Friday, October 30, 2009

Shit I made the Yankee hat more famous than a Yankee can.

Truth be told, I didn't know the World Series was going on right now until 5 minutes ago. Seriously. I knew the Yankees were doing well and that there was something going on with the Phillies but I had no clue it was the World Series. I'm a pretty much fair-weather fan, but that's just because unless the stakes are high, I don't enjoy watching sports. And if the Yankees are in the World Series you bet your ass I will be watching the remaining games. Anyway, I just wanted to post this video because it's ridiculously amazing and I cried (true story) and got goose bumps all over my body when I watched it. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Sorry Boo, Strike Two

Can we talk about The Hills for a second? I’ve been dying to talk about The Hills all day. The Hills. Is. Awesome.

Warning: If you don't watch The Hills, you are not going to understand any of this insanely long ramble. And also, I don't like you.

Ok, the season opened weak. It’s a point I will concede, easily. But what The Hills came back with after that weak season opener, really just blew my socks off. I understand why people stopped watching after the first episode, but everyone's allowed to have an off episode. Give it another chance! My roommate stopped after the first episode. And The Hills was like one of our things. We have more than a few of those… But every Monday at 10pm we sat in front of the TV and sang the entire “Feel the Rain on Your Skin!” song together as the show begun. It was glorious.

So word around the water cooler (aka Gchat since I work alone) is that The Hills viewership is down by a third this season. And you know what? That’s ridiculous. As much as I love Lauren Conrad, more than almost everyone in the world probably, I am also willing to admit that she is a wet blanket. I don’t know why I’m so in love with her, maybe it’s because she’s perfect in every way other than her personality, but I always have been and always will be team Conrad.

That being said, Kristin Cavallari is awesome. She doesn’t give a SHIT. I mean it’s totally different than Lauren Conrad. And I guess that’s what most people’s problem is, which is strange because I didn’t think anyone else liked her…

Kristin made Justin-Bobby come to life. I don't know how it happened, but like all of a sudden Justin-Bobby talks and is animated. It's great! It makes him even more of a sexual deviant than he already was. Because I don't care how bizarre he his, he's still hot.

And Apparently Staci the bartender is a cast member now? I looooove slash hate how The Hills just adds characters at random and we're expected to just accept them as part of the crew now. I guess that's how things go in fake reality TV.

Kristin talks in interviews about how she will do whatever the producers tell her. She lies to no one. Her life is an open book, just like mine. I think we’re kindred spirits. Maybe even sisters. If someone asks her if the show is fake she just talks about how ridiculously fake it is. But you have to respect her for that. She literally told the LA Times: "It's just so...fake. There's no truth to it. At all."

If Audrina wants to still pretend like the show is real when it is like SOOOOOO obviously the fakest most scripted thing everrrrrrrr then I feel like she’s insulting my intelligence. And if there is one person who shouldn’t be insulting anyone’s intelligence, on this earth, it is Audrina Patridge.

At one point, last season, Audrina lightened her hair considerably and somehow became like 100 times prettier.
I really don't know how the perfect shade of brown (which is now almost blonde) can change someone’s general appearance so much. But it really is the perfect shade of brown. My hair color is one of my favorite aspects about myself but I think if I could get that color I might just go for it. It's insane.

Even though her body was crazy before and still is, she just wasn't that great in my eyes. But now she is good to go. Except for her extra large back of the neck tatoo. Get a life, loser.

And PS KCavs looks sooooo much better with less make up. It's insanity. Literally, they put too much make up on her sometimes and it just doesn't look right. She's just so cool. I love everything about her.

Although the conversation Kristin had with her dad on last week's episode was really awkward. First of all, he lives in a Conrad-style mansion now. When they were filming Laguna Beach he basically lived in a trailer. Ok, that's an exaggeration, but he lived in a teeny tiny house and now he has this crazy water-front property. Someone address this please. Does MTV just rent a house to film at? Does he live there? I want to know!!!!! I mean at the end of Laguna he bought Kristin an X5, there's no way MTV didn't pay for some or all of that bad boy. No. Way.

I don't know what the fuck Heidi and Spencer are supposed to do with themselves now that there is no drama between them and Lauren, because I think that was like half of their personalities. Now, every episode is Heidi babysitting for Enzo and Spencer coming home and talking to an 8 year old as if he is a moron instead of a child. The whole thing is so retarded I want to scream. Heidi and Spencer are so irrelevant at this point it's a joke. Waste of my time. I don't even like hating them anymore. I used to have that. But now I want nothing to do with them.

