Just Shut Up Already

Ok, so for someone who talks a lot (and loudly) I’m very familiar with the looks and general vibe of someone who wants you to just stop talking. Usually I’m aware of it and I just ignore it. But sometimes I will actually stop talking and try to stop annoying the person(s) I’m yelling stories at. And yes I realized that's a dangling preposition and no I don't care...

So this man who comes in to work to pay bills for my "company" once a week is just the worst. We sit in the same room for a few hours once a week and at some point he decides to tell me some sort of story that I don’t want to hear. I'm convinced he brainstorms what topic he's going to delve into each week.

I usually remain staring at my computer responding with phrases like “uh huh” and “yeah” until he’s done. And I don’t just stare at my computer, I actively partake in G-chat conversations while he’s talking to me. I also use his random burst of conversation to make myself seem really busy by shuffling papers and actually doing a little work. But he keeps on going until his story is done.

This week’s convo in particular stuck in my mind. I told him that I’m moving to California in a few weeks and he responded with tales of his own road trip to the wild wild west when he was in his early 20s. This man is probably in his 40s now and has a family and lives on Long Island. I’m pretty sure his wife is mentally unstable as she calls him at least once every time he’s in my office and he usually has to talk her off some sort of ledge and tell her to “calm down” 20 times.

Anyway, his story was about road tripping out west by himself and deciding if he was going to stay out there or come back. He said he kind of wishes he had stayed (surprise surprise, I have friends who graduated college a year ago who are more competent at accounting than you are). But then he told me a detailed account of going to Las Vegas alone and he literally used the words “ORIENTAL HOOKER” when talking about an apparently Asian prostitute who was hitting on him while he was gambling.

He also described a conversation that he, the dealer and the Oriental hooker had without saying any words. They all were just looking at each other and knew exactly what was going on. He declined said Oriental hookers advances (I don't remember if he did that with words or with his eyes...) and then got dealt a 21 and won some money and the dealer gave him a "you shoulda kept her around" look. And that was the story.

He literally had no clue that “Oriental” is a completely inappropriate word to say. And it’s not like we’re friends. Like if someone who I joke around with referred to an Asian person as an "Oriental" I would laugh because it would just sound strange coming out of the mouth of a 20-something and it would obviously be used in jest. But if you’re over 40 and saying “Oriental” you really are out of touch with the world. And PS, we were in a work place, yes it’s a man in an apartment but this is a job for both of us, we’re not out for drinks hanging and talking about the good old days.

So yeah… I'm not sure what the point of his story was. I guess it's good for him that he could reminisce about better days (back in an economy that rained Oriental hookers on us all!) but if anything it just disturbed me and made me want to get him out of my office that much sooner. But what if his story was about how he banged an oriental hooker in Vegas? I'm not sure if I would have more or less respect for him if that's how the story had gone... But I do know that I'm thoroughly grossed out either way.

HOLY. HILLS.

Last night really made my life. I will give a quick run down of the final moments of The Hills, just incase you live under a rock and missed it. As Kristin pulls away from Brody in a town car (to go to the airport to fly off to Europe) we focus in on Brody with the Hollywood Hills and the Hollywood sign in the background. Then the background shifts to the side and the camera pulls back to reveal that they’re on a set. The car that Kristin has just departed in pulls back around and she gets out of it and hugs Brody on a soundstage – the final image of The Hills.



Can I just say, when this happened, I screamed at the top of my lungs and cried. But that shouldn’t come as a big surprise because I do that like once an episode during most shows that I watch. The Natasha Bedingfield acoustic unwritten was and INCREDIBLE touch.

This whole reveal was a slap in the face, but also an amazing exercise in honesty. Yes, they’ve been tooling us around the whole time. Yes, they made it out to be a reality show when in actuality it was totally fake. But at least they admitted it. It was like they said, “Gotcha!” to us after pulling a practical joke that lasted 5 years and took up an inordinate amount of my time, energy and life. The only way I can really describe it was the The Hills anally raped my mind with awesomeness last night.


Let’s start with Audrina. Aud decides she’s going to move out to Hermosa to live on the beach. BORING. Maybe it’s because she has issues with goodbyes. But I do kind of respect her cutting ties. She didn’t want to go to Kristin’s goodbye party at risk of running into Justin. This is probably the first smart life decision Audrina has made on all 6 seasons of The Hills. People do change! Although I do miss the days when Audrina was watching Justin cheat on her every week and then going back to him by the end of the episode... And the days when Spencer was sending Audrina flowers while he was dating Heidi. What… a classy guy.

