Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

Are people serious? I can’t even get over what has transpired in life in the past 24 hours. And by life, I obviously mean pop culture and other people’s lives. From my mental “BBMs from last night” folder I will share this: “This is the most drama filled night of my life”. Have truer words ever been typed?

First of all, Serena Williams. Seriously? In case you didn’t know, she flipped out on a lines judge for calling a foot fault on her at the US Open Semi-Finals yesterday. She yelled at the lines judge saying she would shove the fucking ball down her fucking throat. I mean, think that in your head. But don’t say it out loud. She got a point penalty for it, and it happened to be match point. So she lost. Good.



In her press conference she was talking about how she’d never been in a fight before. Please. Back when she was a newcomer she practically shoved her opponent to the ground once while switching sides. And then blamed her opponent for not moving out of her way and called her a racist. I’m pretty sure all of that happened. I’ve never been a fan of Serena, and I don’t think any of that is going to help her fan base or burgeoning fashion career. I can only hope that she has completely wrecked herself.

Next, Madonna. Get the fuck off of your high horse. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I don’t really care that Michael Jackson Died. Yeah his old music was great, but his greatness was dead long ago. But for Madonna to take the stage at the VMAs to open it with a tribute to Michael Jackson, and to talk about herself the entire time, was reprehensible. Seriously made me feel awkward in my own skin. I don't even have the energy to talk about the content of her bizarre speach, but here is a link since Youtube is not allowing me to embed it. Rude.

The only thing that could have potentially made it even more awkward would be if Madonna had been up there in some scantily clad outfit showing of her man body and oddly taught and muscular old-lady skin in some sort of leotard. Madonna, check yourself.

Onward. I have to say, I saw Kanye at the Jay-Z concert on Friday night and he was acting totally fine (if you didn’t pick that up, that’s me pretending to be friends with Kanye instead of seeing him on a stage from hundreds of yards away). But I don’t know what happened in between then and last night, but that man went crazy. Kanye always pulls moves like this, and it really doesn’t surprise me. Because I happen to know that he’s so obsessed with himself that he actually doesn’t care how ridiculous he gets.

Yeah, talk shit about George Bush in public. Like I care. That obviously made me like him more. And like anyone who likes George Bush listens to Kanye. I’m pretty confident that that Venn Diagram does not have any over lap. He’s done other stupid shit, but this was ridiculous.

You all better appreciate the amazingness of me making my own Kanye/George Bush Venn Diagram. God, if Miss Mirto, my 4th grade teacher and Facebook friend, could see me now... Oh wait, I guess she can...

Poor Taylor Swift. Just a little newcomer who has taken the music scene by storm and she gets booted off the stage by crazy Kanye. Whatever, shit happens. Beyonce obviously handled it gracefully. My favorite part was when Kanye first got on stage and started talking, the camera cut to Beyonce and you could see her mouth, “Oh my God, Kanye” as she was visibly mortified at what was going down. And then when she won in the end, for her groundbreaking, amazing, life changing video, “Single Ladies” (after her mind blowing performance of it), she let Taylor take the stage to finish her acceptance.

I’m actually kind of tearing up thinking about it. How Beyonce said how excited and nervous she was when she was first nominated for a VMA with Destiny’s Child. I was but a wee middle schooler, in love with the song “Say My Name”. Good times. Here is a poor quality video of Beyonce's amazing performance last night.



God. I want to be her. Side note to Beyonce, thanks for feeling so comfortable with me, but I really did not need to see your vagina during your performance of “Single Ladies” last night. Check yourself.

What I did not approve of was that Taylor didn’t emphasize her thanks to Beyonce or compliment Beyonce’s video, which seriously took the world by storm. If you haven’t seen the Single Ladies video I recommend you emerge from the rock you’re living under and take a gander. And I’m kind of pissed this wasn’t talked about more in an appropriate fashion, instead of how Kanye decided to bring it up. Because he had a valid point, he just presented it in the stupidest most horrible way possible.

The thing about Kanye though, is that he’s not going anywhere. He was probably drunk or something and that’s why he did that, but I don’t really think this is going to majorly affect his career. I’m sure he’ll make some sort of public apology. But even if he doesn’t, it really doesn’t matter. Kanye is seriously talented. I’m not a fan of every song he comes out with, but the good ones are really good. A mix of actually seriously artistically good and also really poppy and great. So although Kanye did not check himself, I do not believe he has totally wrecked himself, but that’s just me.