The big thing they're involved in now is solving Holly's drinking problem. WHOA, HOW HAVE I NOT TALKED ABOUT STEPHANIE PRATT YET!?!?!? I just blacked in the fact that she existed and that she has a RAGING eating disorder this season. I borrow a phrase from Tina Fey when I say, "What the what?"

Stephanie Pratt's face looks as though it has been molded from plastic and then was left out in the scorching sun for days. Her face looks melted and bizarre. Her lips aren't even on her face half the time, she's a total Salvador Dali meets Picasso. I don't know what is where and nothing is in its correct form.

I can't seem to find a picture of her that really shows this new face that looks like it has been butchered like a plastic surgeon, but you should watch the show to see it in action. It's also how she acts. She was always a moron, but I think the plastic surgery and lack of food intake has pushed her over the edge. She is like totally spaced out all the time and nothing she says makes any sense. It's kind of hilariously awesome. She's probably on Meth again, no biggie.

I would like to encourage everyone that abandoned The Hills to come back. It’s fun over here. I could talk about these people for hours. It never ceases to amuse me and make my Tuesday nights infinitely better (what was up with the change in days, btw?).

I don’t see The Hills coming to an end because of this dramatic loss in viewers, because it’s still MTV’s second-highest-rated show and also number one in it’s time slot in all of television. So eliminating it all together would be a poor choice.

But if Kristin leaves, there could be problems, and by problems I mean I will definitely stop watching. That’s how Laguna stopped being good, that’s for sure.

And the question remains, when will I get Lauren Conrad back in my life!? I bought her book the day it came out… I mean, I pre-ordered it on Amazon and they sent it to me right away. And I read it in three days. I’m not even kidding. It was horrible but I loved every word. I can’t even wait for another book, show or movie. I want it now!!!!

Most sexual couple everrrrrr!!!!!!

Wow, Kyle Howard with facial hair? I will absolutely do it.

When I was younger I hated hated hated facial hair. It scared me a little, but I also just didn't find it attractive at all and it boggled my mind why any man would want to look like that. Well, someone has changed my mind about this. I used to think it was someone I knew who turned me on to facial hair. But then I realized I first became enamored with facial hair from the one and only, Jeremy Sisto. Of Clueless, 6 Feet Under and Law & Order fame. It happened just over a year ago with his premiere on Law & Order. He has changed me, and for that, I thank him... And keep him as my "religious views" on my Facebook profile.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Worst "Scandal" Ever.

Ok, so am I the only person in the world who thinks this whole David Letterman thing has been blown WAY out of proportion? Maybe I am missing something here, and seriously, stop me if I’m wrong, but as I understand it, he had a relationship (SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP!!!) with someone who worked beneath him (pun intended) on his show. He was not married, but was in a relationship with the woman who he is now married to. Breaking it down: He fucked someone who worked for him.

Well, if that is actually what happened, everyone who has been talking about this for weeks should probably kill themselves. This is life people, I might work in an apartment with a senior citizen now, but there was a time where I worked in an office, with actual other people, with actual sexual beings. And I also talk to friends who currently work in an office with other people (and again, sexual beings). Newsflash: most offices are a fucking cesspool of intercourse.

Before I launch into an oddly defensive defense of David Letterman’s actions, let me say I don’t like David Letterman and his comedy at all. After the first time I saw Norm MacDonald imitate him I decided I could never watch him again, because all of the Dave-isms Norm MacDonald mocked were so accurately annoying that they drove me crazy. Most notably the fact that Dave repeats the same joke/phrase 20+ times throughout any episode of his show.

But, on we go.

Do I think it’s right he cheated on his girlfriend (current wife, but girlfriend at the time of this incident)? NO! Of course not. I think cheating is deplorable and almost look forward to the day someone cheats on me so that I can go absolutely ape-shit crazy on that asshole and probably end up scratching his eyes out. Ok, that’s a little extreme (not the ape-shit crazy part, but the looking forward to someone cheating part)and a lie. Being cheated on has got to be one of the worst feelings in the world.

BUT, do I think that people who are Letterman fans should turn around and say “I’m not watching his show anymore”? No. Get over yourself. The man abused his power. Who doesn’t abuse power when they have it? If I had my own company and a bunch of hot young guys working under me ready to fuck, I’d definitely go for it too (so long as I’m single).

