Ok, I know it’s been a while. We all need a little summer vacation, am I right? But with the passage of Labor Day and summer officially drawing to a close, although you wouldn’t know it from looking at my face as it drips sweat in the subway… I've decided it's time.
I've been called a wuss, a pussy, a wimp, scaredy cat, all of those. And you know what? I am those things. Because when put into a situation where I would be called one of those names and I've submitted to the peer pressure, if you will, I've always gotten caught in the end and gotten in some sort of trouble... Lets review these instances and you can laugh at the kind of luck that a gal like me has. Luck combined with the fact that I can't act or lie, so if I ever do something against the rules it's written all over my face...
The first and only time I snuck into an R-rated move. Me and two friends tried to sneak into Something About Mary. What happened, you ask? A movie theater worker approached us, while we were siting in the theater, asked us to see our tickets, saw that they were Mask of Zorro instead of Something About Mary and asked us to leave. Disaster.
That's only the beginning. The one time I had a kegger at my house in high school somehow the cops showed up and "arrested" me. The good/pathetic part was that the keg wasn't even tapped because my guy friends are apparently idiots. I didn't get hand-cuffed, which does make it seem way less bad ass. But I got a ticket and had to go to court and my lawyer told me I was going to have to shave my head because of the lice situation in the Bridgeport jails and also get raped by other women. So there's that...
Then there's the time in high school my girlfriends and I decided to get drunk at my house during the super bowl (cause if you're a girl, the only point in watching the super bowl is to eat and get drunk of course... oh yeah, and watch commercials.) My parents came home bizarrely early from a super bowl party and walked into the family room as 6 of us were bottoms up on shots of Absolute. Whoops. My mom literally reacted like we were sitting in a circle tying each other off and shooting up heroin.
And also in high school I was the "designated driver" one weekend and my friends left a half finished case of beer in my trunk. First of all, my parents knew I wasn't a big drinker cause A. I've always been very open about that and B. I like vodka. So OBVIOUSLY as the case of 30 is in my trunk my dad decides it's the perfect time to switch out my tires for snow tires (you need all the help you can get in CT in the winter with a car originally purchased in 1985 that has rear wheel drive and one airbag). They found the beer and again, trouble for this girl.
First WEEK of college. We were drinking boxed wine in a dorm room (OBV!) and we left to go to a party, taking out solo cups with me. Within a group of 5 girls, somehow the RA only stopped me (everyone else managed to scatter and escpae, but somehow I get asked what's in my cup. Obviously I respond with "Cranberry juice" (it was red wine) and I get written up and have to go to take an alcohol awareness class my first month of college.
Then senior year my friends got drunk and stole a street sign and left it in my living room. I wasn't even out that night. But we ended up with a giant orange "Road Closed" sign in my living room for weeks. So the blinds were up one night and the campus cops saw it, came in and did a search of my entire apartment, which was actually riddled with illegal goods but luckily they were all hidden. But the cop literally picked up a salt shaker from the table and inspected it like he seriously thought I had a salt shaker full of cocaine. Like I know coke is a popular drug but really, guy? A salt shaker full of it? Do you have ANY idea how much that would cost? So somehow in this situation I got in some minor trouble for something I didn't even do and got really lucky he didn't find the real stuff. Cause that... would have been really bad.
Those are a few that stuck out in my mind. The big ones. Apparently mostly alcohol related... There are so many more insane instances like this -- me getting caught in white lies and other random scenarios that most people wouldn't think twice about. But I think all the big ones happened in high school because I've learned my lesson (kind of, but not really) and I try not to break the rules if I can avoid it.
Then, finally, a few weeks ago, I caught a break. I went with a friend to the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater for a live College Humor show. She had free tickets and as we walked by the obscenely long line outside the theater to pick up our tickets at the box office we were like "Eek! Hope we don't have to wait in that." So we asked the guy at the box office if we could just stay down there instead of going to the end of the line and he said he had to get in line.
I don't know what came over me, but I decided that we should sneak in. So we walked into the tiny theater that had just been cleared out from the previous show. On our way in someone asked us if we were on the VIP list and we just said yes and kept walking. Actually, my friend said yes and I stood there silently because I would have just said no and turned around and walked out to wait in the heinous line.
As I'm literally shaking with nerves and bewilderment that we hadn't gotten kicked out already, we walk to some chairs and what do you know... But there are four chairs taped off with my friend's last name on them! SCORE! We got sweet seats and didn't have to wait in line. FINALLY! So I wasn't really breaking the rules, since I was indeed on the list, but you get the gist.
On an unrelated note I'm exhausted today because I stayed up until 2 am last night watching Marley & Me and 500 Days of Summer last night. I don't know how this all happened, but I do know that it was my first time seeing Marley & Me and I don't think I've cried that hard since I saw Pearl Harbor in theaters. Shit was intense. Jennifer Anniston and Owen Wilson are an amazing looking couple of blondes.
On a related note I apologize to all my tens of faithful readers who I've deserted the past few months. This begins my attempt at trying to post on the semi-reg again.