Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Paul Newman's half Jewish, Goldie Hawn's half too. Put them together, what a fine lookin' Jew!
Ok, so first of all, lets discuss Jews with trees. That’s right, I say “Jews with trees” like you should know EXACTLY what I’m talking about. And you should. I’m talking about Jews who have Christmas trees in their homes/apartments/2nd homes, whatever.
I find this repugnant. It’s ridiculous enough that Christian people have Christmas trees in their home, since the tradition of a Christmas tree has little to zero religious significance (or so I’ve heard). Which, in a way, if I were to really think about it, the lacking of actual religious significance of the Christmas tree might make it more acceptable for Jews to have them. But still. It’s not.
Jews with trees are pathetic. Oh, you feel left out of a religious holiday so you just decide to join in with the fun? No. That’s sad and your parents probably told you to just do whatever the cool kids in school were doing and you’d be fine. Yeah, if someone else jumps off a bridge you totally should too. IDIOTS. If you want to celebrate Christmas, go do it with a Christian.
That’s something I don’t have a problem with. If your Christ-loving friend wants to have you over for eggnog and snuggling under the covers while you wait for the sound of reindeer hooves from above, that’s totally fine. You should do that. But creating a Christmas of your own is blasphemous and the Maccabees are spitting on you from the grave. Unless you do believe that Jesus is the lord and savior, in which case, get the hell out of Judaism, we don’t want you here.
But Hanukka. Oh, sweet Hanukkah. What is better than a holiday where you get presents 8 nights in a row? Answer: NOTHING! And the food? THE FOOD! First of all, I really should start eating latkes year round. You can really dip a latke in anything, which is one of the many reasons it’s so great: versatility, baby. But the main reason is that if you fry a potato you really can’t go wrong.
The traditional latke dips are applesauce and sour cream. I’ve never really gotten the applesauce thing, it has always kind of grossed me out. But I will do a dip or two in sour cream. Since childhood I’ve eaten my latkes with ketchup, because what is a latke if not a giant flattened French fry?
The downfall of Hanukkah? No Hanukkah music. I don’t really consider this a downfall although I think many of my Jesus-loving friends would. I mean we have the three Adam Sandler songs, and you know what? I’m OK with it. It totally goes with Hanukkah’s whole under-the-radar vibe. We’re not trying to shove it in your face (cough cough Christmas), we’re just trying to make a holiday where we get presents too, cause everyone needs presents…
I like Christmas music as much as the next guy. It’s fun, it gets you in the mood, whatever. But by the time Christmas actually rolls around I think most people (or just me?) are about ready to claw out their own eardrums at the very mentions of “Simply having a wonderful Christmastime”. I mean I love the *NSYNC Christmas music but after a month straight it gets to be a little much. I think to remedy this stores should play a mix of normal and Christmas music. Like make every OTHER song a Christmas song instead of Christmas songs around the clock. I’m asking for a little moderation here, people.
In conclusion: Drink your gin and tonica, and smoke your marijuanica.