Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Amazon Is Ruining My Life

Is that the biggest overstatement of the century? Definitely. Because once I explain to you why AMAZON IS RUINING MY LIFE you’re going to be like “Oh, that’s not a big deal”. And it’s not. If anything, this is “GRINDS MY GEARS” status at best. 

If you’ve been on Amazon lately you might have noticed little virtual tags on some lower priced items that read “add-on item”. But there’s also a good chance you didn’t notice it and you tried to add an item to your bag and you couldn’t check out. This, is one of those stories.

A few years ago I was trying to order a sweater shaver. You may or may not be aware of what that is. But if you don’t live in tropical climates, a sweater shaver is highly necessary because sweaters pill and look worn out quite quickly sometimes. The sweater shaver makes your sweater look brand new. It is a wonderful invention.

I even google imaged a before and after for you. So you can see with your own eyes, how great the sweater shaver is..

Anyway... It was the depths of winter 2010. No one was using the term “Polar Vortex” because that didn’t exist until like yesterday as far as I’m concerned. But yeah, it was cold. My sweaters were looking shabby. I went on Amazon to buy a sweater shaver.

It’s so cheap! That’s awesome! Under $10 and my entire sweater collection will be revitalized! I am killing it, you guys!

Nope. I had it loaded into my cart and NO WHERE did I see a button for check out. I thought I was going insane. I thought Sir Ashton Kutcher HIMSELF was punking me in an elaborate plan to prevent me from checking out on Amazon. I’ve done enough online shopping in my day to know there is always a way to give people your money. And it’s usually pretty easy (having your credit card number memorized always helps).

I honestly don’t remember the details of how I finally discovered this was an “add-on item”, but that’s exactly what it is. And NOW, in 2014, from inside the #PolarVortex, there is an explanation. Which I have pasted here:

I’m glad this is helping you keep your prices low, but WHAT GOOD ARE LOW PRICES IF I CAN’T ACTUALLY PURCHASE THE PRODUCTS!?!?!?!??! Zero.

And maybe you don’t live in NYC and you have Amazon Prime and like my mother you think it’s INSANE that I don’t order my paper towels and toilet paper from Amazon Prime. But if you think I have storage space for a 24-pack of paper towels, you’re fucking high.

I ended up buying my sweater shaver from Bed Bath and yes, my sweaters are all looking amazing. But still, add-on items haunt me. Currently the add-on items in my cart are the throat lozenges promoted by Martha Stewart in the creepiest video you will ever watch ever. And also some Rose Water spray, because Rose has a higher vibrational frequency!!!! JK, hippie nonsense, I just like how it smells. 

I will not-so patiently await (it's already been like a month!!!) to have a more expensive item to order from Amazon Prime so that I can get all of my inexpensive items as well. And I will NOT be happy about it.


Courtney Plank said...

brady, love this! I did always wonder what the add-on item was and have always falling for the trick - Similar to yesterday went to jcrew to "spend 100 to get 25 back" --> amex tells me its a good deal, im not so sure

Brady said...

Courtney! Thanks so much for commenting! And for reading :)

I just figured out I needed some stuff and finally qualified for all my add-on items... $100 later....

How did I not know about this JCREW deal!?!?!?!?!?