Friday, July 24, 2009

I don't go to your job and knock the dicks out of your mouth.

I know… I know. It’s been like 3 weeks. Sorry, I’ve just been really busy mourning the death of Michael Jackson. And by mourning the death of Michael Jackson I mean celebrating the freedom of little formerly molested boys everywhere… Too soon? Don’t care!

Speaking of MJ, the latest MJ joke I heard, which was yesterday, courtesy of my roommate's boss, goes a little something like this: What are Farrah Fawcet and Michael Jackson getting for Christmas? Patrick Swayze. AH! How awful is that!? It’s actually not even an MJ joke, it’s more of a Patrick Swayze joke. And I’m not sure if you can call it a joke if you’re just making fun of the fact that someone who has a terminal illness is going to die. Oh well.

I’ve also been in a slight depression because of what’s going on with TV right now. There are like no new sitcoms on and after I watch my nightly ep of Chelsea Lately I’ve got nothing else to do. It’s depressing. Actually, they played the series finale of Samantha Who? last night and Better off Ted has had new episodes, but I’m the only person in the world who watches those. Oh and D-List is new. So that's good.

This week I decided to take matters into my own hands and try out some new shows. But the only kind of new shows that are on are reality. So I bit the bullet and went for it. And I fear I have been bitten by the reality bug, because what I saw, I could not get enough of. Lets go through my reality parameters for a hot sec. The only, ONLY, competition reality show I will watch is Project Runway, which I lovingly refer to as Projy Run. I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before, but if not, I will tell you know, I have a debilitating fear that the switch to LA and Lifetime is going to TOTALLY ruin Project Runway. It’s one of those fears that keep me awake at night.

Anyway, I’m not trying to portray myself as some kind of high-society-snooty biatch when it comes to competition reality shows, but I really feel like that kind of TV is beneath me. When I lived in London I was really into Big Brother… And a couple years back I did watch I Love New York (The Entertainer’s mom was coincidentally at my birthday party last year. No biggie.)

But other than that, all of the VH1 and Bravo competition shows are just not of any interest to me (Rock of Love, Daisy of Love, Charm School, etc.) I must say I’m looking forward to Real Chance of Love 2 just because I have a huge crush on Chance and am pretty pissed I missed season 1 of that show.

And let me take a quick minute to explain why I can’t watch Top Chef even though everyone else in the whole goddamn world is obsessed with it. Perhaps I’m the only fat person I know, but I’m sorry, I cannot watch anything about food on TV. Commercials for Pizza Hut (soon to be The Hut) alone have me running to my phone and bbm-ing five people about a new pizza I just saw and asking when we can go get it. Like… that’s not normal or OK or socially acceptable.

Last week my friend Pickles sent me this link at like 11am: The Burger Register: New York’s 82 Most Notable Burgers. Even going to that now to insert the link here, had me foaming at the mouth. And you know what? That’s not a pleasant feeling. It’s like a cock-tease to my salivary glands. That sounds like really dirty. But I’m keeping it in.

I seem to have blended the line between TV and food. But I’ll say one last thing about food, which is TV related, and then move back to reality TV: I love food and I love TV but I feel the two are mutually exclusive. I don’t want food on my TV or TV on my food but I do love watching TV while I am eating food. Got it!? Great.

Lets start off with Tuesday night, which is when I discovered my first new favorite show, Miami Social. It’s on Bravo and it’s sooooo stupid. And yet amazing. It’s about an extended group of friends, including a divorced couple who live in the same building, gay guys up a storm, lavish parties, one couple who is mid-divorce, and people who own tiny dogs. I don’t think that’s a very good description at all, but I don’t know what else to say. It’s just a reality show about these people’s lives and how they all interact and love each other and hate each other and get drunk and spend an absurd amount of money. And since it’s in Miami, a bunch of the people have accents. So that’s amusing.

Also, I’ve always had this view of Miami guys of being totally disgusting and not anything I would ever touch with a 10-foot pole, which I still believe to be true, but the straight guys on this show are hot. There's something about the way they talk (only one of them has an accent, so that’s not what’s drawing me in) that is really attractive and they’re all tall and nice and hot. Tall, dark and handsome. Anyway, if I wasn’t attracted to the guys on the show I probably would have stopped watching it after the first 5 minutes instead of signing my DVR up for a season pass, COUNT IT.

Next, On Wednesday night I was surfing the channel guide late night and saw The T.O Show on VH1. I’ve heard about T.O. and his drama somewhat, but I knew nothing about him and have never even seen him. This show is gold. It starts off with T.O. being depressed in his Miami apartment (he should have hung out with the crew from Miami social!) because he had just gotten cut from the Cowboys and it ends with him making out with an Asian Real Estate broker in a hot tub in his new house in L.A. Yup. Actually technically it ends with him in his ex-fiance’s (who is GORGEOUS, btw) apartment basically asking her to get back together with him. But like, big surprise, you're a professional athlete that got dumped because he cheated. Way to be original.

For someone like T.O. I think this show is a good thing. The tag line in the print ads are genius, “You love him. You hate him. But you don’t even know him.” Something like that. And it’s just fun to see him with these two girls who he’s known forever, who are now his publicists, who convince him to move to LA in his off season so he can be close to them and they can work on the non-football side of his career. They have a strange dynamic, but I like it. They arrive in Miami with the mantra “The plan is working on the man… not the football player” and they refer to him as two different people, Terrell (pronounced Taryl, which I love) and T.O.

They love Terrell and Terrell is their best friend but not superstar T.O. They are also rude to girls he flirts with and whatever, but they love his ex-fiance. I was talking with someone about this last night and they were like "those girls are in love with him". But I object. They treat him like a brother, they are protective and they don't want him around skanks that they have to hang around because of him.

It’s a fun dynamic and I’m excited to see the season progress. And it works well for me because since I am not in touch with the football scene at all everything that happens with/to T.O. on the show is a total surprise to me, so that’s nice.

Ok… I think that’s enough for today. I know this is really long but come on, I had 3 weeks of pent up nonsense to spew!!!!!!!!!!

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