Thursday, August 20, 2009

A Moral Quandary

Let me just say: I hate Giuliana Rancic. I hate her with the fire of a thousand suns. I hate her hair. I hate her spray tan. I hate how she looks like this girl who was in my sorority who I also hate. I hate her airbrushed/spray-tanned cleavage. I hate her hair color. I hate her hair texture. I hate the way she parts her hair. I hate her voice. I hate her personality. I hate her alien/bug-like features. I hate the questions she asks when interviewing. I hate her nose. I hate the shape of her head. I hate her mouth. I hate her style. I hate her clothes. I hate everything she stands for…

But she said “whatevs” in her interview on Chelsea the other night so now I’m having second thoughts. Really? That’s all it took? Yup. She made fun of Seacrest too. Fuck. And not just a general poking fun at, she made fun of his height. Compared him to Chuy. That is good stuff. You have no idea the inner turmoil I’m going through right now.

My entire world has been turned upside down. Black is white. Up is down. Giuliana has her own reality show and I actually am dying to see it. Even now, I’m typing these words and they’re not really making sense to me, but I know it’s how I feel in my heart. My heart which beats soley for TV and the excitement of seeing a new show and deciding if I like it or not. And usually knowing before I see it if I'm going to like it or not. And I'm going to like this.

I’ve heard Giuliana and Bill is going to be good. And when I say “I heard” I mean I saw a preview and said “That looks kind of good” and my roommate said, “I’ve heard it’s good”. So that’s me hearing that it’s good.

The clip they showed on Chelsea Lately before the Giuliana and Bill joint interview was pretty funny. It was of them moving into their new house and Giuliana screaming for Bill to come into the basement:

Bill: What?
Giuliana: I think this Barka lounger is broken
Bill: That is not an emergency. We have 14 moving men upstairs right now.
Giuliana: Will you just sit in it? I think it’s broken.
Bill: No. That is not an emergency I have to go back upstairs. We’ll deal with this later.
Giuliana: Just sit in it!
Bill: No.
Giuliana: Please! Just sit in it for two seconds and try it.
Bill: Jesus (sits in chair, pushes back and the chair goes back fine).
Giuliana: How’d you do that????

It’s almost like a smarter version of Newlyweds. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, calling Giuliana smart. I’m just saying she’s not as dumb as Jessica Simpson, but neither is dried mud and grass stuck to the bottom of my boot heels from last winter.

And the show’s on Style Network? Is that real? Is that legal? I didn’t know Giuliana DePandi Rancic's face was allowed to appear anywhere other than E!. Seriously. I was like 90 % sure (and still kind of am) that she is contractually obligated to appear only on E!. I almost think my TV is going to break if I see her face on a channel other than E! because the airwaves just aren’t equipped for her to break out of that bubble yet. But my TV also might break when I see her face on it because I get the urge to throw something at the TV when I look lovingly at it and see those bug-eyes staring back at me. Oh don't worry, just saw that Style Network is a sister network of E!. Phew, I thought my gut had been wrong, I should have known better than to second guess myself when it comes to TV.

The other thing that is really throwing me for a loop is that Chelsea seems to like Giuliana and Bill. I mean fine, like Bill, but if Chelsea fucking Handler legitimately likes Giuliana then there’s no way I won’t. It’s science.

Holy shit. I just googled them. Did you know that they met because he won The Apprentice and she interviewed him and they fell in love!? What??? I am shocked. I had no idea. I was under the impression that he was a quiet/shy guy that wasn’t into that scene. Guess I was wrong. It makes way more sense this way, because I didn’t understand how a quiet/shy guy could be into Giuliana DePandi. I didn’t get how any guy could be into Giuliana DePandi. Still don’t. But I’m way excited for this show to enlighten me.

In closing, I hope you will join me in this funky adventure on the Style Network Wednesdays at 9. I think you can already watch like full episodes of it on Style Network's website, but I'm waiting for the big screen. I would tell you what channel Style Network is, but I have no idea.


Stephen said...

Bill is hhhooooot. But that show is REALLY stupid, I tried watching it the other day and was dumber by the end of it.

Jennifer Budinger said...
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