Wednesday, April 29, 2009

No One Else Can Feel It For You

I'm sorry. I just don't think I gave The Hills as much attention as it deserves in my post the other week. Maybe I should start doing a weekly review of The Hills because I really could talk about it all day long. Without passing Go or collecting $200. But I would prefer collecting $200. Thanks. AND YOU MUST BE THE MONOPOLY GUYYYYY. I have tourette's, esp when I type. Don't worry about it, it's fine.

So on The Hills episode this Monday, if only I had written this in a more timely manner so that I could have posted a nice "day-after" review. But no. Lets start this off by saying I just chugged a beer because I have to work until 10 tonight so I can answer phones for a radio show called "Talking Metal", interviews and music that are all strictly heavy metal... The phone calls are all pre-planned. And it's one phone. One line, on one phone. AWESOME. This is totally the same setup as z100 and Hot 97. But they did give me free pizza and beer. So I guess they are forgiven. If someone brutally murdered my family and friends and then bought me pizza and beer I'd probably forgive them. And I don't even like beer.

And I'm basically getting paid to eat pizza, drink beer, blog, listen to heavy metal (that's a con, but whatever) and answer the phone approximately 5 times over a 3-hour period. Maybe I'm living the dream. Maybe this is it!. If I was high and in my bed AND watching my DVR while doing all of this it really would be living the dream. So close, yet so far.

But back to the most genius show on television. The Hills. This week Spencer's flesh colored beard was in full force. If Spencer changed the style of his flesh colored mustache (pronounced moo-stash and in a French accent, of course) to a handle-bar mustache I might have to switch from hating him to liking him. But a Hitler-esq toothbrush mustache would be the most appropriate for everything Spencer Pratt stands for. Soooooooo, Spencer met and hung out with Heidi's ex-boyfriend, Colby, who was visiting LA with his girlfriend and is a bible thumper. I understand that Spencer, a 24 year old in LA with no job who drives a BMW has never met such religious freaks. As someone who went to school in the capital of the confederacy I have definitely met and known people who are highly religious, especially in comparison to how people rock it in the blue states.

Spencer was being his usual douchey self, and instead of being really interested and intrigued at how Colby and his girlfriend live their lives (separate hotel rooms), he was seriously appalled. I mean, he could have been ruder about it, but it was still pretty awkward, as all of Spencer-Pratt-to-actual-human interactions are. Making comments left and right about how he doesn't understand how they could wait until marriage until they have sex. The fact that Spencer Pratt has ever had sex in his life is really a testament to how pathetic the human race is. There are zero redeeming qualities to Spencer Pratt. Zee-RO. It would be one thing if he was an attractive douche. But he is not.

The big news on this week's episode is that Brody and Audrina hooked up. THIS. IS. HUGE. But The Hills, aka Adam Divello, managed to pull this one off in like the most awkward way possible. I'm sorry, but in real life if you hook up with Brody Jenner you: A. Talk about it non-stop for the rest of your life 2. Never leave his bed and C. Fake a pregnancy and make him marry you. DUH. But the post-Brody hookup was SOOOOO awkward to talk about in the girl's hotel room in Hawaii. Audrina was like "yeah, I slept in Brody's room" awkward glance here, awkward glance there, staring into space, weird mouth movement, and scene. LIke... no. The first question is "Did you have sex?" and the answer is obviously YES, so I guess it is understandable that that one wasn't asked. But come on. I need details. Dear Audrina, How big is Brody's penis? Love, Brady. That isn't even the one question I would ask if given the chance, but it seems the most appropriate. But it is my theory that no one ever outright talks about hookups because these hookups don’t actually ever happen…. Because the show is downright fake.

Furthermore, who crashes boy's weekend? That is inexcusable unless you bring girls with you who with fuck every boy on boy's weekend, no questions asked. But the only one who got laid was Brody, and that's pretty much a given for everywhere Brody goes, so nothing new there. But when Lauren wore her jean shorts and flannel shirt as she arrived in Hawaii to crash the party I screamed, "I WANT TO BE HER!" like 7 times. I'm sorry, but other than her wet-blanket personality, her bizzarely tan upper-lip/mustache area, her awful flop of a clothing line and the fact that she's famous because of a reality TV show, Lauren Conrad is my idol.

But WHAT is up with Lauren and Brody? Like when they were hooking up we never really knew if they were hooking up or not. And was she mad or annoyed at Audrina? And when Lauren and Brody go out to dinner together, does Brody pay? Or does MTV pay? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

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