So like, I’m really not sure what the big deal is (since I don’t follow the news) and what aspect of this people are so offended by. Is it the boss having sex with an intern thing? Because there’s a whole show based on that concept, and it’s called Grey’s Anatomy. And if that is what the problem is, get over it and welcome to the real world.

If you think I haven’t had a job where my boss was hooking up with / dating my co-worker, think again. In addition to that, my current boss is now married to someone who used to work for him. So I have yet to hold a job where this issue has not come up. That aspect of this whole thing is so far from a big deal and so commonplace, it’s laughable.

As an intern I had whimsical fantasies about hooking up with some hot reporter/news anchor/show host (I had more than a few in mind). I would have been totally down if I had been approached by one of the men that I was actually interested in (all of whom were approximately 1 million times better looking than David Letterman). That really would have been the way to get the most out of my internship experience.What female intern doesn’t want to hook up with a hot older guy? I have definitely said the words “I want to be the next Monica Lewinsky” many many times in my life. Sometimes the words “skinnier and prettier” are thrown in there too. Don’t worry about it, we’re both Jews.

It definitely would have been an easier task to finagle if my actual intern supervisor was a hot guy. But it was an obscenely overweight woman who’s parting advice to her four interns was to drop out of college should any job in the TV industry come their way. Really stellar advice.

Now I’m just mad at myself for talking about this topic when I’m really annoyed that the rest of the world has decided to keep talking about it. I decided to finally find out what actually happened yesterday because I thought I was missing something here, that he did something so terribly awful that it merited the whole world talking about it for weeks on end. FALSE.

I do like how he handled the situation and broke it down on National Television. Definitely commendable.

But I have to say that the most surprising thing about this is that someone actually willingly had sex with David Letterman. And that is coming from someone (me!) who is constantly/consistently attracted to people who are not even sort of good looking. What. A goon.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Sometimes I Rant Slow, Sometimes I Rant Quick

Now I will briefly touch on a sitcom I boycotted, came back to because everyone was talking it up, and am boycotting again: The Big Bang Theory.

Is this show for real? I know that people hate shows like 2 And A Half Men because they’re hacky and cheesy and obvious, but I still think it’s good. You can’t watch that show and not laugh. And if you can, you have no soul. But how did The Big Bang Theory become a success? Let me tell you a little story with my relationship with this show.

I either watched the pilot or an episode early on in the first season, obviously, because if CBS puts something on Comedy Mondays, I’m not going to ignore it, that would be sacrilege. So I was like “Oh, this show is pretty obnoxious, not into it.” And didn’t watch it again, which is kind of a big deal for me. I don’t think you understand how much crap I will watch when it comes to TV and film and be totally fine with it. If a show is too bad for me to watch, it’s really fucking bad.

PAR example: I saw Fred Claus in theaters, and enjoyed it. I saw Down To You starring FPJ and Julia Styles (who I hate) and liked that too. I watched the show Welcome to the Captain starring Fran Kranz (yes, that’s his name, and he’s the worst, most obnoxious actor of all time and if he pops up in a nother one of my sitcoms I will fucking find him and scratch his eyes out. The only actor worse than Franz Kranz is Keanu Reeves. The fact that someone in this world would hire Franz Kranz to be in their film or TV show makes me want to cut myself), Chris Klein, Joanna Garcia (loves) Jeffery Tambor, Rochelle Welch. Horrible, awful sitcom. There were 5 episodes.

I also watched The Class, which I’m pretty sure had not one known-named actor in it. Watched every episode. Loved every episode. Am really sad it’s gone. I currently watch ‘Til Death starring Brad Garrett and Joely Fisher featuring JB Smoove (Leon Black from Curb… whose stand up I have seen live) and Shit Break from American Pie.

The point of that little exercise was to show you the kind of crap I watch. And I legitimately love every second of every one of those shows, as explained in my previous post. But now, back to The Big Bang Theory.

I was talking to someone recently who said I should write a spec script for The Big Bang Theory. He was like “that show is so hot right now” and “everyone loves that show”. Also, a good friend of mine, who has a similar taste in bad movies/TV as I also is obsessed with The Big Bang Theory. Well I tried it again. I watched the season premiere a few weeks ago. I had to turn it off mid-way through. What a horrible horrible show.

First of all, the fact that someone that knows me and knows my writing would suggest I try to write an episode of The Big Bang Theory, should seriously check himself. Lets get into the basic plot of the show: Two genius nerds live across the hall from a hot cheerleader babe (who is actually not that pretty at all). And the point of the show is to like laugh at the funny relationship between the two geniuses and the hot girl and see how they get along and interact and blah blah blah. God, the central plot is so boring I’m still confused as to how this even got green-lighted for a pilot. The plot description makes me angry. I know you're angry, I'M angry!!!!