Lady Gaga. What? Like… What? She is apparently at the point where her art is so artsy that it doesn’t make any sense and is really weird and creepy. Like what she did was totally creative, but like you have the chance to be creative in almost any way possible and that’s what you choose to do? To mime your own death on national television via hanging by your arm? That shit was creepy. Seriously seriously creepy.



Lady Gaga seriously needs to check herself.

In closing, I will leave you with the best video/song you will watch/listen to ever.

J. Hova, ya heard?

Men like you are the reason I left Finland.

I can’t deal with cell phone ringing anymore. Come on people. This is fucking 2009. Get with it. It’s not 1999. Get the fuck out of here with your Nokia ring tone. Or any ring tone at all.

In my mind it is completely barbaric to have your phone on anything but vibrate in most situations.

Par example- Yesterday I was waiting in line at the Post Office. It actually wasn’t that bad, maybe I was just in a good mood or something, but I saw that line snake around the ropes three times and I was like “Good.” I saddled up, whipped out my Blackberry and starting BBM-ing nonsense to anyone and everyone. It’s really a phenomenal way to pass time.

In front of me was a strangely sporty man. I somehow didn’t ever see his face, but he was wearing board shorts, a t-shirt, a white hat, shower-sandal-type sandals (like athletes wear), and had one of those like nylon athlete backpack things with the strings as straps (to the right, to the right, everything you own in the sackpack to the right). But was completely bald. Literally not a hair poked out from his hat anywhere. And a hat only covers like the top half of the back of your head, so I could see half of his hairless head. I assume he shaved it. Maybe he was a swimmer, I don’t know.

So his phone starts ringing. Fine. That’s fine. Everyone has cell phones, they ring, that’s life. His ring tone was annoying as shit. I was listening to it thinking about how I couldn’t wait to write about it and just wishing I could memorize the ring tone so I could find it online somewhere so you all could hear it too. Alas, I forgot the sound the second I exited the Post Office. But it was one of those high-pitched ones. Not like crazy-annoying-dog-whistle high pitch, just higher than normal and more annoying than normal.

Instead of keeping his phone in his front pocket, like a normal man (breast pocket would also be acceptable, but that does not apply in this situation), this guy had it in like a back/side cargo pocket of his bizarre red board shorts. So he waits a couple of seconds once the phone starts ringing, then he reaches down to his low-side-back-cargo-pocket, pulls the Velcro apart to open the pocket, takes the phone out, looks at who’s calling him, opens the phone, keeps looking at it, seemingly confused and astounded that anyone is even calling him, then presses the button to answer. I think the phone rang for, no joke, at least 20 seconds.

This is completely inexcusable and socially unacceptable. It’s one thing if you’re a woman and you have a huge Mary-Kate-Olsen bag so that you can hold it in front of your stomach or to project an image of general smallness of yourself in contrast to your giant oversized bag, and you’re rummaging through it while your face turns bright red because everyone is staring at you and you’re sooooo embarrassed that your phone’s been ringing for more than 5 seconds. I identify greatly with that situation. But for men, your phone is always in your pocket. If it ring, just reach in there and get it. This process should take approximately 3 seconds if at least one of your hands is free.

But then this guy’s phone rings again. And this time it happens when the line is moving forward a little bit. And he’s reading a book and his backpack is on the floor a little behind him. So it’s ringing, he flips the page of his book, it’s ringing, he looks down for his back pack, it’s ringing, reaches back with his foot and pushes it forward so it can be in front of him in line, more ringing, he moves up in line a little bit, ringing, THEN he reaches back to the Velcro side back freakish drug-stash pocket to get the phone out.

At this point it must have been ringing for 40 seconds. I think there was steam blowing out of my ears in the manner of an angry cartoon character, because he kept moving in slow motion and fumbling in the tiny pocket for the phone before finally extracting it and answering it.

And that’s when I decided I had to take a stance. Yes, I have a ring tone, and Yes, it’s the song Paper Planes by MIA. But I haven’t used it in public in forevs. Because it’s rude. It’s inappropriate. It’s bothersome to others. I’ve started putting my ring tone on recently but only when I’m in my apartment because the doorman calls up to me on my cell phone, because apparently I moved apartments and now I live in the future.

Moral of the story: If your phone makes any sort of noise it should either be pleasurable to my ears or make me laugh. If it doesn't meet that criteria, put your phone on vibrate and shut the fuck up.

I Die.

I know. Legit everyone in the blogosphere (gay) has posted this video this week. But I just have to do it too because I can't stop watching it and laughing hysterically. Finally an internet video I can get behind.




