Thursday, December 3, 2009

I will eat a bowl of cherries and some ghost meat in his honor.

I can't deal with elevators anymore. I think the only place I'd rather be less than in an elevator is in a taxi. I have some really strange stories of things that taxi drivers have done while I've been the back seat. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Me doing inappropriate things in the back seat while they drive and pretend not to notice what’s going on? Well, not this girl. But we’ll save my trials and tribulations with taxi drivers for another day and focus on my elevator issues today.

My office building is actually an old rich people's apartment building. And these people take security so seriously it's bizarre. There is an elevator man in one of the elevators and the other elevator is controlled by the guy who works behind the front desk. You can’t hit any buttons in that elevator other than Lobby, he has to hit them from behind the desk. It’s like being trapped in a steal case of emotions.

I hate being in elevators with other people in general. It’s an awkward social situation and I’m just too awkward to handle it. Where do you look? Is it rude to keep your iPod on? Where do you stand? If you’re on the phone do you absolutely have to hang up? Is it rude to text? These are the things that race through my head when I’m in the elevator with a random person.

My issue at work is that usually I’m in the elevator with the elevator man. I’m sorry, I’m just not the kind of person who strikes up random conversations with people. I can’t talk nonsense at my friends for hours upon hours, but if you’re standing in an elevator with me I don’t know what to talk to you about.

The weather is an obvious choice. And although people make jabs about talking about the weather, it really is a conversation topic that I enjoy. I don’t know, maybe I was a meteorologist in a former life, but I always find it interesting enough. It’s always changing, so why not talk about it? Am I right?

But if you’re seeing someone in an elevator every day, you can’t talk about the weather every day, that’s insulting. The weather conversation can happen once a week, maximum, unless there is some seriously crazy extreme weather conditions going on. Like unless I’m Dorothy in the Wizard of OZ and a tornado has transported me to an alternate universe, weather should not be discussed more than once a week.

Other than that, I don’t know what to say. So usually it’s silent for 15-30 seconds. If I’m lucky there’s another person in there with us, in which case it’s more socially acceptable to just be silent. For guys this dead time is easy, because they usually talk about sports. But I could give two dicks about sports. I mean, it was exciting when the Yankees won but I didn’t bring it up with my elevator man.

I think that’s all I got. I’ll be funnier next time.

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