Thursday, February 4, 2010

GTL? Get a life.

It’s me. The one person in the world who doesn’t like Jersey Shore. I know... You thought I didn't exist. But I do. And it’s not that I just don’t like Jersey Shore. It’s that I hate Jersey Shore with a passion (something I'm about to expound on) and think that I’m way better than you for not falling into the trap that is the Jersey Shore phenomenon. And before you yell at me for not watching, I did watch an episode and I maintain my position.

While you’re watching Jersey Shore on Thursday nights I’m out doing really cool fun things… Like crying in bed alone or something. Just kidding, on Thursday nights I obviously watch 30 Rock, Parks & Recreation and Community (and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and The League, when they're in season)... Whilst crying in bed alone.

One of my main issues with Jersey Shore is that it’s just too easy to make fun of. Stuff like that isn’t worth my time. I don’t have room in my life for trash. I was obsessed with Rikki Lake in like 5th grade for about 10 minutes and I think after that I managed to never find trashy people amusing again.

I know I sound really snobby saying that, but I don’t care. It’s the truth. Trashy people and red necks are the only breed of human that I’m actually racist against. I cannot find any redeeming quality. Which is why I think I never really got into Talladega Nights. I just can’t find that humor entertaining. I'd rather pretend like they don't exist than make fun of them.

And I know I sound like I have a smoking lump of coal in my chest instead of a heart right now. And I swear I don't. I watch some pretty crappy TV and have fun with it. And by fun I mean I cried every episode of Girls Next Door with Holly, Bridget and Kendra (If you watch the new ones with the new case then you are a cheater). I can't really explain why I cried every episode, I just did. There is something about that show I find extremely heartwarming. Like, sometimes taking your clothes off for the world to see really can be a good thing. It's just an interesting way to accomplish the American Dream, that's all.

Like these people are famous for being ugly, orange and annoying? I really don’t get it. Yeah, get mad at Paris Hilton for being famous for no reason, but getting punched in the face on TV makes you a fucking superstar? No. This is all just too ridiculous.

These people are now making a legitimate living off of the not-real life they lead. And I mean, it’s definitely cool in a way, that they make a boatload of money for just living their lives, which, if they weren't being filmed, would be even more (or maybe less?) of an embarrassment to humanity. The fact that Snookie is going to make more money than you and I combined next year is just embarrassing for society.

In my mind this is the downfall of mankind as we know it. If this is considered entertainment I don’t even want to know what is going to come next. I’m not saying this isn’t the only show on TV that is embarrassing and disturbing. Teen Mom is equally as bad. I watch that show for 2 minutes and am seriously disturbed.

I mean I know that there are teen moms out there. That’s not the really disturbing part. It’s the giving these people the attention they’re dying for that bothers me. It’s all they want. And you’re giving it to them. Same with Intervention. I don't want to watch someone who has a Meth addiction steal from their family to buy drugs. The money spent producing this show could be better used to send these sad souls to rehab. And I know that's not how the world works, but that's how my mind works.

Whatever, it’s a fad. And like all fads I’m sure this one will die out soon enough. Jersey Shore: Miami? That doesn't even make sense. How many times can you watch an orange skin on orange skin make-out session? How many times can you watch Guidos get into bar fights? Go to Sutton Place any night of the week and you can see that live and in person, for free! Avoiding people like that is why we don’t go to bridge & tunnel bars. But now you’re letting them into your home!? Make up your minds people.

AND FURTHERMORE!!!!!!- most of the cast members aren’t even from Jersey! Like… what!?!?!?!? They’re all from like Long Island or Upstate NY… Pauly D is from Rhode Island. So now they’re posers too. And still more famous than any of them could have ever dreamed. I blame you. All of you.

And so I bring you...

Things I would rather watch than Snookie (and the rest of the Jersey Shore cast):

- A clump of hair in the shower drain

- Teen Mom

- Real World (which is just Jersey Shore relocated with non-orange people)

- Road Rules (if it still existed)

- Bad music videos

- Any USA original series (that includes both Psych and Monk, which I detest without ever having watched)

- Water boil

- Jersey Shore parodies. Including but not limited to Michael Cera and Bobby Moynihan on SNL

- Lost (just kidding)

- Myself in the mirror (but I’d rather watch that than most things…)

- Any of the “_____ of Love” or “For the Love of _______” shows on VH1

- The new Project Runway (moving to LA was a poor choice)

- The Twitter feed on my phone refresh

- Paint dry

Things I’d rather do than watch Jersey Shore:

-Clean my apartment (one of my most hated tasks…)

- Paint my nails

- Paint your nails

- Organize my top dresser drawer that’s full of random receipts from the past 3 years (mostly from

- Cook a meal for 10+ people

- Return the two giant suitcases I borrowed to move in August (whoops) from my friend who lives in Midtown East (2nd most annoying place to get to after the Upper West Side).

- Clean off my desk (which has random shit I can’t find space anywhere else for)

- Make my bed (it only takes a couple minutes, but I don't enjoy it)

- Floss (I think I floss more than most people, but still, it’s an annoying chore)

- Listen to Pandora repeat the same 10 songs over and over again

- Get a Pap Smear (hey, it's human contact)

- Go to work


Brooklynfluff said...

Okay fair enough. But can we talk about Real World DC? Every season I play the "this is the worst season yet" game and threaten not to watch, but of course end up watching the every episode (even Brooklyn, where the cast was essentially abstinent and sober). Well, DC has done it, I am truly not watching and coming from someone who watches Bad Girls Club this says a lot.

abby said...

Braids, you and I are usually on the same page but I can't believe you are missing the sheer and utter amazingness of Jerz Shore. Yes, it is embarrassing to humanity and perhaps the fall of mankind, but the fact that these people exist needs to be exposed! The Situation and his war metaphors for "creepin'" on girls - you can't make this stuff up. It's hilarious. Please watch more episodes.

Gabrielle said...

i'm with you on this one, brady. this show is embarrassing and literally painful to watch. i'm cringing just thinking about it.

Brady said...

I LOVE all this reader interaction!!!!

Brooklynfluff- We cannot talk about Real World DC because I haven't watched Real World since the slap heard round the world. Just kidding. But after Hawaii it went downhill quickly (Amaya and Collin for life). I think "Back to NY" was like the last season I sort of watched and then I shunned it forever. If I wanna watch people get drunk and hook up with each other I'll just go out... And putting anything in DC, including our countries Government system, is a mistake.

Abby- Sorry. I just can't do it. People totally could make this shit up. Someone with no life and a passion for guidos. It'd be easy. The fact that this has been exposed and then embraced instead of shunned is just not OK. So I'll do it. I'll be the one person to shun (well, me and Gabby). I choose not to watch!

Gabby- Solidarity sister!

Brady said...

Oh, and I forgot to mention how on Real World there is ALWAYS someone with an eating disorder. It's just obnoxious.

Alan Whickers said...

You just took up permanent residence in YouCan'tGiveMeShitAboutHatingAvatar County!

Brady said...

That is just soooooooo not true. Avatar is a feat of technology and film that has never been done or conceived before. People doing stupid shit on TV has been done before. You contrarian you.

Tori said...

I think this is the first time we have ever disagreed about television. Jersey Shore has provided me much entertainment for one main reason: I never realized that Guidettes and Guidos actually existed to this extent and it's shocking to me... SHOCKING. I'm with you on Teen Mom though.