On an unrelated note, True or False: I passed out drunk around midnight, woke up at 2:30, had 2 BBM conversations that each lasted for more than half an hour, fell back asleep at 5:30 after watching 4 episodes of 30 Rock on my computer and then had a sex dream about Bill Paxton.

What is this? Wine opener. I'll take it.

Bargain shopping is an activity I hold near and dear to my heart. I think I just realized how intense that love is when I moved last week and saw how much shit (read: clothes, accessories… and anything else you buy in stores… or on the street…) I have. The reason I have so much shit is because if something is cheap I will buy it.

I can’t help it though, it’s in my blood. My heart races at the prospect of a good bargain or for paying less than others for something. And my problem is that it doesn’t always have to be something I love. Yes, it is way better when you’re really into something and then find a way to pay less for it. But if something’s really cheap and I think that there is any possibility that maybe one day I might need that thing, I’m going to buy it.

Us Jews do love a good bargain. Have you ever seen a non-Jew in Loehmann’s? Exactly. But Loehmann’s was where I did my high school bargain shopping. My college bargain shopping was mostly in the BP section of Nordstrom, and my current bargain shopping is mostly from the J.Crew sale website, and the occasional sample sale. When J.Crew reformatted their sale website last year I almost had a panic attack. I think actual tears formed in my eyes and I might have gasped and then yelped, “What’s happening!?!” in an office full of people. Whatevs.

So a couple of weeks ago I went to Staples to buy some stuff for work and they had, I shit you not, Staples brand spiral notebooks for 1 cent a pop. ONE. CENT. WHAT!?!??!!? I think I called 3 people from Staples screaming about the 1 cent spiral notebook special. I obviously bought 5 for my office, even though I only needed one. I’m sorry, that offer was just too good to pass up. And now my “company” is 4 cents deeper into the “red” or the “black” or whatever it’s called, but it was worth it. If you tell me something costs 1 cent, you can bet your ass you will have a fistful of pennies within seconds.

Buying things for a crazy bargain price is also my main way of sticking it to the man. That was the one thing I forgot to mention in my sticking it to the man post oh so many months ago.

Another bargain I’m really into right now is ordering from discounted restaurants on Seamless. For those of you who have been living under a rock, aka don’t live in New York, SeamlessWeb is an online food ordering website that restaurants subscribe to. And there a bunch of restaurants on the list that have 10-25% off discounts on your total order, but the discounted restaurants change each day. Sometimes I just browse Seamless to see if anyplace I like has a discount that day, NBD. But when I go to order something and my restaurant has a discount that day, it’s a damn good feeling.

What? LIke it's hard?

Ok, so I don’t know how I missed this (yes I do, I’ve been in the process of moving and haven’t watched TV in a week. Yes, a whole week. I know, I feel dead on the inside…) but apparently Heidi performed at Miss Universe… Really? Who put this show together and legitimately thought, “Hmm, we need to fill 3 minutes here… I wonder if we can get Heidi Montag!?!?!?”

Well thank god they did, because this is really showcasing how pathetic Heidi is. Yeah, fine, say you have 20-30 orgasms a day. Things like that are just talk. I don't believe it and there's no way to prove it. So whatever. But Heidi has officially put her money where her mouth is with this performance. This is no longer just annoying tweens who watch MTV (and me) talking about Heidi, she’s somehow made an actual entrance into the scene. And it’s incredible.




Lets dissect this performance for a bit, shall we?

Maybe I’ll start off being nice. That would be an interesting change of pace, wouldn’t it? Ok, here it goes: She looks great. I mean her legs look retardedly stumpy (whoopsie, so much for being nice), but her face and body and hair are kind of unbelievable. Maybe the plastic has finally settled, and softened into a more humanlike façade. I think that might be what it is. But whatever, I saw her and I was like whoa, she looks great.

Ok, now we have negative commentary. Here’s where I get to sink my teeth in. First we have the signing. Like it’s one thing to lip synch. Fine, I get it. I’m sure it’s not easy to sing while running around a stage and dancing. But like at least make the lip synching sound like someone’s actually singing it. The music is all so mechanized that there’s no point in even having her pretend like she’s singing it, because she is definitely and positively not. Human voice doesn’t sound like that, sorry.