Anyway, so I watched episode one of this season, where one of the nerds starts to hook up with the hot girl as he returns from some science research expedition in Antarctica with his nerd friends. But then all this other stuff starts happening and nerd 1 can’t make it to the bedroom with hot girl because there are issues he needs to tend to. So every time he starts making out with hot girl and something pops up (pun intended), he has to leave her to fix the problem and each time he says “I cannot catch a break here!”

Let me tell you something about the phrase “I cannot catch a break here!”, I love it. I think it’s hilarious and I love using it. I laugh every time I hear it. That being said, I don’t know if I can ever use it again. Within an episode of a sitcom, it’s fine to repeat a funny phrase like that, it becomes like a little inside joke between the viewer and the show. But if you do it more than 3 times it starts to get annoying. I’m not even kidding, I think the nerdy guy said it 4 times in less than 5 minutes. Then, when he said it a fifth time, I turned the TV off, which wasn't easy as I was shaking with rage. Soooooo annoying.

My other issue with this show is the punch lines. Every joke made is like an everyday occurance as explained by a genius in science terms. HOW IS THIS FUNNY!? I get that it’s funny that that’s how these guys talk and the girl doesn’t understand them. But I don’t understand them either. And neither do you. So you might recognize that it’s time to laugh because something funny was said, but you really have no idea what you’re laughing at. Infuriating.

So I invite you to watch an episode (or 5 minutes) of The Big Bang Theory so that you can confirm my theory that his is, in fact, the worst show on television. I was going to post a clip of it from YouTube but I started watching one and vomited all over my computer because it was so awful. Hatred.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Ode to the Sitcom Pilot

I love sitcoms. They complete me. Seriously. I don’t have a boyfriend, so every night in bed, instead of cuddling or talking or having intercourse, I watch sitcoms. They keep me warm at night. They hold me close when I’m feeling sad. They hold my hair back when I’m sick. They make the world make sense.

As I’ve said before, I feel lost when TV season comes to an end each spring. I look forward to a summer of reality TV and the pressure to actually do something with my life other than lie on the couch or in my bed and watch TV. And that is a world I want nothing to do with. Lies. I’m pretty social. But when I have a night like last Wednesdsay, it makes me wonder why I ever leave my apartment.

ABC is coming at me hard this season. Comedy Wednesday is absolutely fucking genius. Four new sitcoms. Bing. Bang. Boom. NBC might have birthed the modern-day sitcom with classics such as Cheers, Seinfeld, Frasier and Will & Grace, but they have fallen behind. All I know is I saw a promo on NBC that went something like “America, you told us you wanted more comedy, so here’s Jay Leno at 10pm!”

Uh no, NBC. Get your head out of your ass. More Comedy does not mean shifting a show that’s existed for like 15+ years to and earlier time slot. That’s retarded. I have yet to watch the new Leno show, but I’ve heard it’s awful.

So last week I had to watch all four new ABC Comedy Wednesday shows. And the reviews are in: I would recommend 3 of the 4. Kelsey Grammer’s new show, Hank, was OK but not great. Ok, it was pretty bad. I am going to watch every episode but I don’t suggest you do the same unless you have a weird Kelsey Grammer fetish like I do. The show is about a rich family who loses everything and has to move back to their hometown from the big city. I think they go from Chicago to some small town. Something like that. It's like almost too topical to be funny.

Next, Patricia Heaton co-stars in The Middle with the janitor from Scrubs and it’s awesome. Seriously a great show that I think is PERFECT for families to watch together. It actually makes me wish I had a husband and kids just so that we could gather round and watch this show together. Ok, that feeling passed. Phew. It’s sort of like Malcolm in the Middle meets… something. I can’t figure out what, but I like it. It is great. Fun for the whole family.

Then Modern Family, which is absolutely hilarious. I can’t even say anything about it other than you should watch it and laugh out loud the whole time.

And lastly, Courtney Cox’s new show Cougar Town, which had a pretty horrendous pilot but really came at me strong last week. Thumbs up to Court and thumbs up to the producers for creating the funniest / most awesome photo montage every seen on TV in last week’s episode.

If you don't enjoy that, you hate life and you should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. A. Courtney Cox looks amazing B. It makes me want to go out and have the funnest night everrrrrrr C. Single Ladies makes me happy in my heart.

