Tuesday, June 2, 2009

The Bitch Is Back

Ok I held out like three days and posted about Prince Harry first, but I'm sorry, I can't just not address the season finale of The Hills, it would go against everything I stand for. Warning: If you did not watch the ONE HOUR season final of The Hills on Sunday night, you might want to stop reading now because this is going to sound like complete teeny-bopper gibberish...

So Heidi and Spencer got married. Big surprise, we all saw this in the tabloids like months ago (and on Steph Pratt's website.. I mean... what??) This is my latest conclusion about Spencer and Heidi: I've decided that I actually hate Heidi more than Spencer. I know. I know. It's weird. But please read my reasoning:

1. Her fake hair. Spencer might have a flesh colored beard, but Heidi has so much fake hair on her head it's actually hard to look at her. I'm sorry, I have like the thickest head of hair known to man and if I stood next to Heidi I would legit look like I was balding.
2. Her insatiable hunger for fame. I mean obviously everyone that is on The Hills is a fame hungry douche (except for you, Lauren, love you xoxoxoxo) But Heidi has taken it to a totally different level. She married... Spencer. The devil himself. I would rather be a nobody in Winchestertonfieldville, Iowa than spend ANY time alone with Spencer, and I'm not even talking about having sex with him (insert Jim-Carrey-style dry heave here) I'm just talking about being in an apartment with him and saying "Did you return the movies to blockbuster?" and him replying "NOPE!" and me projectile vomiting all over his face. My conclusion here is that the only thing worse than being as douchey as Spencer is to not only want to be around but MARRY someone as douche-tastic as Spencer.

3. Her stupidity. It was never a secret that Heidi was a moron. But for some reason it just started really irritating me. It's like, there are so many things for her to say when Spencer acts like he does or when person after person tells her that her future/current husband is a giant heinous douche and instead of responding she just stares at them with puppy dog eyes and 10 lbs worth of blond extensions.
4. Her use of the word "Princess". I want a Princess wedding! I feel like a Princess! I want to be dripping with diamonds like a Princess! KILL YOURSELF HEIDI!!!!!
5. Her choice of wedding dress. Feathers? Really?

6. "I want this to be the most extravagant wedding ever!" STFU!
7. I want my body to look like hers minus the fake giant ta tas.

How about the fact that one of the clips of Heidi that plays during the intro (FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN!) is a shot of her going to talk to Lauren about attending her wedding in the second to last episode. Sorry MTV, you screwed the pooch on that one. I can't even fathom how this show is edited and what the actual time line is. WHAT a mystery. I guess it's good that those are the things that keep me up at night, as opposed to real problems or issues.

What was up with that nonnyposh Holly was spewing at the rehearsal dinner? She is either a highly functioning alcoholic, or the Meth addiction was contagious and she has caught it from Stephanie Pratt. Nothing she did made any sense. If you throw food at a fancy dinner and someone gets mad at you, don't storm off crying, realize that YOU did something wrong and just apologize for it and move on. What an unnecessary scene. And the thing I hated most about it was that I was siding with Spencer in the argument. Siding with Spencer makes me uncomfortable, it's a sign that something is very very wrong with the balance of the universe. The equilibrium of the galaxy was way off. The whole episode makes Spencer look like the good guy and it's really starting to freak me the f out.

And did Charlie seriously take Staci the bartender to the wedding as his date!? I thought that was a joke. Charlie has really been showing his true colors in recent episodes, in a good way. He suggested to Spencer that he apologize to Lauren to make Heidi happy, great advice (that sounds sarcastic, but I'm being serious). He also did something else that was strangely nice and smart and I was really disoriented by it. But then he brought Staci to the wedding and I was just confused but also really surprised and impressed. I was also surprised Heidi didn't rip out her extensions and shove them down Staci's throat.

Lauren is such a class act. Duh. The Brodster finally convinced her that she should go to the wedding. And who wouldn't listen to a suggestion from Brody Jenner? If Brody says jump, I say "how high?" and then I jump ON him and rape him. See how I did that there? Yup.

Sorry, I got a little carried away. Love makes us do crazy things. Am I right?

I really did not understand why Lauren had to take a black car to leave the wedding. Couldn't she just drive herself? Odd. And I don't really believe she's actually going to leave The Hills. This idea is just a poor career choice, the Mischa Barton of poor career choices, if you will. I don't care if she's scared of being typecast, too late sweetheart. You will always be "that girl" from Laguna/The Hills, so you embrace it and milk it for ALL it's worth.

Finally, "The Bitch Is Back". Has a better tag line ever existed? I think not. A tag line like that makes me want to drop everything and work in promos for the rest of my life. Because it's GENIUS. Kristen Cavalleri doesn't give a shit about anyone, and that's what makes her great. She's going to hook up with everyone's boyfriends and when she is confronted about it will definitely use the words "chill" or "chill out" numerous times. God knows what she's been up to for the past four years, but I am SO EXCITED to find out. Since we're bringing KCav's back I would like to start a petition to bring back the whole cast of seasons 1 and 2 of Laguna and throw them right into The Hills. Or just Stephen Colleti... And Talan... And Cedric... And Taylor, and Alex M. and Alex P. and Jessica and Deiter! and blah blah blah. AHHHHH!!! ALL OF 'EM!


Jessica said...

Ummm "the bitch is back" is stolen straight from Gossip Girl xoxo. Just thought I should put that out there...

Trey said...

did I just see a Mr. Deeds reference?

Brady said...

Jessica, DAMNIT. I knew it was too good to be true. And too familiar. And too good (again).

Trey, HELL YES you did.