Next we have the dancing. Oooooohoho, the dancing. Her moves are reminiscent to my 8th grade performance in the Bedford Bistro, aka my middle school’s talent show. Let’s get something straight first, I don’t pretend like I’m a good dancer. I’d much rather dance really spazzy and laugh at myself and have other people laugh at me then attempt to do any sort of sexy move out on the d-floor, because that would be highly embarrassing. My latest dance move is called the hula hoop and it consists of pretending like you have a hula hoop around your waist.

But this is the definition of someone who really thinks they look good at what they're doing. And maybe it's not her fault. She has Spencer in her ear telling her she looks great and is doing great every step of the way. So that's probably part of it. But it also reminds me of a bunch of middle schoolers busting out some moves that a high school cheerleader taught them and legitimately believing they're hot shit. Especially when you see Heidi's moves in contrast with those of her backup dancers, who can actually dance.

Heidi is really trying to be a seductress in this performance, can I even call it that? And if you were just looking at her face, you would totally be seduced. But you're not. Her moves are atrocious. Seriously, Britney Spears’ moves take a sloppy shit on Heidi’s attempt at a dance performance. You're not a dancer, Heidi. You should not try to dance. You should probably never dance in public again, let alone on a nationally (internationally?) broadcasted show.

The outfit is also Heidi trying to be Britney. Sorry hun, you don’t make the cut. Yeah your body looks great, but don’t try to steal the nude with sparkles onesie from Britney. It’s not happening. But the cool black stripes down the sides of the pants, that totally jazzes it up and makes it your own (sense the sarcasm).

I don’t even know what else to say about this. I just want to watch it on repeat for the rest of my life.

Oh my god. I thought I was done writing, and then I went to look up Heidi's Playboy interview and I just had to share Spencer's response to Heidi asking him how many phones he has:

I have one…two [takes phones out], three, four—four with me today. The Nokia N95 is for video content, and the BlackBerry is best for e-mails because they get pushed the fastest. The iPhone is for my blogging and to tap TMZ, Perez Hilton or Us Weekly, and the Sidekick is for my Twitter army—400,000 and growing. If I mix these gadgets up, business will shut down for the day.

I highly recommend reading the whole interview. Amazing.

And I also just realized that Heidi's moves remind me of Ariana, except not as good...

Grievances and Complaints

So you may or may not know (or care) that TD Bank North merged with Commerce Bank forming TD Bank. Such a creative transition, I know. Whatever. But you would think, since it is 2009 and technology appears to be in full swing, that this merger would have gone more smoothly. Also, since we are in The Great Depression Part Deux, I would think businesses (and banks) would want to make absolutely all interactions as easy and user-friendly as possible for their customers.

Apparently not. I'm officially thinking about leaving TD Bank. The first and main problem is that all the Commerce Bank's that have changed over to TD are on a different computer and organizational system. What does that mean? When I want to deposit a check at one of those places (and no I don't have direct deposit, because I work in an apartment with a man) I have to fill out a special/different deposit slip and then wait for someone who is knowledgeable enough to handle my transaction.

The other week I waited somewhere in the vicinity of 7 minutes when there were ZERO other customers. I gave all of the employees the stink eye before dramatically/ceremoniously ripping up my deposit slip and storming out of the bank in a huff without depositing anything. I showed them! Or they could care less. Either way... Something must be done! Someone must be held accountable!

TD Bank North also used to have no ATM fees. You could take out cash literally every single day for a year from random convenience store ATMs and at the end of each month they would reimburse your ATM fees. It was magical. I think it might have been a dream. Because now you have to have something crazy like $2,500 in your bank account for no ATM fees. Thanks for nothing, TD Bank. Who do you think I am? John D. Rockerfeller?

My one allegiance to TD Bank North? Their spokespersons: Sam Waterston and Regis. I don't think you know the joy that entered my life the first time I saw Sammy Wats on TV for a TD AmeriTrade commercial. I was just so happy to see his face and couldn't stop thinking about how I wanted to buy whatever he was selling, and then there it was... MY bank. Jack McCoy endorses MY bank. What could be better? Nothing!

And it's not like I've watched Regis on anything other than when he gets interviewed on TV at the US Open every year, which I'm looking forward to in the coming weeks. From those interviews I have grown to love Regis as a sort of surrogate grandfather. Don't ask me why, just accept these feelings I have for him. That goofy old man. Who Wants to Be A Millionaire was good times, wasn't it? Damn you, Slumdog.

And if you think I'm not going to use the mention of Sam Waterston's name to spur a random collage of pictures of him, think again:



Ugh! Look at that punim! How adorable!



Super sexual.



