This is my first blog post about food. I was a little scared to open the floodgates on this topic, because I can seriously talk about food for days. Seriously. Non-stop, for days, breaking from talking about food only to consume food. Enjoy:
I was told recently by a friend that I eat like a Midwesterner. First I was offended that I was compared in any way to someone that lives in a red state, a breed of human I find to be repugnant. Second I was offended that said friend was basically calling me a fat person, and third, does it help my case that I just ate half a tub of cream cheese by dipping Wheat Thins into it? I’m guessing no. I think this accusation arose from me talking about how much I love vodka sauce... What can I say? Those wops really know their way around a kitchen.
Let me clear this up just a little. The comment wasn’t meant in a way that my eating mannerisms are similar to that of a Midwesterner’s (I can only assume that they tuck their napkins into their t-shirts/denim work shirts and shovel their food into their mouths with their hands instead of the proper utensils).
I have phenomenal table manners. Not only am I physically incapable of burping (a phenomenon that has plagued me since childhood) but I chew quietly, with my mouth closed, and I use a fork and knife for almost everything (because I like to create the perfect bite, just like Barbara Streisand’s character in The Mirror Has Two Faces). I mean, if I’m sitting on my couch eating White Castle (a glimpse of what’s to come of this post) then that’s another story. But in public, I’m a mensch.
But to further validate this accusation, (un)fortunately, I had White Castle for dinner last Wednesday night. Maybe you don’t know about my infatuation with White Castle. I didn’t really know about White Castle until Harold and Kumar so kindly brought it into my life. When I was little, whenever we drove by the White Castle on the highway, my mom used to say that when she was little, all the kids in NYC used to joke the White Castle was made out of Kangroo Meat. Is it wrong that that only made it more appealing to me? Maybe the dingo ate yo’ baby…
So when Harold and Kumar go to White Castle came out, I didn’t see it in theaters. I wasn’t pot headed enough back then, I guess. But when I finally did see that magnificent film, and all the hardships that my potheaded brethren endured to get their perfect high meal, I knew this place was a Godsend.
Whatever, man, fast food is fast food. It’s not meant to be eaten every day. Nor every week. But once in a while the fast food craving will sneak up on you and you just have to embrace it. And mine happened last Wednesday night.
As I approached the building on 8th avenue, where my writing class was to be held, I spied, out of my little eye, a White Castle sign. Right. Across. The. Street. Obviously this was a sign from God. Pushing me in the right direction, years after my roommate and I swore up and down that when Harold and Kumar 2 came out that we would smoke, go to White Castle, and then go see the movie, preferably on opening night.
Well, we’re a couple of lying jackholes, because not only did we never do that, but we have both never had White Castle (aside from the ones in the freezer aisle, obvi, best drunk food ever) AND ALSO have not yet seen Harold and Kumar 2 even though I actually own it on DVD.
So Wednesday night was my first chance to right this heinous wrong. Also, from the first time I saw the White Castle commercial for their new/seasonal BBQ pulled pork slider, I knew I really had to get my ass in gear and get to a White Castle. BBQ pulled pork is like shredded meat from the gods. And dipping it in ranch. I mean, come on. What’s better? If you don’t know about that magic that is the combination of BBQ and Ranch I instruct you to try it immediately. It will change your life. I know it, Chelsea Handler knows it, you should know it too.
And lets just take a second to talk about the genius that is a slider. It’s a hamburger. But it’s TINY. What more could you ask for? Mini food is a great novelty. I think when mini Oreos came out I gained 10 lbs… and I was in like 7th grade. But these delectable sliders are just beautifully crafted sandwiches that I look forward to continue consuming every once in a while. P.S. The White Castle on 36th and 8th is open 24 hours. So there’s no excuse to not go. It’s always open.
The caliber of people inside a White Castle… Hmm, how do I put this? I wouldn’t invite them over for white wine spritzers, but I wasn’t scared they were going to clop me over the head and steal my bag of mini burgers either.
Maybe I do eat like a Midwesterner. Does that make me less human? Maybe a little. Does it make me less skinny? Definitely. But if you deny that fast food is delicious, then you're just a liar.