Thursday, June 11, 2009

And it's been suggested that Stephen Hawking stole his "Brief History of Time"... From my 4th grade paper.

I don't know if you know about this, but the old people are going to revolt. And it's going to be soon. And by soon I mean tomorrow.

How do I know this? Brady, are you a soothsayer? Kind of. But more just an astute observer with the power to put two and two together like you've never seen. And here is what is going to happen: Tomorrow, June 12, all television stations switch to broadcasting exclusively in digital format. No more analog. That means that you will no longer get anything from a TV with an antenna. You have to be plugged into a "converter box" to receive any signal at all.

This is hilarious but kind of weird. Like, if you really think about, do YOU know anyone that watches TV on a set with an antenna? I sure as shit don't. But if I did, I guarantee that person would be older than 70 and live in the midwest. Seriously you guys, there are going to be old fat women in their moo moos rioting in the streets when they turn on their TVs and instead of seeing a hideously unclear version of Jerry Springer they just see the static. I'm picturing the mom from "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" if you couldn't tell.

And p.s. I consider one of life's great mysteries (well it's not a mystery so much as just some really great acting) how Leonardo Dicaprio went from this:

To this:

But I love it. There's nothing like a good "before and after". But I digress...

The reason I'm convinced that so many people don't know this is happening (I'm back to talking about the TV switch... in case you forgot about that because you were caught of guard by Leo's beauty slash skill at playing a mentally retarded person) is because the commercials they show on TV to inform you of this are few and far between. I watch an astoundingly large amount of TV and I see these commercials MAYBE once a week, but probably not even that often. So for someone who is too busy looking at pictures of their friends grandchildren, cleaning their dentures, playing bridge and knitting all day long, the opportunity for them to both see and hear one of these commercials is pretty small.

And don't worry, there's a website that explains it all. PHEW, because people watching a TV with an antenna DEFINITELY know how to use the internet. Sense the sarcasm. Feel the sarcasm. I think I talked to a few of these people this winter when I had to answer questions to twenties of old people who called my company to order a holiday program we produced a couple years back. It's called the Holiday Train Show and it is a behind-the-scenes, in-depth look at an annual model train show that is put on at the New York Botanical Gardens every year. The model trains go through a model city of New York City, but not just ANY model of NYC, a model made completely out of flowers and foliage. YUP.

Anyway, when the old people call to order this program they are usually surprised or disappointed that it only comes on DVD but many times this is fine since they are ordering it as a gift for their grandchildren. Then when I take their order, the online form I fill out requires an e-mail address, and I'd say at least 75% of them did not have e-mail addresses. These are the people who are going to be screwed come tomorrow when their PBS isn't coming in from their antenna. It's going to get ugly.

I'm telling you, this is going to be one of those things that people don't really think is a big deal and then all of a sudden something bad is going to happen. People are going to DIE I tell you. I'm not sure how, but I just know they are.The old people in the midwest won't be able to get their tornado warning through their TV and will be swept away by a deadly tornado as Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton try to save them. What? I didn't see the movie Twister until it had been out for like 5 years. Because I was scared. True. Story. Not only did I get over that fear, but I have also been on the Twister ride/experience at Universal Studios. Flying cows up a storm.

Who knows who will survive this massacre. I envision something similar to the episode of South Park about the danger of Senior Citizens driving (one of the best eps ever). And then they all drive at the same time and it's mayhem. Maybe the static TVs will make all the old people to drive all at once, creating a similar effect. If you're listening to this, you are the resistance. This is John Connor.


Jessica said...

"Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can serve a purpose." - Lloyd Christmas

Aurie said...



beryl said...

it is highly possible that we may actually have tv's in some guest room that may no longer function after tomorrow!?!

Sloan said...

While I agree with your stereotypes of geriatrics - I do not support your theories on the Midwest. I think people need to start singling out the Southeast for a change...there are some pretty rough patches throughout Georgia and Tennessee. Please take this into consideration the next time you feel the urge to bash an entire portion of this great, red neck country.

PS I’m just glad that my TV shows will no longer be interrupted with the scrolling message telling me about the digital conversion.