Friday, November 20, 2009

I just want to go home and watch that show about midgets and eat a block of cheese.

If you live in New York City, there is virtually zero chance that you have not seen this:

The ad for the Dunkin Donuts tuna sandwich is EVERYWHERE. Inside the subway, outside the subway, on buses, on telephone booths. Everywhere I look all I see is a gross fucking tuna sandwich on a bagel being pedaled by Dunkin Donuts.

First of all, it has 700 calories. Seriously, I discovered the nutritional information while I was searching for a pic.

Second of all, this is DISGUSTING. I have an issue with tuna. A huge issue with tuna. I think it’s gross. And I almost never eat it. I will only eat it if I prepare it for myself. Ordering tuna is something I have never done and something that I never will do. In trying to figure out why I am so vehemently against ordering tuna in any sort of venue, I remembered an occurrence that happened to me in Middle School.

My mom and I drove to Bagels & More one fateful morning when I was in the 6th grade. I ordered my regular, which at that point was Super Cinnamon & Raisin toasted with cream cheese (amazing). It wasn’t the first bite, nor the second, but at some point I bit into my bagel and had an odd taste in my mouth – tuna. It wasn’t like a full bite of tuna, but at some point someone must have switched the knives in the tuna and the cream cheese and there was an unmistakable and unwanted taste in my 12-year-old mouth at 8am that morning.

The worst part was that the taste wouldn’t go away. I spit out the tuna bite and then was obviously overcome by nausea (if you know me at all you know that that is a constant in my life) and confusion. I didn’t have a tooth brush with me, I was getting out of a minivan in front of Bedford Middle School late for homeroom with Miss Homscheid. I somehow found a Jolly Rancher in my teal LL Bean back pack (this just got way Middle Schooly) and used that to cleanse my palate.

So after some real soul searching and self-psychoanalyzing, I have decided that is why I hate tuna. Although, as I said, I will eat it if I make it myself. But now Dunkin Donuts has brought out a tuna sandwich. And they're advertising it EVERYTHING. And this is just not OK. I used to be obsessed with Dunkin Donuts, and although I still believe in their magical powers (if you haven’t had the wake up wrap or the iced tea, you are a fool) I just don’t go that much. I stopped drinking coffee. I stopped eating breakfast. I get my bagels from Lenny’s now. Whatever.

But now… Nowwwwwwww, I have the debilitating fear that if I ever order food from Dunkin Donuts it is going to be prepared with a utensil that has been cross contaminated with tuna. Ew. I was talking to a friend about this and they agreed, “I don’t want tuna anywhere near anything I would order at Dunkin Donuts”. Amen, sister.

And also, Dunkin Donuts, it’s about time for you to calm the fuck down. There is no way people are actually buying their non-breakfast food from Dunkin, is there? I mean, I think it’s weird that I’ve never tried one of their non-breakfast panini’s because I usually operate under the assumption that everything Dunkin Donuts touches turns to gold (that’s just science). And I also like experimenting with new and limited time only food. But for some reason, I was never up for wasting a full meal on a questionable panini or pizza from Dunkin.

I think if I knew someone that ordered a tuna sandwich from Dunkin Donuts I would have to stop being friends with them immediately. I just really cannot get into the mindset of anyone who would think that would socially acceptable.


Sloan said...

I could not agree more. The only thing weirder than Dunkin trying to serve non-breakfast is the opposite. Observe Hardees fried balogna breakfast sandwich. It's everywhere and it haunts me. Who wants to put balogna on a

Brady said...

um, that is strange but WAY less gross than tuna. i would probably try that because it's oddly intriguing. but we don't have hardees up in the great white north!

Brooklynfluff said...

Wait a second. When you say you hate tuna, are you really willing to exclude tuna tartar, seared tuna, spicy tuna rolls, tuna nicoise salad (the list goes on) from your diet??

Brady said...

No no no. I'm talking about tuna salad slash tuna with mayo. I also don't do tuna nicoise salad, I love spicy tuna rolls, I'm OK with seared tuna but not in love and I'm really not into tuna tartar because raw fish is not my style. When i say "tuna" I mean the tuna you see in the Dunkin Donuts ads and its closest relatives.

JonTorre4 said...

I see you are channeling your inner Brit by leaving the peirods outside the quotation marks. While I despise the Brits, their typographical rule always made more sense.

While/Whilst anyone?

Brady said...

Ha, you know how I feel about Brits. I don't even know what period/quote incident you're referring to but I'll pretend like I did it on purpose. Whilst is totally better than while. I like to use other British typographical idioms as much as possible. Switch an e-r to r-e. Add U's after O's sometimes. Sometimes a Z instead of an S. Ya know, the usual.

dontgetsentimental said...

Brady, I fucking love tuna. What the fuck. I eat tuna melts and tuna sandwiches and tuna subs and spicy tuna rolls and live tuna that I catch myself in the rivers of New Jersey. Ok that last part's a lie... MAYBE. And that bagel tuna concoction? I dream about it. DREAM. My biggest concern? That the thickness of the bagel will outweigh the stank deliciousness that is the tuna. The bread/meat ratio is very important to me. Then again, you also should know my feelings about bologna so maybe I'm not one to vent about cold cuts and the like. I'm gonna go back in my cave now and stop rambling. I just... I really love tuna.

PS. I got high with my parents this weekend. Thanksgiving dessert so to speak. I thought you might enjoy that. My mom "forbid" me from blogging about it, but we'll see about that. We'llll just seeeee.

Brady said...

DGS, that. Is. Amazing. (The getting high with your parents part, not your love for tuna)How'd that go? Did they do anything funny? Who brought the weed? Was your brother involved?

As for the tuna, are you going to try it from D&D? I did know about your love for it, and the occasional tuna melt does not gross me out as much... Not that I'd ever get one myself, but a tuna melt is less gross to me than a regular tuna sandwich. But I do eat spicy tuna rolls. Don't you worry. And I will dip them in anything- soy sauce, eel sauce, ginger dressing, miso dressing, you name it. I love Asian food like you love tuna, apparently.

dontgetsentimental said...

I love DIPPING THINGS! Ugh, god condiments rock my world. I typically will dip tuna rolls into extra spicy mayo sauce because I'm THAT girl. I will try the D&D sandwich just for you this weekend. It will probably be gross because I notice chunks of celery, otherwise known as chunks of death.

As for the getting high, my mom was both drunk AND high so she started her racist name-calling in typical fashion. "Faggot" was her favorite word of the night. My mom got the weed "from a friend at work". If that's not the shadiest thing you've ever heard, let me know. And oh my brother was involved. He rolled it. Poorly, I might add. I nearly lost a lung. Apparently my brother is a pothead now. And wears a thumb ring. So, by transitive property, apparently my brother is gay.

Jessica said...

Braids - I can't believe you didn't note the Dishes tuna sandwich as an exception. I am taking it personally.

P.S. I am in love with DGS and why wasn't she at our Westport Winter Wonderland Weekend?

Brady said...

Wow. Sorry. That is my mistake. The only tuna that I ever actually eat (besides sushi) is the most amazing sandwich in the world from Dishes in NYC. It's like more than $10, but whatever. I shall copy and paste the description of it from menu pages:

Albacore Tuna And Cheddar: grilled zucchini, harissa aioli, sesame jerusalem bagel

And it's grilled.

Yum. Nothing about that sandwich tastes anything like tuna. And I love grilled zucchini more than anything. Dishes can be found in the Grand Central Terminal Food Concourse (aka GCT Dining) and at their other locations: 45th and 5th, 54th and Park.