But after those 4 shows, I wasn’t even close to done with sitcoms for the night. I still had The New Adventures of Old Christine AND Gary Unmarried, props to CBS for rocking both Wednesdays and Mondays with sitcoms. You might think I crazy. And maybe I am.... Crazy in love.

Sitcom pilots are so full of hope. Will you laugh with them? Will you laugh at them? Either way, it’s something fresh and new and exciting! It's like a first date but infinitely better. Well, unless it's your first date with me, in which case, there is nothing better. Will you watch any episodes after the pilot? In my world the answer to that is almost always yes. I like to root for the underdog, and when a show starts of with a shaky pilot I like to stick with it. I’m no quitter (when it comes to TV). I like to finish what I’ve started…

Is it because if they get their act together and become popular I can shrug all cool and be like “Yeah, no biggie, watched that shit since Episode 1”? Partially. But it's also because I support the creativity and work that goes into a pilot. And I also find it extremely interested to see which shows the general public ends up getting behind and which shows fail miserably and deciding for myself which of the failed shows should have failed and why and what they could have done differently.

God, I have so much more to say about sitcoms... I haven't even touched on CBS Comedy Mondays, but I’ll leave it at this for today. Don’t forget to watch The Office (Jim and Pam's wedding! Crying already), Park & Recreation and Community on NBC tonight. I talk a lot of shit about NBC but would actually kill a man to work there. And I will always and forever watch their Thursday night line-up. Respect.

Friday, October 2, 2009

"It's my way, or the lame way" - Spencer Pratt, The Hills season premiere

I hate PCs. I didn’t think I’d become one of these people… I swear I didn't. As I have stated before, I used to hate Mac’s and Mac products. I didn’t get an iPod until way after most people (not my roommate though, I think she held out for like generation 5 iPod, and in the meantime used an “mp3 player” that held something like 75 songs. Ah, memories.) And then when my 3-year old PC was running slow my senior year, it was an Acer (yup, I had a computer by Texas Instruments, and it was basically a 15 lb. TI-83, no biggie) I decided to make the switch.

But I’ve gotten to the point where I legitimately like people less when I find out they have PCs and genuinely like them more when I find out they have Macs. First of all, PCs are slow. They’re ugly and they’re slow - like the contents of a special ED classroom. I’m sorry, ugly and slow people exist, and that’s fine, I’m hating on them at all. But if you could chose attractive, sleek and fast instead, wouldn’t you go with that? Exactly. It’s why people get amniocentesis done. If you can avoid the slow and ugly, you do.

Here’s the thing. I know where you’re coming from. I was a PC until 3 years ago. I get it. We all learned our way around the modern computer by learning the Windows system. It’s confusing and scary to switch to something new. It takes learning and time and I was scared too. And I get not wanting to learn something new! Learning is time consuming and hard and I’d rather just not. I’m way too lazy.

Actually, the way I learned my way around a Mac was by being forced. All the computers in the Journalism Lab at the University of Richmond (whattup 4th floor of Weinstein hall) were Macs. So there I was. A PC in a Mac world. I was so resistant to change. So set in my ways. But I had no way out. I had decided to be a Journalism major, literally all of my classes were going to be in this Mac filled room, I had to learn it.

So I eased my way in. I don’t remember how it happened exactly. But with some help along the way, I figured out how to use a Mac. And once you do that, there’s no better feeling in the world. What an accomplishment. But the thing about learning a Mac is, it’s really not that hard at all. You go to “Macintosh HD” instead of “Start”. And then for your programs you go into “Applications”. That’s it. That’s literally all you need to know about using a Mac. It’s that easy.

As a good friend gchatted me the other day when we were in the midst of boosting each other’s ego’s about how we’ve gotten our entire families to switch over to Macs, “It just works better with everything a person needs in life.” It’s just true. And last time I had the PC vs. Mac argument with a friend one of his main points was that PCs sell so much more than Macs, so obviously they’re better.

A. PCs are cheaper (dollar-wise… but also, obviously quality-wise). B. Just because “more people” like it means it’s better? More people voted for George Bush… Oh wait… I guess that doesn’t work, since George Bush lost the popular vote. But my point there was supposed to be, just because the masses have accepted it, does NOT mean it’s the better option.

If anything, it proves that it’s the wrong decision. Because if you’re going to base your life decisions off of what the majority of the American public is doing, you are going to be watching American Idol every night and your piece of shit computer is going to be the least of your problems.