You thought I was going to talk about Ketchup for one day and just be done with it? Well ya wrong (said in the "ya burnt!" voice from Jenna in 30 Rock, doi). Also, insert me singing the First Wives Club song "You Don't Own Me" with the lyrics changed to "You Don't Know Me" (I know it's Leslie Gore, I'm not a heathen)... OR "You must not know 'bout me" from Irreplaceable by Beyonce. Did you not follow that mental spaz-out? Too bad! Stream of consciousness is fun!
I realized after my post last week that I was far from done with discussing ketchup and ketchup-related topics. And I wanted them to have their own separate post instead of just inserting them into the already posted post and having some people see them and some people not. Say post again. Post.
So Ketchup story number one comes from over seas. I was living in Foggy Londontown at the time (omg I am just soooooo international you guys). Lemme just tell you something about any country that is not the U.S.of A. They do not know their ass from their elbow as far as Ketchup is concerned. Not. One. Bit. They either give you a tomato paste that is like a distant relative of Ketchup or they charge you for Heinz. Well if the Heinz is available you bet your ass I will pay whatever they tell me to. And if it's not available (which it never is) I'll dump salt into the paste and pretend that that makes it taste better.
Anyhoo, it was my last day of interning at good old Nursing Times Magazine (Largest Nursing Magazine in the UK!!!!) and I was hungover as balls. Oh, actually it wasn't my last day. Because my last day was when the London tube bombings happened, making saying goodbye to everyone really awkward. And if you think I wasn't pissed that we didn't get to eat a cake in my honor, then I am going to start singing the songs from the first paragraph.
I was hungover and my Brit friends were like "lets get chicken and chips for lunch!" aka fried chicken and fries. And I was like YES, you read my mind. So we go and get our chicken and chips and the ketchup situation was not good. I don't remember what it was exactly, I just know I was like beyond myself. So I was like "Alright guys, I'll meet you back at the cafeteria, I have to go do something" and I go to the grocery store across the street and purchase myself a bottle of Heinz ketchup to eat with this one meal.
When I told my friend this when I got home from work that day she was mortified for me. I think because I had told her there was some guy I had a crush on who was with us too (whoops!). I can barely remember. Or maybe she was just mortified because I'm a total beast. A ketchup covered beast. But you can just call me Garfield (ps I'm convinced Bobby Moynihann somehow stole that line from me to use on SNL while acting as Snookie. I've been using the Garfield line for years, because I have read hair and I love sauces and lasagna. I've hung out with him before and I used to use that line all the time, so this being an actual case of plagiarism is totally possible.)
So that's the story of how I bought a bottle of ketchup to use with one meal of food. And the next thing isn't so much a story as a fast food recommendation/review. You may or may not know of a little place called McDonalds, which can be found under the golden arches worldwide (Prestige Worldwide?). Well Mcdonalds added something really crazy amazing to their menu a few months back and I really don't think it got the attention it deserved.
It's called the Mac Snack Wrap and it is what God would wrap in a flour tortilla if he could wrap anything in a flour tortilla (which he can, cause he's God). What is up with me and all God references lately? Being hungover really has forced me to ponder a higher power/my existence. Or maybe it's the rapidly approaching President's Day weekend. What? I don't know. I really don't.
Anyway a Mac Snack Wrap is a Big Mac in wrap form. I feel like I know too many people that have never had a Big Mac. This is just not OK. As far as burgers are concerned, the Big Mac is the tops. It's not gourmet, but is a burger supposed to be gourmet? No. A burger is something you can pick up and scarf down like an animal all in under 5 min. I'm not saying I won't eat a $20 burger if you bought it for me, I'm just saying a Big Mac is excellent and you're a fool if you disagree.
So in case you are a fool and don't know the ingredients of a Big Mac they are: 2 beef patties, lettuce, chopped onions, cheese, pickles, special sauce, enclosed in a sesame seed bun with another piece of bun between the two beef patties.
The Big Mac, according to online nutritional information and Subway napkins and paper cups, is about 540 calories. Is that a lot of calories? Yeah. Is it that many more calories than a normal burger? Eh. Not really. I mean, I'm not trying to say a Big Mac is good for you, because the nutritional value of those 540 calories is like zero. I think when you eat a Big Mac it actually goes straight to your ass. I mean, I'm not Doctor, but I hear things... But what if you could shrink that Big Mac down into a more calorie friendly wrap??? YOU CAN!!!!!!
The Mac Snack Wrap is a snack wrap with half of a beef patty, cheese, lettuce, pickles and onions. My friend tried one for the first time a few weekends ago (late night, duh) and exclaimed "I will never eat a Big Mac again!" The Mac Snack wrap is 330 Calories (just looked it up, no biggie).
The key to why the snack wrap is so good is ratio. Yes, I like the bun of a Big Mac too, but all that bread gets in the way of the sauce. McDonalds oddly packages this wrap better than most wraps I've eaten. In almost every single bite, you get every single element of the Big Mac. And that my friends, is the story of the Mac Snack Wrap. So this weekend, when you're out and drunk and looking for something to shove down your throat to fill the void (HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!!!), I urge you to try the Mac Snack wrap and let me know watcha think.