Friday, August 28, 2009

What? LIke it's hard?

Ok, so I don’t know how I missed this (yes I do, I’ve been in the process of moving and haven’t watched TV in a week. Yes, a whole week. I know, I feel dead on the inside…) but apparently Heidi performed at Miss Universe… Really? Who put this show together and legitimately thought, “Hmm, we need to fill 3 minutes here… I wonder if we can get Heidi Montag!?!?!?”

Well thank god they did, because this is really showcasing how pathetic Heidi is. Yeah, fine, say you have 20-30 orgasms a day. Things like that are just talk. I don't believe it and there's no way to prove it. So whatever. But Heidi has officially put her money where her mouth is with this performance. This is no longer just annoying tweens who watch MTV (and me) talking about Heidi, she’s somehow made an actual entrance into the scene. And it’s incredible.

Lets dissect this performance for a bit, shall we?

Maybe I’ll start off being nice. That would be an interesting change of pace, wouldn’t it? Ok, here it goes: She looks great. I mean her legs look retardedly stumpy (whoopsie, so much for being nice), but her face and body and hair are kind of unbelievable. Maybe the plastic has finally settled, and softened into a more humanlike façade. I think that might be what it is. But whatever, I saw her and I was like whoa, she looks great.

Ok, now we have negative commentary. Here’s where I get to sink my teeth in. First we have the signing. Like it’s one thing to lip synch. Fine, I get it. I’m sure it’s not easy to sing while running around a stage and dancing. But like at least make the lip synching sound like someone’s actually singing it. The music is all so mechanized that there’s no point in even having her pretend like she’s singing it, because she is definitely and positively not. Human voice doesn’t sound like that, sorry.

Next we have the dancing. Oooooohoho, the dancing. Her moves are reminiscent to my 8th grade performance in the Bedford Bistro, aka my middle school’s talent show. Let’s get something straight first, I don’t pretend like I’m a good dancer. I’d much rather dance really spazzy and laugh at myself and have other people laugh at me then attempt to do any sort of sexy move out on the d-floor, because that would be highly embarrassing. My latest dance move is called the hula hoop and it consists of pretending like you have a hula hoop around your waist.

But this is the definition of someone who really thinks they look good at what they're doing. And maybe it's not her fault. She has Spencer in her ear telling her she looks great and is doing great every step of the way. So that's probably part of it. But it also reminds me of a bunch of middle schoolers busting out some moves that a high school cheerleader taught them and legitimately believing they're hot shit. Especially when you see Heidi's moves in contrast with those of her backup dancers, who can actually dance.

Heidi is really trying to be a seductress in this performance, can I even call it that? And if you were just looking at her face, you would totally be seduced. But you're not. Her moves are atrocious. Seriously, Britney Spears’ moves take a sloppy shit on Heidi’s attempt at a dance performance. You're not a dancer, Heidi. You should not try to dance. You should probably never dance in public again, let alone on a nationally (internationally?) broadcasted show.

The outfit is also Heidi trying to be Britney. Sorry hun, you don’t make the cut. Yeah your body looks great, but don’t try to steal the nude with sparkles onesie from Britney. It’s not happening. But the cool black stripes down the sides of the pants, that totally jazzes it up and makes it your own (sense the sarcasm).

I don’t even know what else to say about this. I just want to watch it on repeat for the rest of my life.

Oh my god. I thought I was done writing, and then I went to look up Heidi's Playboy interview and I just had to share Spencer's response to Heidi asking him how many phones he has:

I have one…two [takes phones out], three, four—four with me today. The Nokia N95 is for video content, and the BlackBerry is best for e-mails because they get pushed the fastest. The iPhone is for my blogging and to tap TMZ, Perez Hilton or Us Weekly, and the Sidekick is for my Twitter army—400,000 and growing. If I mix these gadgets up, business will shut down for the day.

I highly recommend reading the whole interview. Amazing.

And I also just realized that Heidi's moves remind me of Ariana, except not as good...

1 comment:

Joseph said...

Ok, so three things to say:

1. Heidi Montag is a RECORDING artist? Where have I been? Do I just loathe the Hills that much that I missed this? (I hate this kind of crap - it's the same garbage that inspired that witch Julianne Hough to show up on my GAC countdown.)

2. Her dance moves remind of a group far more clandestine: Ace of Base. Now those people had some badass moves. And by badass, I mean "weird" and "European". (By the way, how come they weren't "Ace of Bass" - wouldn't that have been more clever?)

3. I made it one minute (01:00) through the Beyonce vs Arianna video. I thought I was going to vomit. I wonder if the guys who started YouTube ever thought it would be a place where Joe Schmo could put up a video of his all his kids doing stupid crap. Bob Saget is smiling somewhere.