Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Surfing the Web

I always say that if I were as rich as Oprah, I’d find a way to be skinny. Sorry, but if you’re a billionaire AND you appear on television, you should not chub out like Oprah does. It would be one thing if she was always big and was just like “Yeah, wattup, I’m chubby,” but she’s not. She’s constantly struggling with her weight and it’s actually fun to watch her lose it and then gain it back even worse.

So oddly related to this topic, I’ve decided to talk about celebrity websites. And by celebrity, I mean my fave gals from reality TV:

Whitney Port (of The City)

Stephanie Pratt (of The Hills)

Khloe Kardashian (of Keeping Up With The Kardashians)

I relate this to the Oprah-weight issue because it’s like, “Hi reality TV stars, do you have any money or taste to use up on a website? Apparently not because these are hideous.” And I don’t even “surf the web” or go to websites other than the sale section of JCrew.com, so that’s saying a lot.

Let’s start first with Whitney’s website, which looks like a Tampon commercial… or a Birth Control ad.

I don’t know why, but it just does. Her clothes, on the website, are all being modeled by models who strangely look like her, but are not her. I mean, she’s the face of the line, get out there Whit, show your stuff, everyone loves you! Actually, since I started writing this post yesterday and when I revisited her site today, the layout has kind of changed to more of a blog layout, showing me her makeup routine, asking for my decorating tips, I’m digging it.

But what I’m not enjoying – Whitney Eve? Why? Summer’s Eve? Douching products? Call me immature, but that’s right where my mind goes to when I see Whitney Eve. Is Eve her middle name? Her real last name? What a mystery. But at least her clothing line looks better than Lauren Conrad’s failed one.

Stephanie Pratt’s website is great if only because it confirms all opinions I have on her- she is a heinous douche. She should be the one with the word “Eve” in her website title… or just “douche”. She has these video “skits” on her site that are just like so awful and awkward, I die. The first indication that this website is a joke, is yet again, the design. With like weird little birds all over the place… a bird to dot the I in Stephanie? Really? I mean a heart would have been really gay and embarrassing but at least it’s semi-normal. This is just weird. www.AllStephPratt.com. The name makes me laugh.

And now I’m reading some of her stuff and it’s possible that we have the same birthday. I’m not happy about this… I’m not good at sharing, especially not with a doucher like Steph Pratt. She went to Vegas and hung out with Cory Hart and I went to an underground dance floor to which almost none of my friends came because it was Easter weekend. But yes I maintain that she is a loser and I am cool. By far the best quote in her entries “So… My brother married heidi yesterday at a gorgeous church in Pasadena. For people who know the couple -they know how deep their love and bond really is.”

I always assumed that someone else would take care of the writing on a celeb website, and that it wasn’t genuine at all, but Steph definitely writes all of this shit. It sounds like her and it’s hilariously bad and stupid and awkward… And amazing. Steph Pratt is a true-life underdog- from meth-head to MTV starlet. Wow. What a journey it’s been. If she wrote about that transition I might actually read her website updates.

But her “About Me” section is about going to “college” in Paris for a year (I don't believe that for one second) and then working as a PA on the set of Lost in Hawaii, who knew!? Did you start drugging yourself in Paris or Hawaii, I’m dying to find out. But in all seriousness, if she seriously wrote about how she went from being a drug addict to semi-famous, we could have the next James Frey on our hands here. But to be good she would need a ghostwriter, cause this moron is not writing anything that resembles literature… Or even semi-normal human communication.

And now on to the good website, my dear friend (or just celeb obsession) Khloe Kardashian. I legit just cried at work while reading her entry about her brother’s graduation from USC and about how their dad went there and it was his dream for his only son to follow in his footsteps. I can’t stop tearing. If you do not love the Kardashians, you have no soul. What a group. But without Khloe the show would never exist and Kim would still be a hot tranny mess with a sex tape and an extreme case of jungle fever. If I were to ever bite the bullet and join Twitter (which I don’t see happening anytime soon) I would DEFINITELY “follow” Khloe.

Other than the cheesy purple design and sparkling diamond graphics on Khloe’s website, I feel like hers is the only one that’s legitimate. She updates multiple times a day and just seems to be really into it. She is just trying to have a good time and I want to hang out with her. I think we’d be soul mates and best friends for life. Although I wish I was smaller so that she could physically assault me like she does to Kourtney, but I think we’re about the same size so I’m not sure how that would work… would I look that beastly on TV too? Maybe one day we’ll know.

I guess I shouldn't be so judgmental since I'm coming at you from an uncreative template by blogger, BUT I am not a celebrity. When I reach Oprah status I promise to have a kickin' bod and a sweet ass website to match.


Joseph said...

While I cannot comment on either of the first two women you mention (for all I know, they could be on special teams for the Giants), I can comment on Ms. Khloe Kardashian. I am not an avid watcher of the Kardashian disfunction, but whenever I turn it on, I am quickly drawn to her. I'm not sure what it is... she seems to have a Napolean complex, and always has to prove herself - yet, as you state, on television, she looks like a behemoth. I think my fascination may be watching closely to see if she will turn green and snap Reggie Bush in two (take that for tanking my fantasy league!) in a fit of "Kim, why don't you respect me" rage. Yup, I think I nailed it. That's pretty much the allure.

beryl said...

I am glad I have a daughter with strong opinins....sometimes on nonsense but never wishy washy. Go Braids!!!