I currently watch ‘Til Death starring Brad Garrett and Joely Fisher featuring JB Smoove (Leon Black from Curb… whose stand up I have seen live) and Shit Break from American Pie.

The point of that little exercise was to show you the kind of crap I watch. And I legitimately love every second of every one of those shows, as explained in my previous post. But now, back to The Big Bang Theory.

I was talking to someone recently who said I should write a spec script for The Big Bang Theory. He was like “that show is so hot right now” and “everyone loves that show”. Also, a good friend of mine, who has a similar taste in bad movies/TV as I also is obsessed with The Big Bang Theory. Well I tried it again. I watched the season premiere a few weeks ago. I had to turn it off mid-way through. What a horrible horrible show.

First of all, the fact that someone that knows me and knows my writing would suggest I try to write an episode of The Big Bang Theory, should seriously check himself. Lets get into the basic plot of the show: Two genius nerds live across the hall from a hot cheerleader babe (who is actually not that pretty at all). And the point of the show is to like laugh at the funny relationship between the two geniuses and the hot girl and see how they get along and interact and blah blah blah. God, the central plot is so boring I’m still confused as to how this even got green-lighted for a pilot. The plot description makes me angry. I know you're angry, I'M angry!!!!



Anyway, so I watched episode one of this season, where one of the nerds starts to hook up with the hot girl as he returns from some science research expedition in Antarctica with his nerd friends. But then all this other stuff starts happening and nerd 1 can’t make it to the bedroom with hot girl because there are issues he needs to tend to. So every time he starts making out with hot girl and something pops up (pun intended), he has to leave her to fix the problem and each time he says “I cannot catch a break here!”

Let me tell you something about the phrase “I cannot catch a break here!”, I love it. I think it’s hilarious and I love using it. I laugh every time I hear it. That being said, I don’t know if I can ever use it again. Within an episode of a sitcom, it’s fine to repeat a funny phrase like that, it becomes like a little inside joke between the viewer and the show. But if you do it more than 3 times it starts to get annoying. I’m not even kidding, I think the nerdy guy said it 4 times in less than 5 minutes. Then, when he said it a fifth time, I turned the TV off, which wasn't easy as I was shaking with rage. Soooooo annoying.

My other issue with this show is the punch lines. Every joke made is like an everyday occurance as explained by a genius in science terms. HOW IS THIS FUNNY!? I get that it’s funny that that’s how these guys talk and the girl doesn’t understand them. But I don’t understand them either. And neither do you. So you might recognize that it’s time to laugh because something funny was said, but you really have no idea what you’re laughing at. Infuriating.

So I invite you to watch an episode (or 5 minutes) of The Big Bang Theory so that you can confirm my theory that his is, in fact, the worst show on television. I was going to post a clip of it from YouTube but I started watching one and vomited all over my computer because it was so awful. Hatred.

Ode to the Sitcom Pilot

I love sitcoms. They complete me. Seriously. I don’t have a boyfriend, so every night in bed, instead of cuddling or talking or having intercourse, I watch sitcoms. They keep me warm at night. They hold me close when I’m feeling sad. They hold my hair back when I’m sick. They make the world make sense.

As I’ve said before, I feel lost when TV season comes to an end each spring. I look forward to a summer of reality TV and the pressure to actually do something with my life other than lie on the couch or in my bed and watch TV. And that is a world I want nothing to do with. Lies. I’m pretty social. But when I have a night like last Wednesdsay, it makes me wonder why I ever leave my apartment.

ABC is coming at me hard this season. Comedy Wednesday is absolutely fucking genius. Four new sitcoms. Bing. Bang. Boom. NBC might have birthed the modern-day sitcom with classics such as Cheers, Seinfeld, Frasier and Will & Grace, but they have fallen behind. All I know is I saw a promo on NBC that went something like “America, you told us you wanted more comedy, so here’s Jay Leno at 10pm!”

Uh no, NBC. Get your head out of your ass. More Comedy does not mean shifting a show that’s existed for like 15+ years to and earlier time slot. That’s retarded. I have yet to watch the new Leno show, but I’ve heard it’s awful.

So last week I had to watch all four new ABC Comedy Wednesday shows. And the reviews are in: I would recommend 3 of the 4. Kelsey Grammer’s new show, Hank, was OK but not great. Ok, it was pretty bad. I am going to watch every episode but I don’t suggest you do the same unless you have a weird Kelsey Grammer fetish like I do. The show is about a rich family who loses everything and has to move back to their hometown from the big city. I think they go from Chicago to some small town. Something like that. It's like almost too topical to be funny.



Next, Patricia Heaton co-stars in The Middle with the janitor from Scrubs and it’s awesome. Seriously a great show that I think is PERFECT for families to watch together. It actually makes me wish I had a husband and kids just so that we could gather round and watch this show together. Ok, that feeling passed. Phew. It’s sort of like Malcolm in the Middle meets… something. I can’t figure out what, but I like it. It is great. Fun for the whole family.





Then Modern Family, which is absolutely hilarious. I can’t even say anything about it other than you should watch it and laugh out loud the whole time.



And lastly, Courtney Cox’s new show Cougar Town, which had a pretty horrendous pilot but really came at me strong last week. Thumbs up to Court and thumbs up to the producers for creating the funniest / most awesome photo montage every seen on TV in last week’s episode.



If you don't enjoy that, you hate life and you should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. A. Courtney Cox looks amazing B. It makes me want to go out and have the funnest night everrrrrrr C. Single Ladies makes me happy in my heart.

But after those 4 shows, I wasn’t even close to done with sitcoms for the night. I still had The New Adventures of Old Christine AND Gary Unmarried, props to CBS for rocking both Wednesdays and Mondays with sitcoms. You might think I crazy. And maybe I am.... Crazy in love.

Sitcom pilots are so full of hope. Will you laugh with them? Will you laugh at them? Either way, it’s something fresh and new and exciting! It's like a first date but infinitely better. Well, unless it's your first date with me, in which case, there is nothing better. Will you watch any episodes after the pilot? In my world the answer to that is almost always yes. I like to root for the underdog, and when a show starts of with a shaky pilot I like to stick with it. I’m no quitter (when it comes to TV). I like to finish what I’ve started…

Is it because if they get their act together and become popular I can shrug all cool and be like “Yeah, no biggie, watched that shit since Episode 1”? Partially. But it's also because I support the creativity and work that goes into a pilot. And I also find it extremely interested to see which shows the general public ends up getting behind and which shows fail miserably and deciding for myself which of the failed shows should have failed and why and what they could have done differently.

God, I have so much more to say about sitcoms... I haven't even touched on CBS Comedy Mondays, but I’ll leave it at this for today. Don’t forget to watch The Office (Jim and Pam's wedding! Crying already), Park & Recreation and Community on NBC tonight. I talk a lot of shit about NBC but would actually kill a man to work there. And I will always and forever watch their Thursday night line-up. Respect.