Monday, May 11, 2009

ScarJo You Don't

I have major issues with Scarlett Johansson. Other than the fact that she is, by far, the worst actress in the history of film (a female Keanu Reeves, if you will), she is just not that attractive. I’m sorry, but it’s true. And if you haven’t admitted this to yourself, you might want to take a good look at ScarJo and just think if you would seriously prefer to see that in the mirror everyday instead of your own face (if you’re a woman), because my answer is: HELLS NO. But obviously I would take her body, it's sick. After google image-ing for a picture to go along with this post, I’ve decided she isn’t as hideous in pictures than she is on the big screen, I guess her voice and lack of talent is what makes her unattractive onscreen. But don’t worry, I managed to sift through the attractive pictures of her and find the ones where she looks bad.

What confuses me even more, is Woody Allen’s obsession with her. Is it because of her giant knockers? From the man who made Diane Keaton a household name, this is what you’re giving me now?! Have you lost your mind/sight/taste??? If you have seen the movie “Scoop”, then you should know what I’m talking about. ScarJo’s monotonous yet whiney man-voice is absolutely horrible to listen to. I’d rather listen to nails on a chalkboard. “Scoop” is awful with or without ScarJo, but having her in a movie that I actually disliked was a sigh of relief, because hating the main character in movies I love isn’t an easy task, but I’ve done it time and again: Match Point, Vicky Christina Barcelona, The Prestige, In Good Company.

Get out of my good movies, ScarJo. I don’t want to see your pale, round, smirky face on my TV screen unless it’s because you’re on a worst dressed list or Ashton Kutcher is Punking you and you’re acting like a bigger bitch than Ellen Pompeo. Because that would merely prove everything that I already know to be true. And by know to be true, I mean believe in my mind without any hard evidence whatsoever.

To add insult to injury ScarJo has decided to marry my ideal man, Ryan Reynolds (come on, have you SEEN Definitely, Maybe? He’s ADORABLE). How dare she. But In Ryan Reynolds’ defense, he does not have the best track record with women and has been known to jump the gun with the whole proposal/marriage thing (Alanis Morissette anyone?)

The only redeeming quality of ScarJo is that she’s not too skinny, and that is not an easy quality to find among actresses, but I’m sure she’ll become ano and gross soon enough. I think the industry just has that power over people. Hey, if I were on camera all the time I’d probably stop eating altogether. I’m sure even Nicky Blonsky will be skinny if she ever wants a role in which she is not playing the “fat girl”. Ginnifer Goodwin is my favorite celeb weightloss before and after. Because she went from chubby friend to like really cute and dating Chris Klein (who hates fat people. Don’t worry, I read it in an article, it’s true.)

I just tried to find a clip on Youtube that perfectly illustrates why I hate ScarJo. It’s at the end of Scoop, when she fake drowns to catch Hugh Jackman in his murderous ways and then pops out of the water and is like “blah blah blah, I’m bad at acting. I’m pretending to be a Jew from Brooklyn and am failing miserably. Joke’s on you Hugh Jackman, I DO know how to swim! GOTCHA!” It is sooooooooo hard to watch.

The fact that I didn’t find it on Youtube really bothers me. The past two times I have tried to find random clips on Youtube, I have failed miserably and it really builds up some feelings of anger towards Youtube, because if I cant find a random clip of Chelsea Handler talking about why BBQ sauce and Ranch dressing are a great combo, then what is Youtube good for? Stop wasting my time! It’s precious and valuable and people pay top dollar for it. And by top dollar, I mean just above minimum wage. Thank GOD for my college education, right?

Moral of the story: I hate Scarlett Johansson and am excited for the day that audiences/directors/producers/writers also realize that she is awful and finally stop making it possible for her to be in movies.

For your viewing pleasure... Just one of the many scenes in which ScarJo is awful. I'm sorry, it's not acting when it looks/seems like you're acting. You're supposed to act natural. Everything she does is just so transparent and obvious. I CANT STAND IT!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH


Dickie said...

ScarJo is in my favorite movie, home alone 3 -

Joseph said...

Here's the weird deal with ScarJo: at some point, somebody let her in on the secret that she was attractive - it was right around the time "The Island" released, with Ewan McGregor. Before that, she was in little movies, where her job was simply to be "cute." And it worked. (I cite "In Good Company" as one.) But as some agent/studio/manager decided to turn her into a sex symbol, the wheels really started to come off. It's unfortunate - as unfortunate as the tranformation of Carrie Underwood over the last two years where she lost her hips and became a stick figure. (Side note: Ryan Reynolds is the only man I have an active man-crush on - it began in the "Two Guys and a Girl" phase.)