Thursday, October 29, 2009

Sorry Boo, Strike Two

Can we talk about The Hills for a second? I’ve been dying to talk about The Hills all day. The Hills. Is. Awesome.

Warning: If you don't watch The Hills, you are not going to understand any of this insanely long ramble. And also, I don't like you.

Ok, the season opened weak. It’s a point I will concede, easily. But what The Hills came back with after that weak season opener, really just blew my socks off. I understand why people stopped watching after the first episode, but everyone's allowed to have an off episode. Give it another chance! My roommate stopped after the first episode. And The Hills was like one of our things. We have more than a few of those… But every Monday at 10pm we sat in front of the TV and sang the entire “Feel the Rain on Your Skin!” song together as the show begun. It was glorious.

So word around the water cooler (aka Gchat since I work alone) is that The Hills viewership is down by a third this season. And you know what? That’s ridiculous. As much as I love Lauren Conrad, more than almost everyone in the world probably, I am also willing to admit that she is a wet blanket. I don’t know why I’m so in love with her, maybe it’s because she’s perfect in every way other than her personality, but I always have been and always will be team Conrad.

That being said, Kristin Cavallari is awesome. She doesn’t give a SHIT. I mean it’s totally different than Lauren Conrad. And I guess that’s what most people’s problem is, which is strange because I didn’t think anyone else liked her…

Kristin made Justin-Bobby come to life. I don't know how it happened, but like all of a sudden Justin-Bobby talks and is animated. It's great! It makes him even more of a sexual deviant than he already was. Because I don't care how bizarre he his, he's still hot.

And Apparently Staci the bartender is a cast member now? I looooove slash hate how The Hills just adds characters at random and we're expected to just accept them as part of the crew now. I guess that's how things go in fake reality TV.

Kristin talks in interviews about how she will do whatever the producers tell her. She lies to no one. Her life is an open book, just like mine. I think we’re kindred spirits. Maybe even sisters. If someone asks her if the show is fake she just talks about how ridiculously fake it is. But you have to respect her for that. She literally told the LA Times: "It's just so...fake. There's no truth to it. At all."

If Audrina wants to still pretend like the show is real when it is like SOOOOOO obviously the fakest most scripted thing everrrrrrrr then I feel like she’s insulting my intelligence. And if there is one person who shouldn’t be insulting anyone’s intelligence, on this earth, it is Audrina Patridge.

At one point, last season, Audrina lightened her hair considerably and somehow became like 100 times prettier.
I really don't know how the perfect shade of brown (which is now almost blonde) can change someone’s general appearance so much. But it really is the perfect shade of brown. My hair color is one of my favorite aspects about myself but I think if I could get that color I might just go for it. It's insane.

Even though her body was crazy before and still is, she just wasn't that great in my eyes. But now she is good to go. Except for her extra large back of the neck tatoo. Get a life, loser.

And PS KCavs looks sooooo much better with less make up. It's insanity. Literally, they put too much make up on her sometimes and it just doesn't look right. She's just so cool. I love everything about her.

Although the conversation Kristin had with her dad on last week's episode was really awkward. First of all, he lives in a Conrad-style mansion now. When they were filming Laguna Beach he basically lived in a trailer. Ok, that's an exaggeration, but he lived in a teeny tiny house and now he has this crazy water-front property. Someone address this please. Does MTV just rent a house to film at? Does he live there? I want to know!!!!! I mean at the end of Laguna he bought Kristin an X5, there's no way MTV didn't pay for some or all of that bad boy. No. Way.

I don't know what the fuck Heidi and Spencer are supposed to do with themselves now that there is no drama between them and Lauren, because I think that was like half of their personalities. Now, every episode is Heidi babysitting for Enzo and Spencer coming home and talking to an 8 year old as if he is a moron instead of a child. The whole thing is so retarded I want to scream. Heidi and Spencer are so irrelevant at this point it's a joke. Waste of my time. I don't even like hating them anymore. I used to have that. But now I want nothing to do with them.

