Monday, July 27, 2009

Not on my watch, biatch.

Today I am going to come at you in list format with some trends that I have never fallen victim to.

Knowing already what I’m going to say about the first trend I’m going to be bashing, Goucho Pants, I know I’m going to sound like a broken record throughout this list saying either “you’re an idiot” or “you’re an asshole” about the people who wear these things. But what can I say? You do and you are.

1. Goucho Pants.
Soooooo Goucho pants. First of all, these are legit the most unflattering things ever. I don’t care how skinny you are, billowy pants that end at mid calf are not going to make you look good, they’re just not. And not only do you not look good, but you look like a total asshole (that’s 1). And if your thighs are just a hair bigger than an anorexic person’s you’re going to look like a dumpy fat ass too. That’s just how it is for this “style”… if you can even call it that.

Thankfully the Goucho pant fell back out of style a while ago, aka if you’re still wearing them, you look like an even bigger asshole (that’s 2) than before because now you are not just wearing something ugly, but it’s not even “cool” anymore (and in my opinion, never was). But I take pride in the fact that from the first day I saw these hideous twist on the Capri-pant, I had not one ounce of attraction towards them. I never so much as even tried a pair on. So maybe I’m the ONE person Goucho pants actually look good on! But I guess we’ll never know, because I’m not taking that risk. And the odds are highly stacked in favor of me looking like an idiot.

2. The headband ‘round the forehead.

You. Look. Like. An. Asshole. (that’s 3). How does that headband do anything other than make you look like an asshole (that’s 4)? It holds literally no purpose. It doesn’t hold your hair in any sort of desirable position. Oh are you a hippie? Did you go to Woodstock? Do you burn bras in effigy? Do you smoke pot and throw peace signs in pictures? Because I do, and I’m not putting a goddamn headband around my forehead.

But as opposed to no one being able to pull off ugly trend #1, this trend can be pulled off by some. For example, I don’t hate it when the Olsen twins do it, but like come on… they’re the Olsen twins. They haven’t eaten since the final episode of Full House, they've dated every good looking guy that’s out there, one of them killed Heath Ledger, and they are billionaires. So they can do what they want (except wear Goucho pants). But YOU cannot. I don’t care how alternative and cool you think you are. You look like an idiot and people shouldn’t talk to you in public if you’re wearing this trend.

And after trying to find pictures with the Olsen twins wearing headbands, these are the only two examples I've found. And you know what? She looks like an idiot.

I remember the first time I saw someone wear the headband around their head. It was sort of before it was an actual trend so I guess I give her props for that. But we were pre-gaming and I was like oh, maybe she’s just wearing it around the apartment to be goofy. And then when we exited the front door to go out to an actual public place and she didn’t take it off, I started to get suspicious. And by suspicious I mean seriously uncomfortable. If you’re talking to someone who is wearing a headband around their forehead it is virtually impossible not to stare directly at it and wonder what is going on inside the headband-clad head that made this person think that they look good.

In the headband around the forehead’s defense, I must say I like it a lot better when it rides that dangerous line between hairline and forehead, as exhibited here:

But that doesn’t mean I’m still not talking about you behind your back if I see you wearing it like that either… And you know what? I actually just changed my mind. After looking at that picture, it's not better at all.

3. Crocs.

I was really anti Crocs for a really long time. Because seriously, unless you’re a nurse, a gardener, a toddler or someone recovering from orthopedic surgery, you shouldn’t be wearing Crocs.

One day while I was hating on Crocs and saying that I don’t understand why people wear them, my guy friend, who was sporting a pair of navy blue Crocs, made me put my foot in one. And let me just say… Wow. They are seriously comfortable. They’re like walking on a cloud. But unfortunately, due to my hyper-sensitive and oddly-large big toe, my foot doesn’t fit into the Croc mold.

And I really do feel like it was for the better. It was like God was telling me that I should stick to my guns and never wear something that I had ever had so much hatred for. Thank you hyper-sensitive big toe, which I’ve hated with disdain my entire life. Thank you for finally serving a purpose. For finally contributing to the greater good of me.

Wow, spewing all this hatred has really got me tuckered out. What a Monday.

This will have to be at least a 2-part post. So tune in later this week when I uncover more trends that I never fell victim to, and maybe even some ones that I have.


David said...

Brady, if you use peace signs in a picture, i think that makes you asian. Might need to do more research on that one...

beryl said...

I am thrilled that I agree with your fashion dislikes. Although I did own one pair of gouchos in the seventies that I wore with high boots - yes, I was a fashion victim! But hey - it was the 70's.

You must admit though, crocs are adorable on little kids especially when they fill the holes with those cutie toys.

Noelle V said...

Funny b/c I'm wearing gouchos as we speak and they are veryyy comfy :)