Super duper sexual. I'm sorry, if I was over 60 I would totally j-off to Sammy Wats. What a silver fox.

No pictures for Regis, because a. I'm too lazy and b. Sammy Wats get special treatment, always and forever.

OK, I'll keep this one short because I don't have much else to say and this topic isn't particularly interesting. I just needed to vent about my banking trails and tribulations. I refuse to switch to Bank of America though, doing something like that, in my mind, is the equivalent of adding a show like Lost to my repertoire. Just because everyone else does it, doesn't mean I have to to. SOLIDARITY, SISTER!

A Moral Quandary

Let me just say: I hate Giuliana Rancic. I hate her with the fire of a thousand suns. I hate her hair. I hate her spray tan. I hate how she looks like this girl who was in my sorority who I also hate. I hate her airbrushed/spray-tanned cleavage. I hate her hair color. I hate her hair texture. I hate the way she parts her hair. I hate her voice. I hate her personality. I hate her alien/bug-like features. I hate the questions she asks when interviewing. I hate her nose. I hate the shape of her head. I hate her mouth. I hate her style. I hate her clothes. I hate everything she stands for…



But she said “whatevs” in her interview on Chelsea the other night so now I’m having second thoughts. Really? That’s all it took? Yup. She made fun of Seacrest too. Fuck. And not just a general poking fun at, she made fun of his height. Compared him to Chuy. That is good stuff. You have no idea the inner turmoil I’m going through right now.

My entire world has been turned upside down. Black is white. Up is down. Giuliana has her own reality show and I actually am dying to see it. Even now, I’m typing these words and they’re not really making sense to me, but I know it’s how I feel in my heart. My heart which beats soley for TV and the excitement of seeing a new show and deciding if I like it or not. And usually knowing before I see it if I'm going to like it or not. And I'm going to like this.



I’ve heard Giuliana and Bill is going to be good. And when I say “I heard” I mean I saw a preview and said “That looks kind of good” and my roommate said, “I’ve heard it’s good”. So that’s me hearing that it’s good.

The clip they showed on Chelsea Lately before the Giuliana and Bill joint interview was pretty funny. It was of them moving into their new house and Giuliana screaming for Bill to come into the basement:

Giuliana: EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY!!!
Bill: What?
Giuliana: I think this Barka lounger is broken
Bill: That is not an emergency. We have 14 moving men upstairs right now.
Giuliana: Will you just sit in it? I think it’s broken.
Bill: No. That is not an emergency I have to go back upstairs. We’ll deal with this later.
Giuliana: Just sit in it!
Bill: No.
Giuliana: Please! Just sit in it for two seconds and try it.
Bill: Jesus (sits in chair, pushes back and the chair goes back fine).
Giuliana: How’d you do that????

It’s almost like a smarter version of Newlyweds. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, calling Giuliana smart. I’m just saying she’s not as dumb as Jessica Simpson, but neither is dried mud and grass stuck to the bottom of my boot heels from last winter.



And the show’s on Style Network? Is that real? Is that legal? I didn’t know Giuliana DePandi Rancic's face was allowed to appear anywhere other than E!. Seriously. I was like 90 % sure (and still kind of am) that she is contractually obligated to appear only on E!. I almost think my TV is going to break if I see her face on a channel other than E! because the airwaves just aren’t equipped for her to break out of that bubble yet. But my TV also might break when I see her face on it because I get the urge to throw something at the TV when I look lovingly at it and see those bug-eyes staring back at me. Oh don't worry, just saw that Style Network is a sister network of E!. Phew, I thought my gut had been wrong, I should have known better than to second guess myself when it comes to TV.


The other thing that is really throwing me for a loop is that Chelsea seems to like Giuliana and Bill. I mean fine, like Bill, but if Chelsea fucking Handler legitimately likes Giuliana then there’s no way I won’t. It’s science.



Holy shit. I just googled them. Did you know that they met because he won The Apprentice and she interviewed him and they fell in love!? What??? I am shocked. I had no idea. I was under the impression that he was a quiet/shy guy that wasn’t into that scene. Guess I was wrong. It makes way more sense this way, because I didn’t understand how a quiet/shy guy could be into Giuliana DePandi. I didn’t get how any guy could be into Giuliana DePandi. Still don’t. But I’m way excited for this show to enlighten me.

In closing, I hope you will join me in this funky adventure on the Style Network Wednesdays at 9. I think you can already watch like full episodes of it on Style Network's website, but I'm waiting for the big screen. I would tell you what channel Style Network is, but I have no idea.