So now I’ll move on to Heidi and Spencer, who have been MIA for the last few episodes of The Hills. It’s just like in life when people just get way too crazy and you just need to pass them on to the professionals. That’s how I feel about Spencer and Heidi. You just get so tired after hearing so much crazy for so long that it loses its shock value and isn’t even interesting. I say good riddance.

Yes, that's a pic of H&S before even Heidi's very first round of surgeries. Sad...

Aaaaaaaand plastic-ed out.

If Heidi and Spencer somehow get their own show or something it will just be so stupid and ridiculous and awful. I think we should all just pretend like they don’t exist. ALTHOUGH, it was super sad on the after show when they played clips to Holly of Heidi from when she was normal. Poor Heidi. I mean I guess there’s one in every bunch that gets sucked into the Hollywood scene and thinks they need 25 plastic surgeries to look good. I think by now everything has settled in and looks less plastic, that stuff gets more natural with time. But still, kudos to Spencer for being an expert brainwasher. You have to admit, that’s kind of impressive. I would be surprised if Spencer was the head of some sort of suicide/crystal cult in 10 years… or now…

Then there's Brody Jenner. I don't even have anything to say about him other than that he's so my type it's not even funny. I mean I know he's everyone's type because he's ridiculously good looking. But the ways in which he's an asshole, are the kinds of guys I'm always attracted to. Except they don't look like that, which is unfortunate for both me and them. It's really impossible to look at Brody without getting silly in the pants. He's a dime if there ever was one. What's he going to do now? I'm dying to find out. Maybe he should just join the cast of Keeping up with the Kardashians and call it a day. It's a shame his weird competition Bromance show was so bad, because I could really use some more Brody in my life and on my TV... And in my bed...

Let’s also get this out the way… I just feel like I need to say it so you can really get where I’m coming from. I miss Lauren Conrad. I miss her every day. I love her so much I just wish we could hang out all day and be best friends for life. She’s so pretty and perfect and I know she doesn’t have a personality that makes you want to like her, but you just have to like her anyway. And on the after party she really looked the happiest that I’ve ever seen her. And I know her facial expressions well… Since half the show was composed of them. I see an engagement in the not-so-distant future for her and my boyfriend, Kyle Howard.

Kristin Cavallari. I mean I love her. She’s great. And with the “surprise” ending exposing the show as a fraud you kind of get that Kristin was just there to be a part of the show. She wasn’t really sharing her life with us. She was doing what the script told her to do. She was playing along. But the only thing I still don’t get, is how Kristin pulled off those tears out to lunch with Lo when she was crying over Brody last week. I mean, I would buy into the fact that all of that was fake, but I just don’t think she’s good enough of an actor. I also saw her on Chelsea Lately a few days ago and she like oddly tip-toed around Chelsea’s question asking if her and Brody hooked up. Basically telling us that it was all just for the show. Whatever, it kept me entertained.

And then there's Lo... The only one who actually seems real. And at this point, the only one still with us since the very beginning in Laguna Beach. The only thing I didn't like about Lo in this episode is that they somehow have swindled her boyfriend into being part of the show when before he was never on camera. And his whole love confession thing made me really uncomfortable. It was just so awkward and obviously fake/scripted. Which, yes, the whole show is, but I don't like when it actually seems that way, duh. And I also didn't like that she kept talking about how ready she was to settle down. Just because the show is ending doesn't mean your life has to come to a complete stop. You're 25... Calm down. I'm hoping that's something the producers wrote and not how she really feels. But I did go to her website when it launched yesterday... The Lo Down (clever!!!)

I don't think I care enough about Stephanie Pratt to write a full paragraph about her. She looks better since she stopped drinking. And her awkwardness with her new boyfriend was kind of funny and cute. Good times.

So in conclusion, Although The Hills is fake, it’s still pretty real. I mean that’s not our lives and that’s not what we do, but at the same time, isn’t it? The producers might manipulate the characters into certain situations that wouldn’t have happened otherwise, but those situations have a realness to them that we can all connect to and relate to on some level. Yeah, our weeks aren’t filled with weeknight bottle service outings and daily alfresco lunch dates, but the problems and issues that occur among a group of friends and non-friends, co-workers almost, are similar to issues that we all have, and for that… For that I am thankful.

PS I’m watching this final minute of The Hills on repeat and crying actual tears every single time. I can’t help it. It’s just too good. So many emotions. Oh what a journey it’s been.