The big thing they're involved in now is solving Holly's drinking problem. WHOA, HOW HAVE I NOT TALKED ABOUT STEPHANIE PRATT YET!?!?!? I just blacked in the fact that she existed and that she has a RAGING eating disorder this season. I borrow a phrase from Tina Fey when I say, "What the what?"

Stephanie Pratt's face looks as though it has been molded from plastic and then was left out in the scorching sun for days. Her face looks melted and bizarre. Her lips aren't even on her face half the time, she's a total Salvador Dali meets Picasso. I don't know what is where and nothing is in its correct form.

I can't seem to find a picture of her that really shows this new face that looks like it has been butchered like a plastic surgeon, but you should watch the show to see it in action. It's also how she acts. She was always a moron, but I think the plastic surgery and lack of food intake has pushed her over the edge. She is like totally spaced out all the time and nothing she says makes any sense. It's kind of hilariously awesome. She's probably on Meth again, no biggie.

I would like to encourage everyone that abandoned The Hills to come back. It’s fun over here. I could talk about these people for hours. It never ceases to amuse me and make my Tuesday nights infinitely better (what was up with the change in days, btw?).

I don’t see The Hills coming to an end because of this dramatic loss in viewers, because it’s still MTV’s second-highest-rated show and also number one in it’s time slot in all of television. So eliminating it all together would be a poor choice.

But if Kristin leaves, there could be problems, and by problems I mean I will definitely stop watching. That’s how Laguna stopped being good, that’s for sure.

And the question remains, when will I get Lauren Conrad back in my life!? I bought her book the day it came out… I mean, I pre-ordered it on Amazon and they sent it to me right away. And I read it in three days. I’m not even kidding. It was horrible but I loved every word. I can’t even wait for another book, show or movie. I want it now!!!!

Most sexual couple everrrrrr!!!!!!

Wow, Kyle Howard with facial hair? I will absolutely do it.

When I was younger I hated hated hated facial hair. It scared me a little, but I also just didn't find it attractive at all and it boggled my mind why any man would want to look like that. Well, someone has changed my mind about this. I used to think it was someone I knew who turned me on to facial hair. But then I realized I first became enamored with facial hair from the one and only, Jeremy Sisto. Of Clueless, 6 Feet Under and Law & Order fame. It happened just over a year ago with his premiere on Law & Order. He has changed me, and for that, I thank him... And keep him as my "religious views" on my Facebook profile.


Jessica said...

1. I didn't know how upset it made you that I didn't watch The Hills anymore. Please dvr the whole series and I will get caught up to reignite the flame. Though nothing is better then screaming Feel the Rain on Your Skin!
2. I enjoyed your art reference.
3. You have an uncanny ability to constantly insert Jeremy Sisto into every day conversation - Detective Cyrus Lupo for life.

That's all, thanks.

Ali said...

I totally ditched The Hills this season, but after reading that masterpiece I am so back on! Once I get cable in my new apt, that is.
I share the same feelings about facial hair as you, Brad. It used to make me sick, but now, I pretty much love the 5 o'clock shadow on anyone. The only problem that arises from facial hair is an extened make-out sesh with someone who has it. Or a mustache, I just cant get behind that, too serial killer for my taste.

Brady said...

Wow. What fab-u-lash comments from both of you.

Jessica - 1.I know. I hid those feeling from you. But I am excited for you to get back into it so we can sing Natasha Bedingfield forever. 2. I enjoyed my art reference too, and was really proud of myself for coming up with it, because I think it's pretty accurate. 3. Sisto 4lyf.

Alexis- I'm glad I have convinced you to jump back on this band wagon. And 5 o'clock shadows are life. The rest is just details. I like the skin iritation that comes from a make-out sesh with a 5 o'clock shadowed man. It's like a battle wound. Mustache's will never be OK, unless you are molesting a child, then it's kind of a must.

Brooklynfluff said...

I don't care how bad The Hills gets, I'll still watch. It's called brand loyalty, gawd! But can we please talk about how Bat Mitzvah dancing=raging alcoholic? Everyone knows Stephanie is the resident fuck up, not Holly. How about the cast sits her down and tells her she's addicted to lip fillers?