Thursday, April 30, 2009

Sticking it to the man.

I love Sticking it to the man. I’ve always thought I was born in the wrong time period, and this is just another fact about me that supports that theory. When I watch “That 70’s Show” and Hyde (aka Danny Masterson aka HOTNESS) talks about sticking it to the man, it is SUCH a turn on. He can stick it to me any day, any time. But now that I work in an apartment with a man, it is less easy for me to stick it to the man on a daily basis, as working for a big company makes it easy to stick it to the man numerous times a day, but I still find ways:

Taking the subway to JFK – Taking the subway to JFK is the best feeling in the world. Oh, you want me to pay $60 for a cab ride to JFK to catch my JetBlue flight that only cost $52? GO FUCK YOURSELF. I don’t know who thought it would OK to charge such a ridiculously exorbitant amount to get to the airport, but it’s rude. So I catch the E train and I ride it long and I ride it hard (that’s what she said) and I switch over to the AirTrain at Jamaica Station and I pay a total of $7 for this ride. And it doesn’t even take that long. Maybe it’s the Jew in me, but I am more than willing to add 20 minutes to my trip in order to save $53. Saving money is a high and I am addicted to it. The Recession is my playground. But sometimes I get a tinge of guilt because am I really sticking it to the man by doing this? It’s more like sticking it to the foreign cab driver that may or may not have been a doctor, judge or priest in his country of origin. Oh well, welcome to America.

Sample Sale / Regular Sales – Oh hey J.Crew, you want to charge me $60 for a pair of shorts that go on sale on your website a week later for $30? Thanks but no thanks. Paying full price for clothes is for amateurs. ESPECIALLY at my favorite place in the world, J.Crew. Obviously if we’re talking about F21 or H&M, yes, full price at those places is the equivalent to a sale somewhere else and “sale” at those places is like the dirtiest grossest discarded clothes ever. But at places like Saks, Bloomingdales, J.Crew and wherever else people shop, full price is sooooooooo over priced that I scoff at every price tag and point and laugh at the people who pay full price. Full price is ONLY acceptable if you fall head-over-heels in love with something – like boots you are going to wear EVERY DAY for the rest of your life, like that kind of purchase. Sample sales are also as good as heroin in my book. I will go hog-wild in a sample sale. Picking up EVERY SINGLE piece of clothing that I find in my size and trying it on and possibly even buying it even though I don’t like it but it’s just SOOOO cheap, how could I not?!?

Stealing Splenda/Ketchup
– I’m not going to lie, I do this all the time, I especially love places that make it easier for me to do this. A prime example being Dunkin Donuts, even though I don’t really want to steal from them, because they do God’s work. But they are a massive chain and they probably have more money than I do, so when I take a handful of Splenda and a handful of ketchup and throw it in my purse, just go with it. The best feeling ever is being in a situation where you desperately need ketchup and being able to say “Oh, I think I might have some in my bag…” And then actually having ketchup packets in your bag… Ok, this only happened to me once and it was at the Kip’s Bay movie theater the first and only time I’ve ever gotten French fries there when my roommate and I went to see “P.S. I Love You”. It was a trip to the movies will (and does) live in infamy. Also, where Splenda is concerned, if your product is going to give me cancer, I’m not going to pay for it. I’m still going to use it, but it’s going to be free. K thanks.

Not paying for postage
– My roommate’s company does not let this fly. She used to try to send our bills in through her work and they started sending them back to her. This is an anomaly, but this is something I am able to do because I work at a small company, aka in an apartment with a man, instead of for a conglomerate. But I stick our bills in the postage meter here and send them along with the rest of the work-related bills I send out. It’s great. This instance is more like sticking it to "small business" which is like the opposite of sticking it to the man. Oops.

Bringing a flask
– I know. I know. This is so dirty and cheap and gross and something that makes me think of people from Long Island/New Jersey. And I’ve only done it a few times, and it wasn’t even to save money, honestly, it was to avoid waiting in a horde or drunk annoying people in order to get a drink. Why should the bartender decide when I get to drink? I’ll refill my drink when I want and where I want (and by “where I want” I mean under a table so no one sees). The fact that you’re screwing over the bar, which is most definitely over charging you for watered down drinks, is really just a plus in this scenario.

20% off coupons for Bed, Bath and Beyond
- If you’re buying anything that costs more than $20 from Bed, Bath and Beyond you HAVE to use the 20% off coupon. I think both my grandma and my mom have drawers full of these things. They really come in handy when you’re going for a pricier item. And they say they expire… but they don’t.

First Aid Cabinet
– At my old job we had a LOADED first aid cabinet. I’m talking eye drops, pepto, band aids, q-tips, advil, cough drops. You name it, we had it. I didn’t buy band-aids for a year. It was awesome.

This post ended up being kind of weird. Oh well, they can’t all be winners.


dontgetsentimental said...

I'm from Long Island, but I'll let it slide because I would bring a flask too.

mikedeb said...

hahahahah i love ALL of this