If you live in New York City, there is virtually zero chance that you have not seen this:
The ad for the Dunkin Donuts tuna sandwich is EVERYWHERE. Inside the subway, outside the subway, on buses, on telephone booths. Everywhere I look all I see is a gross fucking tuna sandwich on a bagel being pedaled by Dunkin Donuts.
First of all, it has 700 calories. Seriously, I discovered the nutritional information while I was searching for a pic.
Second of all, this is DISGUSTING. I have an issue with tuna. A huge issue with tuna. I think it’s gross. And I almost never eat it. I will only eat it if I prepare it for myself. Ordering tuna is something I have never done and something that I never will do. In trying to figure out why I am so vehemently against ordering tuna in any sort of venue, I remembered an occurrence that happened to me in Middle School.
My mom and I drove to Bagels & More one fateful morning when I was in the 6th grade. I ordered my regular, which at that point was Super Cinnamon & Raisin toasted with cream cheese (amazing). It wasn’t the first bite, nor the second, but at some point I bit into my bagel and had an odd taste in my mouth – tuna. It wasn’t like a full bite of tuna, but at some point someone must have switched the knives in the tuna and the cream cheese and there was an unmistakable and unwanted taste in my 12-year-old mouth at 8am that morning.
The worst part was that the taste wouldn’t go away. I spit out the tuna bite and then was obviously overcome by nausea (if you know me at all you know that that is a constant in my life) and confusion. I didn’t have a tooth brush with me, I was getting out of a minivan in front of Bedford Middle School late for homeroom with Miss Homscheid. I somehow found a Jolly Rancher in my teal LL Bean back pack (this just got way Middle Schooly) and used that to cleanse my palate.
So after some real soul searching and self-psychoanalyzing, I have decided that is why I hate tuna. Although, as I said, I will eat it if I make it myself. But now Dunkin Donuts has brought out a tuna sandwich. And they're advertising it EVERYTHING. And this is just not OK. I used to be obsessed with Dunkin Donuts, and although I still believe in their magical powers (if you haven’t had the wake up wrap or the iced tea, you are a fool) I just don’t go that much. I stopped drinking coffee. I stopped eating breakfast. I get my bagels from Lenny’s now. Whatever.
But now… Nowwwwwwww, I have the debilitating fear that if I ever order food from Dunkin Donuts it is going to be prepared with a utensil that has been cross contaminated with tuna. Ew. I was talking to a friend about this and they agreed, “I don’t want tuna anywhere near anything I would order at Dunkin Donuts”. Amen, sister.
And also, Dunkin Donuts, it’s about time for you to calm the fuck down. There is no way people are actually buying their non-breakfast food from Dunkin, is there? I mean, I think it’s weird that I’ve never tried one of their non-breakfast panini’s because I usually operate under the assumption that everything Dunkin Donuts touches turns to gold (that’s just science). And I also like experimenting with new and limited time only food. But for some reason, I was never up for wasting a full meal on a questionable panini or pizza from Dunkin.
I think if I knew someone that ordered a tuna sandwich from Dunkin Donuts I would have to stop being friends with them immediately. I just really cannot get into the mindset of anyone who would think that would socially acceptable.