Thursday, September 10, 2009

Men like you are the reason I left Finland.

I can’t deal with cell phone ringing anymore. Come on people. This is fucking 2009. Get with it. It’s not 1999. Get the fuck out of here with your Nokia ring tone. Or any ring tone at all.

In my mind it is completely barbaric to have your phone on anything but vibrate in most situations.

Par example- Yesterday I was waiting in line at the Post Office. It actually wasn’t that bad, maybe I was just in a good mood or something, but I saw that line snake around the ropes three times and I was like “Good.” I saddled up, whipped out my Blackberry and starting BBM-ing nonsense to anyone and everyone. It’s really a phenomenal way to pass time.

In front of me was a strangely sporty man. I somehow didn’t ever see his face, but he was wearing board shorts, a t-shirt, a white hat, shower-sandal-type sandals (like athletes wear), and had one of those like nylon athlete backpack things with the strings as straps (to the right, to the right, everything you own in the sackpack to the right). But was completely bald. Literally not a hair poked out from his hat anywhere. And a hat only covers like the top half of the back of your head, so I could see half of his hairless head. I assume he shaved it. Maybe he was a swimmer, I don’t know.

So his phone starts ringing. Fine. That’s fine. Everyone has cell phones, they ring, that’s life. His ring tone was annoying as shit. I was listening to it thinking about how I couldn’t wait to write about it and just wishing I could memorize the ring tone so I could find it online somewhere so you all could hear it too. Alas, I forgot the sound the second I exited the Post Office. But it was one of those high-pitched ones. Not like crazy-annoying-dog-whistle high pitch, just higher than normal and more annoying than normal.

Instead of keeping his phone in his front pocket, like a normal man (breast pocket would also be acceptable, but that does not apply in this situation), this guy had it in like a back/side cargo pocket of his bizarre red board shorts. So he waits a couple of seconds once the phone starts ringing, then he reaches down to his low-side-back-cargo-pocket, pulls the Velcro apart to open the pocket, takes the phone out, looks at who’s calling him, opens the phone, keeps looking at it, seemingly confused and astounded that anyone is even calling him, then presses the button to answer. I think the phone rang for, no joke, at least 20 seconds.

This is completely inexcusable and socially unacceptable. It’s one thing if you’re a woman and you have a huge Mary-Kate-Olsen bag so that you can hold it in front of your stomach or to project an image of general smallness of yourself in contrast to your giant oversized bag, and you’re rummaging through it while your face turns bright red because everyone is staring at you and you’re sooooo embarrassed that your phone’s been ringing for more than 5 seconds. I identify greatly with that situation. But for men, your phone is always in your pocket. If it ring, just reach in there and get it. This process should take approximately 3 seconds if at least one of your hands is free.

But then this guy’s phone rings again. And this time it happens when the line is moving forward a little bit. And he’s reading a book and his backpack is on the floor a little behind him. So it’s ringing, he flips the page of his book, it’s ringing, he looks down for his back pack, it’s ringing, reaches back with his foot and pushes it forward so it can be in front of him in line, more ringing, he moves up in line a little bit, ringing, THEN he reaches back to the Velcro side back freakish drug-stash pocket to get the phone out.

At this point it must have been ringing for 40 seconds. I think there was steam blowing out of my ears in the manner of an angry cartoon character, because he kept moving in slow motion and fumbling in the tiny pocket for the phone before finally extracting it and answering it.

And that’s when I decided I had to take a stance. Yes, I have a ring tone, and Yes, it’s the song Paper Planes by MIA. But I haven’t used it in public in forevs. Because it’s rude. It’s inappropriate. It’s bothersome to others. I’ve started putting my ring tone on recently but only when I’m in my apartment because the doorman calls up to me on my cell phone, because apparently I moved apartments and now I live in the future.

Moral of the story: If your phone makes any sort of noise it should either be pleasurable to my ears or make me laugh. If it doesn't meet that criteria, put your phone on vibrate and shut the fuck up.

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